Only Once You Realize This Do You Become Free

"My ears hear what others cannot hear; small faraway things people cannot normally see are visible to me. These senses are the fruits of a lifetime of longing, longing to be rescued, to be completed. Just as the skirt needs the wind to billow, I'm not formed by things that are of myself alone. I wear my father's belt tied around my mother's blouse, and shoes which are from my uncle. This is me. Just as a flower does not choose its color, we are not responsible for what we have come to be."

Surrogate

you leave me indistinct hints and clues

to string me along

i say that everything ends for me in disarray

you literally say that "sounds okay"

you do not know me

you say, "it sounds like you don't want to do your own thing"

i scoff angrily, "i assure you that is never something i do not wish to do"

assuming so boastfully that i need you

we both walk away, not wanting to argue, could never wish to bother

you are my father

you are a stream of words and emotions and fears and truths and questions and opinions and apologies and stories and ideas

i don't have room for a word in edgewise

as you spout how there you are for me

you smother me in nervous selfishness (worse than mine)

as you admit how addicted you get

you are anxious

pacing, analyzing, eating, fidgeting, running, repeating, thinking, talking

how ironic i thought to myself, that you never learned the definition of gloaming

we fight till the death, it couldn't be a waste of breath, we were fashioned for this

you wake me up in the night to tell me of something i could never remember

because it isn't about me, never was and never will be

i thought i was an exception, to a rule i articulated, as you spoke over

you do not understand anything, and why that is you will forever wonder

you are my mother 

   

you seek out and find what you know

but as far as what i want, you are far from what that would bestow

even so, lessons in growth

you trigger my dishonest secrecy and my ocd

though that's not why all of my dreams have been about hating you lately

Losing My Head

I said, "I am not depressed, life is just not really worth living."
My mom said, "I've got to write that down."

Imagine if your therapist gave birth to you, calling you inadequate
Your dad abandons you then, standing just a stone's throw away

A little later you realize that every single successful, or failed relationship or friendship, of any sort, perpetuated one or the other, or usually, one, and then the other.

"The clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly."

Often Quietly

the guilt keeps you around, not here, but around
you see what you've done, because you are aware
and often do feel badly for it, because we know that I am a good person

I had an epiphany, the recurring kind
realizing over, and over, and over, and over
that there is a reason for my obsession with the emotionally vacant type
addiction to the despondent, unavailable kind

I like someone, I really like someone
they are not in a place to take care of me
but I do not mind, I accept them for their faults and flaws

I wait for it, often quietly, then they leave
often quietly
not really leaving, but definitely not staying
maternal, paternal
probably all of us
likely forever

but if you create the same dynamic, same relationship
ultimately, the consummation will again and again, end the same

"She thinks you're great at all this and you're not."

"I don't think that you're capable of much."

"Where are you going to be then?"

"Talk to somebody else about it."
Thanks, mom.

"Don't give up on your dream."
Thanks, dad.
He wasn't being sarcastic, so I started to cry.

Prophecies

Survival instincts without a doubt go further than fight or flight, or life or death situations. I think that the subconscious desire to survive, paired with the conscious or subconscious wanting to prove yourself right, or be right, can be a very interesting thing. So, without even knowing it, you could have set up in your mind a self-fufilled prophecy, and could be repeatedly pleasuring yourself with the outcome of simply proving yourself correct in your own truths. For example, if I believed, in some suppressed or no more than latent sense that because as far back as I could remember that there were two types of meaningful relationships that I could be a part of, I had been living a life unknowingly affirming that truth. That is neither solely because I wanted to be right, or just because I thought it to be fact, it's probably some of both. When my mind was deciphering so many years ago, what a relationship really meant, knowing only my family members to base that presumption on, I think that I decided that there were two discernible relations, and outcomes from those connections, both ending with digression. A. The first kind is to find the loved one so remarkably disappointing, upon seeing that they will never change their ways, you distance yourself as a coping mechanism, to avoid further hurt and letdown. You find acceptance within yourself, perhaps even forgiveness, but nothing could ever be as you had hoped. B. The second kind of love is to discern yourself to be such an endless, cureless disappointment to the other, as well as yourself. It is clear that you are not good enough, unworthy, useless, and the only choice is to discontinue making yourself a burden, and leave while you can.
Every relationship of mine since has been consumed by one thought or the other, or a combination of the two, in my struggle to survive, I do what I have to, to insure that I come out alive. In the protection and preservation of your heart, all intimate or important affections have a sort of basic fight or flight facet. In the primitive sense, of avoiding getting caught, stuck, or destroyed by something, I think the same goes for attachments. 
In the end, what is comprehendible, as well as rings valid, is that someone is left after the event of one's departure feeling of no worth. Feeling so vastly disappointing, that it would be absurdly selfish to ever go back to put that upon someone you care so greatly for. Every good relationship must conclude in a personal forfeit, for the best interest of the other, for yourself, or in the best interest of yourself for yourself. There is nothing meaningless, or cheap about giving up yourself, it is an act of love, one of the strongest forms of affirmation. This is not to say that it is for the other person, it is survival of the fittest, and emotional fittest and acknowledging then acting upon the right thing to do. I think it gets confusing with what I said previously, with doing everything that you possibly can to prove your personal theories to be true, you tell yourself that you are not enough, or the other person isn't enough, and no one could ever be the accurate amount of everything for someone significant. Basically, I was trained, by myself, in a very elemental stage of my life that there inescapably comes a time to distance yourself or be distanced from, and subconsciously I have been watching it replay itself out for the decade or so subsequent. Sometimes the pattern tears, but connately I don't want to be wrong.
It would mean they could have been enough, I could have been enough, still could be.

