Certain Voice

he says he accepts me for who I am
hes beating himself up in the passenger seat
he has a certain voice for it I cannot describe

We Got Today

I use you because I just need to blow off some low self esteem
and you can get gone if you don't know what I mean

a homeless man's cardboard sign asks for a smile and says we got today
I forced a wince

Litter

there's kitty litter at the foot of my bed
and a dark heaviness in the depths of my head

I will never feel lonely
not even when I say goodbye to you

giving the reason I need to work on myself
I should better my health

the way that I think about you thinking about me
it skirts disgusting
and when I say you are too good, you won't believe
because you live day by day,
while I can only pretend

and I'll never make a promise again

The Searching

the searching

I couldn't quite tell
what it was
I looked everywhere for it
was it the feeling
or an action to fill the void of the sensation

all the talks and beds and errands and tasks and plans and decisions and mistakes
the conversations meaningless
the laughs forced
the music, pop music
the sex was fine, the fun was pretty good, the people were nice and mostly meant well

can you imagine just feeling it again
just thinking about it, for a moment, fills my whole body with butterflies
fills my eyes with soppy tears
fills my heart with an earth shattering sadness that can't ever mend

Finally

when I finally die for real

it will be for old times sake

DO NOT DOUBT IT

LOVE IS ENOUGH

Bank

I'd rob a bank for you bankless
even after it all became so thankless
I'd rip out my eyes if I could see you before you started living lies

I'm on a plane

on the plane I debated with myself, on a surface level, whether I should begin an adderal addiction, or a xanax dependency. I couldn't take up both (at least not at the same time) for various reasons, let alone the costs and difficulty to obtain, so would have to choose. the adderal would help with work, art and general, menial productivity, while the xanax is better suited for my personality and lifestyle, I see it deterring me from energetically excelling at work, art and general menial productivity. I thought about who to purchase these from; kaiser would be most cost effective but least reckless feeling, and a lack of control seemed attractive (especially in serious attempts to get my life in order). what is turbulence, is it clouds? why was this landing so bumpy? clouds don't even live this low. I guess sometimes things live lower than they were intended, or they, themselves intended. I want to feel so low I can call you from rock bottom and just the echo itself will shake you permanently. 

"I wanted to breathe smoke"

That Be So

  “I loved her and she killed me. That be so.
 I killed her all, too. 
The ability of sleep leaves you forever. Odd.”

Doors

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, a feral cat, and an autistic narcissist
living with myself remains to be the worst part

"I was so much younger yesterday"

mickey

Ink Soused

you're a tourist trap
you're a tar pit

we sent songs so we could sing along
it only left me wrecked
you smiled quietly for it felt wrong

I was left like a hand, ticking like a clock's

I am in oakland fighting the good fight
and you moved in with a head of rocks

a bed of lies
as fake as your new voice

it was such a simple choice

I smashed my car
you got your hair done

the labor of spoiled fruits
fingers laced in nectar, blood from your stone
wiped clean with camera flashes

you make me want to rip up flowers by their roots
you make me want burn my photographs and finally breathe in your ashes

does he know the path of your veins
ingrained in my brain
the shape of your teeth
on the tip of my tongue

almost

I was the one
repugnantly observant
I just hope that deep deep down you find it all worth it

I know those names he called you
and I've never called you anything
but perfect

Nothing Left to Steal

Stripped.

And we will all die, one day.

I need so much help