Precarious

pre·car·i·ous/priˈke(ə)rēəs/

Adjective:

Not securely held or in position; dangerously likely to fall or collapse. Dependent on chance; uncertain. pre·car·i·ous   [pri-kair-ee-uhs] adjective 1. dependent on circumstances beyond one's control;uncertain; unstable; insecure: a precarious livelihood. 2. dependent on the will or pleasure of another; liable to bewithdrawn or lost at the will of another: He held a precarious tenure under an arbitrary administration. 4. having insufficient, little, or no foundation: a precarious assumption. precarious  (prɪˈkɛərɪəs)    — adj 1. liable to failure or catastrophe; insecure; perilous 2. archaic  dependent on another's will

How Does

“It Is not as if an ‘I’ exists independently over here and then simply loses a ‘you’ over there… if I lose you, under these conditions, then I not only mourn the loss, but I become inscrutable to myself. Who am ‘I’ without you? When we lose some of these by which we are constituted, we do not know who we are or what to do. On one level, I think I have lost ‘you’ only to discover that ’I’ have gone missing as well. At another level, perhaps what I have lost ‘in’ you… is a relationality that is composed neither exclusively of myself nor you, but is to be conceived as the tie by which those terms are differentiated and related … Our cultural frames for thinking the human set limits on the kinds of losses we can avow as loss. After all, if someone is lost, and that person is not someone, then what and where is the loss, and how does mourning take place?”

"What grief displays, in contrast, is the thrall in which our relations with others hold us, in ways that we cannot always recount or explain, in ways that often interrupt the self conscious account of ourselves we might try to provide, in ways that challenge the very notion of ourselves ads autonomous and in control… My narrative falters, as it must. 

Let’s face it, we’re undone by each other, and if we’re not, we’re missing something…

This seems so clearly the case with grief, but it can only be so because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. One may want to, or manage to for a while, but despite one’s best efforts, on is undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, the the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of the touch, by the memory of the feel."

“When we lose certain people, or when we are dispossessed from a place, or a community, we may simply feel that we are undergoing something temporary, that mourning will be over and some restoration of prior order will be achieved. But maybe when we undergo what we do, something about who we are is revealed, something that delineates the ties we have to others, that shows us that these ties constitute what we are, ties or bonds that compose us. It is not as if an ‘I’ exists independently over here and then simply loses a ‘you’ over there, especially if the attachment to ‘you’ is part of what composes who ‘I’ am. If I lose you, under these conditions, then I not only mourn the loss, but I become inscrutable to myself. Who ‘am’ I, without you? When we lose some of these ties by which we are constituted, we do not know who we are or what to do. On one level, I think I have lost ‘you’ only to discover that ‘I’ have gone missing as well. At another level, perhaps what I have lost ‘in’ you, that for which I have no ready vocabulary, is a relationship that is composed neither exclusively of myself nor you, but is to be conceived as the tie by which those terms are differentiated and related.”

Due To Lack Of Interest

"I WANT THIS TO BE LIKE AN EPIC FIGHT BETWEEN TWO OF THE BEST, BY THE END OF IT YOU CAN'T HELP BUT BE THANKFUL THAT THERE WAS SOMEONE GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU BRING OUT YOUR BEST, WHICH ISN'T SEEN FOR YEARS AT A TIME."

We Think Like That

I coulda sworn you said hang in there, right before hanging up, 
and I may question each and every friendship (as why they'd be friends with me) 
but will never doubt you, as family.

Blood Right

I drowned this in a floodlight
you said this can't last, 
as I brought blood right
to the surface of the bruises of your past

Faith

my trust
stolen from me
as if it were
in actuality
worth something
stripped and shredded
as if it were intentionally
as if I were to really learn
what hesitancy means


now there is a division
between the right now
and when I still believed
apply what I learned
diligently
and weary of the night time;
my magnetism
towards all things
emotionally depreciating

Understanding

In the cold I felt my breath, as much as I could see

and you carved us simplistically into a tree

as in maybe

like I had been just waiting for you

you'd been waiting for me

Flourishing

I have put an extrodanary amount of symbolism and significance in this plant. I have seen it as something that is fragile and weak, something I need to take care of and tend to, due to previous neglect and abandonment. The plant, I thought, was forgotten not merely by its previous owner, but by my selfish self and I wanted to do everything I could to heal and love it. I moved it to a cooler place, prune its brown dying leaves and parts, I watered it meticulously. I spent a lot of time not only caring for this plant, but projecting so many ridiculous things onto it about myself and relationships. I remember one day that I even told myself that the pant was fine, and I was actually manicuring and tending to it down to nothing. I worried for this plants life, anticipating its untimely death, and praying for its revival and strength. There were many occasions I just stood there worrying for it, wishing I could do more, maybe give it more sun or move it outdoors, make it happier. I remember thinking if I couldn't fix and care take this plant it was proof of myself as a neglecting failure. No matter the struggle and effort, this plant remained wilted and withering, deep green in parts, but my concern grew for its blemishes. As time went on I wondered often if I should cut more of its dead parts off, does it need more maintenance or help. I suspected this plant was interchangeable for every friendship I'd ever had. You're truly yourself in every situation. Before I trimmed and tore more of its long leaves, my dad happened to bring it up, and take a look at it. I said I tried all I could, but it was dying, just inevitably dying, to which he responded that this plants grows naturally, just like that, just as it was. It was good that I watered it from time to time, but this plant in particular has yellowing and brownish tints just because its like that. He told me not to worry about it. And I suspecting my clipping and snipping, my dismay and sadness, all hindered this plant more than anything. This dread will kill it.

