Choke

I wanna scream and weep like a child

I want to be petty and I want my saliva to be so thick that I choke on it

but do not stop yelling in your face

because you are being a fucking bitch

and I am going to wait it out because that is what friendship is

"stop looking at me with those eyes 

like I could disappear and you wouldn't care why 

now I'm fucked up"

An Angel

She walks with this air about her

part clandestine, part seriousness

her long brown hair flows behind her like

a dress' train

she is clothed in black pants and a sweater 

the elegance comes from somewhere deeper

she's well-read, and knows more words than the author

these sort of things do not seem to bother her

she takes the bus to work and likes it

she talks to her mother every day

her nails are long, and painted a muted color that is subtle

and works harmoniously with all other aspects of herself

she knows who she is

because she spent those hours and those nights thinking, quietly

she likes jewelry and flowers

she likes terminator and gummy worms

this is a person who wouldn't change for anyone

she wears headphones in her apartment

she grinds her coffee and puts it in a french press 

she loves me and for that I am endlessly lucky

Always

you, like me, have things you want to say but can't 

so you say them into someone else's eyes

when you know that I'm listening

because I'm always listening

Hi.

"Push down hard because it hurts.
Then relieve the pressure a little bit.
It's like a dance.
As you watch it fold in on itself.
This is stomach.
This is heart.
What color is it?
This is words because you're not that good with your hands.
This is words because you feel compelled to examine your failures.
Like a stomach.
Like a heart.
Watch it fold in itself.
Relieve the pressure a little bit because it hurts.
It's yourself."
-jg

i'm listening to an artist called elvis depressedly
my arm is popping in and out of its socket
my aesthetic is texting you goodnight when i am sad every night
i made a list of 62 movies to watch in 2015
if i'm going to stay i might as well live
life is weird but you always text me back even after you get off of the phone 

Exposed

"we were too raw to go on"

Love

       "don't take this the wrong way

       but being with you is like being alone"

Grown

every time that my phone rings i hope that it is you, it isn't, day four (this begins).
i want your input on decisions in my life, i need to know what is going on with everything, what you have and haven't been doing. i feel really bad, i'll try my hardest not to tell you that. 
i really value your opinion (and thoughts and feelings), furthermore, have grown dependent mentally, and emotionally. i'm really unsure if this is something you would want to hear.

"I AM NOT PROUD OF MY ABILITY TO HAUNT MYSELF"

Too Emotional, Even This

This has turned self destructive for me, sometime recently, and for that I must step away, for an undetermined, but definite amount of time. This is not you, something you've done, or some way that you have felt.  I would far rather weaken this with silence, than any level of psychological abuse. This means everything to me, and I can no longer feel sorry for the choices I find right in my heart, with both of us, equally, in mind. 

If we are in too raw a state to fix this together, I will take it upon myself to the best of my ability to preserve the positivity with my own two hands. You inspire me every day to be a better person, same goes for the days in which we do not speak, it was made clear is fine with you anyway. I can only pray that the cloying person who leaves, returns with at very least the tools to process and handle things differently within it. I am not proud of the game I have far too frequently been engaging in; this may be the first thing that I tell you in a long while without the intention of invoking a reaction. The behavior must stop, it will stop.

Zenith

there are a lot of things scientists do not understand on a molecular level

there are a lot of things humans don't understand on an astral level

there are a lot of things that I do not understand on a you and I level

the moon is a waning crescent

and some nights we feel like only a sliver of ourselves

things i felt or feel i should have told lizz

when i thought about it extensively, it's not that i am apologizing to you when we get off the phone, i know you don't mind when i talk more than you do, i think that i was apologizing to myself because i felt sorry i couldn't get you to talk more about the things that i wanted to hear about. i felt jealous when you told aly how you felt about school and how it was really going for you, and you told me that it was just okay.

i didn't stop taking sleeping aid to torture myself, it was actually really messing with my head, and i did a lot of research to figure out why that was. i also talked about this concern in therapy, which she deduced was due to a lack of sleep, but i know that it isn't that at all. i can't concentrate, and can't find the words i am looking for (worse than usual), and i can't remember how to spell things, or little things for work. i was taking tylenol pm and cough syrup fairly heavily and together each night just to fall asleep, but on the 5th i swore to myself i would try to make that my last time, because i felt like fucking stupid, and already have a hard enough time articulating myself. when you made that small comment about typos in texts it was super real, and has been happening a lot, and it wasn't just at night when i was drowsy or whatever. since the night of the 5th i have taken cough syrup (small amounts) two nights, while sick, and i have taken twelve ibuprofen (six, two separate occasions). no tylenol pm. i can't really tell if my short term memory is better, but i guess it's supposed to get better, and this wasn't to say i was addicted in any way, because i wasn't, but i was not careful/aware of the consequences or side-effects. ☑

i haven't felt like a friend worth having since austin left. i'm aware this is ridiculous, because i do have good days and am still myself, and moreover, because we were real friends long before we were friends with austin. it's just one of those thoughts i can't shake, and i know i've been having a lot of those, but i base my actions on being someone not worth talking to. yes, i am working on that.

