A Picture of Myself Through Your Eyes

I knew who it was and I knew what it meant

I can only feel any sense of worth from the two numbers deleted out of my phone 

What's the Difference

I thought that I could enjoy myself

by not thinking about it too much

who did I think I was

and if relationships are friendships

and friendships are relationships 

(like you told me)

then good luck making one the other

No Me Importa

in my search and plight for the most downtrodden man
as if i could even assist, with these tear sodden hands
i spoke the only thing i ask of you
just warn me when you'll be leaving soon
he replied that's what any human being would do
but i've loved robots and statues, 
dreams and lies for less
the truth remains, i am too weak and dishonest to protest
i've watched the sun set
over some odd years
it's almost finished now
i must be almost finished


the glassy mirror shows me more that i despise
than the shallow surface of her glassy eyes
and i threw rocks at her window
i left notes at her door
i rode passenger in her car
that was not the same vehicle as before
i cried and i begged, i sat in silence for 2190 days
i talked and talked and talked to everyone as if i wouldn't be betrayed

i found a friend or two
who stayed 
and stayed
and stayed
i shattered all the jars and all the vases
crying through a sappy smile at all the disarray

Power

I'm scared that I am the only one making this complicated. I am scared it could be simple. 
you said yourself I make a mess because I want it that way, well I said it and you agreed because we both knew it was true. 
you didn't say only if the other person wants it that way also, and neither did I, I worry that's because we didn't know. 
I'm scared I would want it no matter what. 
I am scared of the mess in my head. 

I haven't been this powerless in my life since I was a little kid,
lying sick on the couch, calling my mom. 
I hog-tied myself, but I am not watching anything go by, 
the life I want doesn't exist. 

Must Be Something

I can't feel love anymore

SHE NEEDS ME 

AND I AM SOMEONE

what's with the burning bridges?

they must keep you warm

they must be something 

Part of Me

"PART OF ME IS FIGHTING THIS

BUT PART OF ME IS GONE"

Test Test

I'm sorry for the things I said when I was testing to see if you would still love the worst possible version of me 

Internus

we are walking on his street in the dark, same side as his apartment, probably coming back from dinner or going out with his dog. I say some line I learned about the definition of alcoholism, how it is being harmful or detrimental to yourself or your loved ones (he likely taught me that, from his dui class I'd pick him up from). I'm complaining about my alcoholic and his behavior, and he is listening, and understanding, and sharing meaningful feedback.

Now I can't think of one problem outside of myself. Not one. 

It's Really Not That Bad

"she was grace and green as a stem,

but I walk heavy on delicate ground

...as I go showing off again

self-impressed by how well I can put myself down!

and there I go again

to the next further removed level

of that same exact feigned humility!

this for me goes on and on to the point of nausea"

I've been battling some sizable demons, they know my name, got my phone number memorized, can find me, whenever. She makes my stomach turn, my hands shake, and my gears spin up all night. I wanted to ask what she needed of me but it sounded too direct so I said nothing. I drove around the streets so that I could tell her I was driving and she would know what that meant; that I feel things.

I put those to rest.
The skeletons in my closet, what have you. Well they exhausted me.
It's always really bothered me how the end of something determines how it leaves someone feeling about it, whether it be a book, a movie, a relationship. I worried that the entirety of this year would become lost, an incoherent blur, only serving to preface all of the terrible events and feelings, and truths discovered at its conclusion. I thought about this some more (of course), and discovered that I did not wake up this morning, January 1st, immediately relieved of all anguish, discomfort and sorrow, these things take time. It turns out that the end of this year wasn't awful at all. First I guess I should start by saying that Scott, my boss gave me three bonuses at work which was not only very kind but very unnecessary, it meant he appreciates me and it means a lot. I haven't worried about money in a while (unfortunately resulting in the non-communication between my father and myself) and it feels as close to earning it myself/being completely self-sufficient as (currently) possible. I drove to LA and my car did great. Spending the week with Victoria, Ryan and Leo, was not only awesome and fun, but important, very healing, and definitely a learning experience. Victoria told me that you understand who you are and why you are that way when you have your own child, because you see what your parents did and did not do. I spent a couple days with Andy, not only nostalgic and reminiscent, but inspiring and instructive, too.
Things I have been working on AS WELL AS reaping the benefits of working on:
*Speaking up, and taking care of myself when I normally would not, out of fear or some level of "shyness"
*Taking responsibility; allowing myself to believe that I can take control/make change/deserve a say in how something is going to be (i.e. an active role in all aspects of my life)
*Communicating better and pushing away all raging feelings of inadequacy, terror of overbearing, and that overwhelming gnawing sensation of just finding what I'm saying annoying

