Mental Ill

mental illness runs rampant
like a sort of forest fire

at a certain point you no longer attempt to contain
but instead predict outcomes and work with devastation

you mourn destruction a little less
and completely stop wondering what if

freedom isn’t an uphill battle
it is an imaginary light at the end of a very real tunnel we’ve been running towards for so many years

all the band-aids, re-uptake inhibitors, intervenes calms
all the staggered breathing, lies and no phones home

no one's safe, really
false idols and broken father figurines
your mother has run out of tears and sleeping pills
and no one really works
but so many meetings

choose your vice then can’t think, twice
incapable of choosing to end anything
even your life

avoid mirrors and seek psychics
read your palm before the news

the world is sick but the people are sicker
around and around the sun

so predictable, and cyclical

you can’t see clearly, and he can’t see clearly
and she can’t see clearly

me n you, we learned 12 steps before we learned to walk

these tired trouble hands seem as intrepid as twisted
something dark comes knocking

your ears are ringing

sometimes you can’t help but answer the phone

I was never a writer
I was only in love with you

“I’m so high up in the nose bleeds I feel like I can fly”

The shadow cast

you have to remember the shadow cast is mainly on him

"We could still support each other
All we have to do is avoid each other"

  You wanted a clean slate, I wanted a clean break
  We never spoke again after that
  Sounds good right
  We spared the tears
  It's been eight years
  I still dream of you

I had a dream we reached and held hands but our fingers didn't fit

"I love you the most but don't let you close"

Am I

i was born to be in this with you. it's so cyclical. we taunt until the other bites, we disregard until the other snaps. i used to think we were made for each. you were my other half, my soulmate. now you're a gaping whole in the puzzle, a square cut out of a quilt left to ruin. i wish you happy birthday, i selectively wish you happy birthday, i make the decision and stop wishing you happy birthday. you break my heart when it is just about mended again. i rope you back when you've finally gotten far enough. isn't it all just a game. was i just a sore loser?


night falls on your face and and i am raw like a wound. you're drifting and i am wide awake. i look out the window to my right, i listen for noises in or out of the house. sometimes you mother sleeps in the room behind us, sometimes she doesn't. i touch you just enough that i can get away with. i never knew if you felt anything about it at all.

redundant

Oh the fucking hopelessness

“I just keep losing. I mean, some people just...are supposed to lose? For balance in the universe? I mean, like, are there just some people on earth who...are supposed to be here just to make it easier for the winners?”

PATTERN


LIMINALITY



SPOILAGE

COLLIDES

CAVERNOUS

BANALITY

SENSUIOUS



HOMAGE

TAILORED

VOID

SENTIENT

DISMAL

ADDICTION

WHISPER

twenty seven notes to younger self

1. your mom wasn't right about most things, but she was right about going to the dentist and oil changes
2. where you live gender will be thought of as fluid, just like you always dreamed
3. you only go as far as you try to go
4. if you're worried about a friendship then work on it
5. therapy is chill
6. health insurance is awesome
7. save some money for the hard times
8. you're body is gonna be your body so try to accept it as soon as you can
9. stay in school
10. divorce is mostly good
11. don't play it cool -- if you like someone it's okay for them to know (and actually way better)
12. shave your head, get tattoos, nothing matters
13. things can be on your terms, try your hardest not to be a doormat
14. the psychic was right
15. call your family
16. fuck your boss for being such an asshole (all of them)
17. the social anxiety WILL GET BETTER will practice
18. drinking isn't cool, you were right
19. wear that retainer it seriously isn't that bad and they aren't cheap or easy to come by!
20. swim in the river, swim in lakes, swim in a pool, go swimming any chance you get
21. you aren't that bad
22. golden rule always
23. take a language, think of your future practically
24. don't worry, you will get to wear everything you wanted ie. a blazer, glitter, knee high socks, mascara, a cool hat, a cool beanie, a nice dress, eyeliner, overalls, a sweatband, a tank top with your bra showing, short-shorts, any shirt you want, nothing at all, and feel okay about it
25. your writing will be published, just not in the fashion you expected
26. that deep feeling of not fitting in will be replaced with a deep connection with others who deeply did not fit in
27. tell everyone you love that you love them and you mean it

    "change is gonna come and when it does we'll be here for it"

The Only One That Even Matters

"If I had tried to make you mine

you would have walked away

life can't compete with memories

that never have to change

this world is full of missing persons

all of these unsolved mysteries

if someone says they know for certain

they are selling something certainly

so when I set myself to wonder

on all the questions that remain

the only one that even matters

is when I'll see your face again

I keep looking back for artifacts

to prove that you were here

a sound that has been keeps echoing

it never disappears"