"We fucked till we had enough.


You made phone calls and I threw up.


And I made a mess of waking up.


Tripped on bed sheets and you made a fuss.


And I woke to find your tired arms, wrapped around me as you raised alarms.

And love, make it easy on me.


I’ve just enough to fall asleep.


And love, take it easy on me.


I’m older now and long to be 
twenty-three."

I listen to the song girl by the internet on repeat.

before that I was reading a short zine.

connor was dancing with his arms in the middle of my room and smiled a little, knowing I was taping it.

today my production manager asked me (as small talk) what I would do to change (specifically improve) myself. I thought for a moment then responded that it's frustrating for me not being better and faster at things, he responded back that that isn't his fault. but agreed I was slow and ill-equipped. 

sarah and I snap, then email, then text, it comforts me.

I feed seymour (the stray) two different things and put out water, we sit by each other for a while until he hears something. 

I do 3-4~ loads of laundry continuously, vaccuum a lot but do not touch the dishes.

lizz asks if we can get me a kitten soon and I reply in my usual obtuse and suspicious way.

I sip a hell or high watermelon and every gulp think about how delicious it tastes to me. 

it is 10pm and I plan to: read, do proofing for work, finish laundry, order things online, submit to holly's zine, see what connor sent me, talk to jillian, brush my teeth, fill out kaiser financial assistance form, make facial appt, watch 1~2 movies, vote, and do my nails.

Tiny Hearthrob

obsessed with your body language, impossible to misread


I have enough pills in my hand to never feel sad again
but not tonight

Fake Bath

SOS

after we had sex he told me that he has a girlfriend

before we had sex he told me he has poison oak

he said it's difficult for him to want to sleep with those kind of men because they are pompous and crass, misogynistic 

he said he hated this about himself 

Sitting in the Shower

I am going to write a book called sitting in the shower

It will be as depressing and eating dessert alone in bed

or drinking water from the tap 

we dance to my beat of a dead horse

disparages

marriages

noncommittal with an aversion

to such a perversion 

non-persuasive

invasive

I want space if

we can still be as close as two humans can possibly be

I want to love you so incredibly deeply

but only barely more than you love me

Derailed

    it always feels like my eyes are bleeding

     it always feels like you're leaving

      feels like I need help 

       feels like I am not smart enough

         to solve my biggest problem which is myself

Choke

I wanna scream and weep like a child

I want to be petty and I want my saliva to be so thick that I choke on it

but do not stop yelling in your face

because you are being a fucking bitch

and I am going to wait it out because that is what friendship is

"stop looking at me with those eyes 

like I could disappear and you wouldn't care why 

now I'm fucked up"

Hi

is this toxic?

do I make you feel guilty for what you've become? Like no one else could?

is this immortal?
do I dare waste my precious time?

is this safe?

are you there for me like you were when we were fifteen?

you taught me how you used my chapstick as a fist pack

but ended up hurting me the very very most 

It's So Trying

what we have in common

is lately, we cannot get a grip

we've been thinkin

a little too hard 

about opening our wrists

but instead we are here together

throwing strangers tips as we watch them strip

some nights we are on the floor in the bathroom alone

sometimes we are up inside neon lights  screaming our lungs out as we drink patrone

the sorrow is blinding

the tragedy, binding

strategically crying

and haphazardly lying

it's so trying

but I wish I could see you

I wanna be in your bedroom

I wanna be in your bedroom

all blankets and drapes and candles and trees

the soft light would clean us

but we are pure already

because we are with each other

this is quieter than silence

this is how the world was meant to be

the soft light would clean us

but we are already pure

because I am with you

I wanna be in your bed

Nothing is Off Limits

I just wanted to grab everything really frantically with my arms and hold it together. Equal parts controlling and loving, but my intentions are pure. I thought I could just scoop up in my hands what was important, and if I clutched so tightly time would stop inside of my grip. These people deserve the very best, and we all know what my worst behavior looks like, feels like. Everything is moving, crumbling, dying, shaking, changing, stirring, growing. I am small and quiet and intricate and sensitive, I cannot keep up with the world let alone handle it. I lie in bed waiting for it to take me.

Cats everywhere are getting raped and there's nothing I can do about it

Cope

I let my phone die

to grasp with loss

I wanted to turn off life

but it turned on me instead

I wanted to turn you on

but you turned your cheek

I'm sleeping with my door wide open

in hopes someone will snatch me

and take me someplace worse

so I can finally be grateful