Innocence

"Aquarius – Sun (9 of Pentacles)
Confidence must be recognized and honored both in yourself and in others. If you don’t believe in yourself, how will anyone else? Developing a deeper acceptance of your Self requires that you become less dependent upon what you have and more concerned with who you are. Equally, what you think about you is more important than what they think. When you’re comfortable being you, you give others permission to be comfortable too. There’s no need for competition or fear of loss because you are not defined by anything. You are an important part of the world, allow your specialness to come through. By the middle of the month, you will uncover a brilliant treasure – one that cannot be destroyed, but can most certainly be employed. If you have been thinking about a career change, a major move, or a risky business venture, now is your time to strike! Let your conscience be your guide."

"9 of Pentacles

• Wealth; Abundance
• Insight into untapped internal resources.
• Tangible gain from projects, relationships, or work situations.
• Handling a situation in on your own leads to self-reliance and self-sufficiency.
• Luxury and material well-being.
• Achievement in your own eyes brings a sense of solitary satisfaction; you no longer need others to make you feel fulfilled."

"Sun

• Clarity and enlightenment. Success and achievement.
• Self confidence, independence, and determination.
• Opportunity for personal advancement.
• Creativity and talent. Inspirational. Healing"

Tremendous

"I felt what he felt, it was staggering, tremendous."

"We hadn't actually spoken since I gave him my blessing; I guessed he was busy doing all the things I was pretending he was. The thought gave me a sad ache, and even this ache was arousing."

this is me not writing about you, I know, I couldn't help it.

you may not forgive me, you may be actively not-forgiving me right now. the concept that I do things that intentionally make you unhappy, and your unhappiness re those choices, is one that we both can understand. the reward of this week, the reward of this life is going to be allowing myself to speak with you again. I feel right now as though (for many reasons) I've lost my sense of equilibrium, I am floating in a dark abyss, totally alone (by own doing). talking to you is not just an act that feels good, it is something that is good, it gives me a feeling of home, being understood and cared for. I've been thinking so much about all you do for me, I thought of writing it all down, all the small things that came to mind, just so you would know, I think you know you are a great friend to me, I hope you know. it is difficult to tell you how highly I regard you, hard to relay the depth or sincerity. this means everything to me, and I will not squander, let alone so much as weaken this by making it about a disease that always should have been treated professionally. I know I could go to you, I know I could tell you everything, it's not your job, even with it being so important to me, not only that I can be honest with you, but furthermore, that I so badly want to be. I am sorry for how I've treated you, I'll write it here since you do not wish to hear it. you're such a huge part in me wanting to feel better, for things to be good, and normal. I'm sorry I am not strong enough to allow myself anything in moderation, I had to cut off communication, because I'm all or nothing when I'm like this. I already showed you all, we both know pretty well it is too much. I am trying not to drown you in me, I am trying not to drown. I guess the worst part (selfishly) is that I do not know if it matters to you, if you'd like to be talking to me. today I remembered how I recently had told you I need us to talk every day, you didn't really say anything, but I trusted you still felt as though you wanted that too. I felt ashamed I couldn't keep everything how we wanted it, I still do. I miss you these days, I've been reading our old texts, looking at pictures. I remembered why I made this decision though, I saw what I had said to you and was so humiliated. I promise to try my very hardest not to be like that, we both know how. I've lost too many friends to the heaviness of my being, you're not other people, though, you're not like anyone else.
I owe you for all this, I won't forget

Edit (1:57am):

I LOVE YOU, FROM MY SWOLLEN EYES, TO MY BROKEN BRAIN, TO MY CAUTIONARY HEART

WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS

I say we because I mean us,

together

I am so sorry for isolating you from this

but I had to make these strides without

the fear of manipulating you within it

that sounds worse than it is

but me, I swear I'm worse than I sound

you believe me

you are the person

who takes me the right amount of serious

I'm not sure what I did to deserve this 

(I long to tell you everything,
I need someone who wants to hear it..)