I thought a whole lot about what Lizz told me, about how she said that I should be happy for myself not other people, and that's how I will be truly happy. I am still thinking about that, and while I find this true for many people, I very honestly believe that I will know happiness when I feel it radiate from my friends and loved ones and know in a small part of me that I may have contributed to that somehow. While I am learning to be alone (there are a lot of not so healthy ways to be with people in isolation), I find this period of my life not to be depressing, but rather in preparation for something good. This is not to say that I am going to black out this year and live it as a zombie ghost as I had planned, I will have to work (more) diligently as ever to keep from sinking, but I like to think I've always been rewarded for good behavior. 
So before I leave for Los Angeles I talk to Lizz and clear the air, and feel a lot better, and that we are on the same page, and that she still loves and thinks about me (and in a way that I can accept). I promise myself after that conversation to never be scared to call her when I want to, to never refrain from telling her where I am or what I am doing because I find it unwarranted or futile, and I think also simply to identify why it is when I do something consciously detrimental to a friendship that is so, so dear to me. Somewhere inside of me I knew that making amends with Austin was next, but at the same time convinced myself I wasn't ready/worthy of emotional peace in any way. I am not saying what I am about to say because I think that Lizz will read this, I say this with hundred percent sincerity, and am also fine with her reading it. Lizz without knowing it so often reassures important things for me that I need reassured, and when she returns my unfavorable (or repetitive..) behavior with patience, sensitivity and compassion it affirms for me that doing the right thing is in fact the right thing to do. I am an unsure person, and I know that I've been shut down and shut off more than enough times, and I know how much I dearly love to watch history repeat itself, if I need anything in this life it's positive affirmations. I'll believe in anything, just help me believe. It felt rewarding speaking my mind, despite how trivial and shameful the words sounded as they came out, so I figured I should keep mending. 
I told that person that I would love her no matter what and for always, and I didn't need a response to know it was profoundly heard. Saying something so apparent, and true to me seemed almost easy, but also grand, in that I was able to give someone something that they needed, when I had it all along. I literally felt the dark weight lifted, and held out that truth to the sun, the wound for what it was, a scar I was proud to bear. I felt honored by its perseverance and purpose.
I even talked to Austin too, we texted for a while, and I thought about seeing him, and looked forward to it.
Upon returning I had a few days to recoup, and keep the vortex at bay, I did my best, and talked to her because it seemed the right thing to do.
Jillian arrived and things were inevitably good, I speak unfiltered and listen almost in worship. I didn't have endless hopeless gloom to dump, I shared tales of redemption, recovery and progress. However small, there are things to look forward to, work towards, and work on. This all sounds a bit hokey or at least overstated on the verge of vapidity; dark to light, this brings me to my admission.
I was getting acupuncture, I felt trapped in that chair, covered in needles, knowing only two things: your enchantment over me, and the assumption that what you were trying to say is that you needed to see me. I told Jillian in the car that the most prominent thing about me is my sick belly. I get home and eat a lot of food, I drink most of a bottle of champagne, then most of a bottle of sake, from a mason jar like water, it doesn't affect me remarkably (all that shit is in your head), but I am talking a bit loud, probably about how this is unfair, and I don't want to be your boyfriend. You say you're good, and send me a song. I make Jillian listen to it, again, and again and again and again. Suddenly I am sleep, suddenly it's 2am and I am puking in the toilet. I wrote back "yeah?" She didn't respond and I didn't expect her to. I woke up and barfed a whole lot more then made Jillian clean it all up and drive me to work. She made me soup, and I barfed a lot more, again. For days I felt bad for all of this until when I apologized Jillian said she needed the dynamic and was happy about it, getting me saltines, sleeping with me all day. Sometimes you're not in the perfect place and someone could be okay with that, and even like it. This is only very bad if you then make each other worse, but if you get someone good, they'll make you better. Jillian genuinely nurses me back to health, tells me I had to purge the old year's negative chi before the new one, and Lizz if you're reading this I would have called you to help, I know you would have.

Important things to bear in mind this year:
*See things through that excite or inspire you
*Read, bike, create, watch movies in your spare time
*Work as much as possible, it will pay off
*Communicate clearly and honestly (with everyone)
*Say anything that you felt like you have been really needing to share or discuss
*Be consistent

New years eve comes and the flu passes, I finally feel pretty much alive, I ate real food and Jillian and I ran my errands and explored colleges. I sent you a text that said that I trust that we will repair this because I want to, and that was that. Jillian and I saw Big Eyes at Bay Street and got Korean BBQ, then ice cream. We talked a lot, for days, about the affects of dairy and allergies and how they are only mental manifestations, then neither of us could breathe. It was too cold to go on the roof but we did anyway and there were fireworks, and I felt great things, and thought I should keep this ball rolling, for the whole year long. Life is about taking action, I tell myself again. I know that my sadness is still there, it can just take back seat to my good.
I determine how all of this ends.

