330 am

Dear Lizz,

I apologize for the things that said when my self loathing was so deep-seated I could not find a way to allow you to love me.

I made my own heart sore,

she could never do that.

"How could you ever think? With all that is between us, how could you ever rationalize things that way?" She speaks this in a voice very seldom heard, not a hint of playing a game, not a glimpse of her own emotion. 

I knew what she was speaking of,

I could feel, nearly see the beating life between us that we had build, the hard way,  some days nothing is more real than that. I felt like less than nothing, but inspired to rid myself of these notions, this sickness, be better for her.

We sat together, I only really went out to see her, but would never tell her that. Every once in a while a thought comes into my head, I do not act upon, but I thought that I really felt like holding her hand

right then. 

The second the idea concluded she had already reached down. I repeated in my head it was a mere coincidence, but let myself be happy anyway.

Lizz has given me the gift of comfortability, to be fearless in being myself.. there are abosutely no words of justice for that.

I know it's 3:30am and I haven't slept much of any, but I wanted to say that

Lizz's skin feels like a kitten's paw that you're sure should be hardened and worn from the outside world, but just isn't (she isn't).

Another Open Letter

I thought about, and had the intentions of emailing this to you, but lately I've felt annoying enough for a lifetime, so with that said, I decided against it. I was a bit off today, not in a bad way, just as I have been. I rode my bike to work today for the first time, and it threw me off more than I had hoped it would. I've just been off-kilter, wearing new shoes today did not help. Lance said nothing, meaning he did not notice, Brent was first to comment; he laughed at me through the break room glass, then said that he liked them, before walking away. Ricky came up to my desk to explain the plate set-up for A2 and A7 sized envelopes, and to look at my SHCP invites, he rested his hand against the side of my desk, then pointed down, saying, "You look much better in those." Surprisingly, Seth was actually the last to make note, telling me to walk back to him to he could look at them, he explained that it was very different to see, when you see someone wearing other shoes most days. The ride home was nice, and nothing like the ride there. Seth stopped what he was doing, and stood outside in the doorway, he asked me about a helmet, to which I took the sunglasses off of my head, and put them over my eyes, before crossing the street I asked, "Are you going to watch me ride off?" He said yeah, he was. As I glanced back, making my way down MLK, he was still standing there, with arms crossed at his chest, smiling, like the paternal figure he is to me.

Before I clocked out, but after 3 o'clock Lance walked up to the side of my desk, asked what I was doing, then told me that he knew what I was doing, that I was double checking every single thing that I did because of the mistake that I had made earlier. I said that I was, but lied by following it up that I "am confident in the plates that I have made." In the back of the shop, as I finished the plates I was so confidently making, Lance approached me again, he began to talk to me about me, which I do not normally like at all, but he used the phrase, "You've really been put through the wringer this week". I appreciate people observing that, and am fond of the saying. I told him that it wasn't exactly true, but that today had been intense (couldn't come up with any other word), he assured me that it wasn't my fault. I'll always admit I do love to be coddled, but my bosses sugar-coated the truth, in order to avoid me crying in their face (again), is just not something I could ever feel anything aside from disdain for. But, he kept going, he reminded me that the CEI letters had changed so many times, he reminded me that I have had to assist Scott a lot more than they would have wanted, as he sits in the hospital every day, watching his wife go through chemo. I couldn't tell Lance how truly it had been affected me, "Scott's situation", as he put it. It's difficult for me to decipher if these extreme nausea is the result of food poisoning, or emotions, but either or, yesterday was hard to get through.

