Catacombs

catacombs you dare not dare go
and you went as deep as you could
I don't regret that

Nothing and Everything Left

The year is 2017. Donald Trump is the United States president. I live on Martin Luther King Jr Way. Connor is my roommate, and I am sick of and jaded by his lack of independence. Bree is my other roommate and seems to get home after 6pm every day, microwave her popcorn, and watch shows wig her foot shut, she leaves for work before I get out of bed. She has a boyfriend or something, who I haven't really seen or spoken to. Connor is dating Christine, she's smart and informed, she's pretty, and talks with a unique drawl I am drawn to. Gaspar is doing well, he got fleas and Jae and I gave him a shower. I am no longer naive enough to believe we are not together. I have lost track of the number of months that he has been living here in my room. I don't mind, and barely attempt to keep a semblance of my privacy. It is unlike any relationship of any kind that I have had before. There is a distance and closeness that sway and balance beautifully. My friends are all doing well, Austin isn't really but I have faith that he will. I talk to Lizz every day and things seem to be as good as they could be. I go back home less. I see Alex when I do, I try to see Catherine. Leif has a girlfriend now, and I feel far from him. The tiny bond broken. I live in a much less romantic minestate constantly, now being in a relationship. Addison follows me on twitter, I made out with Blaine and haven't been thinking about it much since. Life can change so fast, and so slow. I like to think I shower more, I have a healthier detachment from food, I sleep a little more comfortable and sound. I didn't expect to meet someone so harsh and cruel, angry, at the world but not at me. He is so soft, a child like innocence in his voice and in his eyes. He doesn't scare me, but I feel powerless against his deep seated self loathing and torment. He seems fond of my innocence, the kindness I bring out in him, the selflessness. We flourish in knowing this is helping. He does my dishes, with the hands of my grandfather. I stare at the shape of his lips, the softness. He is calm, until he is not. My days are even shorter now. I struggle to clean, read, write, call people. Predictably a constant faint letdown feeling. The knowledge I am weaker alone I fear, but more of myself. He doesn't mind what I hate about myself, just like I with him. But he still hits his face hard, and I still fucking hate myself. How will this end? Don't we all wonder? Taking control is never having to guess, wait, or be fooled. I let the flow carry me like water. I let time get the best of me. I ran out of money so long ago. I tread in the water I convince others I float in. The only privacy, the only self that we have left is our thoughts, our deepest feelings kept save in our head. But computers will take those soon, too, and we will know the reality of having nothing.

what went wrong

"I thought I had you on hold"

Rabbit

 "

Killing
To dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards her or him in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.

Rabbit
To see a rabbit in your dream signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. Perhaps your sex life needs to be kept in check. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.

In particular, to see a white rabbit in your dream symbolizes faithfulness in love. The white rabbit also serves as a guide to steer you toward the right direction. To see a black rabbit in your dream refers to fear of intimacy.
" 

Every year it is the same resolution. Although a different song that I must turn off on the radio. It pains me to change the station; a physical aching in my chest. It is depriving myself of the last tiny glimmer. You. We both have our boyfriends now, easily consumed by it. Although you do not refer to him as such, for being so off and on, and I do not refer to him as such, for being so on. I never thought in a million lifetimes that I'd be telling someone like him not to touch the sweatpants that you wore. My last small relic. The gravity of knowing you touched something that I can still touch, you, who you were then, and me now, just the same. As if just my fingertips may know, you were here, as you were. Change is just an iteration of death. I mourn your light laugh, and the way that you would look at me. I somehow managed to hold the proof that we were what we were, yet if that were true we simply could not, would not be here. I can't make sense of it, and you stopped trying. All my tears  are for you, I would give you my dreams willingly, you would take them either way. I would give it all up to touch your face, but it has changed, altered from then in which I need it to still be. Would you recognize my shallow eyes, just skimming the surface.

