Choke

I wanna scream and weep like a child

I want to be petty and I want my saliva to be so thick that I choke on it

but do not stop yelling in your face

because you are being a fucking bitch

and I am going to wait it out because that is what friendship is

"stop looking at me with those eyes 

like I could disappear and you wouldn't care why 

now I'm fucked up"

your cold feet touch me in the bed and i scream
you cook quinoa for dinner and do the dishes
you drive me to the hospital even though i do not tell you what for

i create a gate you wanted between the neighbors and us with a wooden pallet
i buy paper towels, toilet paper, bleach, and brita filters
i wash our clothes every day ~ every other day

you let me wear your socks and don't know i wear your underwear
you buy a loofa for my shower
you send me pictures of yourself in my bed with a sliver of light on your face from the window

i give you my key to make two copies
i text you the name of songs that you like on the radio and do not know
i call you every day as soon as i get off of work

you let me put facemask on your beard
you drive me around in my car


it ain't all bad

Cheer Up Cheer Down

during the night I give your body a squeeze
appreciative of the absence of fear
that you will indecorously leave

I hold your hand the whole movie
so you don't bite your nails 

you told me I'm weird but that you liked it

you call me in that fidgety, frantic distress
wanting a makeshift cocktail

said you really needed me

and not for cheering up

Sorted

how badly I need this sorted

how many different ways I attempt to tell you this is important

you suspend this

I'm hanging on your every word

they are horrendous 

temptress

you made me hate myself nearly as much as I wanted

I need this
how I groveled, how I pleaded
you were left satisfied,
and I was defeated

it feels so good under your palm 

the comfort, of your maraud

"you're a liar, a fraud

omission is your most dastardly sin"

from your mouth to mine I deeply breathe that in 

of course there are no words so we are silent

again

I tried to use my hands to mend instead
to reach my friend
I touched your back
and you turned to the other side of the bed

Mollie Puts Mollie in The Corner

Should I take the desk

Everyone is recommending

"It has a window so you can see what's going on"

It has a shelf, for personal pictures and small plants

Nobody puts Mollie in the corner but me

And I know just what the corner means

Just like I know just what the corner desk means

Settling

Settling in

Staying

I'll take all of your best accounts because I hate you even though you never told on me as you watched me steal so, so many toiletries and office supplies

I will single-handedly plug the holes in the sinking ship

Cause I'm on it and it's familar

Austin said last night what is the point of living if we will forget what a nice dinner we had

Within a month

He said why do anything

Because with you around

I finally 

no longer feel like a pity fuck of a friend 

When I tell you I'm awful you agree and it's okay because you are too and we don't like change

But I want to change

I think I want a corner desk with a window 

And in a few years I will forget this place

I will forget nice dinners and nice walks and nice nights and conversations

I will die and forget sleeping next to you and how I stayed at this job and left nothing for my grandkids 

Because I spent what little I made

On the roadside succulents I got with you

Before our nice dinner

We will both forget in November

When the small plants and personal pictures of you will be on my new shelf

Until I die

Last Hurray

this weekend is it, and there is such inexplicable relief in that. 

I can feel the swirling heaviness shift shape into something devious

I must let it go

I must let you go

I was so excited to get close to someone so deeply incredible that I broke my rules

I played old games with new names 

and I left you so sad

and it left me just the same 

How's This

emotionally bored

I start throwing dishes

not to hear the sound

but see if you'll react to it

the only thing I hate is my feelings 

I'll just find a way to dilute them

I will just manage to stay distracted 

I'm sorry 

I'm sorry

I'm sorry 

"I don't particularly want to have a long drawn out conversation about this"

How do people decide what to say?

