"what kind of love am I in?"

It's Fine

i love you so much i bite my tongue till it bleeds, i love you so much i clench my stomach till it heaves. i love you so much i reach for you nightly in my sleep, i love you so. i love you so much it drives me insane, i love you so much i can no longer speak your name. i miss your teeth, i miss your veins, i miss whimper, i miss your whisper, you are as hot as summer, as cold as the right side of my bed. i love you so much i look for you in the street, or when my phone buzzes, i look for you in me, and my future-husbands. i love you so much i nearly burst at the seams, i love you so much i forgot what anything else means, i love you so much it makes me clean, i love you so much i cry and i scream, i laugh and i beam, i miss your dark freckles and your light hair, i love you so much that no one else compares, i love you so much this could never end, i love you so, my best friend.

It Was More Than I Could Bear

"I tried to love you and I failed

but I have another plan..."

Unpretty Pushover Petty Piece of Shit

you may love the tattoos on his chest
you love his stance, how he stands with his legs spread far
you love the objectified reflection of your perfect body in his shallow blue eyes

but you don't love him

Kissing You at Breakfast

I don't know if everything is coming together or falling apart. I spend a lot of time trying to figure this all out, but some things you cannot think your way out of. 

Am I romanticizing you in your underwear yelling at me in the street? That you don't know how to show your love for me to me. Am I sentimentalizing you picking me up and kissing me on the mouth? Saying you'll drive three hours to stay the night, wake up at seven for breakfast.

I am deglamorizing you touching my face? Saying it is impossible to overstep with you. You wanted to be with me in your kitchen, and everything that I said about myself, made you learn something about you.
You said you'd fuck me
if I had a little more time.

Striking Example

   “Love is a striking example of how little reality means to us.”

Half

“Angry, and half in love with you,
and tremendously sorry, 
I turned away.”

Worthiness of It

“I choose patience under pressure.

I choose to stay present, to unlearn how to unlove,

to love, and to practice my worthiness of it.”

Unflinch

 just trying to find that one
who will love and listen to me

 unflinchingly 

The Beautiful Truth

she said that she loves me
and i got a song in my head

she said that she loves me
still

Languages

ways in which I give:

1. words of affirmation 

2. acts of service

3. giving gifts

4. quality time

5. physical touch 

ways in which I receive:

1. words of affirmation 

2. quality time

3. acts of service 

4. physical touch 

5. getting gifts

ways I guess you give:

1. quality time

2. acts of service 

3. physical touch

4. words of affirmation 

5. gifts

ways I guess you receive:

1. quality time

2. words of affirmation

3. physical touch 

4. acts of service 

4. receiving gifts  

I'll Let You Be My Belief If I Can Be Your Doubt

"And though I’ve been so alone,

  my faith in love is still devout!"

Words I Somehow Refrain From Telling You Late Last Night

I don't believe in anything anymore,
and I think it is going to be too difficult for my friends to love me because of it.

Like You Do

There are two types of love
there is a light, fluffy, transparent cloud, warm and safe and sparkling and clean, and beautiful
there is a second kind of love
it's a heavy blanket, black, hot, dark, it's convoluting, and a tiresome burden
these loves are different but of equal intensity
I want you to know that your love is fresh air, clear and innocent and true and wonderful
you should know my love is what that suffocating and confusing feeling is
this is all learned, but it's no excuse
I've loved a dark love before
tricked her into thinking I was light
everything was a game that I had to decode for months until I could finally feel it
two shadowy loves get lost in each other
I wandered aimless for years just looking for you
you felt foolish and stupid for my misrepresentation
you thought I was good
you mistook me for beautiful
you taught me love though
and these good, good people
they do not get the games

Everything Has a Beginning And an End

"I don't want anyone to make me softer

I don't want to make anyone softer

love is hard"

"and if I broke your heart last night

it's because I love you most of all"

“We assume others show love the same way we do — and if they don’t, we worry it’s not there.”

“Understanding that people are always a worse version of who they want to be is a way of loving them.”

Never Say Never or Forever

I wonder what if we never, ever live together again

what was this? what is it now?

I walk in the front door to him saying "look what I got". It's an enormous black container to move away from me in. I respond, "chill". He is someone that the less he talks the more comfortable he is, he's really chatty, he asks how work was.  I try to recall the last time that he asked me that and couldn't, I always want him to, try to get him to, he never did, he does now. He asks if I can sort which VHS tapes are mine and which are his. I act really normal which of course makes everything far more bizarre. I ask if I can throw away the lemon salad dressing. I saw he did all of the dishes. He says he has so many pint glasses he's never used, I offer to get him boxes. I wonder if this is the closest to a breakup I will ever get.

