I finally felt I had the world at my fingertips
  but that that same world was crumbling

If you love something

starve it of attention and hope that it cares

    you make me want to start writing again
   almost

I wore my heart on my sleeve
but I gave you that sweatshirt of mine
in a box, when you left me

you cried and I did too

but I forgive you
you’ll just never forgive yourself

he said I can’t even pretend I’m not going to do every little thing you ask of me

we ignore the big things

he is the elephant in the room

I am alien now

never quite at home
look at my fingers

this isn't a cry for help
I would have cried already
and already
and already

did you delete my number
do you ever seek photos of my face

I am an alien now
without you

I am an alien
I am frightened

do you remember
when this was requited

Mental Ill

mental illness runs rampant
like a sort of forest fire

at a certain point you no longer attempt to contain
but instead predict outcomes and work with devastation

you mourn destruction a little less
and completely stop wondering what if

freedom isn’t an uphill battle
it is an imaginary light at the end of a very real tunnel we’ve been running towards for so many years

all the band-aids, re-uptake inhibitors, intervenes calms
all the staggered breathing, lies and no phones home

no one's safe, really
false idols and broken father figurines
your mother has run out of tears and sleeping pills
and no one really works
but so many meetings

choose your vice then can’t think, twice
incapable of choosing to end anything
even your life

avoid mirrors and seek psychics
read your palm before the news

the world is sick but the people are sicker
around and around the sun

so predictable, and cyclical

you can’t see clearly, and he can’t see clearly
and she can’t see clearly

me n you, we learned 12 steps before we learned to walk

these tired trouble hands seem as intrepid as twisted
something dark comes knocking

your ears are ringing

sometimes you can’t help but answer the phone

I was never a writer
I was only in love with you

The shadow cast

you have to remember the shadow cast is mainly on him

  You wanted a clean slate, I wanted a clean break
  We never spoke again after that
  Sounds good right
  We spared the tears
  It's been eight years
  I still dream of you

I had a dream we reached and held hands but our fingers didn't fit

Am I

i was born to be in this with you. it's so cyclical. we taunt until the other bites, we disregard until the other snaps. i used to think we were made for each. you were my other half, my soulmate. now you're a gaping whole in the puzzle, a square cut out of a quilt left to ruin. i wish you happy birthday, i selectively wish you happy birthday, i make the decision and stop wishing you happy birthday. you break my heart when it is just about mended again. i rope you back when you've finally gotten far enough. isn't it all just a game. was i just a sore loser?


night falls on your face and and i am raw like a wound. you're drifting and i am wide awake. i look out the window to my right, i listen for noises in or out of the house. sometimes you mother sleeps in the room behind us, sometimes she doesn't. i touch you just enough that i can get away with. i never knew if you felt anything about it at all.

twenty seven notes to younger self

1. your mom wasn't right about most things, but she was right about going to the dentist and oil changes
2. where you live gender will be thought of as fluid, just like you always dreamed
3. you only go as far as you try to go
4. if you're worried about a friendship then work on it
5. therapy is chill
6. health insurance is awesome
7. save some money for the hard times
8. you're body is gonna be your body so try to accept it as soon as you can
9. stay in school
10. divorce is mostly good
11. don't play it cool -- if you like someone it's okay for them to know (and actually way better)
12. shave your head, get tattoos, nothing matters
13. things can be on your terms, try your hardest not to be a doormat
14. the psychic was right
15. call your family
16. fuck your boss for being such an asshole (all of them)
17. the social anxiety WILL GET BETTER will practice
18. drinking isn't cool, you were right
19. wear that retainer it seriously isn't that bad and they aren't cheap or easy to come by!
20. swim in the river, swim in lakes, swim in a pool, go swimming any chance you get
21. you aren't that bad
22. golden rule always
23. take a language, think of your future practically
24. don't worry, you will get to wear everything you wanted ie. a blazer, glitter, knee high socks, mascara, a cool hat, a cool beanie, a nice dress, eyeliner, overalls, a sweatband, a tank top with your bra showing, short-shorts, any shirt you want, nothing at all, and feel okay about it
25. your writing will be published, just not in the fashion you expected
26. that deep feeling of not fitting in will be replaced with a deep connection with others who deeply did not fit in
27. tell everyone you love that you love them and you mean it

 we've been here before
 which is to say we will be here again

Image I Create

"when I need to wipe my face I use the back of my hand.
and I like to take up space just because I can.
and I use my dress to wipe up my drink.
and you know I care less & less what people think.
and you are so lame. You know you always disappoint me.
it's kinda like our running joke & it's really not funny.
I just want you to live up to the image of you I create.
I see you & I'm so unsatisfied."

Jae is in new york. I'm in bed. my pillow mostly covers the blood. there's fight in his blood, and blood from his fight.
he's so soft, so tender. in each and every way.

financial ruin seems to be going well

Man

if I had a Man's entitlement I would be happy.
then again I would not be cognizant of this whatsoever and would in actuality be sad.

Energy

  turns out energy and happiness are the same thing

Straightforward

"Most obstacles exist in the mind more than reality. If you encounter a block while on your way to work, you go around, find a detour, remain in action. Why then are there other blocks that seem impossible to surmount? Not much can stand in your way if you keep moving. Don’t lament about what you can’t do or complain about what you need to do – just do it. If you could just accept that a situation or relationship is challenging, you might find another alternative to dealing with it. By no means is this easy, it’s not supposed to be, but it is straightforward. Focus on what you want to create in the world, apply all of yourself and don’t be too proud to adjust along the way. Something you’ve been diligently pursuing needs some loosening up. Either physically or energetically. Walk away, take a break, do something different. Let go of your agitation and disappointment – hit the reset button – and focus on what brings you joy. A health or financial matter reaches its critical mass, time to get down to business."