After I get home, I clean up a bit, and hop in the car to Berkeley Bowl. Every single time that I walk into that store, the exact same way, I get to the exact same spot of the store, at the very, very beginning, seconds after grabbing a basket, and I choose the speed that I commence walking in, because that will be the way in which I carry myself through the entire trip. The last time that I went, I was quickly, to the point of aggression, today I wanted to be faster than mosey, but wanted to get out of there all the same. The first thing that I see, after the sea of people, the bread,the customer service guy, the cheeses, I see a girl. Viewing from a distance, the back of a strangers head, especially female, would just about never instill interest of any kind in me. This person was different. I actually stopped walking, paused almost transfixed, looking at the back of her arms as time stood silent, and still. The first tattoo that caught my eye was a red door, fairly large, and on the back of her left arm, on the inside. As I looked, I saw more, and more. I wanted to know so very badly what the tiny vertical hammer represented, on the back of her right arm, above the elbow. Disappointed, I realized that I had not one reason to stand at the cheeses, and felt too bizarre for the reasons I was about to do so, so I kept walking, just hoping somehow I could see her face. I stopped at teas, juices, and soups, I even felt like I wanted to treat myself to a pre-package snack, so I chose chipotle yams, with caramelized onions, 3.99, and continued along. My next destination was eggs, I get the same dozen each time, because they appear to be perpetually on sale, and are organic too. Standing at those eggs, attempting to open the top of one, was this person. I stood to her side now, observed her face, clear bright and radiant, she was beautiful, but I honestly do like to think it was her energy that interested me. I like to let people take their time, I am patient in these times, and feel gross when I am reachy. She checks for cracks, and I hope that it isn't strange that I wait all this time. She looks up, and apologizes, says that you have to look for cracks, in this really funny tone, like we are grown ups now, or maybe we have just dealt with busted eggs. I was not expected we would speak, I tell her it is fine, and start to say something about how last time I didn't check, when suddenly I hear the loudest sound imaginable. I do not like to think about how much I probably jumped. My first thought was what could even crash and fall, so large, and from so high. I turn my head, and make eye contact with the woman who did it, and feel so fucking awful, because that level of embarrassment, those many people, hating you for scaring them so pubically. The woman says she is so sorry, and everyone in eyesight is still, as deer in headlights. I was beyond jarred, it reminded me of how I jolt when horns honk, how my mom told me once that she swears I have PTSD from a former life, where I was shot, and killed. I felt terrible, humiliated for everyone, and triggered, somewhere I did not like. We all look around, wanting to fix this sinking feeling, erase the look of the guilty woman's sweet face. "MOZEL TOV!", a bold woman yells, I turn my head to her now, unable to look my attracted person in the eyes. I smile, mostly at this pretty black woman's flawless skin, and perfectly white teeth. I then felt nothing at all, trying to figure out if the conversation was alright to be left as it was, and leave anyway. I wanted to see how I acted from a separate point of view, but gave up, kept walking. I thought maybe I could see my girl again, somewhere else, somewhere later, once I gathered my bearings, I could finish my story, and it would be funny, and make her forget how upset I had gotten, standing there, holding eggs with her, in a ground of broken glass. Someone had already come to sweep it up before I had even gotten to the milk. I wondered what it all meant, and I did not see her again, but I promised myself that I would write down that I hope to speak with the person with the little hammer tattoo, soft hair, and cutoff sleeves, again. I promised myself I would tell Lizz, about how I fell in love, and was going to tell her my egg story, I was telling her, and how the loudest noise I had ever heard shattered my head, and scared me half to death. The last time that I loved a cute guy on the street, I told Austin that it was sad I would never, ever see his face again. I saw him a second time, two days subsequent. Maybe my energy will work in my favor, maybe we all live off of Adeline. 

Oh, you rode your bike to work," Scott shoots me a look, "how green of you".

Use Your Disadvantage For Good

I am a private person. This is due to my both untrustworthy, and secret father, and mother. I am writing this down because I want you to know, I do not even need to delivery it, my mind with do so, and you aren't much for love letters anyway. Loneliness has never, ever resonated with me. Ever since I was very young, I remember attempting to decipher, and feel that sensation. It was similar to a brain freeze, or a broken bone, I understood quite well that other's knew what it was, I just was not able to grasp. Victoria and I would talk on the phone for so many hours, we talked about everything, all night long, for years, and years. I bring this up because we decided one night that it would behove us to have a safe word, a word that one could use covertly to the other, if we were in danger, and if someone was listening. After a thorough discussion, we chose the word "lonely", for it had to be a word that we would never once use by accident. If our untimely death was impending, we would call the other, and tell them calmly that we were lonely. I am select with whom I share my time, my true thoughts even moreso than that. The disappointment involved with relationships of any kind keep my father and my brother inside, and keep my mother and myself scorn. It is pointless to reiterate what you know so well, nearly as much as I, so I will attempt to deduce what it is I would wish to relay. I am speaking of myself, knowing that endeavoring to speak of us, will inevitably turn out to be speaking of myself in a different way, I'm not sure what I wanted from this. I do know though, I want to share, I want to communicate, I want you to laugh at my jokes, and I want to compliment you without filtering myself, without thinking twice. You are everything, and I am starting to believe that this is your fault.

