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Thursday, August 21, 2014

"I need you

I don't need you

I need you

I don't need you

and all of that driving around"

Time pt. 3

It is 8:41am, I am eating an apple and almond butter, and Lizz just left for work 13 minutes ago.
There is nothing I feel that needs to be said, but I have some time I need to kill.

Some mornings I wake up sad, I don't know what else to say.
It is often, and that same early morning feeling, it is just unfortunate when people must be here to witness. I concealed it okay this morning by saying nothing, not even alluding to it. I did sleep significantly better last night. I didn't squeeze lizz's arm the whole fucking night. I swear my relationships would not suffer if only I wasn't convinced with this sickness of them secretly hating me. I can't imagine what it's like to not feel this way.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Time pt. 2

8:45pm Wednesday night now. I just showered, and will probably try to finish House of Cards soon. I finished writing this morning and finally left for work. I clocked in today the latest I ever have, as a sort of middle finger to both the structure of my work and its employees, and to my life. 10:05am. I wondered if Lance thought I would no-show, and Jeff (for once) did not make a joke about when I came in. There was a sort of weight off of my shoulders, or something, in the way that work was just different, it just felt different. A lot of strange things went wrong, on account of Scott "being distracted", I say it like that not in a negative way whatsoever, he is doing the best he can. Scott and Lance were equally in a terrible mood over the calendar job, meaning they lost a lot of money on it, as well as pride. Seth caught three very large mistakes in three days, I cherished the feeling of being out of the picture. I stayed busy, and worked flowed in, which reminded me of my conversation with Lizz because she told me to do projects, or anything to keep from sitting and staring. I knew that she knew the downward spiral of thoughts. I was not on the verge of tears at all today, and did not make any phone calls during my shift. I did respond to Lizz's text by thanking her for her friendship, but part of me still felt the inadequacy that somewhere she was feeling. The work day went by three times as fast as the previous days, but I realized I could not see a movie alone because Austin had work off. He and Lizz would be coordinating leaving for the show, and I decided also that I would like to spend time with him. I made a couple of Planned Parenthood plates, and called Austin (I knew Lance was on the first line in the front) as I stood in the back waiting for them to complete. He said that he was headed to a new brewery on Telegraph, and ended up picking me up from work. We went to CommonWealth, where I spent too much money on a salad, but we had a nice time. We walked to where it was he wanted to go, and even stopped by Aggregate Gallery to see if we could view the exhibit (they were closed). I felt normal for the first time in a long time, or the most normal I had in a while, rather. He dropped me at my car, and would not go grocery shopping with me so I went alone. He went home and drank the 49 dollars of beer he had just purchased, and I spent 59 dollars at Berkeley Bowl. I came home and tried the Saison, deciding that I was going to be supportive of his drinking to get him to like me, and we sat on our computers. I had a really good time hanging out with him, and even at home we talked a lot and watched videos, and listened to songs, he sent me links to what he was reading, and I didn't act like a total fucking bitch. Lizz came by for the show and I did not feel ashamed, and was happy to see her. I dropped them off at bart, so thankful I was not going, and drove home, feeling okay. I had a nice flaming hot shower, and decided it was time to grow up, and go on Craigslist. I've been looking for a while at studios, bedrooms in houses, and apartments with multiple rooms. If I do choose to remain in this life I have now, with my job, and... bike? I will find my own living situation, and will not count on anyone, especially Scott. I did text him though, telling him to let me know (god forbid) what is going on. Lizz and Austin will both be in town this weekend, for the weekend. Lizz is doing family stuff, and Austin is going to a Beer Fest. Seeing as I do not have a family to do family things with, and do not drink, I will stay here (and other reasons too which I will not mention here). My plan is to see Magic in the Moonlight if I haven't already, bike around a lot, and read. I still would like to see Sarah. If Jillian visits, which I am hoping for, but not expecting, I will definitely do everything I'd like to do. When I talked to Scott driving around West Oakland, I told him that I require a person, someone around a lot, who can motivate me, and who we can have there to work off of each other. Austin and I are like that sometimes for sure, but we just have dissimilar interests now. Chris very much was that for a significant amount of time I was in Oakland, and I needed not anybody else. Everything I encounter seems to be a lesson in letting go. I have come to the conclusion that I am alright with being the first to call him, I will when I'm ready. If I had any money, this would be an awesome time to travel ("soul-search"). Or perhaps being so dangerously close to rock bottom will eventually inspire me to strive to reach the top, I would love to be learning something, or bettering myself in any way. I hope this ounce of hope lasts. I cannot decipher whether it came from sharing what I had to last night, or just from being so fucking exhausted with the depths of dispair, that I came up for a breath. Where would I move to? Where would I go if I had to go? I do this all to myself which is the upsetting part. I am so scared of the sleeping pills, I have been putting them off for so long. I am so scared. I need help. I am so scared I need help.

Time

Here is the life update, no one reads this anyway, so I will address this to no one.

