Poison

dear self,

it's 1am now. I can nearly cry just thinking about how badly I would like sleep, how long it's been. I'm writing this as a reminder, so maybe one fucking day you will learn from your lessons; do the right thing. I'm not just tired, I am tired of hiding out, of the withholding, I'm tired of how I get when I feel like this. Maybe it's fight or flight, I'm not sure, but I'm not here I'm not anywhere, I don't wish to be. The movie just ended, Jillian got up and went to the bed, I left the chair and came to lie next to Lizz like I'd been wanting to for hours. Austin just said "dang" in his sleep. I think it's relevant. Lizz hates being in the middle, I think, appreciating the unforutnate double meaning. I torture myself and people don't know, couldn't know the anguish really or the meaning. For two hours I sat curled up in a ball of my shame, self loathing and sadness, maybe the only difference is tonight there were people here to witness. Not just people, my favorite people, why are they the ones who must see you at your worst? Everyone else gets your best. It's so funny how things end up. I guess I just wish I could speak, I'm a just a vessel filled to the brim with these feelings I can't help but feel nothing but ashamed of. I would so rather leave people guessing, then allow anyone to see the extent, the depth of this.... love.

Bleeding Rock

I am a storm

slow dark and brooding

I am only what's underneath the surface

there

is

nothing

else

"And then it began to happen out in the open"

Recommendations

"Being a part of as many unsatisfying relationships as possible.

Finding different ways to be alone.

Melted cheese.

Most dogs.

Organizing your life around things that probably won't work out.

Fucking up over and over but in new and interesting ways.

Sharing everything that you can remember about yourself.

Viewing all emotions as equal.

Seeing everyone as an attempt.

Feeling confused by the phrase be yourself.

Assuming everyone has been mistreated at various points in their life.

Letting it all hit you."

The Rug We Bought Together

The tea we bought together, the Ikea shelves we bought together, went and got from a beautiful woman from Craiglist, the gifts your parents bought for me, the curtains you bought for us, the candles I bought for you, the other rug that we bought together, the bed you gave to me, the records I ordered for you, the mirror neither of us remember getting, the map of Oakland we picked out together at Temescal Alley, the loofas we bought each other at the grocery store (believed to be thrown away), the print we found and never decided on what it was, hung it up twice anyway, the movies, the jars, the plates we got together and you said we would never need more than three, a few of the things that cannot be split in half, and I try to remind myself that it us, that we are like that.

Half

Nothing is relevant without you.

What am I supposed to do?

September Part Two