The shadow cast

you have to remember the shadow cast is mainly on him

Man

if I had a Man's entitlement I would be happy.
then again I would not be cognizant of this whatsoever and would in actuality be sad.

Energy

  turns out energy and happiness are the same thing

Paid

nothing is free
which is to say there is a cost
and it will be paid

 I found out the real meaning of contingency

Same

my cat slowly and repetitively claws at the walls of the litter box he is contained in like silently proclaiming LOOK AT ME, GET ME OUT OF THIS TINY SHITHOLE

Therapy

    Did you tell your therapist about me?

    Does she know that I am weak? Does she know how I am stupid?

     Does she know I can't sleep

I can't go home
I can't have things be weird with you

Derailed

    it always feels like my eyes are bleeding

     it always feels like you're leaving

      feels like I need help 

       feels like I am not smart enough

         to solve my biggest problem which is myself

Clean

It is back

I am rewashing dishes

I am doing laundry every night 

but it was me that never got to come clean 

In The Morning

I cut my teeth on cellphone speakers

all night cried my eyes out

and miraculously in the morning they had never left

Muddled

I'm wincing

and not from all the fog, smoke and mirrors 

it's opaque, vague and distant

the amount of clairvoyance I need is extraordinary 

Unflinch

 just trying to find that one
who will love and listen to me

 unflinchingly 

Here Comes The Feeling You Thought You'd Forgotten

I felt it setting in last night, a watery seeping. 
Tonight it's crystallized, and my eyes are clear. 
I've found myself again. 
It's most like a poem, 
one of your friend tells you that they liked,
because they are your friend. 

It All

stop trying to force it

it's not working 

In A Black Pit

You can't really tell if you're falling, or still, can't see how deep you are, or aren't.

So

    i've never felt so irrelevant in my life
        besides maybe yesterday, or the day before

A Picture of Myself Through Your Eyes

I knew who it was and I knew what it meant

I can only feel any sense of worth from the two numbers deleted out of my phone 

The Leaving

this is somehow the worst feeling in the world

I am outside of your house in my car and you're leaving and we are both fucked in our different and specific ways

and it's like seven years ago

there is not a single word to be said

but I try all night anyway

What

I hope I turn into a robot, and walk steadily into that sunset