Truthfully Don't Know Much

It took a long time, and I do not have to tell you that. I have a feeling that this may be, or should be, the last letter that I leave you. My inclinations have been wrong before though. 
After finally feeling, for the first time, that there was an option for me to work on and try to repair things between us, I thought about everything differently than before, and maybe accidentally finding my closure. I truthfully don't know much of what you think or who you are now, and only have to work with the few things you've told me since we've stopped talking, and several things that you told me before that I can think of as still being true. I see you, and your new life as being false as to who you really are, I do not judge you for that because I think that I understand somewhat, and also know that I am sure that it makes you happy, or you wouldn't be living how you are. I think where I come in, or come in still, is the piece still to be desired, the connection and honesty that is so hard, but was once worth it. What's funny is how that feeling is shared, despite my real friends, and life of being so much of who I am, there is this definite gap, that I feel, where our friendship once was. I've concluded that what we have done is possibly idealized each other a bit, and whether or not you reflect on our time together, I do a whole lot, every day. We are left with the sentiment that no one compares, because no one watches or listens or cares as much as we did for each other. And I do still care, I always, always will, but what I see now are two very different lives, much separated in every single way plausible, and as much as for years I have been wanting to mend, and spent my time talking to and being with you, I know now that it can't fit. Now of course I do believe in my heart of hearts, that to ensure you being happy I would do absolutely everything in the whole world, if that meant attempting to sacrifice and push aside this reality, I would. But it isn't what you want, it has been made so clear for so long, and I am only sorry for having and getting my hopes up, naively. I guess one day there could potentially be a middle for us to meet, and we could catch up on every second like I have always wanted, but now I must go my way, and you yours, if not for any reason besides that we already have. I will love you forever. And feel badly somehow, for not being good enough, but for now I need nothing else than to find my peace, within this, and foremost with myself. I do want to thank you though for everything that you taught me, and raising my expectations and standards in every way in friends, friendship, and people, I know now that I needed it. I hope that despite some things, you feel that way, too.
I tried, but couldn't find the last words that you said to me about the people in your life now and myself, as an apology. I realized also that an apologize is not what I am looking for, I want us, both, to be happy, and have never wanted anything else. I am so sad to see that we are trying the way that we are, but I know now why we cannot involve each other in that, and I will do my very best not to be sad about that.

Unsent Love Letter 22

I would have given up any day, every day, to spend one day in truth

the closest someone got to your perceptive nature was knowing not to speak of you

my war wound

turned battle scar

you were with me in every dream at night it just made the days hard to get through

and when you looked for me all you knew to do was draw a heart with my pen

I could not grasp not a single thing else but felt as if I knew you right then

one day, out of three hundred and sixty five

you've probably forgotten it all now but I was hardly alive

it was everything

I will leave it at all

I remember you telling me

that you would never forgive me, and never take me back

Apologies

on and off years have brought us where we are, and needed to be
but with you and i, it's all apologies
and somethings were understood, others just not what they seemed
and i'll always like you for all the right reasons
maybe write them down as you sleep
either way, you and me, it's all apologies
every conversation, i cherished throughout
hoped for all things mutual, but you and i tend to resort to doubt
sometimes i get terribly embarrassed at what comes out of my mouth
knowing that you'll get that or feel that, i am often spilling at the seams
nonetheless, with you and me, it's all apologies
at least there is a safe comfort in knowing this is all long term
and all the times i've felt jealous, rest assured i'll get my turn
and sometimes i try to be quiet, just can't find the words
except i love what i've come to know, and the beaming person i see
i guess no matter what it's all apologies
and i can't find a phrase to erase misbeliefs, 
they are instilled deep in me too, it's just not worth the fight
to defend the truth; loving every version of you that comes out each night
the knowledge of someone just like you,
taking the time and putting effort into someone like me
i wouldn't try to explain the gratitude, of what that means
but i won't act that way, it's just all apologies
and we'll think that's what we've good for, a constant sorry
but you don't get treated deservingly and that's something i see
and i describe the desire to leave but the coming is just a lot harder to say
but conversing with you there's faith i can be okay
there's an intelligence in each statement, and love in each action
others could atempt it, but couldn't fake a fraction
of what you're rethinking or deeply caring about
if there were more of anything like you i ca say it's just more i wouldn't want to be without
so this is a thank you, and know i am happy in your presensece, and every minute i can feel your honestly
(and like you deserve it) if i'm not perfect, it's just all apologies

