we said we were sorry

  In my dream he told me that he did not know what I was feeling. For the first time in my life i responded that I did not know either.

lorem ipsum

"But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing of a pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?
[33] On the other hand, we denounce with righteous indignation and dislike men who are so beguiled and demoralized by the charms of pleasure of the moment, so blinded by desire, that they cannot foresee the pain and trouble that are bound to ensue; and equal blame belongs to those who fail in their duty through weakness of will, which is the same as saying through shrinking from toil and pain. These cases are perfectly simple and easy to distinguish. In a free hour, when our power of choice is untrammeled and when nothing prevents our being able to do what we like best, every pleasure is to be welcomed and every pain avoided. But in certain circumstances and owing to the claims of duty or the obligations of business it will frequently occur that pleasures have to be repudiated and annoyances accepted. The wise man therefore always holds in these matters to this principle of selection: he rejects pleasures to secure other greater pleasures, or else he endures pains to avoid worse pains."

"Fear of failure, fear of success is nothing more than a convenient excuse for fear of responsibility and discipline. The means to an end is like an arrow to a target; it must be focused and intentional. If you don’t hit the target, you try again and again until you do. Each attempt building on the last. Life’s bouquet of experiences requires the same attention. If an area of your life is problematic and you refuse to do anything about it or accept responsibility for it, how do you expect it to change. Conversely, just because you do, do something about it, doesn’t mean it’ll change to meet your expectations. Managing life sometimes requires managing expectations. Something you’re involved with is not producing the way you’d like, and while this is frustrating, it is also character building. Take some time to observe yourself and notice what is out of balance. Is there something your overdoing so as to avoid facing something else. You may need to shift your responsibilities or refine your expectations in order to get the results you are looking for."

I can't go home
I can't have things be weird with you

does my cat dream in english
does my cat dream in english

I love spending time with you on weekends
and the weekdays too but differently

someday I will give him the sweater I got him that I wear to bed
then he can wear it out in public instead

Catacombs

catacombs you dare not dare go
and you went as deep as you could
I don't regret that

Nothing and Everything Left

The year is 2017. Donald Trump is the United States president. I live on Martin Luther King Jr Way. Connor is my roommate, and I am sick of and jaded by his lack of independence. Bree is my other roommate and seems to get home after 6pm every day, microwave her popcorn, and watch shows wig her foot shut, she leaves for work before I get out of bed. She has a boyfriend or something, who I haven't really seen or spoken to. Connor is dating Christine, she's smart and informed, she's pretty, and talks with a unique drawl I am drawn to. Gaspar is doing well, he got fleas and Jae and I gave him a shower. I am no longer naive enough to believe we are not together. I have lost track of the number of months that he has been living here in my room. I don't mind, and barely attempt to keep a semblance of my privacy. It is unlike any relationship of any kind that I have had before. There is a distance and closeness that sway and balance beautifully. My friends are all doing well, Austin isn't really but I have faith that he will. I talk to Lizz every day and things seem to be as good as they could be. I go back home less. I see Alex when I do, I try to see Catherine. Leif has a girlfriend now, and I feel far from him. The tiny bond broken. I live in a much less romantic minestate constantly, now being in a relationship. Addison follows me on twitter, I made out with Blaine and haven't been thinking about it much since. Life can change so fast, and so slow. I like to think I shower more, I have a healthier detachment from food, I sleep a little more comfortable and sound. I didn't expect to meet someone so harsh and cruel, angry, at the world but not at me. He is so soft, a child like innocence in his voice and in his eyes. He doesn't scare me, but I feel powerless against his deep seated self loathing and torment. He seems fond of my innocence, the kindness I bring out in him, the selflessness. We flourish in knowing this is helping. He does my dishes, with the hands of my grandfather. I stare at the shape of his lips, the softness. He is calm, until he is not. My days are even shorter now. I struggle to clean, read, write, call people. Predictably a constant faint letdown feeling. The knowledge I am weaker alone I fear, but more of myself. He doesn't mind what I hate about myself, just like I with him. But he still hits his face hard, and I still fucking hate myself. How will this end? Don't we all wonder? Taking control is never having to guess, wait, or be fooled. I let the flow carry me like water. I let time get the best of me. I ran out of money so long ago. I tread in the water I convince others I float in. The only privacy, the only self that we have left is our thoughts, our deepest feelings kept save in our head. But computers will take those soon, too, and we will know the reality of having nothing.

what went wrong

"I thought I had you on hold"

Rabbit

 "

Killing
To dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards her or him in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.

Rabbit
To see a rabbit in your dream signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. Perhaps your sex life needs to be kept in check. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.

In particular, to see a white rabbit in your dream symbolizes faithfulness in love. The white rabbit also serves as a guide to steer you toward the right direction. To see a black rabbit in your dream refers to fear of intimacy.
" 

Every year it is the same resolution. Although a different song that I must turn off on the radio. It pains me to change the station; a physical aching in my chest. It is depriving myself of the last tiny glimmer. You. We both have our boyfriends now, easily consumed by it. Although you do not refer to him as such, for being so off and on, and I do not refer to him as such, for being so on. I never thought in a million lifetimes that I'd be telling someone like him not to touch the sweatpants that you wore. My last small relic. The gravity of knowing you touched something that I can still touch, you, who you were then, and me now, just the same. As if just my fingertips may know, you were here, as you were. Change is just an iteration of death. I mourn your light laugh, and the way that you would look at me. I somehow managed to hold the proof that we were what we were, yet if that were true we simply could not, would not be here. I can't make sense of it, and you stopped trying. All my tears  are for you, I would give you my dreams willingly, you would take them either way. I would give it all up to touch your face, but it has changed, altered from then in which I need it to still be. Would you recognize my shallow eyes, just skimming the surface.