Dosages and Ringing Phones

it's 12:48pm and jillian calls me, I am sitting at the prepress computer in back, I ask if everything is okay, she said no. we laugh together for a while, and she says that she is crying, and I can hear that she is, we talk about school, and living situations, and la. I move to the break room, and we talk for twenty minutes until we both have to go. it's 3pm, I am sitting at scott's desk, on the phone with greg, and had been on and off for quite some time. I tell greg that I "only a couple more fires to put out" before I can go, we laugh at all the madness. greg said even the worst most awful day that scott could have at lithograph is still better than where he was now, I never thought about it like that before, I agreed. I email denise and robin, I download the new artwork from mary leigh, and get the proof ready for emily, scott sends me an email "get out of there!" around four, and I do. walking up to my apartment door I text brittany, I just say "yo". I explain that I am off work, not looking at that room, and going to charge my phone. she says that her and satori had already got all the curry and veggies, said that they're excited. I ask where to get oil, she tells me all of the names of places, and I go to auto zone, put some in, and drive to san jose. on my way there, hitting the five o'clock traffic perfectly, beni texts me a picture of him on his construction site, smiling in the sun. I respond that it's my new favorite, and mean it. we text for a while, he sends a video he took of the river, he asks me for a picture and I send one. I call brittany once I park, and get her ringback tone. brittany and satori walk down and meet me in the street, we hug, and head for japantown. we get pocky, sake, and mochi. making dinner was fun, and after brittany set the table, made the rice, and satori cooked everything in the wok, and poured us shots, I said I felt like their baby, I corrected myself, and said "family". brittany and I stay up until about midnight discussing politics, racism, family, siblings, high school, growing up, divorce, choices, we eat black sesame mochi and I tell her that my dad abandoned me and now I live inside that fear. driving home I am listening to music loud, and texting lizz, she sends me a nice text about my car, we talk about alex and andy, and los angeles, I wonder if she is drunk. at home, a little before one, I am exhausted, take sleeping pills anyway, and fall asleep quickly. I am awoken at 3:23am to my phone vibrating on my laptop, asleep and confused I look at my screen and see a picture of beni ross' stomach, in the dark. I answer. he tells me that he was thinking about me, and was going to leave a message. he says that he hadn't been checking his phone because people were playing music and he was dancing, barefoot in the grass. he says that he danced for hours, and when other people stopped, he did not understand. he and I talked about us, music, sex, lifestyles, his ex, friends, fears, concerns, wants, it felt a lot longer but we talked for fifty minutes, opposed to exactly sixty minutes like the night before. "I am not doing this to make myself feel better, I don't need to feel better". he tells me that he wants to take things slow, he tells me that this isn't what he was looking for it just happened, and it's passionate and it's real. he said jeff likes me, and approves of me, and if he didn't we probably wouldn't be talking, he tells me that jeff told him now he saw sparks between us. someone is blowing up an air mattress and beni has to get off the phone, he doesn't text me afterwards, which is fine, and I eventually fall back asleep. I wake up around 8:30 or 9, and call my dad back around 9:30 or 10am. my dad says he called about depositing me money, and that he had, I tell him that I am going to stay there next weekend, he said he will be in san rafael but will leave the back door unlocked for me. he tells me that dylan said he is going to call me, and I can hear dylan in the background, I say okay and we get off of the phone. moments later dylan is calling, and we talk about marysville, methadone milligrams, the future, I say to him that I am stoked that he is doing that, he responds "me too". I tell him that I will be there next weekend, he tells me that he might even be moved out to mitch's by then. I get off of the phone to make coffee and eggs, but realize that I cannot get out of bed, so I lay there for a while longer. my phone begins to ring again, and it is alex. she asks about beni, and I ask her about grey's anatomy; we were up and snapping each other at 4:30am. we talk about cody, austin, friends, moving, work. she tells me that I need to move to los angeles when I am ready, I tell her that she's probably right, she tells me that I cannot quit my job in this time of need, and I said that I know. we talk from 10:51, for an hour and 17 minutes, and I tell her that I need to make coffee and eggs. I don't leave bed, and eventually fall back asleep. I wake up around 4pm, way groggy and out of it. lizz didn't text me back, I didn't text andy back, tess and I weren't texting anymore, and beni had texted me around 1:30pm just saying "hey". I look at my snaps, jillian had sent me "the beni thing finally sunk in", and I figure that I sent her a snap at 4am about the phone date. I write "hi" back to beni, and try to figure out why I slept so long. brittany had started work at 4am, I sent her a snap thanking her for staying up so late talking, and he sends me a snap from the break room of trader joe's saying "worth it". it's too late for coffee, I make apple and almond butter and eggs, I promise myself to go outside tomorrow, and remember that I am going to gilman to see pianos. I wonder if the paxil had made me sleep, I wonder if it could be doing anything at all.

