I said you’re just another project I’m not doing a very good job on
you said you’re going to go sleep on the couch
but you didn’t
I permanently turned on my location for you
so if you miss me you can look and see where I am
I know
I'm just projecting
i went home with your brother
not like that, but kind of
i’d be lying if i said anything i do
isn’t about you
I’m going to write you a letter, and maybe in 5 years or something I’ll send this to you. And it will be out of context, but not really. It’s just about 5am, I can’t sleep, obviously, the anti anxiety meds were helping with that more than I thought. Jae came home late, I had to call him a Lyft. He cried until a thick stream of snot dripped from his face. I casually handed him a box of tissues. He asked if I ever think about how my life would be better if I just left him behind. I said no, I never think that. I told him he’s too hard on himself, he said what if actually he isn’t. We ate tikka masala and he continued to cry until he fell asleep. He said he can’t really eat even though he should, he can’t taste anything, I said that’s probably Covid. He laughed a little. I said you get so desperately sad when you drink, he said it’s not just when I drink, and I said I know.
What I wanted to tell you is what if we really examined ourselves and relationship to each other. What if we said all the things we thought to but never did, out of fear of rejection, embarrassment, or shame. I wish I could know all the parts of you, felt like I was learning them then, and nows there’s just more that I do not know. My biggest fear is everything keeps going on like this.
I feel like edward when he can’t read bella’s thoughts
I don’t get you
and also want to kill you
or kiss you
and am scared
If it’s not for me it’s for her
and I feel like princess diana
I feel like Marilyn Monroe
I feel like Jackie o
I feel like a woman
you hold me like a seatbelt
play me halsey and lana del rey
we talk like babies whenever we feel like babies which is a lot of the time
you clean the dishes I feed the cat
we hold hands when we sleep
you open all the blinds turn on all the lights
I close everything down for the night
you draw the bath, froth my milk
I water the plants, cut the grass
we laugh and laugh because we are laughing
we feed food into each other’s mouths at dinner like those couples do
and even make us hate ourselves
a little bit less
