I was never a writer
I was only in love with you

  You wanted a clean slate, I wanted a clean break
  We never spoke again after that
  Sounds good right
  We spared the tears
  It's been eight years
  I still dream of you

Am I

i was born to be in this with you. it's so cyclical. we taunt until the other bites, we disregard until the other snaps. i used to think we were made for each. you were my other half, my soulmate. now you're a gaping whole in the puzzle, a square cut out of a quilt left to ruin. i wish you happy birthday, i selectively wish you happy birthday, i make the decision and stop wishing you happy birthday. you break my heart when it is just about mended again. i rope you back when you've finally gotten far enough. isn't it all just a game. was i just a sore loser?


night falls on your face and and i am raw like a wound. you're drifting and i am wide awake. i look out the window to my right, i listen for noises in or out of the house. sometimes you mother sleeps in the room behind us, sometimes she doesn't. i touch you just enough that i can get away with. i never knew if you felt anything about it at all.

 we've been here before
 which is to say we will be here again

The Kitchen's a Mess

my bed
still damp from the alcoholic sweats,
a fever that has us up until 2, and you getting out of bed exactly twelve hours after I did

I won't look back upon these years and laugh because I never did before
I know what is funny

my fingers, the joints tender and sore
the nervous cracking

Stale Green Lights

i get low key upset that he is in a patch of wildflowers on a mountain trail with his dainty girlfriend
(in our depression fueled laziness) you and i only leave the bed for work or a good meal
then i realize that i would rather sleep next to you any time of day than hike a fucking mountain

my plants live off of peach pear la croix dregs and i'm convinced they flourish because of or in spite of it
i am broke, but not broke enough to drink still water

my roommate is so quiet i am convinced she believes rent is only due if you make enough noise

of all the things lost on you, i think everything good about myself is what i miss the most

i had a dream last night that i fell asleep, and had a dream that you were in

and we gently waved at each other from a distance
when i woke up (in my dream) i got dressed in a foreign room and went to find you
to ask you if you were asleep exactly two hours ago, 7:22am, and if we had waved at least each other in your dream, too

my life lately resembles the spongebob episode where mr krabs gets coral squeaky boots for her birthday

no disrespect meant to ru paul, but you CAN truly love someone without being even close to loving yourself, and I have proof

remember, god is as real as anything else

taylor swift voted for donald trump 2016

does my cat dream in english
does my cat dream in english

I love spending time with you on weekends
and the weekdays too but differently

someday I will give him the sweater I got him that I wear to bed
then he can wear it out in public instead

Nothing and Everything Left

The year is 2017. Donald Trump is the United States president. I live on Martin Luther King Jr Way. Connor is my roommate, and I am sick of and jaded by his lack of independence. Bree is my other roommate and seems to get home after 6pm every day, microwave her popcorn, and watch shows wig her foot shut, she leaves for work before I get out of bed. She has a boyfriend or something, who I haven't really seen or spoken to. Connor is dating Christine, she's smart and informed, she's pretty, and talks with a unique drawl I am drawn to. Gaspar is doing well, he got fleas and Jae and I gave him a shower. I am no longer naive enough to believe we are not together. I have lost track of the number of months that he has been living here in my room. I don't mind, and barely attempt to keep a semblance of my privacy. It is unlike any relationship of any kind that I have had before. There is a distance and closeness that sway and balance beautifully. My friends are all doing well, Austin isn't really but I have faith that he will. I talk to Lizz every day and things seem to be as good as they could be. I go back home less. I see Alex when I do, I try to see Catherine. Leif has a girlfriend now, and I feel far from him. The tiny bond broken. I live in a much less romantic minestate constantly, now being in a relationship. Addison follows me on twitter, I made out with Blaine and haven't been thinking about it much since. Life can change so fast, and so slow. I like to think I shower more, I have a healthier detachment from food, I sleep a little more comfortable and sound. I didn't expect to meet someone so harsh and cruel, angry, at the world but not at me. He is so soft, a child like innocence in his voice and in his eyes. He doesn't scare me, but I feel powerless against his deep seated self loathing and torment. He seems fond of my innocence, the kindness I bring out in him, the selflessness. We flourish in knowing this is helping. He does my dishes, with the hands of my grandfather. I stare at the shape of his lips, the softness. He is calm, until he is not. My days are even shorter now. I struggle to clean, read, write, call people. Predictably a constant faint letdown feeling. The knowledge I am weaker alone I fear, but more of myself. He doesn't mind what I hate about myself, just like I with him. But he still hits his face hard, and I still fucking hate myself. How will this end? Don't we all wonder? Taking control is never having to guess, wait, or be fooled. I let the flow carry me like water. I let time get the best of me. I ran out of money so long ago. I tread in the water I convince others I float in. The only privacy, the only self that we have left is our thoughts, our deepest feelings kept save in our head. But computers will take those soon, too, and we will know the reality of having nothing.

low selfesteemy

  i thought i would die from the wetness behind my ears
  i am never alone anymore
  undereducated
  low self esteem 
  it's been so many years
  i've never answered a question without a stutter
  i've never met a mistake i didn't like
  and i'm twenty five
  and i still love to lie


      "i spent six year following your trail"

how do people sleep? I've forgotten how to.
I slept three nights last night and dreamt I was wooing you, each night.

what's worse?


