Better Care

I said
I'M SO ALONE, I AM SO SICK, I FEEL TERRIBLE AND SAD AND NO ONE CARES HOW BAD I AM
she said
i am not worried for you, i haven't forgotten what you told me, which was that you never take better care of yourself than when you're sick; than when you really need to

Out To Get You

"I wonder what it'd be like if I didn't have someone out to get me."

"She isn't out to get you."

Waiting Game

I decided to be honest
for once in my fucking life
I told her that the jenga pieces are teetering
they've all been pulled

the one that's next 
collapses it all

Why Would I Do That

"I don't want to talk about this, Doc"

"Then write about it"

"You said yourself, writing about it brought you solace"

"Yeah, well it didn't bring anyone else much solace"

I Knew She Was Always

"You do not get addicted", she explains to me, at the speed that the thoughts come, just slow enough for me to react to each individually, "you get obsessed." I hated the following word nearly as much as the first, I knew she was right, though, I knew she was always right.

And It Sounded Like Something You Would Say

The last time that I saw you, you said to me, "long time no see". I smiled a small smile. I remember thinking that is something that I would say. Everyone looked up, and I leaned in for a hug. I said, "I didn't expect to see you here." Surprisingly, I found it more humorous than upsetting that it made me seem as if it were my bar. It wasn't the first time that I wished I had a drink in front of me on that table, but it was the most. I never feel as feign, and insincere as when I am not with you.

And if you are coming home for the holidays, well then it will not be home for me.

Same Mistake Twice

"Do you have any advice for me?"

"Never make the same mistake twice."

Six Months

I said I know that I am tripping out.

"Yeah, you are."

He said that that's something he's noticed about me, I "start doubting yourself, and everything begins to unravel."

"Yeah, I know."

Some Days I Don't Have Anything At All

My coworker walks up to my side, as I sit at my desk. He holds several shuffled papers in his hand, shows the top one to me. "There is a day on the calendar for you," he laughs. "August 22nd. The day that angels come out." I look closer at the square containing the twenty two, I read what he had just said aloud, I can't bring myself to say anything.

  "A part of me still loves you."

  "Which part?"

Ease

There are no butterflies, no desperation, my fingers touch your lip, we leave it at that. You tell me that timing is absolutely everything, you say patience. You want your name on everything, you lay it all out on the table. I look at your tattoo, it doesn't make me nervous, I like our separate lives. You're surprised with the way in which things seems to have turned out for me, you not only tell me that, but explain the way in which you thought that it would. You say it is just you, but that's alright, because it always has been. "It's crazy that you just said that." You told me not to worry that I have changed, all that I am is older. You want your name on everything, and if I make this about us, one last time, then something about that now sounds much too enticing.

Some Poor Apology

We are both standing in the street, you are speaking to me, but I am hardly looking at you. Your every attempt to cheer me up boils my blood, I am convinced that you are not doing a good enough job. That if it were sincere, it would be working. There is a too-long pause after a joke you probably knew would fall flat. I break the silence with a new train of thought, a whole other level. I am taunting you new, wishing for nothing more than to take your jovial spirit and never see it return. I ask you cooly, if you know how it is impossible to find someone amusing when you are in a mood. You catch my drift, but I am not finished. I resume, sharing my idea, telling you that it makes me think. If a loved one is not entertaining to the other whilst bitter, when the other doesn't want to find that person funny, or enjoyable at all, would the opposing notion not also have to ring true? I state, matter a factly, that any person wants to find their friends funny, clever, fun; if they are in high spirits then they make those around them seem great. The moral being that nothing is real, and no one likes each other as much as they hoped. You retaliate fruitlessly, deciding that in does not in fact work both ways. "It's funny, you're just so mad you don't want to find it funny." My lack of response declared a stale mate, and I must be any awful person to be around, on more occasions than simply the grumpy ones.

I appreciate and love you so much, and not simply for your tolerance.

Losing My Head

I said, "I am not depressed, life is just not really worth living."
My mom said, "I've got to write that down."

Imagine if your therapist gave birth to you, calling you inadequate
Your dad abandons you then, standing just a stone's throw away

A little later you realize that every single successful, or failed relationship or friendship, of any sort, perpetuated one or the other, or usually, one, and then the other.

"The clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly."

Phone Home

she told me that I am too frightened to make any decision, so I make none at all

the fear of failure rules my world

I start everything that I would want to do, a tiny bit, then forfeit instantly, easily

she said that I would make mistakes every day until I "fucking died", don't be so timid

it was nice though, it felt good to be reprimanded

she said that I beg for help, but will not take it until the other person is begging to give it

I could not have said it better myself, nothing on earth sounds more appealing, or needed

she said that my self esteem was so low that I've convinced myself I cannot do a single thing by myself

can't even take care of myself

she said she doesn't want me on the medication, but to make up my mind, about anything

say what I want, no one can "read my mind"

there was a pause

I spoke I did not know what it was I wanted

Sobering Up

i said i only wish you would be a little bit happy for me
you said it is too hard to be any more
said that it is abundantly clear to see, i am setting out to fail more so than ever before

your truth poured like a hot facet
and i was soused in what i made to be love

Appreciation

 "what's wrong?"
 "nothing."
 "what's really wrong?"
 "nothing."
--

"it's okay"
"don't say "it's okay". say that you do not want to come."
"i don't want to come.."

(it came out like a foreign language that i had never learned, but had been meaning to for years)

Yeah

i felt gross as he placated me
saying
yeah totally
you put in all the effort you possibly could
then absolutely no care
and the outcomes is the same
nonetheless
you want to just give up
see what happens
already knowing
yeah totally

Grim Joke

"a grim joke..."
"grim, joke."

  i admit defeat

Ever Even Thought That

    "This is the smallest I've ever been"
    "That is like, the worst thing that you could say about yourself"

Those ten or so hour drives alone
I sat there worrying the whole way at home
Some things never change, and in fact
I only long to ask if you've ever thought that

“You have endless ways you can commit suicide without dying dying.”

Smoking

You said,
"People don't know what to do with their hands."
I said, 
"Or mouths."

You always want a bite of everybody's food, and always want to share yours. Even if I see myself, I still like these things about you.