Top 20 of 2016

Moonlight
Arrival
A Bigger Splash
American Honey
Knight of Cups
The Handmaiden
Jackie
La La Land
Blue Jay
Equals
Manchester By The Sea
12 Cloverfield Lane
Midnight Special
The Lobster
The Light Between Oceans
13th
Fences
Swiss Army Man



to see:
Voyage of Time
Loving
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Lion
Hacksaw Ridge
20th Century Women
Elle
Hidden Figures
Tower
I Am Not Your Negro
Fire at Sea
Doctor Strange
Paterson
The Invitation
OJ Made in America
When the Bough Breaks 
Goat 
A Kind of Murder
Creative Control
Things to Come
 Cemetery of Splendor
Maggie's plan

last night I was in a room 

and the only person I am sure that was there with me was my brother

your brother came in too

I exclaimed his name

we grinned equally as wide

soon after 

you glided into the frame

you were wearing black, I remember

you did not sit down

I guessed this was because there were

other people on the couch with me

I scooted to my right,

making almost enough room for you next to me

I asked if you would sit there

you said "that is where I wanted to sit"

this made me happier than I can recall

being in the last couple of years in my waking life

I examined your apartment at one point,

this was from afar

but I realized you lived as I did, now

just a bit nicer

as I drove to work "baby I'm amazed by the way I feel for you"

came on the radio

you used to love this song

normally my cue to change the station

today I turned it up

I thought about you for that whole song

and the following song, too

it felt

really, really good 

next time I see you

I will smile so fucking big

my teeth will start to fall out 

and I will realize

I'm dreaming 

again

Reading II

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, and a feral cat
living with myself remains to be the worst part

I wanna be in your bedroom

all blankets and drapes and candles and trees

the soft light would clean us

but we are pure already

because we are with each other

this is quieter than silence

this is how the world was meant to be

the soft light would clean us

but we are already pure

because I am with you

I wanna be in your bed 

when you were a kid

you climbed the lion gate at the zoo, they found you swinging your legs over the edge

when you were a kid

you thought boys should be able to adjust themselves any time any place

when you were a kid

you made your mom bring you cake while you played video games

when I was a kid

I was too scared to swim in the lake at summer camp

when I was a kid

I got sick at the sight of blood and had to be sent home from school

when I was a kid

I hid under my mom's dresses when she ran into people she knew at the store

I saw you and I knew

I refrained from holding your hand that very first night

it's been a tough time for us all

the lucky, the unlucky, the privileged, the desperate

we found each other lost, and poor, and tired

we smiled and laughed and talked and slept and drove and lived

I found out that everyone is just trying to make sure their friends know they love them

that we are all just trying to keep this job

that we are all trying to eat vegetables and go on walks

we are all trying to finish that book, and pick up our clothes

get home without harassment and sleep eight hours a night

we are all just trying to get through that yellow light safely

Yellow Light

when you were a kid
you climbed the lion gate at the zoo, they found you swinging your legs over the edge

when you were a kid
you thought boys should be able to adjust themselves any time any place

when you were a kid
you made your mom bring you cake while you played video games

when I was a kid
I was too scared to swim in the lake at summer camp

when I was a kid
I got sick at the sight of blood and had to he sent home from school

when I was a kid
I hid under my mom's dresses when she ran into people she knew at the store

I saw you and I knew

I refrained from holding your hand that very first night

it's been a tough time for us all

the lucky, the unlucky, the privileged, the desperate

we found each other lost, and poor, and tired

we smiled and laughed and talked and slept and drove and lived

I found out that everyone is just trying to make sure their friends know they love them

that we are all just trying to keep this job

that we are all trying to eat vegetables and go on walks

we are all trying to finish that book, and pick up our clothes

get home without harassment and sleep eight hours a night

we are all just trying to get through that yellow light safely

Reading

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, a feral cat, and an autistic narcissist
living with myself remains to be the worst part




we dance to my beat of a dead horse

disparages

marriages

noncommittal with an aversion

to such a perversion 

non-persuasive

invasive

I want space if

we can still be as close as two humans can possibly be

I want to love you so incredibly deeply

but only barely more than you love me



I wanna be in your bedroom

all blankets and drapes and candles and trees

the soft light would clean us

but we are pure already

because we are with each other

this is quieter than silence

this is how the world was meant to be

the soft light would clean us

but we are already pure

because I am with you

I wanna be in your bed




once i see that my 25oz mineral water contains salt, it tastes like ocean water and i am ill
i spent an hour on your website last night and almost filled out the form section, to tell you i am still in love with you
also to tell you that i know you are still in love with me, too, because you screenshot my snapchat
i stayed up late talking to a peripheral friend on tumblr, recommending him netflix movies while he is on vicodin
he said he started the one that i told him was my favorite, then sent another message saying it "made you feel lonely"
i wanted to correct him, and say made HIM feel lonely, but did not respond
all the flowers at work are dying and i put my coffee that i drank from back in the pot
i hope my coworkers do not drink from it, but don't really care if they do

i got my nails done for twelve dollars this weekend
as cliche as it may sound, glitter reminds me that life can be okay
and i can be happy again
he lays on my floor, and i ask him what we are going to do
we both decide to sleep instead
in four days i might see you and the sound of your voice will feel like
the sun on my face after a very long rain