I feel like I’m in the upsidedown

 

“The sour taste of time”

He Used to Call Me That

 

I had a dream we were together, side by side on a swing

woke up with splinters, painful in my palm 

I touched your face, with my cheek

you called me baby

and I thought, you will have to call me something else

Favorite movies list

 Science of Sleep

Tree of Life

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Arrival

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

Ghost Story

5am

 I said you’re just another project I’m not doing a very good job on

you said you’re going to go sleep on the couch

but you didn’t 

We used to feel the same

 I permanently turned on my location for you

so if you miss me you can look and see where I am

I know

I'm just projecting 

Go On

 “You’ll wake up tomorrow 

and wrestle the sorrow

that holds you down today”

homage

 i went home with your brother

not like that, but kind of

i’d be lying if i said anything i do

isn’t about you 

Statistically I will break up with you in 364 days

Your unraveling mental state is difficult on my (unraveling) mental state 

I can’t sleep next to you anymore

You cry so much louder than you did years ago when we met

Coal

Some days I love you

Some days I don’t 

And I Watched From My Window

 

“You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.

And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.

You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

You're breaking my heart.”

The In Between

 I’m going to write you a letter, and maybe in 5 years or something I’ll send this to you. And it will be out of context, but not really. It’s just about 5am, I can’t sleep, obviously, the anti anxiety meds were helping with that more than I thought. Jae came home late, I had to call him a Lyft. He cried until a thick stream of snot dripped from his face. I casually handed him a box of tissues. He asked if I ever think about how my life would be better if I just left him behind. I said no, I never think that. I told him he’s too hard on himself, he said what if actually he isn’t. We ate tikka masala and he continued to cry until he fell asleep. He said he can’t really eat even though he should, he can’t taste anything, I said that’s probably Covid. He laughed a little. I said you get so desperately sad when you drink, he said it’s not just when I drink, and I said I know.

What I wanted to tell you is what if we really examined ourselves and relationship to each other. What if we said all the things we thought to but never did, out of fear of rejection, embarrassment, or shame. I wish I could know all the parts of you, felt like I was learning them then, and nows there’s just more that I do not know. My biggest fear is everything keeps going on like this.

Loyalty

You’re so fickle
and I am not
You call me loyal
But never call me back

Totally Consumed

 haven’t eaten in days

totally consumed by you 

Sometimes You're Edward Other Times You're Bella

 I feel like edward when he can’t read bella’s thoughts

I don’t get you

and also want to kill you

or kiss you

and am scared 

If not for me

 If it’s not for me it’s for her 

and I feel like princess diana

I feel like Marilyn Monroe

I feel like Jackie o

I feel like a woman