You're Both Children

Children.


"I AM YOUNG!" He yells boldly. And when she called us children, oh how we would never disagree.

December

And December came
with more force and velocity
than August.
Who knew it could be like that? 
Emotions ran higher
than the water,
I've been babbling about.
Still learning.
Nothing else is still.

Speculations

"VERY few people will take their mask off for you.


All I can do is speculate."

Thank You

"And, I'd be lying if I said all of this
made even the slightest fragment of sense to me
That's real... Simply put
I don't know what happened, or what's still happening
I literally feel like I'm teetering on the blunt edge of my sanity
I killed the robots and I'm sorry
Broke down in front of you, embarrassed
but you lent a heart and hand that only you could
you're one of my best friends and yes I'd take that bullet for you
That's my word, which is about all I have left


(for the late night movie rentals and the company I needed
An' you knew it, but I just wouldn't admit it
You listened to me blab about my issues for hours
Offer incredible advice, gave me a hug when I was finished
Am I a jack of all trades? Nope... I like to write songs though
Are they good? I dunno..
But I could tell you that I only write shit down when I believe it
So take this how you want, but know I mean it
I want you all to know that I'm scared
Out my fuckin' crooked soul and never faced a monster like the last few months
ever in my whole life... I wish I could explain this better (I can't)
But the pieces won't formulate it to anything even close to cohesive
So I guess this is my feeble way to thank you
Four soldiers that extended something sacred off the purity of kindness
I owe you all my life and please don't argue with that statement


I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have soaked this out from all angles, walking through time
I have been over everything in my head, still I can't think anymore
But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there
to breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die
Thank you for helping me to not die)"

Like Crazy

A good movie should send you reeling. You're not sure whether to talk about it afterwards; to tell everyone you know to go experience this special treasure, or to keep it private and sacred. During a good movie I am trying not to smile, and trying not to cry. A good allows me to cry as well as grin because it feels appropriate, and right. You can connect to a good movie, as if they understood it better than you did, just the right amount. A good movie is personal, and you watch your self revealed whether explained or not. A good movie you can feel inside your chest, your heart actually feels full, or sore. A good movie can't keep you away, because you desire to feel all those things again, and as often as possible. The truths and themes of a good movie are so important, and important to you, that you want that movie to be constantly playing just to remind you of its purpose. A good movie will be misunderstood, and you will take all comments and criticisms totally to heart, because they are truly attacking and misunderstanding you as a human. A good movie brings upon a feeling that can only be described as love, and makes you want to go out and act upon this movie, because you realize the potential of your entire life. A good movie hurts, because it was the way that you wanted something to go, or because it was the way that it went. It makes you recall things you hadn't in a long time, or maybe even ever before. It makes you want to share certain moments with certain people so they see you and your feelings, view your emotions on the screen simple and true. A good movie has you so absorbed, you are taking in every single thing that you possibly can, and wish you were able to take in even more. Its details make you so genuinely happy, and it is perfect in its flaws and imperfections. You don't want a good movie to end, and time isn't even really real when you're watching it, it is the time within the movie only. A good movie you want to remember, and never forget any of it, and never stop watching, and always live by, and adhere to its morals because it was a good movie which means your life has the potential, to be good.

How I'm Composed

i guess i believed i'd fall far from this family tree
a group of people sick to their stomach with nerves and neuroses
myself


all deriving from my dead beat-ing a horse dad
reminding me the same thing as often as he was able
that he was never capable of loving me


or my mom, moving to an island 
just to physically display her isolation from us
you always believe your parents
even and especially when they tell you you aren't able to do things
like laugh that i can't ride an airplane, or bicycle 


with you
it was all so sensory, i was able to feel it then, how i knew it would end - cold turkey
like the day after thanksgiving
realizing we'll probably never have another holiday together again


like my ability and tendency to lose hold of everything 
once it means something
and how i can hardly one night stand that any more


or the drinks, weed, and pills, everything i swore off and avoided
sticking to me like magnets
this is all the opposite of what i wanted

I Need To Fix This

in·hib·it  (n-hbt) tr.v. in·hib·it·ed, in·hib·it·ing, in·hib·its 1. To hold back; restrain. See Synonyms at restrain. 2. To prohibit; forbid. 3. Psychology To suppress or restrain (behavior, an impulse, or a desire) consciously or unconsciously.

adj

Definition: very shy
Antonyms: aggressive, bold, extrovert, forward, immodest, self-confident, uninhibited

Definition of INHIBIT

transitive verb

1

: to prohibit from doing something

2

a : to hold in check : restrainb : to discourage from free or spontaneous activity especially through the operation of inner psychological or external social constraints

in·hib·it·ed/inˈhibitid/

Adjective:

Unable to act in a relaxed and natural way because of self-consciousness or mental restraint.

Examples of INHIBIT

1. You shouldn't allow fear of failure to inhibit you.
2. He was inhibited by modesty.
3. Fear can inhibit people from expressing their opinions.

in·hib·it·ed

  [in-hib-i-tid] 

adjective

1.

overly restrained.

2.

Psychology . suffering from inhibition.