we said forever, and i feel that and meant that, whole-heartedly. it's just i've never loved someone this much without losing them, and there is a part of me somewhere that is really fearful of how it thinks this is going to end.

i've been talking a lot about people talking about me moving home not because i want to (i don't), but because i am not happy here any more. i said i am going to be going home a lot more, and i hope to go every weekend (to get me through this time). ☑

not sure why i've wanted to tell you about this, that night that jillian was here right before new years, the night i did acupuncture. her and i drank a few mimosas, then i drank most of a large bottle of sake. during acupuncture i was really stressed out, and nervous (not about acupuncture), and i couldn't sit still, and being there feel claustrophobic and i felt trapped and awful. this was nothing like my first experience which was so calmly that i nearly fell asleep. bethany had been texting me that day/night, sort of on and off since christmas day (when i talked to you on the phone driving to la then texted you about amends or friendships or something, i had talked with austin and made things better, and replied to something bethany had sent me, which i thought was me ending that). anyway so that lasted like almost a week until we started talking christmas, then after acupuncture and sake, she sends me a song and i like kinda lost it (emotionally?), but jillian was there, and she knows the whole situation, so i made her listen to it on repeat for hours, until i fell asleep, then woke up and texted back, then woke up and barfed. we thought i might have poisoned myself, but whatever happened, i wanted to be honest with you that i was struggling (with demons or whatever), then got legitimately sick for the next four days. i figured i was puking emotions cause i was really sad.

i stopped sending you my writing because you don't like it or don't want to read it. i feel generally alright about that, but often want to ask you why that is (without you having to say it isn't true). ☑

the last day that you and i hung out i had plans with and was supposed to be hanging out with daddy phresh. also we are still talking, and have hung out twice. obviously don't use okc anymore, but a while ago hung out with duylam in oakland (he took bart), i drove him home (nothing happened, just hung out there), then he came to oakland again, so i was going to go to the city cause i had been blowing him off. i didn't tell you that day because i didn't want you to think of me as keeping secrets again, and because i hate when people say things like "i'd rather be hanging out with you".

i wrote a poem about how i hadn't been happy in 58 days, and i believed that, and was counting from the day that you picked me up and we went to target and american apparel. my time with you is so special and important to me and i haven't found a way to relay that like i would want to. ☑

my car got broken into almost two weeks ago. it was on my street and i either forgot to lock it, or my lock remote hasn't been working great. it wasn't a big deal so i didn't tell anyone.

the night my place was way too fucking hot to stay in, and i was texting you and half-passing out, and sitting on the roof to cool off, i wanted to stay at your house but was in such a bad place i couldn't tell you. i don't hate sleeping over at people's place as much as you always say you think that i do, and i sometimes really need/want to stay in your bed but am too embarrassed to tell you. and haven't told you this because you don't think i should be embarrassed about this kind of things anymore. and i am embarrassed that i am.

when you don't respond i try to get better at being okay with it, and sometimes you just forget, but truthfully it will always be soul-crushing because i will fill the silence with the very worst no matter what.

having that random connection with chaise brought up a lot of chris shit for me, because he was an aries, and basically chris. i haven't talked to about what that feel like for me/the significance of it, but have tried to. i just have messed up relationships with guys because of my head/memories. my therapist touched on that in therapy and i told her that i think it's depression. also she agreed with me which was strange.

i feel lost and obsolete without a wingman, i know this should be like the ultimate lesson in independence not having a "person", but i fucking like having a person and want to be one. i don't like being alone like this, i do, but not like this.

i am trying to be a better person to you, and for you, and i strive for happiness largely because i want to be the kind of person i know you deserve. even if i cannot love myself, i want to be there for you consistently, and in a healthy, loving way. because i love you like i love nobody else, and it's been that way for a long time, and will remain that way for a lot longer.


edit 3/10:

the dark epiphany that i had was after i realized that i felt we were like a married couple and everyone else around us was irrelevant to me, but it was easier. i'd never really felt the draw or temptation of shallow, fun interactions before, but this felt simple, it didn't hurt. the epiphany was to disregard all of the people i truly cared about and meant so much to me, to keep them at a distance, while i spent time with random people i feel nothing for. if i talk to a person i am not emotionally invested in, i will not react emotionally. this seemed brilliant, and i did not believe i deserved the good people anyway, which resulted in conversations with stupid people, hanging out with dalton and jeff in the city, and viewing my healthy/strong/real relationships as burdensome and even scary. i knew that i was unable to be destroyed if the person i was sharing with was incapable of destroying me. i did not tell you any of this, even while wanting to, because i thought you would see how hard this is on me, and come to understand as i do that other people are easier.