"there's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more
I can't hide no more
got to be true to myself
and it feels like I am just too close to love you"

"to let me dangle at a cruel angle
oh my feet don't touch the floor"

Direct Decisions

“But in an attempt to delay the end, 

I delay the start by refusing to make any direct or immediate decisions.”

“We seem to break ourselves down just to handcraft our own resurrection.”

It's All Over For Me, Let Me Be

"sometimes everything gets real at once"

it's pouring rain 

it's irrelevant if I'm living

it's irrelevant how I spend my time

the check engine light is on my dash

and I say

things are that bad huh?

with us (car, myself)

with me

we'll get as far as we can

on borrowed gas we have no plan on giving back

on some oil dumped in on the way

just to get me home

it's the wrong grade 

problems incorrectly addressed

a person incorrectly addressed 

this home isn't home

makes me feel at home

secret letters in a box

secret ink in my mouth 

I don't know who I am anymore 

allow me to mourn 

leave me alone 

"thunder rumbling
castles crumbling
I am trying to hold on
god knows that I tried
seeing the bright side
I'm not blind anymore"

“Every afternoon at three, there’s this poisonous fog bank, rolling in on my mind”

"For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me"

Gifts of Energy

"6 of Pentacles
Generosity or Gifts of Energy
Profusion and abundance through striving for material success.
Experiencing the joy of giving without expectations.
Income or security is steady and predictable.
Sensitivity to others needs or an even exchange of energy or resources.
Combining your own resources with that of another’s to create something successful."

"The evenly balanced scale that the man holds should be an indicator of justice and righteousness, but this anonymous man's version of what is just and right may be out of balance with reality. The floating Pentacles having no relation to the unfolding scene indicate that this is not a card of certainty or assurances. This card reveals that what you thought you wanted was not necessarily best for you. Success and failure are arbitrary and capricious; the appearance of balance is an illusion"
 "In the preceding card of the Pentacles suit (the Five of Pentacles), two beggars walk past a stained glass church window. In this card, two beggars appear to be getting what they want. But when they were on the outside looking in, they were standing. Here they get what they want, but they are kneeling. Which position is worse?"
"The Six of Pentacles is strong in the present position and can be one of the most confrontational cards in the Tarot deck. You need to be woken up from your state of denial about your relationship to the material plane in general and money specifically. This card here indicates that some forces are controlling your finances. Be it a stingy parent, an aloof partner or a credit card agreement that charges too much interest, you are stunted in your growth as a person due to limitations on your material situation. The lack of control over your own destiny is the most frustrating aspect.
When your Tarot reader places the Six of Pentacles in the future position, the Tarot deck is hollering that familiar phrase: "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!" In the future position, the Six of Pentacles asks you now to question your motivation. You can lessen the damage of future obligations by making better choices now. This is not a powerful card of predestination; this card constantly reminds you of the difference between the illusion of your desires and the reality of what they are when made real."

Calm After The Storm

"Star
Faith. Hope. Unconscious will of life.
Feeling a strong connection to something or someone.
Finding meaning in the mundane.
Calm after the storm."

"Dream big, work hard. Without dedication, dreams are just fantasies. Now is the time to begin planning your visions, goals, and dreams. The first stage was visualization but now you must take action. No matter what you’re dreaming up, you must do something about it. This will require an investment of sorts – money or time. You’re in a good place to manifest your ideas into a reality. This is also a time of recovery . If you have been struggling with health related issues, you will begin to feel stronger and refreshed. Don’t push yourself too hard; slow and steady is just fine. The light at the end of the tunnel will beam brighter and your confidence in life will be restored."

"Ace of Pentacles
Ambition; power of the body
New stable situation. Opportunity to give tangible expression to talents in order to achieve something of value.
Fresh ambition toward material success.
Learning to use common sense or realism to solve dilemmas.
Possible accumulation of money through work or other means."

