"and i want to die
who am i"

Inside

I know it's there, for you I can feel the flurry of a heart inside my chest.

Feel

the more a person feels the more i feel for them, i suppose it would be nice if it were different, 
if i had not constructed a personality incapable of being missed. 
and these people do not feel, and i am envious but cannot empathize. 

Innocent

The truths of these stories, are contradicted by their end

so I must be asleep now, or was I asleep back then?

In my dream you send me a message

it asked loudly if I was innocent back then, or did I believe I was scarred?

I was astounded when I received it, and I thought long, I thought hard

I never got an answer, because the truth I've been avoiding is I am not yet marred

Rooster

sleep is futile. 
even more so is attempting to do so.

Where You Are

Some days I think 
I should have saved you. 
Most days I see where you are which is precisely where you want to be.

You should have saved me.

Weird

Weird that I've been thinking about this quote and posted it a year ago today:

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Narrowness

"I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience. Moreover, I, on my side, require of every writer, first or last, a simple and sincere account of his own life, and not merely what he has heard of other men's lives; some such account as he would send to his kindred from a distant land; for if he has lived sincerely, it must have been in a distant land to me."

Also, still very relative..

But I guess I have a week to still think about, the situational parallels and emotional perils of looking back.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dilution

I watch all of my nervous habits surface, like oil and water; 
the separation between who I become and who I want to be.

Dilute

I simply wish I were able to water myself down enough to be happy.

Something Practiced

re·nounce

  [ri-nouns] verb, -nounced, -nounc·ing, noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to give up or put aside voluntarily: to renounce worldlypleasures.

2.

to give up by formal declaration: to renounce a claim.

3.

to repudiate; disown: to renounce one's son.

renounce  (rɪˈnaʊns)
— vb
1.	( tr ) to give up (a claim or right), esp by formalannouncement: to renounce a title

re·nounce  (r-nouns) v. re·nounced, re·nounc·ing, re·nounc·es v.tr. 1. To give up (a title, for example), especially by formal announcement. Synonym: relinquish.  2. To reject; disown. 3. (tr) to give up (some habit, pursuit, etc.) voluntarily to renounce smoking Definition of RENOUNCE transitive verb 1 : to give up, refuse, or resign usually by formal declaration<renounce his errors> 2 : to refuse to follow, obey, or recognize any further re·lin·quish (rĭ-lĭng'kwĭsh)  tr.v., -quished, -quish·ing, -quish·es. To retire from; give up or abandon. To put aside or desist from (something practiced, professed, or intended). To let go; surrender. To cease holding physically; release: relinquish a grip. Definition of RELINQUISH transitive verb 1 : to withdraw or retreat from : leave behind 2 : Give up <relinquish a title> b : to give over possession or control of : yield

Understandings

"Meeting new people is like sewing on a new arm, an arm where the nerves don't quite reach the fingertips."
 "Meeting new people is like when you're telling a long story, and someone comes in at the very end."

Stomach In Knots

there are enough knots tied in there
i wish these butterflies would
tighten the noose
hang themselves

My Rambles

today was a day of second chances. I learn so much every single day. I appreciate that.


love might tear us apart, but fate will bring us back together.