Work has been so slow this week that I am currently stalling to go in, it's not like I have been awake since 4am.. The pity party started Sunday, actually well before then, but I will start there. Monday morning I wrote back to my mom's text from Sunday night 8pm, around 9am I said I would call him, she said okay. I hated her condescending questions, her disloyalty, dishonesty, and her. Monday was long and difficult to get through, and I left work at about 3:02pm. I was very concerned with what I would do with my time (inside of work, but also outside), so I planned to bike to Shattuck Cinemas to see a movie. The movie started at 4:35pm, and walking up to the house I was struck with the tremendous fear of having 30 minutes with nothing to do. I left early, and took the Berkeley bike street I found last time, which was really nice. I parked my bike at the library again, and was one of two people in the theater, again. The movie was, to my surprise, a lot worse than I anticipated, but was distracting enough. I left the theater as soon as the credits began, and went to the bathroom before returning home. My phone began to ring, it was either 6:16 or 6:19 (always when Lizz calls after work), and if she decides to call before she gets home this means that it is either of importance or that she is worried. I did not answer or return her call. She did not leave a message. It was freezing and nearly dark, but I packed a sweatshirt, and sped off towards home. I decided to really amp up the party and go get some wine, I also wished to avoid home (but also people) at all costs. I biked to Pak n Save and got a Francis Coppola pinot. When I got home I could not eat, so I opened the wine instead. The only thing that could make me feel worse, was thinking about Chris, so I turned on House of Cards which we promised to finish together. I imagined the conversation of him asking if I watched without him, and me proudly telling him that I did because I did not care about him. This made me want to call him terribly, and then I envisioned him in bed with his new girlfriend and very quickly decided against it. The wine did not upset my empty stomach, and I eventually fell asleep on the couch. (Lizz did call again at 10:54pm, which made me really happy, but I could not pick up for what I had to say.) I knew Austin was still in town and would not be coming home, so I slept there until around 2:20am, when I have routinely been waking up for numerous hours on end. That is exactly what occurred. Work on Tuesday was even harder to get through, I got there closer to 10am than 9am, and there was just no work to be done. I got Arizmendi beforehand, and there was an uncomfortable confrontation between a patron and employee that affected me negatively. At work, I sent Lizz the text I had written and saved at 3:45am, and made myself do it for the reason that I didn't want her to think I was being childish or dramatic. Scott and Kelly left around 10:15am. Lizz responded at 11:13am saying "that is so vague I can't gain any kind of understanding, but I love you & just wanted to check in". I did not reply, nor plan to. I called Dylan right after 12pm, and did not tell Jeff or Lance that I was stepping outside. I almost cried at work, sitting in the dark in the back, but thought someone might noticed so I stopped myself. I helped to save the cover for the Brandes book which felt good, and can't recall doing anything else. I clocked out at 3:00pm exactly, and once I got home I realized I could not bike to Piedmont for my second movie. My legs were so terribly sore from Sunday night, and Monday night, and I can't continue spending all of this money to keep myself afloat. I turned on House of Cards again before it was even dark out. Lizz called at 6:16pm exactly, and I was appreciative again, immensely so, but ignored the call. I drank wine, and smiled at the same House of Cards episodes I smiled at the night before. Lizz texted me saying she was coming over at some point tonight, and I hated myself for thinking that she just wanted to pick up here jeans that were here. I told her not to worry, but that "I wouldn't come over". I figured if I avoided her until I was happy again that I would never have to make her feel sad. I knew she was worried, she said she was, I called her to make her not worried, but she ended up saying she was coming over anyway. She put her head on my shoulder in a way that made me feel like I was fucked up and defeated, which I was. I wanted so badly to explain how much gratitude I felt for her, and everything she does for me, but couldn't.

We laid for a long time on the couch, she fell asleep as soon as I was done speaking, we moved to the bed, and I was awake the rest of the night. It's Wednesday morning, 9:34am, I will contact someone tonight so as to not be alone. Austin has work off for a show, and Lizz is going. I want to see Sarah, but may just end up going to Piedmont Theater at 4:45pm. It's cold. There is no fixing anything, and a lot of regrets, and waiting. Maybe I will tell Lance what is going on. I can't speak with my father, or my mother. I am a big ugly sorrowful burden of a friend. I can't remember being alone ever being this hard, but I have yet to do something drastic, which is good. How long can this feeling last? How long can this go on for? I recall saying that things would never change. They always do. I hope there is something to do at work today, I swear every moment I will think about leaving, just like Monday, just like Tuesday. I can't go to town this weekend, but if Jillian comes here it could save me. Last night I had to come to terms with how truly phony I am, but it's strange, issues outside of myself are larger than my own, so even my self-loathing seems watered down in some way. I need to leave for work, even though Cornerstone didn't get approved, no Employerwares came in, LEG hasn't called, and Jason is taking every scrap that I feel I deserve. Should I stay here for this job? I think I should move. I will not feel good about myself until I am in school, which very likely will be never. I wish I could go to Chicago and never look back. More easily, I could sit in town and trim and sulk, and be the person I was actually destined to be. Funny I thought that this would work out for me because I was trying. People think that I am untrusting, when really I'll trust anything. I need to call Scott, I can't go home, I cannot go for a very long time. I was supposed to be exemplary, I was supposed to be positive supported, I could be the best version of myself instead of the worst if I wasn't so damn dependent. I only have me and somehow I keep forgetting that. I am sick in the heart, and right now nothing is worth it. I suppose I should quit my job, it is my only thing tying me down here. I could do anything. Just last month work and movies were enough. The ground beneath me is crumbling, and it's time to see how long I can stay suspending here in time and space. My legs hurt so fucking bad, my heart hurts more.