Exposed

"we were too raw to go on"

The Last Time I Was Holding My Scoby I Was Crying

the last time I was holding my scoby I was crying, I could not help but worry so deeply about something being dependent on me. 
this thought still scares me tremendously, but today, I did not cry. 

If austin is at home, why am I here?

if alex, and chris and dylan are at home, why am I here?

I go to work yesterday, make a delivery in the city, go home (feel sad about feeling sad, fall asleep), meet lizz at cafe underwood for dinner, she tells me that she feels abandoned, I don't know what to say, she asks me what my plan is, I haven't got an answer. she says she wants to go back home, how am I supposed to do this without her? that isn't fair, though, my mind also full with ideas to go. lizz says she's going to hang out with friends and has to leave, what she means is she is going to have fun, I say okay, which means I am going to cry in the dark in my boss' car for 30-45 minutes unable to move my limbs. I get home and lying in bed, jillian calls, she explains that she doesn't want to live in the city, doesn't even mention oakland, asks what my plan is, I say I do not know. I wake up, go to starbucks, go to work, get a text from jillian saying she's probably moving to chico. part of me wants to tell her that my mom said she'd have new friends and a new life without me there, going to school and happy, zandra said she would want to party, have a good time, and that I would become dull, boring, obsolete. part of me wants to go. jillian says she is going to travel, study abroad after a year or year and a half. whether someone tells you that you can or can't depend on them it does not matter. jillian says that no one knows anyone at all, it's one of the things we truly agree on. I text lizz during the day, wanting her to know I wasn't hiding, even though I also texted her at midnight last night. I want her to feel loved, I'm not good at it anymore. 

I told her specifically that I was going to sabotage this, make it very hard, make it really hard to love me, to love one another. she asks me last night how I think she and I are, I respond, "this may sound annoying, but I feel really good about us." I wasn't lying, I'm hurting, but love her more than ever, we still love each other so much, even though we've changed. because we've changed. I'm sitting on the curb resting my head on my arms, looking at her, I want to tell her not to leave me, but I can't. I don't. I am alone again, probably always was. my world is narrowing, shrinking and folding in on itself. I'd do anything to make her happy, I want to be happy for you.

Abandonment Issues

boy did I miss your totally conditional friendship. how many chances do you think you are deserving of? you should have never said you would call, to a person who knows how many hours are in a day. you pussied out. stop contacting me until you say you are so fucking sorry and will never do that again (again). remember how you cried? you were lying 

Love

       "don't take this the wrong way

       but being with you is like being alone"

Only Six Years

it's 2015

i swear it was 2009 like

six years ago

i'm still looking at your pictures

every song reminds me of you

our love transcended EVERY

expectation, assumption, mistake and tribulation

it was only last year

that i said to you

i very solemnly wished to fix this

in a text message

that you did not respond to

Grown

every time that my phone rings i hope that it is you, it isn't, day four (this begins).
i want your input on decisions in my life, i need to know what is going on with everything, what you have and haven't been doing. i feel really bad, i'll try my hardest not to tell you that. 
i really value your opinion (and thoughts and feelings), furthermore, have grown dependent mentally, and emotionally. i'm really unsure if this is something you would want to hear.

