I finally felt I had the world at my fingertips
  but that that same world was crumbling

If you love something

starve it of attention and hope that it cares

    you make me want to start writing again
   almost

I wore my heart on my sleeve
but I gave you that sweatshirt of mine
in a box, when you left me

you cried and I did too

but I forgive you
you’ll just never forgive yourself

he said I can’t even pretend I’m not going to do every little thing you ask of me

we ignore the big things

he is the elephant in the room

I am alien now

never quite at home
look at my fingers

this isn't a cry for help
I would have cried already
and already
and already

did you delete my number
do you ever seek photos of my face

I am an alien now
without you

I am an alien
I am frightened

do you remember
when this was requited

Mental Ill

mental illness runs rampant
like a sort of forest fire

at a certain point you no longer attempt to contain
but instead predict outcomes and work with devastation

you mourn destruction a little less
and completely stop wondering what if

freedom isn’t an uphill battle
it is an imaginary light at the end of a very real tunnel we’ve been running towards for so many years

all the band-aids, re-uptake inhibitors, intervenes calms
all the staggered breathing, lies and no phones home

no one's safe, really
false idols and broken father figurines
your mother has run out of tears and sleeping pills
and no one really works
but so many meetings

choose your vice then can’t think, twice
incapable of choosing to end anything
even your life

avoid mirrors and seek psychics
read your palm before the news

the world is sick but the people are sicker
around and around the sun

so predictable, and cyclical

you can’t see clearly, and he can’t see clearly
and she can’t see clearly

me n you, we learned 12 steps before we learned to walk

these tired trouble hands seem as intrepid as twisted
something dark comes knocking

your ears are ringing

sometimes you can’t help but answer the phone

I was never a writer
I was only in love with you

redundant

Oh the fucking hopelessness

“I just keep losing. I mean, some people just...are supposed to lose? For balance in the universe? I mean, like, are there just some people on earth who...are supposed to be here just to make it easier for the winners?”

The Only One That Even Matters

"If I had tried to make you mine

you would have walked away

life can't compete with memories

that never have to change

this world is full of missing persons

all of these unsolved mysteries

if someone says they know for certain

they are selling something certainly

so when I set myself to wonder

on all the questions that remain

the only one that even matters

is when I'll see your face again

I keep looking back for artifacts

to prove that you were here

a sound that has been keeps echoing

it never disappears"

 we've been here before
 which is to say we will be here again

Image I Create

"when I need to wipe my face I use the back of my hand.
and I like to take up space just because I can.
and I use my dress to wipe up my drink.
and you know I care less & less what people think.
and you are so lame. You know you always disappoint me.
it's kinda like our running joke & it's really not funny.
I just want you to live up to the image of you I create.
I see you & I'm so unsatisfied."

Jae is in new york. I'm in bed. my pillow mostly covers the blood. there's fight in his blood, and blood from his fight.
he's so soft, so tender. in each and every way.

financial ruin seems to be going well

Man

if I had a Man's entitlement I would be happy.
then again I would not be cognizant of this whatsoever and would in actuality be sad.

Energy

  turns out energy and happiness are the same thing

Straightforward

"Most obstacles exist in the mind more than reality. If you encounter a block while on your way to work, you go around, find a detour, remain in action. Why then are there other blocks that seem impossible to surmount? Not much can stand in your way if you keep moving. Don’t lament about what you can’t do or complain about what you need to do – just do it. If you could just accept that a situation or relationship is challenging, you might find another alternative to dealing with it. By no means is this easy, it’s not supposed to be, but it is straightforward. Focus on what you want to create in the world, apply all of yourself and don’t be too proud to adjust along the way. Something you’ve been diligently pursuing needs some loosening up. Either physically or energetically. Walk away, take a break, do something different. Let go of your agitation and disappointment – hit the reset button – and focus on what brings you joy. A health or financial matter reaches its critical mass, time to get down to business."

Paid

nothing is free
which is to say there is a cost
and it will be paid

"I found the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me"