    "And I'll live without you Love, but what good is one glove, without the other?"

Kill Me

all I want 
is everyone 
I know and 
love to alternate 
between ignoring 
me completely, 
and depleting 
every 
ounce 
of 
attention
they
have
on 
me.

Space and Time But Mostly Neither

loving you correctly is like riding a bike

Something my parents neglected to teach me how to do

and something I had to move to oakland and learn myself

In relationships I've always felt you to be the coxswain 

and I have been the struggling rower

Your Person

This must be what divorce really feels like.
Not to be melodramatic, or over-exaggerating, I just mean looking out at the world,
the tasks, the errands, the small moments, the social events, it crystalizing that you must conquer these things alone, not with someone else any more.
What a privilege, to have one person, I thought.
And maybe this other new person is an old flame,
but for the first time in a long time, I am going out on a weeknight, and I am going to chose to live.
(No one needs to know what it is I do with my time, I remind myself.)
Even when it is hard, even when the choice is there.
I should see decisions as luxury, choices are a gift.
Sometimes you wish to feel a way in which you cannot.
He said inexplicable, but I knew that he really meant unexplainable.


"Your car is still dead in my driveway while I wait for the tow truck
and you know what, I know I drove you away, but I still don't think it was wrong so I don't know what to say"

Working on My Shit

I am writing this down not with the intention of sharing, but as something to reference when I no longer wish to act and feel awful while loving someone.

We are driving to the movie, Lizz tells me that she knows that I keep my feelings for a person from them completely, so whenever I say anything vague or negative about another person, or people in general, she assumes I am telling her my feelings (for her) without actually having to tell her. I respond with saying I tell her more than she thinks, and do tell her everything that I think about her. She complacently says "okay", to which I had to know if she was vaguely referring to Austin. "Are you talking about Austin?" I hear myself saying shamelessly, after she explained that she was eluding to no one in particular. She assures me she is not, and whether or not she is lying, I believe her. 

On the car ride back from the movie I am doing my new favorite thing (or old favorite thing that I recently rediscovered as amazingly satisfying). This totally immature perversion is essentially picking a fight to 'open a dialogue'. I say something upsetting, or an emotion I know is far better off going unshared, and drop it like a bomb so we can clean up the wreckage together, for the sake of bonding. As we drove up Jackson street I recall just saying one intentionally pathetic thought after another. She always meets me half way, engages and cares and tries to work it out no matter what, I can't stand to be around myself for it.

It's two in the morning and Lizz is calling. I answer without a thought, and she asks me to come pick her up. As I am pulling a sweatshirt on, I receive a text that reads "I would not ask if it weren't 100% necessary". As I drive down 47th, I contenplate my reply (which I had already typed out "I know"), but in fear of how it would be perceived, I did not write back at all, even picturing her feeling guilty standing outside a bar on Telegraph waiting in the dark and cold. I felt such embarrassment for trusting her so totally, humiliated by how much I sincerely did not mind at all. I've been getting so much better at trying my hardest NOT to make everything about myself, which is why in the car I force out "so I'll take you home", not even with so much as an undertone of apprehension or disappointment. Lizz says no, that she wants to come to my house, I then had to conceal my happiness that this what what she wanted (even with my previously proposed suggestion). I attempted, my very hardest, not to convince myself of all of the thousands of reasons she did not in actuality wish to come over. 

She profusely apologizes on the ride home, then apologizes for apologizing so much. I had made a stern promise on my way to find her that I would not reprimand or try to help for a single second, and of course ended up saying stupid shit about how she should do what she wants, stop catering to people, and become a broken record of all of the points she knows are hard for her. I apologize then, saying it doesn't help hearing these things said aloud like this, she agreed so passionately that I felt even worse, but was at least glad I was aware of it. 

We get upstairs, she's "starving", and I can't help with that either. She said that it's three in the morning, we should just put on a movie so she can fall asleep. I did not make a bitter joke about how I would inevitably be awake the entire night through, so at least there is that. "I've never seen Annie Hall", and soon I am turning it on. She is sound asleep instantly, and I am wide-eyed, panicked and full of more self-loathing than the whole day accumulated. I watch as neurotic, controlling, miserable, complaining, Woody Allen verbally harrasses this beautiful, innocent, naive, sweet, girl who doesn't yet know she is worth more than his grasp (and gripes). As he picked away at her, talking for hours on end about how he knows what would help her best, or just about himself, I had the horrific realization that this movie was not put on by chance, but a great fate played a role. I saw myself reflected in the blinding four am television screen.