I enjoy our time together however I can get it these days. This saddens me, but what doesn't.

Finally

when I finally die for real

it will be for old times sake

DO NOT DOUBT IT

LOVE IS ENOUGH

I'm on a plane

on the plane I debated with myself, on a surface level, whether I should begin an adderal addiction, or a xanax dependency. I couldn't take up both (at least not at the same time) for various reasons, let alone the costs and difficulty to obtain, so would have to choose. the adderal would help with work, art and general, menial productivity, while the xanax is better suited for my personality and lifestyle, I see it deterring me from energetically excelling at work, art and general menial productivity. I thought about who to purchase these from; kaiser would be most cost effective but least reckless feeling, and a lack of control seemed attractive (especially in serious attempts to get my life in order). what is turbulence, is it clouds? why was this landing so bumpy? clouds don't even live this low. I guess sometimes things live lower than they were intended, or they, themselves intended. I want to feel so low I can call you from rock bottom and just the echo itself will shake you permanently. 

Doors

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, a feral cat, and an autistic narcissist
living with myself remains to be the worst part

Far Bruised

I take my paxil, and plan b shortly after.
depression and sex, not worth their side effects, but nonetheless, two things that I've been told on numerous occasions are part of life.

he doesn't like when I touch his hair, but I do it anyway.
he says he hates the asymmetry of his face.
he smells like smoke and I smell like toothpaste.
we do not taste the same.
until we do.
we kiss for hours, and when I fall asleep all I can do is hope he does too.
he cries at the movie on saturday, I cry at the movie on sunday.
he tells me that he likes my outsides, and my insides, but not in a gross way.
he has had two honda civics in a row and so have I.

when we wake up he tells me he had dreams of working, sometimes I also have dreams about him working.

the beginning and the end spiral into one and this is every relationship we ever had and did not have.

there are blood bruises on my neck.

but we were far bruised before this.

It's Fine

i love you so much i bite my tongue till it bleeds, i love you so much i clench my stomach till it heaves. i love you so much i reach for you nightly in my sleep, i love you so. i love you so much it drives me insane, i love you so much i can no longer speak your name. i miss your teeth, i miss your veins, i miss whimper, i miss your whisper, you are as hot as summer, as cold as the right side of my bed. i love you so much i look for you in the street, or when my phone buzzes, i look for you in me, and my future-husbands. i love you so much i nearly burst at the seams, i love you so much i forgot what anything else means, i love you so much it makes me clean, i love you so much i cry and i scream, i laugh and i beam, i miss your dark freckles and your light hair, i love you so much that no one else compares, i love you so much this could never end, i love you so, my best friend.

Rejection

 what is anything?

 my body rejects me
 and i sit and wait for the outcome

 i ask her if her car has any sentimental value
 she says no and i try to believe her

Hi

is this toxic?

do I make you feel guilty for what you've become? Like no one else could?

is this immortal?
do I dare waste my precious time?

is this safe?

are you there for me like you were when we were fifteen?

you taught me how you used my chapstick as a fist pack

but ended up hurting me the very very most 

It's So Trying

what we have in common

is lately, we cannot get a grip

we've been thinkin

a little too hard 

about opening our wrists

but instead we are here together

throwing strangers tips as we watch them strip

some nights we are on the floor in the bathroom alone

sometimes we are up inside neon lights  screaming our lungs out as we drink patrone

the sorrow is blinding

the tragedy, binding

strategically crying

and haphazardly lying

it's so trying

but I wish I could see you

I wanna be in your bedroom

I wanna be in your bedroom

all blankets and drapes and candles and trees

the soft light would clean us

but we are pure already

because we are with each other

this is quieter than silence

this is how the world was meant to be

the soft light would clean us

but we are already pure

because I am with you

I wanna be in your bed

Cope

I let my phone die

to grasp with loss

I wanted to turn off life

but it turned on me instead

I wanted to turn you on

but you turned your cheek

I'm sleeping with my door wide open

in hopes someone will snatch me

and take me someplace worse

so I can finally be grateful