Top 20 of 2016

Moonlight
Arrival
A Bigger Splash
American Honey
Knight of Cups
The Handmaiden
Jackie
La La Land
Blue Jay
Equals
Manchester By The Sea
12 Cloverfield Lane
Midnight Special
The Lobster
The Light Between Oceans
13th
Fences
Swiss Army Man



to see:
Voyage of Time
Loving
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Lion
Hacksaw Ridge
20th Century Women
Elle
Hidden Figures
Tower
I Am Not Your Negro
Fire at Sea
Doctor Strange
Paterson
The Invitation
OJ Made in America
When the Bough Breaks 
Goat 
A Kind of Murder
Creative Control
Things to Come
 Cemetery of Splendor
Maggie's plan

last night I was in a room 

and the only person I am sure that was there with me was my brother

your brother came in too

I exclaimed his name

we grinned equally as wide

soon after 

you glided into the frame

you were wearing black, I remember

you did not sit down

I guessed this was because there were

other people on the couch with me

I scooted to my right,

making almost enough room for you next to me

I asked if you would sit there

you said "that is where I wanted to sit"

this made me happier than I can recall

being in the last couple of years in my waking life

I examined your apartment at one point,

this was from afar

but I realized you lived as I did, now

just a bit nicer

as I drove to work "baby I'm amazed by the way I feel for you"

came on the radio

you used to love this song

normally my cue to change the station

today I turned it up

I thought about you for that whole song

and the following song, too

it felt

really, really good 

next time I see you

I will smile so fucking big

my teeth will start to fall out 

and I will realize

I'm dreaming 

again

Reading II

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, and a feral cat
living with myself remains to be the worst part

I wanna be in your bedroom

all blankets and drapes and candles and trees

the soft light would clean us

but we are pure already

because we are with each other

this is quieter than silence

this is how the world was meant to be

the soft light would clean us

but we are already pure

because I am with you

I wanna be in your bed 

when you were a kid

you climbed the lion gate at the zoo, they found you swinging your legs over the edge

when you were a kid

you thought boys should be able to adjust themselves any time any place

when you were a kid

you made your mom bring you cake while you played video games

when I was a kid

I was too scared to swim in the lake at summer camp

when I was a kid

I got sick at the sight of blood and had to be sent home from school

when I was a kid

I hid under my mom's dresses when she ran into people she knew at the store

I saw you and I knew

I refrained from holding your hand that very first night

it's been a tough time for us all

the lucky, the unlucky, the privileged, the desperate

we found each other lost, and poor, and tired

we smiled and laughed and talked and slept and drove and lived

I found out that everyone is just trying to make sure their friends know they love them

that we are all just trying to keep this job

that we are all trying to eat vegetables and go on walks

we are all trying to finish that book, and pick up our clothes

get home without harassment and sleep eight hours a night

we are all just trying to get through that yellow light safely

Yellow Light

when you were a kid
you climbed the lion gate at the zoo, they found you swinging your legs over the edge

when you were a kid
you thought boys should be able to adjust themselves any time any place

when you were a kid
you made your mom bring you cake while you played video games

when I was a kid
I was too scared to swim in the lake at summer camp

when I was a kid
I got sick at the sight of blood and had to he sent home from school

when I was a kid
I hid under my mom's dresses when she ran into people she knew at the store

I saw you and I knew

I refrained from holding your hand that very first night

it's been a tough time for us all

the lucky, the unlucky, the privileged, the desperate

we found each other lost, and poor, and tired

we smiled and laughed and talked and slept and drove and lived

I found out that everyone is just trying to make sure their friends know they love them

that we are all just trying to keep this job

that we are all trying to eat vegetables and go on walks

we are all trying to finish that book, and pick up our clothes

get home without harassment and sleep eight hours a night

we are all just trying to get through that yellow light safely

Reading

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, a feral cat, and an autistic narcissist
living with myself remains to be the worst part




we dance to my beat of a dead horse

disparages

marriages

noncommittal with an aversion

to such a perversion 

non-persuasive

invasive

I want space if

we can still be as close as two humans can possibly be

I want to love you so incredibly deeply

but only barely more than you love me



I wanna be in your bedroom

all blankets and drapes and candles and trees

the soft light would clean us

but we are pure already

because we are with each other

this is quieter than silence

this is how the world was meant to be

the soft light would clean us

but we are already pure

because I am with you

I wanna be in your bed




once i see that my 25oz mineral water contains salt, it tastes like ocean water and i am ill
i spent an hour on your website last night and almost filled out the form section, to tell you i am still in love with you
also to tell you that i know you are still in love with me, too, because you screenshot my snapchat
i stayed up late talking to a peripheral friend on tumblr, recommending him netflix movies while he is on vicodin
he said he started the one that i told him was my favorite, then sent another message saying it "made you feel lonely"
i wanted to correct him, and say made HIM feel lonely, but did not respond
all the flowers at work are dying and i put my coffee that i drank from back in the pot
i hope my coworkers do not drink from it, but don't really care if they do

i got my nails done for twelve dollars this weekend
as cliche as it may sound, glitter reminds me that life can be okay
and i can be happy again
he lays on my floor, and i ask him what we are going to do
we both decide to sleep instead
in four days i might see you and the sound of your voice will feel like
the sun on my face after a very long rain