In a deep slumber, Lizz, who had fallen asleep with her arms entangled in mine, pulls away and slides as far away from me as possible. I know that in these hours my mind plays tricks on me, but nonetheless, I am too exhausted to fight the constant battle, I forfeit, and allow myself to think these influenced and warped ideas. I was once again, shrunk down to one of those people who feels no worth when a person is sleeping facing the other way. I hated myself for it.

I spent the night mimicking her sleeping positions, tossing and turning, getting up and lying back down, and mulling over ever mistake I've ever made.

I told Lizz exactly none of this. I wanted to be a pure and perfect positive light that shone on her, wordlessly guiding her towards peace, happiness, and all of the wonderful things in life she was so insanely deserving of. If I was less than the very best version of myself, I would spend most moments of our friendship waiting for her to leave, abandon me as I have been left before, will be left again. For who I am.

She has already stated (yesterday) she finds me secretive and withholding, she has no idea I am playing coy. I can't tell her that I was dreaming of her as she called my phone last night, or that I feel like I could burst with the honesty of my love for her, and I see myself as a last resort friend. I do hide what I feel for my friends, I hide being so madly in love with them. 

We are in the car, just about back to the house and I said (hoping to be comforting in any way), "We all have our shit we are working on."

I was suggesting at my own raging insecurities, short-comings, and nonexistent self esteem.

I have not a clue what she was thinking I meant.

You cannot alter the past, but you can alter the future.

Easily

Whatever exactly it is that is between you and the great love of your life, it can die over night, as you sleep, find it dead in the morning just like a house plant. You'll spend the rest of your life wondering if you over or under-watered.

Woke Up Like This

I decided to take a nap to stifle my anger.
I woke up seething.

I do not care for things that either hurt my feelings, or confuse me, 
and most everything that he does seems to create a complicated, powerful and resounding assortment of the two.
It is as if at the core of all of his thoughts is one of two notions; 
the goal of leaving me behind, or getting as far away from me in every sense imaginable,
or second, I am disposable, useless, a thing of the past, and simply not something that runs through his mind at all, ever, besides the occasional belittling slight he hears before he walk away.
It all makes sense though, if I finally wrap my head around it rationally.
When you've given up in such a way, that your entire purpose is to find fun situations for yourself, the most fun situation out there, that is when I see with ultimate clairvoyance, that is when I see why I am no longer in the picture. 
Until recently he was my picture, his happiness, in very small and grandiose ways was everything to me. I awoke every morning with the concern for his contentment, I fell asleep every night loving, missing, or worrying for him.

As of late I have been so enormously disappointed by significant loved ones, that I, myself only feel alright when I am on my own. I am long accustomed to letting myself down, or being upset by my own thoughts, but I am too sensitive, and this pain I feel for the lack of love that I receive, no care at all, it is a torment that will never lessen one bit.

I was even fine with being alcohol's close second.

I Never Got the Chance to Say

that loving you is easy
it's the rest of it that's hard

so here's my start

I couldn't take my eyes off of you at that party
but whenever I did I saw you look over at me

I am only trying to love myself that hard
but I still don't know geography
I still don't know geography

but your vices
the ones you'd wish I'd join when I wouldn't have it
would rather stare at them with jealousy
wanting so bad to exclusively be your bad habit

I've got enough anxiety and doubt to eat away at the both of us
but if I make it out alive I swear to work on my assurance and trust

we've all got secrets
I know, I've been exercising sizable demons

I am scared, I am sad, and these two things will eat away at us slow then fast
but I swear if we make it out of this alive
(which we seem to be)
I still don't know geography
I still don't know

Friends

loving you is easy and permanent, but the fear will never go away
because I have watched before a love as special and pure fade
with an ordinary goodbye, on a nice and sunny day

she cried the last time we spoke
but cried for herself, not for me
the aftermath, there is nothing harder, I guess this is the only part that's easy

Slip Away

I guess it happens
and every relationship turns into
me waiting for
the most polite time
to leave the room and 
be alone

Utmost

My sincere, and humble advice is above all things, to find someone who receives and gives love in a way that you understand. No matter what is there, or what it is either of you think, or feel, even mutually, with a different language, day in and day out is a struggle.

Since When

if i met you today
i would whisper to you about you deep into the night
when we divulge our secrets in hope of rest
you'll assure me that you, for one, would never do that to me
just like you did then

you're just an illusion, anyways
a flickering shadow, i only just wish i could make light of
a projection on the wall of the cave i crawl into each and every three thirty
i've been on the verge
of telling that friend about that for years
since i explained someone is mirroring my emotions, manipulating my reflection
she remembers
and jesus christ, i miss you these nights
since year, like, two thousand and ten
and i've got this suspicion you have been aching for me since then