4 of 15

Just to Hold You Closer

she says that i've been saying a lot of stupid shit
fucked up on sleeping pills late at night
and every other time of day

i long to tell her everything, really everything
or hide away forever

she admits that everyone liked her better when she was 19 
and now people only pretend
i imagine all of our accumulated baggage 
and agree with her

the cough syrup tastes so familiar i want to hug it

if anyone i love is feeling so totally excluded
so completely cut out of the picture
well know that i did cut you out

just to hold you closer

Getting Great At Not Sending Texts

haha at you figuring there was more than one reason why we would remain friends forever. I can think of several, but will refrain from saying them now, in fear that you are convinced I am constantly attempting to compliment you, overcompensating for the guilt I am stricken with due to my behavior. you said that you believe that working on stuff is the most positive thing, which I found interesting. this would possibly mean being stagnant, or content would be the opposite of positive, sometimes i wish that I was attracted to those types of people, but I am not. I am attracted to real and complex and emotional and thoughtful and meaningful/magical people like I find you to be, and this is why I feel I must know it all. after dissecting the fierce sensation of shame/disappointment/scorn over something as trivial as not knowing that you saw a movie that you did, I found out that it was more accurately pertaining to you spending your time in a way that I did not know that you spent it. this results in me dwelling on all of the hours we spend navigating this earth, and time, and how we are not constantly participating in an open dialogue containing each and every thought and feeling about that which we are experiencing separately, or together. conclusively, love is a hopeless lie, communication is ineffectual and pathetic, and every time that I retroactively discover you went to the theaters I will know all is for nothing. no one knows me, and I know no one. while I am wasting yours and my time grappling at means of sharing, here are the reasons we will stay friends forever (yes) you will put up with anyone for as long as they like, BUT this is inspiring to me because I will always endeavor to make it worth it for you, secondly, although we hardly understand each other, we completely get each other's jokes, and I find importance and longevity in that, third I believe there is a power or at very least outside source encouraging our being close, I figured this when I thought about us living on the same street, and how I thought highly of you in high school. I apologize this seems gloomy, but it really isn't, and was produced to make you laugh in that way that I imagine I make you, like you see that I am trying, but are mostly just appreciative that you can't really relate

A Different View

I couldn't sleep

I wasn't sure why

I wanted to write

and I wanted to write to lizz 

I'm in LA and it is the eve of Christmas Eve, I'm curled up on Victoria's couch and there is a candle burning, the one we bought each other for Christmas, and it smells really good. I wanted to tell you that my feelings towards happiness have changed so much for the better through my struggles; I cherish it so much. I think there's a healthy amount of fear in love and gratitude, the concern for it all ending. Today I spent the morning with Victoria, Ryan and Leo, the afternoon with my mom (I saw my uncle Steve and mom's best friend Vicky, too) and spent tonight with Andy. It's been really good for me here, I guess we knew it would be. Every morning Ryan gets up and he says what do you guys want for breakfast? And every night he comes to the living room and asks, what do you guys want to do for dinner? I can't help but think about talking to Dylan on the phone, him telling me that people should not be alone, us in our respective isolation. My mom was right about one thing, you can't live like you do on vacation -- life is work. She asked me about my "healing" with Austin, which irked me in that I am always the one in need of healing. She asked me about you also, I said I've been better at communicating with you, and when she asked if you were staying I told her that I hoped. I don't like speaking of you, with my mom or Andy or anyone, but secretly I do. My problem is not that I need to spend time with people, it's who I should be spending time with. I talked to my mom about school for a while, she told me that I should have a relationship with my father, then she told me that she said that because she didn't mean to "diss him" as she as earlier. Hanging out with Andy again was funny and fun, we get immediately in our same routine, making fun of each other, laughing. I told him I needed to go and he got mad and said good go, I want to go to sleep, he said he'd probably see me tomorrow and I knew that he would. Spending so much time with him tonight, talking made me realize not only how he sees me (a joke of a failure weirdo) but it crystalized the significance of how your loved ones view you. It is so incredibly important to me how I am seen by my family and friends, obviously not in a superficial sense, I just mean how it makes me feel when I get in their head which I am constantly attempting to do. I was glad that I called you (you called me) before I left town because even though I told you that I hate our phone conversations and you believed me, I actually don't, and it leaves me with a strong feeling closeness that really (pacifies) comforts me. The things I remind myself when I think of you are: That you are distracted with your life, the life around you, and that doesn't change or affect our relationship, that you wish to know where I am, and do care about what I am doing, and recently I've reminded myself that although it feels like you love me less, people love other people varying amounts at different times and that is completely okay. You told me on the phone that you don't know what I'm thinking, which made me think that you've thought about it and that you'd care to know and it made me feel better. I truly hope to bring home a lot from this trip. Talking about Oakland validates that I love it there, and I learned so much from Victoria, and Andy. I have an epiphany every day and I think you understand that. Driving to LA (in terrible traffic) I realized that if I feel weird about something I have the power to fix it, I can even do it with one text. I've been learning and practicing regarding my will, my restraint, and trusting myself to say what I want to, or feel I need to. You get the brunt of nearly each and every experiment and for that I am sorry. I made my amends (on multiple accounts) on my drive here, in hopes of starting 2015 with (Jillian and) a clean slate. I was listening to christian talk radio earlier today and the sermon's topic was purpose, he said children are almost always raised these days with the knowledge that life itself is meaningless. He explained that without God's grace everything is for nothing, there could not be a reason for fairness, or anything good. I want to tell you everything that I think and feel and I won't feel overbearing and you won't think that I'm sad or manic or overcompensating, you will just know it was you I wanted to tell. 