And That's Fine Because I Would Do The Same

"I chose to believe every word I was fed
And I thought the coals on my back were a product
Of the lack you left when you stepped back
And racked your brain for a reason to stay,
But you could not seem to formulate any such thought in your head.

So you left with nothing more than a reason you kept silent
And my mind would riot stuck in self-perpetuated mental violence
And dreams kept private.
The ambition to fix this wish list of selfish misfit realist missions
Contained within a vision of wishful thinking
And sinking deep into a new bit of
Misproportioned emotions leaking through a seeping truth
Constructed by my need to feel important
When you would look back and think
Of all the little things that you regret.
I just wanted you to think of me when you think back
To all those little things that you regret.

I spent so much time convincing myself that the rest of this mess
That I stressed within this relationship was a product of the world’s oppressions,
Not my deep desire to be needed.
And it’s hard to admit but I guess I’ve come to terms with the fact
That I just want to be needed,
And I convinced myself that I needed to be needed.
And if that was true, I would still be smiling
Like you still today but for different reasons.

I chose to dismiss the possible instance
That the lips I love to kiss could form the words goodbye
And it was a simple lie but I told it to you
And like the captain of a sinking ship choosing to believe
The bottom of the ocean was a better source of oxygen.
It’s so nice and I still chose to believe I misinterpreted your dialect 
And everything you said about it.
Your diction, your diatribe, posture, body language and connotations,
All pointed in the same direction
The selection of contingent messages postponed until further notice 
Because I was ashamed to admit the problem
And pretend your happiness came from me
And that your happiness was important.

But we aborted the sorted truths we once distorted
When I saw the shape of your dress when you wore it.
And that was enough until it wasn’t
And that’s when you finally felt supported.
So the others courted you and you mentally recorded
And endorsed the force perform of compliments you received came in
And you felt empowered enough to take your final bow
And find love within the arms of another instead of this heart of mine."

"I could never just forget her
but she could try"

"i was walkin with my neck out 
some ways i wish i was 
was walkin with my neck out in some ways that i wish that i was 
out on the bevel of sound it sounds like everything else 
you'll know it when you hear it cuz u know the way my voice felt 
ignore my tone & everything i sing i sing for me 
ignore the phone on your bed it rings it rings it rings
shirt collar ringin me out & my collar bone got all red
& already severing prose i wrote so i sing instead
i hold you put your neck out tell me the ways you wish you were
keep your confidence sound, your hook my eye my spur
so when i went to hang out, i hung behind your eyes
but my eyes still flicker with doubt
quickly o i cant decide
i'm tapped out
don't it always seem to go that
you could hold it right in your hands collapsing & still not know
(your hands' collapse & still not know)

say what it is
say how it is with everybody i know
i've got no temper for that
i send you this
cadmium red, one for every layer i shed
& i shed one layer for thisss
say what it is
it's so impossible
but if i just say what it is
it tends to sublimate away
when i was looking to drop
my life away

more every year
i shine light on edges i tried to unfeel
but we've gotta do better than that
some sortin out
so i'll be sittin on the outskirts if you wanna talk about it
things in there were just gettin so loud

say what it is
it's so impossible
but i just say what it is
it tends to sublimate away
when i was looking to drop
my life away"

low selfesteemy

  i thought i would die from the wetness behind my ears
  i am never alone anymore
  undereducated
  low self esteem 
  it's been so many years
  i've never answered a question without a stutter
  i've never met a mistake i didn't like
  and i'm twenty five
  and i still love to lie


      "i spent six year following your trail"

how do people sleep? I've forgotten how to.
I slept three nights last night and dreamt I was wooing you, each night.

what's worse?


I enjoy our time together however I can get it these days. This saddens me, but what doesn't.

Dreams Last

"I saw a movie, it just was wasn't the same
cause it was happy and I was sad
it made me miss you oh so bad
dreams last for so long

even after you're gone

I know you love me"