Am I

i was born to be in this with you. it's so cyclical. we taunt until the other bites, we disregard until the other snaps. i used to think we were made for each. you were my other half, my soulmate. now you're a gaping whole in the puzzle, a square cut out of a quilt left to ruin. i wish you happy birthday, i selectively wish you happy birthday, i make the decision and stop wishing you happy birthday. you break my heart when it is just about mended again. i rope you back when you've finally gotten far enough. isn't it all just a game. was i just a sore loser?


night falls on your face and and i am raw like a wound. you're drifting and i am wide awake. i look out the window to my right, i listen for noises in or out of the house. sometimes you mother sleeps in the room behind us, sometimes she doesn't. i touch you just enough that i can get away with. i never knew if you felt anything about it at all.

twenty seven notes to younger self

1. your mom wasn't right about most things, but she was right about going to the dentist and oil changes
2. where you live gender will be thought of as fluid, just like you always dreamed
3. you only go as far as you try to go
4. if you're worried about a friendship then work on it
5. therapy is chill
6. health insurance is awesome
7. save some money for the hard times
8. you're body is gonna be your body so try to accept it as soon as you can
9. stay in school
10. divorce is mostly good
11. don't play it cool -- if you like someone it's okay for them to know (and actually way better)
12. shave your head, get tattoos, nothing matters
13. things can be on your terms, try your hardest not to be a doormat
14. the psychic was right
15. call your family
16. fuck your boss for being such an asshole (all of them)
17. the social anxiety WILL GET BETTER will practice
18. drinking isn't cool, you were right
19. wear that retainer it seriously isn't that bad and they aren't cheap or easy to come by!
20. swim in the river, swim in lakes, swim in a pool, go swimming any chance you get
21. you aren't that bad
22. golden rule always
23. take a language, think of your future practically
24. don't worry, you will get to wear everything you wanted ie. a blazer, glitter, knee high socks, mascara, a cool hat, a cool beanie, a nice dress, eyeliner, overalls, a sweatband, a tank top with your bra showing, short-shorts, any shirt you want, nothing at all, and feel okay about it
25. your writing will be published, just not in the fashion you expected
26. that deep feeling of not fitting in will be replaced with a deep connection with others who deeply did not fit in
27. tell everyone you love that you love them and you mean it

Stale Green Lights

i get low key upset that he is in a patch of wildflowers on a mountain trail with his dainty girlfriend
(in our depression fueled laziness) you and i only leave the bed for work or a good meal
then i realize that i would rather sleep next to you any time of day than hike a fucking mountain

my plants live off of peach pear la croix dregs and i'm convinced they flourish because of or in spite of it
i am broke, but not broke enough to drink still water

my roommate is so quiet i am convinced she believes rent is only due if you make enough noise

of all the things lost on you, i think everything good about myself is what i miss the most

i had a dream last night that i fell asleep, and had a dream that you were in

and we gently waved at each other from a distance
when i woke up (in my dream) i got dressed in a foreign room and went to find you
to ask you if you were asleep exactly two hours ago, 7:22am, and if we had waved at least each other in your dream, too

my life lately resembles the spongebob episode where mr krabs gets coral squeaky boots for her birthday

no disrespect meant to ru paul, but you CAN truly love someone without being even close to loving yourself, and I have proof

remember, god is as real as anything else

taylor swift voted for donald trump 2016

Poem First Draft

do you think plants are more fun if they live off of the dregs of peach pear la croix?

because I am poor, but not poor enough to drink still water

do you think my cat likes me? or really likes me?

because we sleep together but he never, ever comes when I call

50 cent's get rich or die tryin reminds me of my childhood, and I deeply resonated with each lyrics, even as a 13 year old middle class white kid

i work too damn hard to be this dependent on my change jar,

and have the audacity to complain about this even whilst i gentrify

people named shelby are objectively personality-less

god is as real as anything else

taylor swift voted for trump

Doors

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, a feral cat, and an autistic narcissist
living with myself remains to be the worst part

Sitting in the Shower

I compulsively tap the top of any can three times before opening

I took a book from my shelf to send you a picture of a page about relationships, or power struggles, or whatever would upset you more

my roommate came in my room with a tennis racket, told me I looked very pale, then walked out with the book