You Can't Do That To Them

You were the one who decided so consciously to create me, and more recently, to tell me that it isn't worth my friend's time to be associated with someone bearing this outlook on life. You convinced me that my loved ones deserve better than my unhappiness, just radiating out of me. Some days I disagree with the latter choice of words, some days I disagree with the prior choice of action.

So parents, I am sorry that the entwining of your bitterness did not in fact cancel itself out in either of us,

as you had covertly hoped those years ago. 

A Long Drive Home

thank you mom for my anxiety I can not rid 

damned to think it wasn't this bad when I was a kid 

thank you dad for the mind and heart of an addict 

I resisted all that I could but accidentally made persons my habit

and you kept things clean 

thanks for nothing

Apparent

My ominous sadness more a parent than either of them.

Always You Will

"Mother, father, always you wrestle inside me, always you will."

Time

What happened to the days?

Parental

"Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something." 

Family Friend Run In

"I hear your brother's just hangin' out around." "Yeah." 
"Weird your mom just up and sold the house one day." Yeah." 
"So your dad just took off with his new family. "Like what are we, chopped liver?"" "Yeah."

Family Meeting

"You can come if you want to"

Fashion Anything Better

"Times like that, you look like a failed experiment your parents will have to face for the rest of their lives. A booby prize. And your mom and dad, they look like a God too retarded to fashion anything better than you.

You grow up to become living proof of your parent's limitations. Their less-than-masterpiece."

"My facial expression said I didn't care

Hate and aggression must've made an impression on the little kid who stared,

Sitting on stairs when I would bother to bring my skates

My feeble attempt at being a strong, big brother doing father figure 8's"

Influences

Don't forget: How you came home for lunch some monday morning, and you wanted was to accomplish as much math homework online as you could, but (of course) you ended up just eating, and wasting the little time you had. You're standing in the cold kitchen getting snacks and your mom is hovering, you say nothing which is completely the usual and she begins in again. "YOUR BROTHER HATES HIGH SCHOOL" you don't want to be having this conversation, not now, not ever. "YOU HATE COLLEGE" you regret mentioning in the past any complaints of my every day schedule "AND I HATE WORKING" you just want to reply that everyone on this earth hates work and school and to get over it and go away "THIS IS OUR LIVES, THIS ISN'T A DRESS REHEARSAL..." The rest became a trailing stream of cliche phrases and statements about how short life is, "YOU ONLY DO THIS ONCE, SHOULDN'T WE BE DOING WHAT WE WANT TO" She refers to herself as a child and it's just about the first thing you honestly agree with at this point. "I'VE BEEN WORKING SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER" That's where you chime in about everyone working their whole lives, and inevitably it gets you absolutely nowhere. As if life is so simple that you can be exactly what you want, later, taxes and money come to mind. She delves in even deeper, and you're blocking it out like a distracting television while you're trying to read. Later, you realize this is why music was playing from the living room when it hasn't in nearly a year. "I'M SICK OF WORKING, I'VE BEEN WORKING MY WHOLE LIFE" in the moment, for more than one reason, escape comes to your mind. your head is in the refrigerator as she plans a vacation she doesn't need "I DON'T MIND GOING ALONE". Your putting a snack into a Zip-lock bag "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE?" it's the rhetorical questions that irk you even more.

Blind

In an immature and expected fit of blind fury she threw away my fuckin' toothpaste.
But if I am supposed to get out of here, I will.

About You

"I was thinking about your life.."

"And about how life is about people leaving"

Mystified

"This STUPID message makes you go back?"

"I'm CONFUSED, and I have to go back"

"This is what she does; she MYSTIFIES you"