Lizz

"

"

Grey

I've dreamt about you the last three nights in a row

I suppose things have gotten that bad

I told you about the first night

where we were looking for something I needed, and I made us give up

I will probably not tell you about last night

how we were with a group but got a moment alone

I grabbed your hand cause I couldn't not

and how you said yes, lets talk

and you didn't want to hurt my feelings

and how I didn't want to hurt your feelings

I told you that I did not want you to have to try that hard

you explained honestly

that you did not mind

I let you finish but then said

that I did

"Hands 
To dream of your hands represent your relationships with those around you and how you connect with the world. Hands serve as a form of communication and can represent authority, hate, protection, justice, etc depending on the gesture. Perhaps you need to lend a helping hand to someone. If someone else is giving you a helping hand, then it implies your need for help. Do not be afraid to ask for assistance or to depend on others from time to time. Moreover, the left hand symbolizes your graciousness and your feminine, receptive qualities, while the right hand symbolizes the masculine and active attributes. The right hand may also be a pun for some decision or something being "right". If you dream that your hands are detached or see disembodied hands, then it indicates that you are not getting your point of view across. You are not being understood or someone is not understanding you. The dream may also symbolize feelings of loneliness.

To dream that you are holding hands with someone represents love, affection and your connection with that person. Your dream may also reflect anxieties about losing touch with her/him or that you are drifting apart."

Pattern Once

"If someone does something once, no matter what it is, it is a pattern repeating itself."

In a Friend

you listen when I'm not even talking to you

answering questions you'd never ask

and I'll love you forever for this

that is what I look for in a friend 

What Could I Do For You

I thought that it was such an interesting choice of word, respect. It's true, I've just never seen it like that before. How do you try your hardest not to overbear a person, while simultaneously not offending them by making them seem easily overwhelmed? How do you play it cool but not coy, or distant? The lines got so fine and my insanity blurs everything so much that I could not decipher what I was looking at, I was unable to act at all. I just cannot help thinking how you had an out, and not just that people usually take them, but that you had the right to. From this point of view your life seems put together, in a good place, it seems really full and it is. I'm a bleeding wound, no goals but to suck you dry for the sake of depth, and it's self-seeking, and it's tiresome. I mull over and over all the reasons to keep me around, I tell myself it isn't the guilt of leaving. You told me that life has ups and downs (and this is something that I have a hard time facing). You said I wasn't really around when things got real bad for you, which made me feel like I'm (purposefully) around for the good times. Then we played back some memories, different but not disimilar. I tell myself that you know I'd lay there listening to you breathe, I'd pick up the phone any time of day or night. Why do we worry? Is this the basis of the problem? What (really) makes a person worry? I think you keep me around for the longevity of this (the history). You told me that you didn't believe I wanted to be sad, you said with such conviction I still wanted to be happy, too, it made me feel so much better but I would never tell you that. I cannot wrap my mind around you wanting a two and a half hour phone conversation of whines and whimpers, than no call at all. You said if we had these conversations more frequently (with me fighting and crying) it wouldn't be such a big deal, it made me not understand what you want. It was abundantly clear that I wanted to make a mess, want nothing more. I wrack my brain, why why why? Maybe I don't have to know, and maybe we can both worry, and both pacify that worry. I cannot fathom a world in which you benefit from having me in yours, and I am sorry that I don't believe you, and all I have ever learned is that love is not enough. Maybe we will prove that wrong. You held my hand in the back of the car for no reason at all and it made me feel not so fucking bad.