I hate knowing that all things that I do will end, like making my bed, or kissing you

you can buy literally anything on the internet

you stood in front of me so I smiled very anxious and uncomfortably, your face did not change

you sat me down and asked me not to hurt you

but sometimes only existing does just that

But I Know

""

Living Wage

"asked Santa for a lobotomy
asked Santa for a living wage
asked Santa for an abortion
asked Santa for a lethal injection
asked Santa for a better immune system
asked Santa for even the slightest sense of personal fulfillment
asked Santa for a more manageable sex drive
asked Santa to ‘stop touching mom like that’
asked Santa for a therapist that takes appointments on weekends
asked Santa for a thigh gap
asked Santa for a system in which social influence wasn’t relative to material wealth
asked Santa for help advocating against greenhouse gas emissions seeing how his workshop in the North Pole will be under water very very soon
asked Santa if i could ‘get a witness’
asked Santa if i could speak to his supervisor
asked Santa to 'send noodz’
asked Santa for more wishes
asked Santa for a relationship that doesn’t end with me hating myself
asked Santa for a gender identity that can be explained easily
asked Santa for a ROBOT BODY
asked Santa for a plague upon thine enemies
asked Santa for 'friends’ and then cried into his beard
asked Santa for a porno flick that appropriately depicts sex as the act of two souls becoming briefly unified by pure spiritual energy
asked Santa for Larry the Cable Guy’s head on a stake
asked Santa for a brief respite from the suffocating passage of time
got you instead"

Smut

kiss my mouth at brunch
because you aren't embarrassed by who you don't know I am
tell me that you like that
tell me where to touch you
don't ask
I grab your ass
you suck my tits
you say you like them
they aren't too much to deal with
I am not yet too much to deal with
with my fingers I move our hair from between our lips
I'm on your stranger's bed
and I'm inside your foreign hips
I do not think of anyone else
not even myself
no one taught us how to go slow
so we forgot
I cover my eyes
I bite my tongue
before things get overwrought
I have always been better at eating away at love
than making it
I overthought

It Was You Who Left The City

You used to call me on my, you used to, you used to i used to call you on my cell phone, i used to, i used to

You used to call me on my cell phone  i used to call you on my cell phone
Late night when you need my love  late night when i need your attention
Call me on my cell phone call you on your cellphone
Late night when you need my love late night when i need your attention
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing

Ever since I left the city you ever since you left the city you
Got a reputation for yourself now heard what i've been up to now
Everybody knows and I feel left out putting words in my mouth cause you feeling left out
Girl you got me down, you got me stressed out i don't mind i got you dyin, that i got you stressed out
Cause ever since I left the city, you because ever since you left the city, i 
Started wearing less and goin' out more started dressing up and going out more
Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor drinking champagne without papi on the dance floor
Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before hangin with my new girls you haven't met before

You used to call me on my, you used to, you used to i used to call you on my cell phone

You used to call me on my cell phone  i used to call you on my cell phone
Late night when you need my love  late night when i need your attention
Call me on my cell phone call you on your cellphone
Late night when you need my love late night when i need your attention
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing

Ever since I left the city, you, you, you ever since you left the city you you you
You and me we just don't get along told yourself we couldn't get along
You make me feel like I did you wrong so convinced i'm heartbroken cause you did me wrong
Going to places you don't belong stop telling women where they don't belong
Ever since I left the city, you especially since you left the city, you
You got exactly what you asked for you got exactly what you asked for 
Running out of pages on your passport running out of space for notches on your headboard
Hanging with some girls I've never seen before heartbroken i'm with my girls you haven't met before

You used to call me on my, you used to, you used to i used to call you on my cell phone

You used to call me on my cell phone  i used to call you on my cell phone
Late night when you need my love  late night when i need your attention
Call me on my cell phone call you on your cellphone
Late night when you need my love late night when i need your attention
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing

These days, all I do is these days all i do is 
Wonder if you bendin' over backwards for someone else make sure im doing things for myself
Wonder if your rollin' backwoods for someone else getting myself off without your help
Doing things I taught you gettin' nasty for someone else not getting called nasty, by someone else
You don't need no one else  you don't know how i felt

