And when these downward spiraling gears get to turning, they grind persistently. They seem to almost speak for me, mentally, so fine-tuned, so in practice. Overanalyzing, nitpicking. A piece of work, a piece of shit, with no self control, no self worth, no self esteem, drowning, and ruining everything, trying to pull it all down with me. The thought process is all the same, I can't look at myself, I am undereducated, I am unskilled, unmotivated, wasting my life away, gave up on the good things, kept tightly all of the worst. Obsessive compulsive, anxiety, sleepless, homeless, stuck, overbearing, secretive, fear-based, untrustworthy, resenting, pseudo intellectual, living in the past. Nothing to say, talk too much, too loudly. My teeth are moving, eating disorder, I prefer being sad, I am insanely sensitive, over-thinking, I dropped out of school, I ruined my life, I can't get over anything ever, I may never find a good job, I want to be alone too much, I hate everything that I write about, I wreak havoc on all of my amazing friendships, I don't have a job, I don't drink, I have social anxiety and phobias, I have no clothes. I'll never change, I'll never grow, things are so obviously only getting worse, and when the loop continues to loop, when I have nothing, when I am nothing, and don't want to be anything, and want to be so much, there is only one thing that I have to wake up for in the morning. Honestly, the people that I love are the only thing that keep me going, that inspire me, that make me happy or give me something to look forward to. I appreciate those that I know, so endlessly, more than I will ever tell them, in fear of admitting dependency. My friends make me laugh and give me hope, my brother makes me think, and understand. Sometimes I don't talk to my favorite people for too long, sometimes I throw a wrench into things, most of the time I am just too affected. I care so much, and think so highly, and really, really cherish those in my life, however they are in it. Nothing could ever be more of a reason to be better, or a better person than that. I want to be good, and the people that I love are the only thing that stop my cycles, shift my gears, make me live.

Nothing Left To See

    "And if I know where to find you    I'll stay out of your way    I won't come beg to borrow    All the happiness you've earned"
I apologize for how I reacted(rash and instinctually)in my defenseyou know very well I get emotional at nightand it has been night for months nowhow could you have known

Surrender

"How we said
no, no, no, no
to the most beautiful
YES:

life
itself."

Only

"If only the circumstances had been wildly different."

Hurts

         he isn't walking on eggs shells

he tells me in his car

       he is walking on broken glass

                   and this isn't always about being careful

                it turns into being about getting hurt

Down Into Eventual Nothingness

"My dear,
Find what you love and let it kill you. 
Let it drain you of your all. 
Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”

Your Memories Bleed

"And time was a blur, punctuated with a stir
It was always cause of her, and always was never enough
You start thinking about, all the times you’ve spent without
It begets a seed of doubt, in the clockwork peach in your soul
And your memories bleed, and your pulse is gaining speed
All these thoughts are a disease, and poetry’s one of the flesh

And now the world seems strange, all your thoughts are rearranged
You’re feeling quite estranged, oh I hate remembering
And you’re distorting pictures and dislodging fixtures
And creating mixtures of truth and reality
And now your heart’s palpitating, as your world’s disintegrating
You begin to start hating, the things that make life... life"

Just Be Clean

"I could feel it now
I felt the Lord in my father's house
Well, I could see, I could see
Standing we were seventeen, make it clean
Are you the living ghost of what I need?
Are you giving me the best of me.
We, will see.

'Cause I'm done being done with the funerals at least for now
Are you tired of being alone, are you tired of being alone?

I could see I could see
God I never should have seen, so complete
I am the living ghost of what you need
I am everything eternally, God just speak

'Cause I'm done being done with the funerals at least for now
Are you tired of being alone, are you tired of being alone?

Just be clean

I felt the world begin
To peel off all my skin
And I felt the weight within
Reveal the bigger mess
That you can't fix

I felt I felt good
Repeat into my home
Don't fight, don't ever go
I swear you'll never know
You'll never know"

Pitiful Recover

how does a person recover?
a skill I never learned
but tried so many different ways
I swore to never write about you again
I lasted a whole day

there is the way of pushing something out
blocking out a person with all of your might
you were there in my dream
just standing there watching me
I can't help a song from reminding me of you
I can't help people coming up to me saying your name
"are you sad?"
she asked so cooly, loud, all the faces turned to mine
"no", I lied breezily to everyone
except me
I'm a fraud, knew it all along
my stomach shook all night just
thinking about you
I tried
getting it out of my system
keeping it in
I didn't write about you for over a day
I look for and hide from you everywhere
how does a person recover?

I need you now more than ever
and I hate it

Still Going

Stream Of Unconsciousness

you eat too fast, and I don't mean food I mean socially
letting no one get up to your speed, you are just too damn hungry

he said the thc, it's soaking straight into your blood stream
and I am tempted to reply that I care as much as he cares why I'm still clean

everything is in jars, jars, and jars
and even all of the doors in this house are ajar
because we need our solitude, but can only take it so far, 
far, far

I am focusing on my self esteem now, and seeing how it is to feel okay
I know it is time, and I am ready, and I just want to move away
it's this stale, awful town I've been talking shit about, and my friends can find out some day
as long as they don't find out today

he calls it floor-bud, what it is once it has fallen on the floor
I laugh and tell him that I've had that feeling before
something so prized, with so much potential, suddenly trash compared to all the rest
he said that it will now always be that, and I see why that feeling never left

my dad says, he doesn't want these two kids now in his life
if I listened to everything my dad said, I'd be permanently hung up on every slight
remember the few things he ever said to or about me forever, well looks like I just might