Old Entries And Ideas

(7/11)i was happy, and could never thank you enough for everything you were and are to me, and how i can't shake the way i thought of you then, and that's how it should be. we let each other get to know each other in a whole different way, and i can see now how that could have effected us strangely. and i could apologize for hours, and i could explain everything then and since, and make sure there isn't one feeling i have felt that you miss.

"OH TO THE GLORIOUS PAST"

Totem Poem

and if i could write something somewhat beautiful this is exactly when i should

because i guess if someone deserved it this is the person that would
months later and i still can't stomach this, i'll continue to hold the phone, until i get the guts to call
the debate is a nightly decision, even when i think i don't want to talk to anyone at all
seriously nervous that someone might answer, almost a joke to think that she will,
my shyness was always so tongue in cheek
against all odds if it was what that person wanted, i'm afraid i'd be too anxious to speak
if i got that machine as i often did, i would drawl out some scared but honest admittance
i in no way expect love in return, but sincerely would hope for some forgiveness
i'd tell of how no other friendships have proved to matter,
although, it was somehow never something that she was able to witness
how when i am with a group of people my mind just wanders, and i miss this
how i've scrawled on receipts, scraps, and college rule about her significance
how i have wanted to tell her of all the embarrassing things that i have realized;
how i'd felt almost idle since i sat outside of her house by myself and cried
but this message wasn't one meant to be sad, and sorrowful
though i suppose without this person i have been meaning to tell this person how i feel somewhat hollow
how when she's gone it's difficult to believe that our friendship was so real, and true

how i've just been killing time lately, like there was absolutely nothing else to do
how i'll think all day if maybe she thought that i was distracted and didn't remember to try
i just need one moment in that person's mind, i want to be sure for myself that she in actuality cut the ties
maybe she'll recall how i feel increasingly tangled the more i feel deprived
but i lived like it was a ritual, and for that i am sometimes empty inside
this was never mutual, and for that all these feelings are simply mine
though i found that this person was able to ignore me a day for every feeling of hers that she could so tactfully hide
sometimes i got bitter that someone could care for mine one day and the next be so completely done,
i get so close to telling that person how i've really been having so much fun, i guess that's what you call an eye for an eye
i tell myself that you can't still be speechless after yet another leaves you so high and dry,
putting my heart into something again isn't worth so much as a goodbye
but i have learned from my mistakes, after some time, i'm alive, and ready to try
i'm ready to pick up the phone, and i just hope now i am ready to say hi

Found A Letter

 a creamy cup of coffee
how i thought you lost me
two open hearts at once is once in a blue moon
how i thought i got you
but usually one heart is pouring
and the other choses whether or not to accept
i'm lost, and somehow still filled with regret
i don't know if i ever would have been ready
but it would have been cleaner if slow and steady
i drifted away, and you tend to give a shove when things get heavy
please stay, dorian gray,
an altering picture depicted the madness is self-inflicted
and you over-achievers sure aren't making me feel any better
you jot pages of meticulous notes 
while i painfully scrawl out another love letter.

Caught

Unfortunately, I am aware that if this is the last letter I'd write you, I would soon be dead. Not in a morbid way, but I would like to delve into death momentarily while on the subject. I was driving today, my broken car, deep in thought about all of my “problems” (worriers and concerns). Rather close to your house actually, and I thought - wow, all of these things in my life, the bad the good, the oh-that-it-not-quite-completed could vanish in one second. My demise could occur so many different ways, and as often as I ponder related concepts I was yet to think of my life as so fragile. I lie in my bed and decide time and time again that your actions cause so much more of an effect on my life than your own. And it’s kind of crazy to think of that being so incredibly and genuinely true, maybe because I have never once before felt the opposed or contrary. What makes it difficult for me I decided is your lack of belief in such a personal FACT, I understand completely that your decisions are a part of you, and how they are committed to memory whether it be your conscious or subconscious. But me on the other hand somehow end up involuntarily suffering and wallowing in a weird misery over your life choices. It’s as if you told me every specific mistake you make was secretly done in hopes to destroy me. Usually in fact it is closer to the opposite entirely, but that changes nothing. 