"I AM NOT PROUD OF MY ABILITY TO HAUNT MYSELF"

this is me not writing about you, I know, I couldn't help it.

you may not forgive me, you may be actively not-forgiving me right now. the concept that I do things that intentionally make you unhappy, and your unhappiness re those choices, is one that we both can understand. the reward of this week, the reward of this life is going to be allowing myself to speak with you again. I feel right now as though (for many reasons) I've lost my sense of equilibrium, I am floating in a dark abyss, totally alone (by own doing). talking to you is not just an act that feels good, it is something that is good, it gives me a feeling of home, being understood and cared for. I've been thinking so much about all you do for me, I thought of writing it all down, all the small things that came to mind, just so you would know, I think you know you are a great friend to me, I hope you know. it is difficult to tell you how highly I regard you, hard to relay the depth or sincerity. this means everything to me, and I will not squander, let alone so much as weaken this by making it about a disease that always should have been treated professionally. I know I could go to you, I know I could tell you everything, it's not your job, even with it being so important to me, not only that I can be honest with you, but furthermore, that I so badly want to be. I am sorry for how I've treated you, I'll write it here since you do not wish to hear it. you're such a huge part in me wanting to feel better, for things to be good, and normal. I'm sorry I am not strong enough to allow myself anything in moderation, I had to cut off communication, because I'm all or nothing when I'm like this. I already showed you all, we both know pretty well it is too much. I am trying not to drown you in me, I am trying not to drown. I guess the worst part (selfishly) is that I do not know if it matters to you, if you'd like to be talking to me. today I remembered how I recently had told you I need us to talk every day, you didn't really say anything, but I trusted you still felt as though you wanted that too. I felt ashamed I couldn't keep everything how we wanted it, I still do. I miss you these days, I've been reading our old texts, looking at pictures. I remembered why I made this decision though, I saw what I had said to you and was so humiliated. I promise to try my very hardest not to be like that, we both know how. I've lost too many friends to the heaviness of my being, you're not other people, though, you're not like anyone else.
I owe you for all this, I won't forget

Edit (1:57am):

I LOVE YOU, FROM MY SWOLLEN EYES, TO MY BROKEN BRAIN, TO MY CAUTIONARY HEART

WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS

I say we because I mean us,

together

I am so sorry for isolating you from this

but I had to make these strides without

the fear of manipulating you within it

that sounds worse than it is

but me, I swear I'm worse than I sound

you believe me

you are the person

who takes me the right amount of serious

I'm not sure what I did to deserve this 

(I long to tell you everything,
I need someone who wants to hear it..)


"there's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more
I can't hide no more
got to be true to myself
and it feels like I am just too close to love you"

"to let me dangle at a cruel angle
oh my feet don't touch the floor"

Too Emotional, Even This

This has turned self destructive for me, sometime recently, and for that I must step away, for an undetermined, but definite amount of time. This is not you, something you've done, or some way that you have felt.  I would far rather weaken this with silence, than any level of psychological abuse. This means everything to me, and I can no longer feel sorry for the choices I find right in my heart, with both of us, equally, in mind. 

If we are in too raw a state to fix this together, I will take it upon myself to the best of my ability to preserve the positivity with my own two hands. You inspire me every day to be a better person, same goes for the days in which we do not speak, it was made clear is fine with you anyway. I can only pray that the cloying person who leaves, returns with at very least the tools to process and handle things differently within it. I am not proud of the game I have far too frequently been engaging in; this may be the first thing that I tell you in a long while without the intention of invoking a reaction. The behavior must stop, it will stop.