You don't need nobody else, no you don't know how i felt, no
Why you never alone you never knew how i felt
Why you always touching road you don't know how i felt
Used to always stay at home, be a good girl why you care i'm touchin road
You was in the zone i'm still in the zone
You should just be yourself right now i'm really in the zone
Right now, you're someone else you should move onto someone else, move onto someone else

cause it was you who left the city

i used to call you on my cell phone

i used to call you on my cell phone
late night when i need your attention
call you on your cellphone
late night when i need your attention
i know when that voicemail ring
that can only mean one thing
i know when that voicemail ring
that can only mean one thing

ever since you left the city you
heard what i've been up to now
Everybody knows and I feel left out putting words in my mouth cause you feeling left out
Girl you got me down, you got me stressed out i don't mind i got you dyin, that i got you stressed out
Cause ever since I left the city, you because ever since you left the city, i 
Started wearing less and goin' out more started dressing up and going out more
Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor drinking champagne without papi on the dance floor
Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before hangin with my new girls you haven't met before

You used to call me on my, you used to, you used to i used to call you on my cell phone

You used to call me on my cell phone  i used to call you on my cell phone
Late night when you need my love  late night when i need your attention
Call me on my cell phone call you on your cellphone
Late night when you need my love late night when i need your attention
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing

Ever since I left the city, you, you, you ever since you left the city you you you
You and me we just don't get along told yourself we couldn't get along
You make me feel like I did you wrong so convinced i'm heartbroken cause you did me wrong
Going to places you don't belong stop telling women where they don't belong
Ever since I left the city, you especially since you left the city, you
You got exactly what you asked for you got exactly what you asked for 
Running out of pages on your passport running out of space for notches on your headboard
Hanging with some girls I've never seen before heartbroken i'm with my girls you haven't met before

You used to call me on my, you used to, you used to i used to call you on my cell phone

You used to call me on my cell phone  i used to call you on my cell phone
Late night when you need my love  late night when i need your attention
Call me on my cell phone call you on your cellphone
Late night when you need my love late night when i need your attention
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing
I know when that hotline bling i know when that voicemail ring
That can only mean one thing that can only mean one thing

These days, all I do is these days all i do is 
Wonder if you bendin' over backwards for someone else make sure im doing things for myself
Wonder if your rollin' backwoods for someone else getting myself off without your help
Doing things I taught you gettin' nasty for someone else not getting called nasty, by someone else
You don't need no one else  you don't know how i felt

You don't need nobody else, no you don't know how i felt, no
Why you never alone you never knew how i felt
Why you always touching road you don't know how i felt
Used to always stay at home, be a good girl why you care i'm touchin road
You was in the zone i'm still in the zone
You should just be yourself right now i'm really in the zone
Right now, you're someone else you should move onto someone else, move onto someone else

cause it was you who left the city

With Dull Wants

"I spent all morning destroying bright ideas

my ears hummed in disquiet

before the rainstorm moved in over our heads

we watched the slow moon rise above treetops

and listened to the sky for five hours as it blued

before walking away together with dull wants"

Painfully Internalizing

"From time to time I find myself mentally flailing in a way that is undetectable to the people passing by me on the street or sitting next to me on the train or even the people I drink with after work and also probably the people I live with too

I’m flailing internally and desperately and if you look closely enough
I’m flailing in the most embarrassing way

I remember I haven’t been loved by a good person in a long time
and I remember I haven’t not eaten after midnight in a long time
and I remember I don’t know how to have just one or two or three drinks
and I remember I forgot to get my nephew a present for his birthday
and I think about how he is my only nephew and I am doing a bad job

I’m flailing in a way that seems irreparable but
of course it’s not

and I’m flailing in a way that’s just lazy

It’s just lazy

Okay nevermind

I didn’t mean to say all this

What I meant is

I can’t stop telling my new deskmate that I am going to kill myself soon
while laughing hysterically and then falling silent for hours

I’ve only been working next to her for a few weeks and I am not sure
if she’s uncomfortable, or too nice to me, but probably both

Also I can’t stop writing poems about her
and then telling her about them
and basically I can’t shut up
because when have I ever

Nope not that

I didn’t mean to say all of this either

Remember when I sat on the outside ledge
of the 6th story window in Tribeca
and you held onto me by the belt loops
and pulled me back in

