it doesn't feel good but it feels like something and it is collective but separate

what is a friday?
what does it mean?
probably something different to every different person in the world
turns out i have to work tomorrow anyway
this morning i drove to starbucks downtown and saw a street fair
it wasn't yet 7am and i thought
how cute, a street fair, and so early
the street fair was in front of starbucks and i couldn't go in
work feels like a pressure cooker sometimes
you pace around
sweating
wishing the presses would just print faster
so you could be a messenger
with good news
for once
my safeway salad at lunch tasted like working at the movie theater
i got off work and immediately called my boss
i sat in my car and he said i was overthinking things
which pissed me off
because i called so selflessly
then i remembered nothing is selfless
and everything is to make me less uncomfortable
not more comfortable
less uncomfortable
jillian called
then i remember what i live for and it is talking on the phone
probably with her
as i drove home on 8th street
she said she can't do anything without me this weekend
and it has never been at that point
i said that i know it is at that point
i talked to alex on the phone for a very long time then
i took out the vanilla lavender scented trash
and i started laundry
i put my clothes in both dryers
i have a lot to be tumbled
i discovered tao lin tonight, it felt like discovering something big
i read something last night i wrote about sleeping next to you
i need to sleep next to you
we probably won't talk for a month

i collect everything i want to say and show to you
and disperse it out
to everyone i've known

i have to go move my car and it's amazing the easiest thing to do is to go on

i became hijama
something bland that you liked when you were younger
and eat now for that reason only
it is thursday
clocking in at seven was hard today
i had both coffee and tea at work
i fell asleep creating my pros and cons to staying alive list
of course i was asleep before i started the pros
of course i started with the cons
i will state some of the reasons to keep living now
since i'm sure we all know the cons
my friends, being in their lives forever, and not disappointing/making them blame themselves
good music and movies
my brother
things could always get better
the people/things that would win if i didn't
my job and my bosses

i decided that i should not go to the city
and maybe i will go get some soup instead

i cried last night for too long at the movie camp x-ray
for the stupid reason that
the prisoner made his decisions entirely based on being so beaten and broken down
i studied his defenseless interactions, his thoughts, his demeanor
unguarded
the parallels upset me
i saw myself, and then felt bad for him, or me
holly was in a conference today so i had nothing to do
except for all of my work

the lighting is weird and it makes me weird

today is wednesday
work was hectic enough
that i did not have to re-park my car when i got home 
i want to ride my bike
i wait to be well enough
today i was up for texting you, apparently
i did, and it sort of made you mad
you told me to just be your friend
as if it were that easy
as if it is easier than being nothing
i resented the presumption

when did this all just become one trying to keep another alive
i wonder as i sit in bed
listening to bart go back and forth
back and forth
there are a couple things i do not like about my apartment
they are as follows
the birds
the lighting
the elevator
and the hallway
the last two were very much predicted
i got a bloody nose at work today
second one this week
i read about anxiety bloody noses until it stopped
breathing cures everything
and the sun
and water
i decided today
the rays hit my face in my car
and i felt alive momentarily
which we have learned
is nearly long enough
you told me today that worrying about what you think about us
is the same as worrying about us
i said it is very different
you said okay
and these are the things we argue about now
ever since i made it hard

i googled how and changed my wifi name to peralta

i googled how and changed my wifi name to peralta

i told myself that i would write an alt lit poem every day this week
today is tuesday
i have a crush on greg and it doesn't really make sense
i guess i'll always be in love with the people who smirk when they talk
i listened to 90's alternative radio getting reading for work
i make eggs every day
and find it a sign from god every time that nirvana plays
even on 90's alternative radio
all apologies is playing now
i felt a twinge of guilt for the moments i did not include in my last poem
here is a list of things that duylam did or said that i meant to mention
in the afore mentioned poem
1. he asked me at dinner if i was currently having an emotional breakdown
to which i said i was not, even though i often believe to be
neither of us know the difference
2. he asked if i would drive him back to his apartment 
3. he said i should visit vermont, i think that he said vermont
4. he referred to himself as being pseudo passive aggressive
5. he asked if i write poems
i pretty much said no, which was easier than the truth
jim emailed me today, from odd compulsion
the zine was printed today
and he had been out of contact due to his living situation "going south"
i responded that "funny enough" mine did too
i relish in insensitivity
being casual is fun
until your ex-landlord tells you that you should "know him better"
when you were trying to act nonchalant
white men
scott at work today said:
we should kill arlene
he really did not like jeff's comment (/jeff)
and that brent is baby
i (honestly) agreed with all of the above
i found out tonight that glout and glower have the same meaning
i did laundry
and used the front door several times
on my way to work 
one of the maintenance apartment guys asked if he could ask me a question
i dread these interactions, they are like a nightmare
"why don't you use the front door?"
i wanted to tell him that my fear of humans has become escalated
in this time of uncertainty and misfortune
that a few word exchange (such as this one) could ruin my whole day
i said i was taking out the trash
and remembered that he was the guy i wanted to befriend
i figured he could see through me
to my superiority complex
i felt snobby and guilty
i walked to the coffee shop on 7th and it was not open 
(in what seemed like a long-term way)
i have been obsessed with the idea that people can see into my soul through my eyes
i avoid contact and hope it doesn't last
i read a story today about a dead father visiting his son in his dream
and i nearly cried, because of what happens after you die
it's all so
subjective
i thought about you dying today
you being YOU
i thought about how i miss you
i thought about the hospital 
i thought about your car
i haven't seen you in two years
it's crazy
what have i been doing