i don't really like the need to "vent" or "dump" or relay every little bit of this day to someone else. how it isn't real at all unless depicted and explained over and over again. and the other day phil from work said i love to tell a story and i got mixed feelings from the statement. like all too true of statements seem to do. but anyway, it was a very rushed day, and driving home i thought so honestly that no one person anticipated the happiness of being alone in their bedroom quite like i do. i was nearing bennett street and picturing the lighting, and the silence, and writing all this down, getting some of it out. lizz i wanted to tell you that this movie reminded me so much of you, and i know i won't send a thing if i keep thinking of myself like this. last night i had a dream i was like a kid. i was barefoot and free. and the things that usually do, just didn't bother me.  my mind was simple and clear, distracted but happy. and my coworker was there, standing there outside. and today just like that in the sun, i ran into her, a stupid huge smile on my face i said, "i didn't think i'd see you today!" i told her i've had worse dreams, alluding to that darkness, but she got everything. and there was melting ice cream in my hands and i swear some moments are just like a movie, and she took her sun glasses off, hair red in the sun. i ran off as i do, but when we both looked back we were grinning and she shouted, "good luck!"
and austin i'm sorry i never call, i want something to say but when i have something i don't like what i talk about. not just with you but with everyone. i want to hear about school, it's just hard to ask questions cause it all pains me really deep inside and i want to be with you. and when you asked me today on the phone if i could move there and work in a coffee shop and we would be together like we should be, i couldn't just say it meant the world to me so i laughed a little bit. i knew you were serious you didn't have to say so.
i love just imagining a moment in the future, and then realizing later you are in that exact, exact moment that you were dreaming of before. and i know it's silly cause i'm sitting in bed with the glow of christmas lights, but i'm happy. and i imagined this up. there is so much comfort in inevitability. and today started off bad, but was so long that it had the chance to get really good. talking to kellee is always so positive and i'm so pleased i decided to go to flour garden and tessa and sarah made me a hot and cold shot and i unspoken-ly always wanted to try one, and it was super great. and i love corona and i feel terrible for scaring her, i should have known better, but now i do. i learn so much every single day. and today i really learned that doing nice things for people can suck really fucking bad, and this guy was a completely fucking asshole when i did a favor for him, and i was hot and sweaty and just too sad to not want to cry, and i felt it in my mouth and chest and face. and then a second guy comes up with his wife and completely makes my day, and i can only vaguely make out his face, but i can't remember anyone being that kind and sweet. and he asked if my mom told me what a good job she did, and liked my hair and told me never to do anything i hate. well also said i had to have a good reason to leave college but you really gotta give people you like a lot the benefit of the doubt with some things. and i definitely do. it was so crazy that he asked if i thought of a trade school and said i was cute and asked if my boyfriend was a slave and i was fine again, cause things got really bad. i love making jokes with myself and i told the guy it was the other way around. good inside joke. i also made an awful joke that i wanted to tell lizz about because it was painfully un-funny. so we sold a whole ton of gifts cards this week, like randomly more than ever, unless like christmas time. so we are trying to get more gift cards and they are talking about it at work and stuff, and i chyme in and say "must be all the halloween presents." these things make sense to me. so well, anyways, everything fell into place correctly, not without some work but i've really been realizing how everything is so two sided and you have to give some to get some and you have to try. i've really been trying. i just love movies that really, really make me happy to be alive. and this one did that. the world is being than me and my imagined problems and exaggerated melancholy. i love when people say exactly what you wish they would. i like a lot of little things i wish i could explain like when people offer me what they are drinking even if i say no. i love watching people do little nice things for other people and they don't know i'm watching. i love peace and quiet and my room. and everything is relative, and happens how it's supposed to, that's both devastating and insanely hopeful. i wanted to tell victoria that someone on the bus sketching her hands secretly, was like titanic and how i was jealous. i wanted to tell mimi i wrote about her on and off all day and it's hard missing people the amount i do but won't say. i like days that are real days i guess. i like second chances.

The Clock Were All Wrong

And I've been known to get dragged along
but time was so different back then
as if the clocks were all wrong
moving so incredibly fast, then so wonderfully slow
I wish I would have asked if you knew what I meant
maybe I feared you wouldn't know


And I am fine with things ending
I understand that people need to go


I give thanks to those times that ended on a good note

Unexpected

The things we need when we need them come in unexpected forms.

I Know I

  

  "Has it been fabricated, fashioned by the worst of me?

I know I knocked the table over because I watched the jar break and I’ve been trying to repair it every single stupid day 

But won’t the cracks still show no matter how well it’s assembled can I ever just decide to let it die and let you go?

All my motives and every single narrative below reflects that moment when it broke and will I never let it go no matter what? 
Now I am throwing all the shards away, discarding every fragment, and fumbling uncertain."