Pithy

"your bug bites look like hickeys" she said tersely, meaning that another person on the street might misinterpret my anguish for sexual contact, but she knew me better than that. "you get jealous!" I yell in the parked car, in the rushed manner that someone would speak something they had been wanting to say for quite a while, "when?" I reply that I do not know, to save myself from further embarassment. "I feel bad now" comes unsteadily from her mouth, seconds before exited my passenger door, I say "no" with the harrowing hope that the conviction in my voice would immediately void the sentiment I previously instilled. I drive away, while texting with my right hand "I wanted to hang out w you" 

Better To You And For You

At dinner I sit with my hands wrapped around a cup of green tea, mostly for warmth, I watch the leaves sift at the bottom. I speak, "things have been worse than I have been telling you", she says her, also. I feel some type of closeness, as well as a type of sadness. The closeness came from the wanting of telling, the sadness came from what we felt we must tell. On the walk back to the car I casually try to determine if it's been shared, try to understand everything, with the least number of questions asked possible. She drives me to my car, hugs me and I thank her for driving me around, she replies that she's been doing that all day, and it makes me wonder why, she says she loves me and I tell her too. I am walking to my car, parked next to her's, I see her door open, she says she loves me, and I believed her, I can't explain how much that means. 

Nighttime

It's 10:06 and I text Jillian some ambiguous message about people and their places in other people's lives. She responds, here there never where. I could have been asleep by that time, but it's hard to say. Lizz texts me (after I text her) about radical honesty, or rather about her conversation with Holly about radical honesty. I tell her that I'm going to bed to end the conversation, feel like I want to keep talking, so text her again about the value of quitting while you're ahead. I told her also that I was drinking sake, which was a bit too radical, but it was a significant amount, and I'm trying to tell the truth. She possibly internalizes it in some way, but does not mention it. (Once our conversation is over, I start writing to Lizz. It says that I will  not give it to her, it's a list of secrets and compliments, but feel we've been dealing with enough of those.) I remember that I was feeling tired, and can't take melatonin until all the lights are out, so it's dark, and I take one. I send Lizz a yellow heart (meaning friendship), because god forbid I am not the last one to respond. I fall asleep. I wake up what seems to be naturally, indefinitely wide-awake, having no idea the time. I don't want to look at any screens, any light, not even the clock. I guess the time, deciding it felt like somewhere around 5am. I lay there trying not to panic, and trying to fall back asleep. Then, in the silent darkness I hear my phone vibrate against my laptop that it is sitting on. My first instinct was not to check it. I thought odd timing, not just because so early in the morning, but I had awoken moments ago. I chalk it up to coincidence, then out of curiousity, and defeat, I glance at my phone screen. It's 1:20am and I have a picture message, with no text. Every moment I stared at it fucked me over, but I couldn't stop, couldn't put it down. I wonder if I should respond. I always get hit when I'm low, I am always low. I stare at the picture above it, the one that had been sent to me before, no messages in between. Before allowing myself enough time to change my mind I send a heart, a purple one (meaning I love you but you're sad). I take another melatonin, trying not to think about how difficult it has become to get through a night.

Ten Dollar Aesthetic

I love you more than anyone loves anyone

I think, very seriously

sitting in my dark car, alone

when nirvana comes on

like it is on now

it makes me want you here

sitting with me in my dark car 

so that I could turn to you but not really look you in the eyes and tell you that you're like nirvana to me because even when you should make me sad you make me happy even if I'm sad too

in the coffee shop I say

very seriously

that I am concerned, and I don't want to break my ten

I wonder what she thinks of me thinking and saying that

and how it alters or forms my aesthetic in her head

I worry when I take pictures that people are watching me and thinking that I am carefully curating my aesthetic

she responds that she is using her card

which then makes it okay, for me to use my card

we are sitting at a poetry reading and the kid in the beanie is speaking into a microphone about moon phases and then dream interpretation on the internet

when she and I look at each other and lock eyes I want to laugh at all the relevancy

so I do and she does also

I show her my living space and say "so yeah" over and over again

I had a dream that I was upset and I said "it's not so much the condition of living that is hard for me, but the level of impermanence"

I woke up and pondered for a while if that was true

I decided later on that day that it is both the quality of life, and the transitory feeling

at the same poetry reading a different person spoke into the same microphone and said: "We are here today because someone once loved us"

we walk outside and I want to bring attention to how high the skyscrapers are from down here

instead I feel embarrassed

that I don't smoke cigarettes