Not Sensitive This Time

he said stop trying to make me feel better about what I did

all I have ever wanted is for my feelings to be justified

But Everything All Collapsed

I have nothing to say aside from how truly scared I am.

I realize how ridiculous it is to write about how my friends party too much
about how my parents don't care
and how I don't know what to be when I grow up.

I had a night dream that I finished this on the anniversary of my birth
and that all came full circle
for the first time in my life.

I had a day dream, that in the rain my car tires slid 
and I thought about you at my hospital bed side
just like you would think about 
coming to it.

Sometimes It Isn't About Me

I missed you tonight
in the way that people are supposed to miss other people
where songs hurt your chest
and you just know that you would be happier if they were there

^{(oh but it's always about me)}

How

 "I'd sing you a song
 and love you
 if I knew how."

Continuum

 

I'm Still Learning How

"I drove home on the same old roads, and watched your ghosts dance from the causeway. And I know that everyone that I love will someday come back to haunt me. So I lie with people I hate because it was meant to be. I watched everything walk away as the summer sun set beneath the autumn leaves, and I couldn't help but smile. Fourteen years have passed with the same old stony faced grin. I'm still learning how to laugh, I'm still learning how the swim. Looking back at all these hazy eyes, the cracked up teeth, and the crooked smiles made everything suddenly seem worth it. For a minute I was trying to say to you that the rain could wash us all away. When the sun swallows the earth, I'll be rejoicing. This is what made me learn to stand tall in the face of every condescending failure. But now I'm standing up in the face of failure. And I still remember every time I cried..." 

 "But you caught me when I was running; you took me away from everything. I can't do this everyday. I'm looking for a way to say that I'm looking for a way to stay. So just stay the fuck away..."

Petty Drama Comfort

"It's like making a dead body dance with us, like YOU'RE HAVING FUN, RIGHT?"

"Once a snake always a snake."

Selective honesty, and the only thing that feels worse than careless betrayal would have to be when you are already expecting it, and it blindsides you anyway.

"What bothered Rant was the fake, bullshit nature of everything."

Vainglorious

"I still miss you. I only miss you when I want to. I only miss you."

I am so sick of this magical thinking bullshit. Everything is predictable and fated because everyone is so them in their their-ness. How egomaniacal of me, to conceive that I had any control of anything or anyone aside from myself, and self-depreicating; to forfeit all self-control. Convenient. Energy does not make a lasting impression, does not hang people up, hold them back; events do, situations do, feelings do, thoughts do. The only preordained thing in this world is dna and genetics, the only coincidences probably go utterly unnoticed. Humans are independent, separate entities, with detached thoughts and feelings. Society has ingrained a false idea of mutual-ness, that is in reality, unobtainable. I coveted for so long, the romantic notion that there were intangible, unseen ties, that bonded two people, magic, love. I believed so strongly in love, and all that it entailed for me, that I began to consider God, and unprecievable realms, that nothing before me was how it seemed, or was. I relished, and writhed in my day-dreamy wishful thinking. I know now that the only thing making a person hold importance within me, is myself, putting them on their pedestal. No higher power, or greater plan is keeping me in the places and positions that I am in, for some destiny that only appears convoluted in the moment. It is confusing to me though, how I was so clouded by optimism when it was so incredibly dark and pessimistic. What do I even want? I am writing this to remind myself that I find a very real enjoyment in placing the blame where it should not be placed; on myself, and on others, in all the wrong moments. Half of me wants to believe that my body is a temporary vessel for my beautiful everlasting soul, and half of me knows we'll all end up dirt or ashes. All of me hates my overwrought struggling with such cliche and contrived subjects. If psychics can be partially incorrect, are they psychic? If religions can be outdated, is law? Furthermore, if I believe in evolution, what did I evolve from? Anyway, the point of all this is that I hope and anticipate executing my life in a self-reliant way. There are a million things that I could accuse for a million different things, but I needed to be reminded, and often do, that I am half my mother, and half my father. Only I can make my own life a worth while one. After all of my self created misfortune, I presume that I just got bitter, too bitter in fact, to feel any longer that this was all just planned within the mediocre stars. Sure, maybe the moon is affecting us all, the waves, the water. The agonizing over how things were spectacular when they were once surreal has got to end, the memory of living within the moment is indeed fading over the years, of not doing so.

"Nothing magic lasts."

 (I may never recover from being born, then again, I have been known to blow things out of proportion...) 