"If you are in need of a reality check, the Ace of Pentacles card will be a welcome sight in your Tarot reading. Pragmatic and observant, this is the card of abundance that influences the material world to spread the wealth your way!
Across an almost silver sky, a hand emerges from a frothy cloud, holding a golden coin emblazoned with the pentacle. Beneath it is a flowering garden surrounded by a hedgerow with an open entrance leading out to a distant majestic mountainscape.
The hand holding the coin is so white it is made of light. Is it the hand of an angel, the hand of a god perhaps? Rays of energy are pulsating out from the hand's profile, signaling the power of this gift that the universe is offering. As much as the universe is offering you this gift of pragmatism and abundance, you must act to accept it. It is being offered to you, not dropped into your lap."

"The Ace of Pentacles is about manifestation of your goals, and that you are moving into a more positive state of mind about what you are capable of achieving. Your ideas are ready to be turned into something tangible. Figure out what will work and make it a reality. Thus, the Ace of Pentacles sees you starting to map out how exactly you will achieve your goals, by creating targeted action plans and getting those actions underway. There are opportunities that are becoming available to you that will help you to manifest your goals and realize your inner potential, whilst at the same time generate some level of income and financial support. You are beginning to see that the world is indeed your oyster and that through careful planning, you can manifest your true goals and desires. 
The Ace of Pentacles can suggest that we need to introduce something new into the equation. Rather than let things remain as they are, and hope they work themselves out, the Ace of Pentacles suggests you throw something new into the mix. Consider something that is out-of-character or something you might not ordinarily do, or get around to doing. For instance, you might consider joining a club, taking a class to learn new skills or maybe even picking up a couple of books to learn how to build a new business."

My Head

"WELL MY HEAD

JUST AINT

WHAT IT USED TO BE"

i wash the sleeping pill down with cough syrup, to get through the night, the hardest part. i am awoken at 4am to my neighbor hitting his wife in the face, the five year old cries, and is disregarded with an ice pack melting in his hands for the "lumps". i don't tell anyone these things anymore, my ipod getting stolen out my car, anything victimizing, because i am not a victim, anymore. i figured the most sensible thing to do was travel in my sleep, to see your face and deliver my love. well i'm tossing and turning to the rhythm of death, the infestation is in my head, i don't know how to say that.

"And I see things I actually don't see. I knew it wasn't actually you a few feet from my reach. I looked into your eyes and I began to lose my teeth, 
And I felt you were dreaming the same thing."

i tell her that i am capable of doing anything, with the power of my mind's energy, except find the right words to say, on some days i can't hear anything over that voice that won't seem to go away. i understand more and more, as days go by, i can ring up that person, when i want to get out of here.

"You know who I am... you held my hem as I traveled blind,

listening to the whispering in my ear, soft but getting stronger,

telling me the only purpose of my being here is to stay a bit longer."

8 Swords

"Aquarius – Magician (8 of Swords)
The concept of right and wrong is artificial, and often exploited by religious and political institutions. When you believe you’re right, you feel good about yourself and when you believe you’re wrong, you feel guilty and defensive. If you removed these judgments and simply reflected on your beliefs and actions, you would learn so much more about who you are. Then, rather from the moral pulpit of condemnation, you would create the person you want to be. You could relinquish yourself from the fear of not being good enough to embrace the person you are – light and dark. Look around and notice what you are unintentionally creating. Are you operating from fear or confidence? Take a risk this year by living the life you truly desire not the half-life you feel trapped in. There’s an amazing world out there waiting for your contribution."

"Magician

• Using personal skills and talents to create a desired result.
• Initiating new goals and endeavors.
• Synchronicity.
• Self- awareness and focus on personal growth."

• "Bondage through fear of decision because the consequences of either choice do not want to be confronted.
• Waiting to be rescued. Loss of power due to inner turmoil or depression.
• Danger of getting stuck in old convictions, ideas, or self-denial.
• The fear of fear is causing impotence instead of action."

