I don't wanna grow up to be a peice of shit like my father 
but it's so hard

Quake

she had contacted me only to check
if I had felt it
I laughed a peculiar laugh
for I had been waking up for many weeks
shaken at 3:30am, unable to get back to sleep

last night was no different


what a funny reason to call

Absolute Self Discipline Utter Lack Of Self Control

My mom, she told me that my depression and my anxiety are at constant war with one another, I suppose that I am an optimist in thinking that they go hand in hand.

HPS Highly Sensitive Person

 "I feel like all of my feeling are heightened."

 "They are."

"Nobody ever knows anyone else. Most people don't know themselves."

Good Talk, Mom

"she has too much free time
she thinks too much
and she is obsessed with herself

your mind is unhealthy

you are making problems in your head
they're all in their head"

 "you have way to much anxiety, and never have energy."

Weird

    "You need to override your neurosis, with normalcy"

    "You need to get a job and learn how to function"

Phone Home

she told me that I am too frightened to make any decision, so I make none at all

the fear of failure rules my world

I start everything that I would want to do, a tiny bit, then forfeit instantly, easily

she said that I would make mistakes every day until I "fucking died", don't be so timid

it was nice though, it felt good to be reprimanded

she said that I beg for help, but will not take it until the other person is begging to give it

I could not have said it better myself, nothing on earth sounds more appealing, or needed

she said that my self esteem was so low that I've convinced myself I cannot do a single thing by myself

can't even take care of myself

she said she doesn't want me on the medication, but to make up my mind, about anything

say what I want, no one can "read my mind"

there was a pause

I spoke I did not know what it was I wanted

Start And Can't Stop

My dad and brother say nicer things about me when they believe that I cannot hear, and I like that. They think that I am sleeping, they do not know that I do not do much of that. They are discussing me, knowing that I am not very good at things, and my brother is gentle about it, and my dad says to him that I will get better. I am still lying in bed, pretending to sleep. When I am face to face with them it is different, my brother, point blank, said, "You should not be here." And people like me, take words like that, at face value. Words like that tend to replay a bit. My dad bought organic fresh ground french roast coffee, not for the three of us, but the nine others that are here. Twelve, twelve people, and why am I one of them, I guess that I shouldn't be. He offers me some of the coffee, he tells me that french roast is the most popular, and I tell him that it is my favorite. I have this constant and unjust inkling that he disbelieves everything that I am saying, dishonest people make me weird. I make the coffee, and he brings it up, he asks how it is, I say good, really good. We sit in silence for a while, as we normally do, but I decide to ask if he wants to try what is in the cup in front of us. I wanted to be polite, knowing that he would decline, with some drawn out reasoning, hearing him talk is always an inner monologue that I've had and didn't want to. He tells me about never starting something, not "getting into it". I understand myself better, but not in a way or the part that I want to.

Nervous system.

Minions

If my dad could have it his way, every person that he has disappointed would be working for him. 
Which is the reason I've been spending these days locked in a dry room with Dylan and Kathryn.

Kathryn is coming with pizza, I am going to go have dinner with Kathryn
(and I don't stop the song Styrofoam Plates from playing on the radio, or in my head)

It's Great But

"You are overly conscious. You go overboard."

You Can't Do That To Them

You were the one who decided so consciously to create me, and more recently, to tell me that it isn't worth my friend's time to be associated with someone bearing this outlook on life. You convinced me that my loved ones deserve better than my unhappiness, just radiating out of me. Some days I disagree with the latter choice of words, some days I disagree with the prior choice of action.

So parents, I am sorry that the entwining of your bitterness did not in fact cancel itself out in either of us,

as you had covertly hoped those years ago. 

Reality Check-In

      "I saw you in bed last winter, you haven't changed." 

Our

                      "We all have 'our shame'."

Motherly Love

"You're a squirrel in a cage, your mind is going around in circles. 
You're not getting anywhere."

Thanks Mom

"You don't have enough self esteem 
to feel like you can do anything."

Time Line

"Every person goes by a different calendar and a different clock."

Is A Feeling

"Abandonment has nothing to do with rationality." "Being abandoned is a feeling, and is not rational."

I'm Worried About Entertaining You

    "Can you entertain yourself?"

        "Are you serious..?"

"Everybody Is Flipping Out"

"August is hard. The rest of August is going to be hard."


"I've lost everything." "That's weird.."
"You still have you."