You (Don't) Know

I am happy when I am with you, I want to tell you that I like the version I am of myself when we are alone together, or when we are connected at all. I look at your face, and everything about your appearance and see everything that I adore inside and out. I've always been looking for truth and honesty and someone who could magically manage to be the correct about of everything for me. Though even now it sounds too good to be true, I know that it isn't because our friendship is a carefully crafted work of art that creates happiness for me. I would always do things differently if I could. With you I would show more; give more of what I would like to give to you, not only because I know and understand how badly you want it, but additionally because I know how truly you deserve it. After spending lots of time together, or not seeing you hardly at all, after arguments, and before plans, what is in common for all of these things is that I always want more time with you. When we are talking or when we are together I feel as though it is what friendship is supposed to be and I am not only very aware of that feeling but so grateful of it that I cannot really put it into words. You and I are so extremely different in every aspect that I often am astonished of our unfaltering tolerance of each other, but then I remember how similar we truly are, in personality as well as attributes, likes and dislikes. I like falling asleep with you, I like driving with you, I like knowing that you are paying attention, and the desired amount. I appreciate any small thing between us that makes me feel like this is deep and real and important. I appreciate your honesty, and how you say things when I know it's hard to. I constantly want to relay what a gigantic part of me you are and everything I do. When we are apart I constantly wish that we were not so that we could experience everything that is around us together and discuss it and laugh about it. I find myself pondering a romantic aspect of this, and nine times out of ten I rational that idea with the fact that I really do like you so deeply, and almost carefully. I wish I had the strength and ability to cure and fix all of the faults and unfavorable things about your life for you, and I wish you could just see yourself through my eyes, and come to peace knowing all of my praises are true. The other night you said that even if I did not come with you in life that you would even then still not desert me. I wanted to tell you that it is the last thing that I want and I long to feel the same that you do about my future. I am a thousand percent sure that the place you have in my life and heart could not be filled or replaced by anything or anyone else, ever, and if I am lucky you somewhat feel the same. You have changed enormously through the years of our friendship and I have honestly loved every tiny thing that altered and every big or small thing that remained. Few things bring me joy like the thought of knowing you for who you are and how you feel, and the level of comfortability between us that so few are able to maintain. I only hope that you continue to open up and show me everything you can, and that the laughter and enjoyment between us never lessens, and looking back, odds are I will grow happier with time. If there was some way that I could somehow apologize the right way for the selfishness that consumed me from time to time year to year and have that repair the bad feelings and frustration I would try my hardest. But nevertheless I will try my hardest, every single day, to be that person you say you want; there for you always, there for you for anything. Because I would in fact do anything you needed, and the millions of times and memories we have shared mean more to me than you will ever know. I love you no matter what and do not tell you enough. I meant it when I said that this is the relationship I rely on and the relationship I want to put my time and energy towards, because I not only get so much in return but thinking of you being happy having me is even better than that. You are an incredible, talented, handsome and hilarious person, always, and I saw from day one that you were what I wanted, and nearly five years later you are that more than ever. Thank you for so much, but most of all time, and I want so much more of that with you.

<3

"My parachute didn't open
And when my back up failed
The pixie dust prevailed
And I woke up next to you
All I wanted was to hold you

I was born in a city
However small
It held a hospital
For location where I came into being
It was all downhill from there

What do you do
When your life's a disaster
And you're moving faster
And it's getting harder to breathe

What do you say
To someone whose right but
You disagree
Even if it's the truth

I was told you are depressed
By a little bird
That was severly hurt
As it did not notice my window
It just flew wherever the wind blows
As it convulsed on the pavement
It whispered I am hated
Your genetic flaws
I said say it all
You can't decipher reflections from reality

But neither can I"

Dear

I heard somewhere sometime this phrase, it automatically reminded me of you and since then I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. It was from a song actually and it described someone as “a walking compliment”. As soon as I heard it I realized how much it applied to you in that there is just something about you that not only attracts people to you, but also something more than that, where it’s almost important to be spending time with you. It’s an unspoken confidence that is received from you when someone is in your presence. But the most significant thing about it is that it’s completely unintentional and accidental on your part. And although I can’t describe it, I feel as though I really don’t need to after somebody says a “walking compliment”. Knowing you is a compliment, to say the least really. 