"When you have put yourself in a bind from which there seems no escape, when you are lonely and might only have yourself to blame, when you adamantly refuse to take any responsibility for a bad situation … you are drawing the Eight of Swords in a Tarot Reading. This is a card that demands you investigate your status as a victim and acknowledge your own role in any possible downfalls that may be occurring around you.

A woman in a flowing robe is blindfolded and her torso bound. She is standing, not tied to anything and not tied up by anyone. Behind her off in the distance is a castle on a hill. At her feet are murky puddles of water in the mud. There are 8 swords behind her, buried with their points in the ground. The desolate landscape is under a dreary and cloudless gray sky.

Swords represent words. A sword that is buried represents words that dug deep. The gloomy nature of the scene depicted on the Eight of Swords Tarot card underscores that a long period of criticism has caused a person to turn into an withdrawn, stuck being. Be it harsh words that were lessons from your past or more recent verbal exchanges in your professional world or love relationship, the ideas expressed have caused you to shut down.

There is nobody around the tied-up victim, she has her shoes on and could begin walking away from all those swords. There is nobody stopping her from slowly removing that which binds and blinds her. But at the present, she stands amidst the swords. A closer contemplation could make one wonder how much of the negative criticism that they represent she has begun to believe about herself."

"In the past position of a Tarot Reading, the Eight of Swords indicates that you have been trapped in a hurtful relationship. Perhaps it was in your childhood or prior to a recent breakup. The Eight of Swords is weak here, it is never a card to serve as the foundation of the reading. The lasting effect of the card may be as minimal as low self-esteem, but could also point out that unresolved issues from childhood are creating a self-destructive response to your current situation.

When the Eight of Swords is dealt out into the present position during your Tarot reading, it is at its strongest. This is a card that is confronting you with the stagnant aspects of your current situation. Often, Tarot readers will tell a person receiving this card during a reading that the Eight of Swords in the present position represents denial. Oftentimes, the querent will then deny that there is any of that behavior going on. The Eight of Swords in the Present position lets you know that you may not be the person who put the blindfold around your eyes, but you are the person keeping it on."

It's Really Not That Bad

"she was grace and green as a stem,

but I walk heavy on delicate ground

...as I go showing off again

self-impressed by how well I can put myself down!

and there I go again

to the next further removed level

of that same exact feigned humility!

this for me goes on and on to the point of nausea"

I've been battling some sizable demons, they know my name, got my phone number memorized, can find me, whenever. She makes my stomach turn, my hands shake, and my gears spin up all night. I wanted to ask what she needed of me but it sounded too direct so I said nothing. I drove around the streets so that I could tell her I was driving and she would know what that meant; that I feel things.

I put those to rest.
The skeletons in my closet, what have you. Well they exhausted me.
It's always really bothered me how the end of something determines how it leaves someone feeling about it, whether it be a book, a movie, a relationship. I worried that the entirety of this year would become lost, an incoherent blur, only serving to preface all of the terrible events and feelings, and truths discovered at its conclusion. I thought about this some more (of course), and discovered that I did not wake up this morning, January 1st, immediately relieved of all anguish, discomfort and sorrow, these things take time. It turns out that the end of this year wasn't awful at all. First I guess I should start by saying that Scott, my boss gave me three bonuses at work which was not only very kind but very unnecessary, it meant he appreciates me and it means a lot. I haven't worried about money in a while (unfortunately resulting in the non-communication between my father and myself) and it feels as close to earning it myself/being completely self-sufficient as (currently) possible. I drove to LA and my car did great. Spending the week with Victoria, Ryan and Leo, was not only awesome and fun, but important, very healing, and definitely a learning experience. Victoria told me that you understand who you are and why you are that way when you have your own child, because you see what your parents did and did not do. I spent a couple days with Andy, not only nostalgic and reminiscent, but inspiring and instructive, too.
Things I have been working on AS WELL AS reaping the benefits of working on:
*Speaking up, and taking care of myself when I normally would not, out of fear or some level of "shyness"
*Taking responsibility; allowing myself to believe that I can take control/make change/deserve a say in how something is going to be (i.e. an active role in all aspects of my life)
*Communicating better and pushing away all raging feelings of inadequacy, terror of overbearing, and that overwhelming gnawing sensation of just finding what I'm saying annoying

