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Something about hyperventilating in a kn95 mask

“Let’s not rush out and tell everybody”

Northern Winds

Some things I can’t control

Swept up again

Swirling

Tattooed

"Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn

Oh and all I taught her was everything
Oh I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything"

Are You Mad At Me

 You only ask me if I am upset when I don’t have the right to be

You are a child, and I always meet you more than half way

Baby talk and sleepless nights

Knowing no one else will love my disgusting self

I daydream of going back home

Knowing there isn’t one 

Call Me By Your Name

316 miles and I feel every inch

I ask about your family

You never fucking check in on me

You said to me let’s be friends

This isn’t that

You talk about me

I haven’t been able to spit out your name in like 8 something years

You pool in my chest, I’m convinced I’m cursed

316 miles and I no longer own a single thing you’ve touched

The blue, paint-splattered sweatpants are gone, the car’s been sold

Even if I could speak your name would anything change

It just pains me too much

Bethany 

You Need Help

“It's likе going to a beautiful pond
With the sun glaring and glowing on your arms
And in your mind, you think, "Man, I can't wait to go home"
Yeah, it's like lying in bed
And feeling like your bones are all made out of lead
And you can feel the wind as the world passes you by
Yeah, it's like you were about to cry
And then a fucking witch cast a spell on your eyes
And then you're stuck with this feeling all day”

 You can change your life but the dreams never stop

Liquid Courage

 You sobbed so much that your tears ran down my cheeks

It was the closest I’ve been to crying in years 

A Little Bit

 I went home with your brother - not how it sounds, but a little bit that way

everything I do is a homage to you

I don’t know if I want you to know that

Was it just time that made us like this? Because we spent so much time together? No that can’t be it. Must have been the kind of time. No, it was what time it was. Formative years. I was forming. And you formed as part of me? Am I as desperate for other parts of myself? I’m not, but ... it’s projecting, I projected the pieces of myself I am most obsessed by and made them you and now I associate you with them dying, or still being here.

Maybe I should try hypnosis.

You know, maybe it was everything that never was. I’m simply a romantic who pines for the feelings, the passion, the upset. Never knowing what we were, and definitely never expecting this is how it would be.

H

 I still remember the shape of your veins I could draw them from memory

The H on your wrist and all of the things your hands did for me

Smoke

I wake up fingers yellowed

from all the cigarettes I smoke in my dreams

your laugh

your laugh

your laugh

is the lightest, most beautiful music 

if I finally find rest

I find you

Water

 I wore my hair down today

because you told me to

in my dream

I touched you, given the chance

Just your arm, a long hug

You told me your mom knew I’d been coming by her house, watering her plants, leaving small puddles

I apologized

Undecided if I would stop

You said you wanted to be a mother and I supported that

You said one was on the way but not in your body because what you had done to it

I wish I could call you and tell you these things, and other things too

I am doing alright on my own and have other people to look after me and that I care for

No one is like you

And that is why I am in your house each night

Dreaming of your mother and watering the plants

That’s My Fault

 “If I miss you 

That’s my fault”

Your Mine

I stepped through your mine
over all the dead canaries
under all the red flags
surprised was the last feeling I felt
it was worth it
you’re mine

I’ve been radiating with things to say to you

I’ve been writing you a love letter

in my head

for the last ten years

this one goes out to you

they always do