"I wanted to breathe smoke"

That Be So

  “I loved her and she killed me. That be so.
 I killed her all, too. 
The ability of sleep leaves you forever. Odd.”

Doors

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, a feral cat, and an autistic narcissist
living with myself remains to be the worst part

"I was so much younger yesterday"

mickey

Ink Soused

you're a tourist trap
you're a tar pit

we sent songs so we could sing along
it only left me wrecked
you smiled quietly for it felt wrong

I was left like a hand, ticking like a clock's

I am in oakland fighting the good fight
and you moved in with a head of rocks

a bed of lies
as fake as your new voice

it was such a simple choice

I smashed my car
you got your hair done

the labor of spoiled fruits
fingers laced in nectar, blood from your stone
wiped clean with camera flashes

you make me want to rip up flowers by their roots
you make me want burn my photographs and finally breathe in your ashes

does he know the path of your veins
ingrained in my brain
the shape of your teeth
on the tip of my tongue

almost

I was the one
repugnantly observant
I just hope that deep deep down you find it all worth it

I know those names he called you
and I've never called you anything
but perfect

Nothing Left to Steal

Stripped.

And we will all die, one day.

I need so much help

Stripped

Aquarius – Death (Queen of Pentacles)
"
Stripping away all that is superfluous is what makes space for new growth. In your attachment to what you’re losing, you may overlook all that you’ve gained. If you hold too tightly to something or someone, you will inevitably lose either that object or your self-respect. You must trust that you’re capable of managing under any circumstance. Instead of forcing your way, be patient and observe. This month promises a natural experience of transition, and as your environment changes, so does your philosophy. This is the magic of self-renewal: within every ending is an opportunity for starting over.
"

Queen of Pentacles

• (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
• Connected with sensuality of the body and what is needed to preserve and nurture it.
• Sustaining and conserving energy and material resources, particularly by making  good use of practical talents or creativity.
• Accepting responsibility and being fair in business while giving help of a practical nature. Dependence, possessiveness, resistance to change, lazy, and territorial.
• If  the Queen relates to a situation, it is stable and connected to values.

• Death

• Transformation of form.
• Ending of a cycle beginning of new.
• Shedding of old ways.
• Giving up destructive attitudes.
• Ego death, end of attachments.

my hobbies include portrait tattoos and nervous animals

Far Bruised

I take my paxil, and plan b shortly after.
depression and sex, not worth their side effects, but nonetheless, two things that I've been told on numerous occasions are part of life.

he doesn't like when I touch his hair, but I do it anyway.
he says he hates the asymmetry of his face.
he smells like smoke and I smell like toothpaste.
we do not taste the same.
until we do.
we kiss for hours, and when I fall asleep all I can do is hope he does too.
he cries at the movie on saturday, I cry at the movie on sunday.
he tells me that he likes my outsides, and my insides, but not in a gross way.
he has had two honda civics in a row and so have I.

when we wake up he tells me he had dreams of working, sometimes I also have dreams about him working.

the beginning and the end spiral into one and this is every relationship we ever had and did not have.

there are blood bruises on my neck.

but we were far bruised before this.

Remiscent

"Picture Frame
To see or place a picture in a picture frame in your dream represents a wish to have a current situation or relationship remain the same as it is now. You dread change. Perhaps you are reminiscing of the past. Consider what is depicted on the picture for additional significance. Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on "being framed" for something. Is someone in your walking life undermining or working against you?"

"when she tells me that she loves me
there's a pause that means in spite of everything

and i know she really does but that i'm not the man
that i swore i would be

and the questions that i've asked, they are the source of my undoing
but i can't decide between a lie
and that black nothing"

You said you wouldn't and you fucking did

"I miss you when I can't sleep
or right after coffee
or right when I can't eat
I miss you in my front seat
still got sand in my sweaters
from nights we don't remember
do you miss me like I miss you?
fucked around and got attached to you
friends can break your heart too,
and I'm always tired but never of you

if I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
oh oh, keep it on the low
you're still in love with me but your friends don't know
if you wanted me you would just say so
and if I were you, I would never let me go"

"sometimes i just want to dance and feel good"