I thought a whole lot about what Lizz told me, about how she said that I should be happy for myself not other people, and that's how I will be truly happy. I am still thinking about that, and while I find this true for many people, I very honestly believe that I will know happiness when I feel it radiate from my friends and loved ones and know in a small part of me that I may have contributed to that somehow. While I am learning to be alone (there are a lot of not so healthy ways to be with people in isolation), I find this period of my life not to be depressing, but rather in preparation for something good. This is not to say that I am going to black out this year and live it as a zombie ghost as I had planned, I will have to work (more) diligently as ever to keep from sinking, but I like to think I've always been rewarded for good behavior. 
So before I leave for Los Angeles I talk to Lizz and clear the air, and feel a lot better, and that we are on the same page, and that she still loves and thinks about me (and in a way that I can accept). I promise myself after that conversation to never be scared to call her when I want to, to never refrain from telling her where I am or what I am doing because I find it unwarranted or futile, and I think also simply to identify why it is when I do something consciously detrimental to a friendship that is so, so dear to me. Somewhere inside of me I knew that making amends with Austin was next, but at the same time convinced myself I wasn't ready/worthy of emotional peace in any way. I am not saying what I am about to say because I think that Lizz will read this, I say this with hundred percent sincerity, and am also fine with her reading it. Lizz without knowing it so often reassures important things for me that I need reassured, and when she returns my unfavorable (or repetitive..) behavior with patience, sensitivity and compassion it affirms for me that doing the right thing is in fact the right thing to do. I am an unsure person, and I know that I've been shut down and shut off more than enough times, and I know how much I dearly love to watch history repeat itself, if I need anything in this life it's positive affirmations. I'll believe in anything, just help me believe. It felt rewarding speaking my mind, despite how trivial and shameful the words sounded as they came out, so I figured I should keep mending. 
I told that person that I would love her no matter what and for always, and I didn't need a response to know it was profoundly heard. Saying something so apparent, and true to me seemed almost easy, but also grand, in that I was able to give someone something that they needed, when I had it all along. I literally felt the dark weight lifted, and held out that truth to the sun, the wound for what it was, a scar I was proud to bear. I felt honored by its perseverance and purpose.
I even talked to Austin too, we texted for a while, and I thought about seeing him, and looked forward to it.
Upon returning I had a few days to recoup, and keep the vortex at bay, I did my best, and talked to her because it seemed the right thing to do.
Jillian arrived and things were inevitably good, I speak unfiltered and listen almost in worship. I didn't have endless hopeless gloom to dump, I shared tales of redemption, recovery and progress. However small, there are things to look forward to, work towards, and work on. This all sounds a bit hokey or at least overstated on the verge of vapidity; dark to light, this brings me to my admission.
I was getting acupuncture, I felt trapped in that chair, covered in needles, knowing only two things: your enchantment over me, and the assumption that what you were trying to say is that you needed to see me. I told Jillian in the car that the most prominent thing about me is my sick belly. I get home and eat a lot of food, I drink most of a bottle of champagne, then most of a bottle of sake, from a mason jar like water, it doesn't affect me remarkably (all that shit is in your head), but I am talking a bit loud, probably about how this is unfair, and I don't want to be your boyfriend. You say you're good, and send me a song. I make Jillian listen to it, again, and again and again and again. Suddenly I am sleep, suddenly it's 2am and I am puking in the toilet. I wrote back "yeah?" She didn't respond and I didn't expect her to. I woke up and barfed a whole lot more then made Jillian clean it all up and drive me to work. She made me soup, and I barfed a lot more, again. For days I felt bad for all of this until when I apologized Jillian said she needed the dynamic and was happy about it, getting me saltines, sleeping with me all day. Sometimes you're not in the perfect place and someone could be okay with that, and even like it. This is only very bad if you then make each other worse, but if you get someone good, they'll make you better. Jillian genuinely nurses me back to health, tells me I had to purge the old year's negative chi before the new one, and Lizz if you're reading this I would have called you to help, I know you would have.