Sensing

"Remote viewing (RV) is the practice of seeking impressions about a distant or unseen target using paranormal means, in particular, extra-sensory perception (ESP) or "sensing with mind". Unlike traditional psychic practices, remote viewers use physical models to organize their alleged extra-sensory perceptions and to stabilized the virtual umwelt. Scientific studies have been conducted; some earlier, less sophisticated experiments produced positive results but they had invalidating flaws, and none of the newer experiments had positive results when under properly controlled conditions. The scientific community rejects remote viewing due to the absence of an evidence base, the lack of a theory which would explain remote viewing, and the lack of experimental techniques which can provide reliably positive results. It is also considered a pseudoscience.

Typically a remote viewer is expected to give information about an object that is hidden from physical view and separated at some distance."

"The term clairvoyance (from French clair meaning "clear" and voyance meaning "vision") is used to refer to the ability to gain information about an object, person, location or physical event through means other than the known human senses, a form of extra-sensory perception. A person said to have the ability of clairvoyance is referred to as a clairvoyant ("one who sees clearly")."

Heart

"I woke up
with a tag between my toes, and my feet were frozen
I could feel my dreams decomposing, and my nose was bleeding
She was ghost, leaving me holding my ribs, she did it gently
I could tell by the way the sheets were folded
Carefully on this old bed that we hardly slept on
She always kept calm when I said, "Go ahead mammy, get gone"
I guess I got up and go
Must have got up and jetted
Fuck it, forget it
There is nothing except for me
(and my cup of regrets)
Come into my love nest, the dungeon of fuck fest
Plunging into tunnels my tongue wets
Come and get some sex, kitty kitty
Drinking from the titty sink till you're drunk
Unless you cry for spilled milk
I suckle from the young breasts that I
Unless a jury surely don’t upset the poet
Tapping random body parts, like this dirty drum set components
Certainly some men undress to know what it's like
To touch success, that’s unimpressed by sunsets at night
I’m almost certain she hurts inside from all this shit
Drawing a curtain, blurring the line before crossing it
Calling it principle of shame is pouncing back and forth
I’m sipping from the same container down to six ounces of backwash
Doused from bath water till all consequences fade away
Doubts are on back order, false confidences on layaway
Bought a Providence apartment cause of the way it detracts
Dangerous strangers in the tracks
To means years with stray cats but uh…
When I let her out the bag, look what she dragged in
An overpowering dad, who never let her have things
If this world was mine, I swear to mom I'd give it to baby girl
But maybe, if this girl was mine, I’d give my mom a world of babies
Instead of murder cases, waiting for her to save me
From unconfirmed aged girls I’ve dated since the early 80’s
Flirting with faith
I heard she’s the first lady to be referred to as crazy
Cutting out the middle women, cutting out little children
Sitting on a couch sicken to my inflated stomach
The baby in me is kicking, buckets, and I’m jaded from it
Couldn’t hold onto her, afraid of breaking something
No longer knowing the difference between making love and hate fucking
Unfortunately thoughts can’t be aborted
when seeds get planted deep into the guy hiding his pot belly
I snore when I sleep (It kept her up)
It keeps her out (keeping her quiet)

It makes me wonder what else she didn’t have the heart to tell me"

Somewhat Problematic

  
  "And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."

Everything

""

Humor

Moving from this town, much like all other things, has become a long-standing joke.


If nothing else, I am striving to learn the concept of being unapologetic for being myself, when it is in fact myself. 

"Baby you don't know where my mind has been 
Fell off the bike more than twice 
But it's time to ride again
This time I learned from my past falls
Old wounds may re-open soon
Burn 'em in alcohol"

We Go On

"The cure for pain is in the pain, 
so it's there that you'll find me. 
Until again I forget, 
and again he reminds me, 
"Hear my voice in your head, 
and think of me kindly." 

Let me be, let me be.. 

Lowered down like a casket 
and buried just below her chest. 
"Whatever I was searching for, 
it was never you," she says. 
The record ended long ago, 
we go on dancing nonetheless. 

I opened like a locket, 
"If you're ever cold," I wrote, 
"there's warmth inside me. 
I'm the pocket of an old winter coat." 
But where she used to say "I need you." 
Now...."I don't." 

You'd only make the softest sound, 
like sugar pouring into tea. 
Darling let your Self pour down 
and dissolve into the Love 
who revealed himself there quietly to me... 

(Jesus have mercy on us.)"

People Places Things

couldn't say if my life depended on it, which are projections and which are not.