peralta means "high rock"
it very well could be lonely at the top
we both know that

sad is not the right word but I'll use it over and over anyway

sad is not the right word but I'll use it over and over anyway

today I felt like writing an alt lit poem

I figured this was a fitting way to start an alt lit poem

I read a tweet about going to see Birdman the movie alone

the following day I went to see the movie Birdman alone

I got to Berkeley early and felt (inaccurately) malnourished, so I laid on the grass of the UC

I wondered if I could pass for going there

a lady told her dog not to bother me because that woman is sleeping

I thought to tell Lizz, out of context, that I was laying by myself on the grass of the UC

to my surprise, I found myself sick of weirding her out

so decided against it

I think the movie resonated with me

if only for two reasons:

he wanted to be relevant, and

he felt like his studio was a "shithole"

I told myself the other day that if I got to choose any name at all for the wifi for my new place I would call it the shithole

my brother told me to deal with my shit

I got off the phone with him and called PG&E

when I called Comcast they switched over my internet very quickly

at Shithole, my wifi name was still Paper Street Soap Co, which reminded me of Austin and made me sad

like everything else

both in reminding me of Austin, and making me really sad

I'm not sure how to change it, or what to change it to

I have so much to worry about,

I find new ways to fall asleep each night

I wake up and Jillian texts me 

the message says that she dragged me down deep with her last night and thanked me for allowing her to do so

I realized I had no knowledge of this

it made me miss going so down deep, spiraling with another

back in the day, and I guess spacial distance does matter, sometimes

I finally open the snapchat from daddy phresh from okcupid after I get home from the movie

the message says he is walking to bart

(as shocking to me as to you)

the nervousness was dissimilar in a way that I enjoyed

how weird

It motivated me to move all of my belongings to the trunk

I picked him up at West Oakland bart

I was not sure if he expected me on foot

it wasn't awkward and we drove around

I got the sense he was romantic, which part of me appreciated

so we lived out his fantasy of looking through records

we also lived out my 'fantasy' of sushi

he only called me passive aggressive once

not that he should have more than that but he could have

it's so much better than neurotic 

which I refrained from calling myself

we walked around Piedmont and I enjoyed our conversation

we split the bill at dinner, and he told me he was born four days after I was born

I realized that he was another aquarius I had to drive around, and pretend that going dutch at dinner made sense to me

we knew the words and sung along to many songs which was very weird to me because we had never met

outside his apartment in the city he asked if I wanted to come up

I not only was surprised, but felt like I was in a mumble-core movie

up until maybe this point everyone thought I was Greta Gerwig, when in actuality I am Ben Stiller

but he didn't know this yet

I watched him clean his room, and read one of his many semi-private notebooks

his bedroom was overly feminine, which I liked and hated

I asked him what the wood was for

he said he was about to build a table

and I breathed a sigh of relief

I found this attractive, though it made me want to be with Chris

not in a sexual way, but still maybe in a bed way

Daddy Phresh played me breakup songs on his laptop while I read a list of his fears

my favorite fear was that he felt like he was too spectacular

my second favorite fear was that he felt unsocialable

I noticed his hood was up, and I appreciated that

I thought that if he tried to have sex with me I probably would have

if anyone asks enough times to do something I eventually agree because it means they wanted to badly enough 

for that same reason he was on my tumblr

he showed me a bag of mushrooms that belonged to his roommates and he nearly ate some right there on the spot

I politely declined when he offered me some, "you should try everything once"

he did not try to have sex to me to my knowledge 

but he did not want me to leave despite  my motioning to countless times

and his comment about how he noticed I could not manage to choose a radio station in the car

(comments made after the fact hurt the worst)

I asked if he would come find my car with me and he did

I think he was trying to kiss me but I ignored him until he wished me a nice night

I have to get used to a person's teeth

no matter if they are good or bad

it was like that with Nick too, he never had braces, and I liked his teeth

I drove home to my old house then corrected myself and took Adeline

I woke up before my alarm, and made eggs

today at work Kelly said to Seth that I am "too young to be tired"

I responded that she was "probably right"

and wanted to say that she definitely should be

she also told us in the office that "they are trying to kill her, but can't do it"

I didn't know whether she meant the doctors or the cancer, or both

I did not respond 

Jeff asked how my weekend was, and I came up with the word "productive"

really my place isn't bad

it's charming in its own way

which I found out recently is not an alright thing to say about a person

but hopefully it is about a place

though, you still know I should not be left alone 

I love you for a million billion reasons

that not being one of them

but I know a way that you can come here

without a copy of the key

this can only mean that there is hope for me

"I want you to be happy, but I want to be happy more"

"my happiness depends on your happiness"