Important things to bear in mind this year:
*See things through that excite or inspire you
*Read, bike, create, watch movies in your spare time
*Work as much as possible, it will pay off
*Communicate clearly and honestly (with everyone)
*Say anything that you felt like you have been really needing to share or discuss
*Be consistent

New years eve comes and the flu passes, I finally feel pretty much alive, I ate real food and Jillian and I ran my errands and explored colleges. I sent you a text that said that I trust that we will repair this because I want to, and that was that. Jillian and I saw Big Eyes at Bay Street and got Korean BBQ, then ice cream. We talked a lot, for days, about the affects of dairy and allergies and how they are only mental manifestations, then neither of us could breathe. It was too cold to go on the roof but we did anyway and there were fireworks, and I felt great things, and thought I should keep this ball rolling, for the whole year long. Life is about taking action, I tell myself again. I know that my sadness is still there, it can just take back seat to my good.
I determine how all of this ends.

    "And I'll live without you Love, but what good is one glove, without the other?"

Guidelines to Ensure Comfort

"Now suddenly palpable is how little can be shared between two individuals."

"The things with which I move through time have stopped moving."

Inner Voice

"Aquarius – High Priestess (2 of Pentacles)
If you want to develop your intuition or get in touch with your inner guide, you need to become silent. There is so much chattering going on in your head that it is nearly impossible for anything subtle to penetrate. Business is another form of chatter – busy-ness. You run from here to there filling your time and mind with extras, planning for the future and holding on to the past. It’s no wonder you feel drained and disconnected. Imagine what it would feel like to be completely present and responsive, in touch with your inner voice and unfettered by distractions? This state of being is possible with practice. No matter what happens this month, make an effort to remain present and open. Your intuition may surprise you.""

High Priestess

• Turning within or reflecting to find answers.
• Things are not as they appear, look beyond the obvious.
• Recognize the symbolic meaning.
• Sub conscious and intuition.

""

2 of Pentacles

• Understanding the ups and downs as part of the process.
• The necessity of remaining flexible during the transition of several propositions.
• Ability to juggle money, resources or situations in order to acquire the most productive results.
• Harmony within change, flexibility keeps everything moving.
• Change and fluctuation of material resources.

""When you are not sure how to act but you are calm, knowing that the answer is probably out there or that things will sort themselves out without your interference, you might notice that your relaxed posture on the seat of wisdom mimics that of The High Priestess Tarot card. This card assures you to trust your gut, to be passive and wait to respond to provocations instead of provoking responses. The world has many secrets in it to be unlocked and taking the less obvious path to any or all of these answers is the route favored by this card."

Past Lives

"Moon

• Uncertainty. Confusion. Disorientation.
• Feeling driven by uncontrollable influences.
• Enhanced intuition and prophetic dreams.
• Self- deception or unobtainable fantasies.

Aquarius – Moon (2 of Cups)

Have you ever really considered how much influence others have on your mood? Like the tides of the ocean are affected by the gravitational pull of the moon, people too produce their own gravitational pull. Relationships are little solar systems, rotating and relating to one another according to particular patterns. When something unpredictable occurs, the system is disrupted often spinning out of control. You’ll experience this kind of uncertainty this month in one of your relationships. Although the gravity of your emotions may pull you down into a dark and mysterious place, rather than resist the turbulence of dark space, be still and float through your own doubts. Don’t be alarmed if someone close to you is also going through dark space. Each person must find their own balance before they can support one another. Stay centered and don’t be swept away by others moods. Be good to yourself first.

