A Little Bit

 I went home with your brother - not how it sounds, but a little bit that way

everything I do is a homage to you

I don’t know if I want you to know that

Was it just time that made us like this? Because we spent so much time together? No that can’t be it. Must have been the kind of time. No, it was what time it was. Formative years. I was forming. And you formed as part of me? Am I as desperate for other parts of myself? I’m not, but ... it’s projecting, I projected the pieces of myself I am most obsessed by and made them you and now I associate you with them dying, or still being here.

Maybe I should try hypnosis.

You know, maybe it was everything that never was. I’m simply a romantic who pines for the feelings, the passion, the upset. Never knowing what we were, and definitely never expecting this is how it would be.

H

 I still remember the shape of your veins I could draw them from memory

The H on your wrist and all of the things your hands did for me

Smoke

I wake up fingers yellowed

from all the cigarettes I smoke in my dreams

your laugh

your laugh

your laugh

is the lightest, most beautiful music 

if I finally find rest

I find you

Water

 I wore my hair down today

because you told me to

in my dream

I touched you, given the chance

Just your arm, a long hug

You told me your mom knew I’d been coming by her house, watering her plants, leaving small puddles

I apologized

Undecided if I would stop

You said you wanted to be a mother and I supported that

You said one was on the way but not in your body because what you had done to it

I wish I could call you and tell you these things, and other things too

I am doing alright on my own and have other people to look after me and that I care for

No one is like you

And that is why I am in your house each night

Dreaming of your mother and watering the plants

That’s My Fault

 “If I miss you 

That’s my fault”

Your Mine

I stepped through your mine
over all the dead canaries
under all the red flags
surprised was the last feeling I felt
it was worth it
you’re mine

I’ve been radiating with things to say to you

I’ve been writing you a love letter

in my head

for the last ten years

this one goes out to you

they always do

Fire Extinguisher

Close Second

I’ve never been so happy in love
well maybe once
but it was so different
then, than now
I couldn’t say your name aloud

(this is long kisses at the airport
takeout in front of the tv
holding hands falling asleep)

but I don’t know the shape
of the veins in his wrists
there is just nothing about you I missed

now there is nothing about you I do not miss
still

I want to call you on the phone
tell you how short this life is
but it don’t feel that way

this is not a competition

why does it feel like I’m losing

Complacency

I feel completely stagnant, I feel underutilized. At work I’ve been deciding on something to stare at blank to pass the time. Getting paid hourly can get to your head, quite literally counting the moments.  I can dispel any real lack of motivation while not at work by attributing it to depression. I’ll lay on the couch for hours, thinking about my deteriorating body, wondering how long I could possibly live. My relationship is my only solace these days, I’m not sure if he knows, but I lay impatient, waiting to hear him unlock my door and climb up the stairs. Being held quells the anxiety measurably.

I can’t imagine anything in my life changing, not really. Of course it will very slowly, as it already has, but the repetition of each day can grind you down so much that it even makes it difficult to enjoy those times of spontaneity. It’s easy to whittle down the layers of entertainment until it’s just a money-suck, an energy-suck. Going out doesn’t help, drinking doesn’t help, but it isn’t as bad as staying at home. You toss and turn, waste what little imagination you have left on a life just a tad sweeter. With your friends still close, rewarding projects, and unforgettable nights. I got my groceries delivered today so I didn’t have to leave the house. I took out the recycling at one point and in the fresh air I said to myself, this isn’t so bad, but where would I go?

“She’s not even drop dead gorgeous
but she’s killing me”

Blur

My anti depressants soften everything
Weaken my vocabulary
I wish I could explain

My heart is an air bnb now

it took years to see that the handwriting on the wall was my own

How to Quit Your Job Without Actually Quitting Your Job

how to quit your job without actually quitting your job

put in more than the bare minimum, but just barely more
do not complain often, but don't engage in any conversations either
lose interest in even the parts of your day you used to find somewhat interesting
find something to do that you find much more fulfilling and think about that throughout the day instead of your current job
do as many different things as you can on the clock, and only think of your job as somewhere you have to be part of your day to pay rent
schedule at least one other activity to do each day so that even your eight hours seem like one of the many items on a list
do not iron your shirt, do not match your socks, do not care about clocking out early or coming in on time
do not feel invested or take it personally when you are attacked for your work ethic
try not to make any mistakes, but do not be too hard on yourself if you do
realize that everything thing would almost the same without you there
make as little impact as possible
act as if you are not really there
 

Get rich or die tryin

I grew up on a futon with a quilt
I was always a guest in my parent’s lives
not much changed after they had my brother and me
they wanted us both to me aquariuses (maybe for the independence)
and we both are

when we got home from school each day we went to the snack cabinet
the same one we packed our lunches out of
I’d eat chips or cookies, or have a dr. pepper
we were allowed to have anything, aside from my mom’s chocolate covered almonds
in her cabinet
we drank margarita mix, regularly

when my mom finally did get home from work she requested we did not speak to her
she coined the phrase “talked out”

electronics have occupied me as far back as I remember
I always had a computer in my room, was given my first cellphone in 3rd grade
on road trips to see our family in so cal we had a tiny tv that sat nestled between the two front seats in the van for my brother and I in the back
we didn’t own too many VHSs so usually played get rich or die tryin on repeat
my favorite part was after he got his mouth un-wired shut he was so grateful to be able to speak again, even in his soft mumble

I grew up to be not too different from my folks, I keep my cereal on the top of the fridge, just like my brother, I keep my batteries beneath the butter compartment

my lack of supervision worked out well for me, as I had nothing at all to rebel against, so I didn’t

my mom is still a therapist, a divorced marriage family counselor, who strongly encourages all others to do the same

some say I’m private to a fault, but I really think that’s much more of my dad’s thing
he always has roughly two girlfriends at any given time, which I’m happy for, given his loneliness
my mom tried the dating scene out again recently, which ended in her being catfished across the country for money
she now says she prefers to just watch the show

in a psychic reading she asked me if I would want her to tell me more about my family
to which I responded I would really rather she didn’t
she obliged, only stating, “everything will be okay”