Idleness

"But once I was married my relationship to my destiny began to change. the signs grew more obscure. It was not enough to read them once. I had to consult them again and again and try to figure out the best direction, which would lead me down a path to an end I could admire.
I was always second-guessing myself, always changing my mind. I would return down the wrong road, then set off what I hoped was the right one. Destiny became like an opaque, demanding, poorly communicative parent, and I was its child, ever trying to please it, to figure out what it wanted from me. I tried to read its face for the clues to understand how it wanted me to behave. In all of this, there was an overarching question that never left my mind, an ongoing task that could never be called complete, though I hoped one day it would be."