2 of Cups

• Beginning of relationship or a reconciliation of opposites.
• A love affair, partnership, or encounter that provokes deep emotions.
• Inner peace. Finding balance within a relationship.
• The mirroring of your emotions through that of another.
• Opening up to others through compassionate response. Feeling great affinity towards another.
• 
  

Have you discovered an unfamiliar yet beautiful new reality? Are you feeling disconnected to the values and traditions with which you were brought up? Is an alienation from the norm creeping into your life? Have you been talked into something that only last year you would have considered preposterous? Are you aimless in your goals and ambition? Has an artistically inspired streak of creativity suddenly appeared out of nowhere? All of these brooding outsider tendencies call forth The Moon card from the Tarot deck when you seek a reading to show you the way.

In the middle of the night, the Moon appears low in the sky. It is full, rays of light emanating from it, and yet, there is a contemplative face in profile taking up almost half of one side. The landscape under the Moon has a dirt path in the center leading off into the hills. There is a dog and a wolf, one on either side of the path. In the foreground there is a body of water into which the path leads. A lobster crawls up out of the sea, its front claws touching the start of the path. On the far left and right of the card at the beginning of the darkened hills are matching stone obelisk watchtowers.

Everything about this card presents two possibilities. We only see half of the surface of the Moon, and the profile of the face is only half of it. The towers match, but are on opposite sides of the card. Is the path leading to the lobster or is this crustacean merely starting the journey into wisdom … or oblivion. The dog and wolf represent our animal nature and the lobster is near the bottom of the evolutionary ladder, behind the dog and wolf, just beginning to understand that there is a path to higher consciousness. The watchtowers represent the mysteries of good and evil and how they may appear quite alike, and that we discover them as we grow walking down the path of consciousness. We grow into distinguishing good from evil. The Moon can inspire insight as easily as it signals the presence of great confusion.

When drawn in the present position, you may be getting so many mixed signals from the outside world that your turning to a Tarot reading is a seeking of some clarity, some answer to all the confusion. The world around you may be different and the structures that have long comforted you are suddenly absent. The temptations of alcohol, drugs, meaningless pleasure seeking, gambling and other escapes from reality are all too real. The Moon represents falling out of touch with reality. However, it also represents a chance to better yourself by not believing in the false assumptions that we all agree to within societal norms. Instead of following the path that you are told will get you somewhere (the path that has at present left you lost), The Moon signals your opportunity to create your own structures; a life from your own imagination and design."

Resolve to Never be Happy Enough

"

"

My Spine

"All the good thoughts -- the normal ones, the ones that have occasionally surfaced since last fall -- scramble out the front of my brain in terror of what lives in my neck and spine."

"Life isn't about feeling better;
it's about getting the job done."

"The Four of Cups Tarot Card

If you are getting a Tarot reading and the Four of Cups card appears, just having taken the step to acknowledge that the Tarot reader is needed – that there is someone in the universe besides your self – is a big step. The Four of Cups is a stubborn, ungrateful and self-absorbed card. Whether you are off in your own little world, depressed, selfish, afraid to reach out or are nursing wounds from a bad relationship, the isolation in your world is self-imposed – you can take the kindness of the universe and join us all in the real world whenever you choose. The appearance of this card insists that your detachment from being part of the world is becoming an issue.

A young man sits beneath a tree on a hillside. There is a subdued landscape off in the distance under a brilliant blue sky. The boy is sitting cross-legged with his arms folded. His head is slightly bowed and his eyes appear to be closed. In the foreground, just down the hill, are three golden chalices. They rest upright on flat, solid ground. The green hillside is alive with shoots of new grass. Floating at the young man's eye level is a small cloud. From it a hand protrudes, holding a fourth, matching cup.

The ambiguous nature of the boy is key to this card. Is the boy pouting or asleep? The question really asks if he is resisting the offer of another cup in his intransigence or is he missing out on the offer of another cup by being asleep. The card symbolizes opportunities ignored or unrealized. Cups are the Tarot's suit of emotions and in this card they are your future regrets if you do not stop sulking or sleeping. The card is a call to action; it is time to wake up, be alert and to be open to new experiences.