We talk and talk and can't say anything. 

Dear Lizz,
The reason that I told you I had so much I wanted to tell you was because I spent all day writing you the perfect letter in my head. I've always been the sort of person who has believed that saying the right words would actually fix everything. What love notes and confessions have ever really brought me was embarrassment, and has left me wondering who I am doing it all for in the first place. As of course you know, I just have such a difficult time conveying what I am thinking and feeling. I don't know if it's always been this way, but when I am in a good/honest/loving friendship it inevitably stirs up this consistent incapability. I guess that's why it hurts me, because I can be shitty to shitty people, but it's important to me to really try to be the best, with people like you. I was initially feeling confused when you were feeling shut out by me, all I could think about was how I had let you in, told you everything, I thought I admitted things I thought I never would. I remember thinking that you can't tell a person everything that has ever happened (long-passed, or recent), and it wouldn't be fair for anyone to ask that of me, and I could just die in my black hole of "privacy". I've been attempting to be more conscious lately of putting myself down, since you said something, before you did I just thought it would be what people WANTED to hear, because it didn't leave them wondering if I was or was not aware of my actions ie. mistakes ie. shortcomings. I swear I think about every little thing for so long and in every which way, I could explain any side of the story extensively, and passionately. After Jillian and I had a long and telling phone-talk, I finally was level-headed, and could see clearly, I wish everybody had someone so imperative to their being as she is to me. Since that night I have been desperate to tell you what I've been thinking about, which of course has been hard for me to do, because it's about you. I have enjoyed every moment with you, even with it eating at me more than slightly in the background. We would be walking together, or you would be sitting there looking off, and I would look at you really hard, and try to imagine what you were feeling like, which made me think about me, which made me think you must be thinking I was not fully there. I guess I want you to know that I am fully here now, and I am working on myself in big ways I think. I am slowly going to chip away at the iceberg that is everything that makes me hate myself, and it is the only way. It was not just the fear of really losing you that made it so I needed to come back (though partially), it wasn't that I was thinking how we could just go on, putting in 70 percent, and you meeting me there cause you can't trust to put in any more (but prominent), it was only because I wanted to and needed to. My note in my head today said that I know I need you now, not in a fleeting or momentary way at all (sometimes that too), I mean in a way that I mean with very, very few people, where I feel the absence. There is a space now, reserved or whatever, and it's scary to think, and of course humiliating to admit, but you are essential, and it took all of this (time) to see it for what it was. I want to hear about everything, and anything, and it's worth telling you everything, and not for the tradeoff, but because I want to and it helps me and it makes me happy sharing with you. I know I'm messed up, and I don't say this in a degrading, or even dismissive way, I say it because I'm aware it has to be hard cause I am weird about most things, and it affects much more than just my mood. I hate that I write to people, I hate that I feel emotions in such an enormous and all-encompassing way, but I just hope you know all the things I put you through are because I love you so much. I would not do it otherwise.. I hope that you never feel pushed away, and that we never sweep things under the rug, it feels so awful to me, even just the thought of it. I felt such an incredible, indescribable distance, and at my worst I was content just floating out there. I know some day I will want to torture myself, relish in the misery, but most days I want to be good, I want to be happy, and I want to love and make those people happy if I am able. I have been working on apologizing less, as I told you, but with that said I'm sorry, for believing you would feel wanted/cared for when I am trying to disappear. You've been so great to me, and I've been so fucking appreciate, and I don't even think I've told you. You even asked me tonight what I was wanting to tell you, I got embarrassed and couldn't, and I don't know what to say about that. You didn't stop calling, or telling me the truth. I can't stop hinting things, or telling half stories, dropping bombs and not following up, being melodramatic, sensitive, but I am going to work on nipping those things in the bud. I've never not wanted to feel close to you, I just thought I could save you from myself, but that night I emailed you, I realized not even I can do that, and you'll just have to when you have to. I didn't believe I would be more grateful now for this friendship than before, I just want us to make time for proper communication, and you do, and sure you will. This is everything I wanted to tell you earlier; that I don't know what I am doing, how to be, or what to do, but this feels solid, and positive to me, and is helping me get through (everything else that has been going on in my head). I am going to help you help me. It's all cumbersome, and I am painfully aware of that, but it feels like we are in this together, I know that we are.