Well I definitely didn’t mean to say that

What I meant is

Sometimes you just wanna sit on a face
because you know you’re the perfect size

I feel turned on by the idea of scrolling
through the Google doc
where you put the thoughts
that turn into drafts
that eventually become the poems
that are absolutely not about me

I feel turned on by
painfully internalizing
what that means
for eternity

I feel turned on by the idea of reaching over to the empty side of the bed
and jerking off the memory of your dick

Since it’s just a ghost
now I can decide when it comes
if it comes
I don’t have to wait for you
I don’t have to decide which part of me should take that blow
I don’t have to hear you say
oww that hurts

Your dick is just a ghost dick now
I can rip it off and you won’t even die

Okay nevermind

What I meant to say is

I fucking miss you

And this poem isn’t very good

I know it

So instead I’ll start over
with this one

It’s called

“Grab my ass inside of a Dunkin Donuts”

You fucking fool

Why do you think I came in here with you
in the first place"

Hi.

"Push down hard because it hurts.
Then relieve the pressure a little bit.
It's like a dance.
As you watch it fold in on itself.
This is stomach.
This is heart.
What color is it?
This is words because you're not that good with your hands.
This is words because you feel compelled to examine your failures.
Like a stomach.
Like a heart.
Watch it fold in itself.
Relieve the pressure a little bit because it hurts.
It's yourself."
-jg

Radio Poems 001 and 002

i'm no doctor

he had a red bull like thrown at his head
please come home
and the calibre of experience being on that stage is so astonishing
and the police
the pope's popularity is helping
absolutely annoying, or who sent you spam messages all the time
go ahead and hit the block button
that's where the team lets their slow equipment manager come in for one unnecessary play
at the game like a worthy sort of thing, and everybody just sort of falls down
at the pruneyard shopping center in campbell
i'm no doctor, but that seems like a dull response to an acute problem

america runs on dunkin'

was humpty dumpty's mom a chicken?
if it can get rid of those smells, it can get rid of the smell of your butt in the bathroom
prison radio has enabled his voice to escape those bars, and that's how we know
tulips, banks, brouhaha and more money
are we feeling confident?
the deer hunting is at slim's tomorrow night, and i think there's one more thing you wanted to mention
got all dressed up and paid a whole lot to go to dinner
but the symphony continues
join the party as we honor our heritage with great items
for just fifty cents each, that's two for a buck
oh, heartburn, then your baby is going to have a full head of hair
life is better with surprises
like the total-disbelief-surprise
he calmly filed reports as everyone around him was in a panic
they were set up, and then systematically knocked off
it's the next best thing to fresh squeezed, and it pairs great with breakfast sandwiches
america runs on dunkin'

Some Shit Writing

she said i can't read your writing
it makes me feel too sad
she said it two more times
incase the first and second didn't hurt so bad
she wants to be by my side forever
but is just trying to be happy, finally, for once her life
you depress me, please, do not send me everything that you write
she was right
and maybe i was on some manipulative bullshit
some push pull shit
i'm the culprit
dragging you down the dark spiral i tend to live in
i send you a poem, like come'on where have you been?
but you deserve rainbows, and flowers, and all things nice
it took years to understand why misery wouldn't suffice
if i could be next to you, i would give anything, i would change
a pleasant exchange
i won't remind you i'm downtrodden, i'm broken
our conversations don't have to be depressing, terse, or token
i promise i want what you want
i promise i always will
i won't say a word but entrust in our love, still
cause you're my favorite
i won't type a letter, i won't speak a word, it will stay in the past, where i'll save it
and if you want to be happy
i will not get sappy
i don't have to spell out every feeling so scared
because i love you, i'm happy
because you are my favorite

My Brightest Days

remember when we used to talk with our lips
not with our mouths, talk with our lips

baby i can see your halo

now we cry in the darkest nights in our respective beds
that's some perspective we got, and went unsaid

baby i can feel your halo
your halo 
halo
halo
halo

you said things haven't changed that much
everywhere i'm looking now i'm looking straight at your face
everything i'm feeling now, i'm sensing your embrace
that's from one touch
of your halo
halo
halo

baby i can see your halo

i feel what i always felt, the pure, the perfection, the safe
inside of your walls, under my skin
i ain't never gonna shut you out

you're my saving grace
you said things ain't changed that much
things remain the same
it's written all over my face
it's on you too, and this i know

cause baby i can feel your halo