Meaning in Past, Present and Future Positions

Every Tarot reading sees the cards dealt out into positions representing your past, your present and your future. Cards are often stronger in one of these three spots than they are in the other two.

If the Four of Cups is in the past position in your reading, the foundation of your current situation is based on not taking an opportunity that was once offered to you. Perhaps you turned down a person who was romantically interested in you and now that person has gone on to have a successful career. You may have some bitterness over a failure to take advantage of a situation in the past. You may be angry at fate, you may be angry with some other person or group of people and you may be mad at yourself, but the presence of this card in this position is to insist that you acknowledge and accept the past. In such a realization of what happened, you will be able to move past it.

In the present position, the Four of Cups indicates that you are closed off to a solution that would assist you. You might be stubbornly clinging to the old way of doing things. There may be someone in your life who is offering you love and you are turning it down, or you are so self-involved that you do not even know what love is beyond self-love. You will have to confront yourself and be totally honest with how you are behaving, as this card brings up excuses and rationalizations as a defense mechanism to continue the pattern of avoidance symbolized by the crossed arms of the boy illustrated on the card.

The future position is actually a strong placement for this card and one that is more often beneficial to you than the card's reputation might indicate. The Four of Cups takes on a wisdom of selective standards. The older we get, the more we know what to avoid as our intellect combines with experience to make us turn down certain offers. For example, the Four of Cups in the future could indicate you turning down cigarettes or avoiding wild parties where trouble could be brewing. What is attractive to you at one age is repulsive later in life. When this card is in this position, you will be growing wise and learning what to just not bother with anymore."

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"Quick Summary of Astrological Associations for the Four of Cups: Fourth House (Home, Family, Nurture, The Past), Cancer, the Moon

In Anna Cook's TD system, cards 2 through 10 are known as Subject Cards. They are viewed as having a strong impact on our immediate agenda, on situations, moods, opportunities or obstacles that pass quickly. The number on the card reveals the situation. The suit and definition suggest the reason for the situation, along with options and the most beneficial approach to take.

The suit of Cups represents Emotion, including dreams and that which gives meaning to your life. This is a fairly standard Tarot association. The astrological aspect of this system comes into play when we start talking about the number on the card.

To interpret the number Four, we look at the astrological Fourth House, which is considered to be the house of home, family, nurture, and the past. In a birth chart, this house helps us understand how we feel "at home" and secure, where we have a sense of "belonging." Our past has a huge effect on where and how we feel secure or "at home" and what we are sentimental about.

In astrology, the Fourth House is associated with the zodiac sign Cancer, which is ruled by the Moon (representing our emotions).

Based on the astrological associations described above, it's easy to see that the Four of Cups is going to have a very strong emotional component that relates to our sense of security and belonging. I would say that we are likely being asked to explore something to do with our daily life or home life (perhaps with an emphasis on how a past experience or experiences might affect our current approach to a situation). Anna's key words for the Four of Cups are "Emotional / Incentive, Security." On the positive side, there may be feelings of self-satisfaction. On the negative side, there may be feelings of anxiety."

"Give me what I want and all I can think about is losing it"

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Just Want Anyone

"I just want anyone
kind of on the same page"

"All I want is to be human."

Out To Get You

"I wonder what it'd be like if I didn't have someone out to get me."

"She isn't out to get you."

To Preface the Foreword

“Well, I’ve been wandering nightly 

through the garden of your heartache”

The Menzingers, I Don’t Want to Be an Asshole Anymore

“We loved with a love that was more than love”

Jordan Dreyer, La Dispute

“He linked the past with the present, and the eternity behind him throbbed through him in a mighty rhythm to which he swayed as the tides and seasons swayed.”

Jack London, The Call of the Wild

“I am terrified of the things I feel but cannot see.”

Jordan Dreyer, La Dispute

“How does anyone let go of anything?“

-Miranda July