More noteworthy to me than the way that you carry yourself and the feelings you give off is the way you think about things. Not just the way, but also the depth and how you go about it all. It is hard to decipher what is well thought out, and what has rarely crossed your mind. And maybe I have spent more time than I should have trying to figure it all out, getting nowhere. Just yesterday I was certain that you thought you had me all figured out and knew what I was thinking, and knew why I do what I do. But today I am entirely thrown off thinking that you have no clue what I even really think about you. Maybe it’s the complexity that keeps me coming back, or rather just staying. 

It’s like you’ve been here for so much longer than everyone else and have seen and experienced so much more, and have grown from those events and come to such mature conclusions with all of that information you have stored. You’re exceptionally mysterious, but at the same time one of my all-time favorite things about you is that I know in the right time and place you would willingly open up and talk about absolutely anything with me; regarding my life, or your own. 

When I look at things in the big picture I see a lot of guys I adored and really truly liked, a lot, and I see how I didn’t get the chance I wanted to spend time and have them get to know me and vice versa like I’d hoped. I see with you how you in a way pretty much gave me a chance and took the time when really no one else did. You’ve taught me so much without even meaning to, and I feel like I’ve come to realize a lot. I’ve realized another one of my favorite things about you is this pleased smile you almost always have on your face, it seems like a lot of the time it’s for no reason until I’m trying to find the reason for myself. 

A while back I was having an off-day and was also really disappointed with you at the time, my feelings were really hurt, but I remember looking at you even from a far, and we locked eyes or something similar and you saw that I saw you, and this small smile came over your mouth just at each corner. The smile was nothing special or out of the ordinary, but I always feel like it’s so genuine and refreshing, and I found myself with a big smile on my face that made me feel as stupid as it did happy. And although all these things are completely insignificant, they add up to me and all mean something once they are put together. I feel like you live your life in a way that is in intertwined with and incorporating others, but at the same exact time it’s very disconnected and exclusive which is not only really admirable but also extremely difficult I think. 

Although you may not be book-smart and school-driven I see so much wisdom as well as smarts every single day I spend with you and I truly hope you see it too. You’re such a talented person as well as artist and I look forward so much to watching you develop and grow up even more than I have already seen. 

As soon as I realized it, I have respected you ever since I realized how you honestly liked me as a friend, for not only just being ‘a friend’, but more importantly the friend that I am. I don’t know what you consider to be mistakes but I know that there are things in your past that maybe you would change, or things you think changed you, and each and every one of those things to me in your life was vital to make you the wonderful person you are today, and helped shaped such a dimensional and fascinating person I enjoy so much to know.  It’s so difficult to find someone who is equally beautiful inside and out and I want so much for people to come to realize and cherish it because you are so many of those rare things that people look for in a friend. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever met someone who has always looked so good in every single way, and every time I see them without fail. I know you have your days you feel down on something, or maybe times you think you don’t look as good as you’d like but I will always disagree no matter what. You never seem to falter to me and always carry yourself on a daily basis in such a way that anybody should be envious. 

I’ve lost you in my life once and during that time you really showed me some issues that needed addressing with myself, and although it of course wasn’t what I wanted I thank you for that and for showing me what I have and how my life can be without you. You’ve always stuck by me, and rather than getting tired of you like I thought would be so possible in such circumstances, I rather grow fonder and to value you more with every day. 

You said the other day how you would like me in the ‘rest of your life’. It made me think a lot and though it seems like a challenging commitment when someone actually thinks about it, I can’t imagine the past without you in it and nor would I like to picture of the future. Your humor and authentically natural silliness light up every day for me, and I find myself trying to not smile or laugh so often around you it’s nearly ridiculous. So to conclude, I love you as much as I hope to never take you for granite or seem careless again. Love always, Mollie