I have a hard time calling my friends now, cause I am lazy and it is too much of a task
I do not want them to know what I am and am not doing, and lucky for me they never ask
lucky for them, I am an understanding, loyal, loving, total pain in the ass

now due to poor judgement, I always chase the most complication person I can find, even just to study their ways
now due to dedication, I'll always get lost for years on end in my mind of their maze

I know these streets like the back of my hand, I know you just like the palm
blood soused, nail through, the feeling hasn't gone
though you've gone, so when you visit, you never think to ask what is it
well I would tell you, even dying for an absent someone else's sins, couldn't turn me religious

(I am just trying to see how it would be to be okay
I plan to better myself now, get out of yesterday, leave it yesterday)

Me Again

"i blew up a balloon again 

just to inflate and deflate it 

you came around with that sharp tack 

you popped it, popped me again 

i flew around the room 

like a fool in plain view 

i swear i am no fool 

just a man with belief in you"

Truthfully Don't Know Much

It took a long time, and I do not have to tell you that. I have a feeling that this may be, or should be, the last letter that I leave you. My inclinations have been wrong before though. 
After finally feeling, for the first time, that there was an option for me to work on and try to repair things between us, I thought about everything differently than before, and maybe accidentally finding my closure. I truthfully don't know much of what you think or who you are now, and only have to work with the few things you've told me since we've stopped talking, and several things that you told me before that I can think of as still being true. I see you, and your new life as being false as to who you really are, I do not judge you for that because I think that I understand somewhat, and also know that I am sure that it makes you happy, or you wouldn't be living how you are. I think where I come in, or come in still, is the piece still to be desired, the connection and honesty that is so hard, but was once worth it. What's funny is how that feeling is shared, despite my real friends, and life of being so much of who I am, there is this definite gap, that I feel, where our friendship once was. I've concluded that what we have done is possibly idealized each other a bit, and whether or not you reflect on our time together, I do a whole lot, every day. We are left with the sentiment that no one compares, because no one watches or listens or cares as much as we did for each other. And I do still care, I always, always will, but what I see now are two very different lives, much separated in every single way plausible, and as much as for years I have been wanting to mend, and spent my time talking to and being with you, I know now that it can't fit. Now of course I do believe in my heart of hearts, that to ensure you being happy I would do absolutely everything in the whole world, if that meant attempting to sacrifice and push aside this reality, I would. But it isn't what you want, it has been made so clear for so long, and I am only sorry for having and getting my hopes up, naively. I guess one day there could potentially be a middle for us to meet, and we could catch up on every second like I have always wanted, but now I must go my way, and you yours, if not for any reason besides that we already have. I will love you forever. And feel badly somehow, for not being good enough, but for now I need nothing else than to find my peace, within this, and foremost with myself. I do want to thank you though for everything that you taught me, and raising my expectations and standards in every way in friends, friendship, and people, I know now that I needed it. I hope that despite some things, you feel that way, too.
I tried, but couldn't find the last words that you said to me about the people in your life now and myself, as an apology. I realized also that an apologize is not what I am looking for, I want us, both, to be happy, and have never wanted anything else. I am so sad to see that we are trying the way that we are, but I know now why we cannot involve each other in that, and I will do my very best not to be sad about that.

Easier

                ^{I am having troubles forgiving these big things that changed my life very much. I just wish that I could, it is easier.}

Hundred

top one hundred

1. wicker park 
2. the science of sleep
3. moulin rouge
4. fight club
5. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
6. the tree of life
7. donnie darko
8. the illusionist
9. a single man
10. like crazy
11. the royal tenenbaums
12. seven pounds
13. beginners
14. the matrix
15. closer
16. inception
17. melancholia
18. drive
19. blue valentine
20. new moon
21. moonrise kingdom
22. forgetting sarah marshall
23. signs
24. the village
25. the kids are all right
26. garden state
27. v for vendetta
28. vanilla sky
29. mr. and mrs. smith
30. the curious case of benjamin button
31. scott pilgrim vs. the world
32. the strangers
33. brokeback mountain
34. waking life
35. the greatest
36. the shining
37. never let me go
38. the future
39. ruby sparks
40. an education
41. 8 mile
42. spice world
43. josie and the pussycats
44. mean girls
45. charlie's angels
46. zoolander
47. shutter island
48. brothers
49. cloverfield
50. weekend
51. finding joe
52. life in a day
53. my week with marilyn
54. take the waltz
55. watchmen
56. titanic
57. the reader
58. youth in revolt
59. twilight
60. mathilda
61. fantastic mr. fox
62. (500) days of summer
63. scary movie 3
64. wedding crashers
65. i'm still here
66. life or something like it
67. anchorman
68. talladega nights
69. elizabethtown
70. vicky cristina barcelona
71. juno
72. howl
73. zodiac
74. death proof
75. the rocky horror picture show
76. little miss sunshine
77. the dark knight
78. the girl with the dragon tattoo (2011)
79. the master
80. memento
81. the town
82. shame
83. chloe
84. american beauty
85. i love you phillip morris
86. before sunrise
87. the fountain
88. the social network
89. the virgin suicides
90. a series of unfortunate events
91. ferris bueller's day off
92. hanna
93. sucker punch
94. kick-ass
95. jane eyre (2009)
96. creation
97. young adult
98. the life aquatic with steve zissou
99. a beautiful mind
100. jennifer's body

the adjustment bureau

easy a
milk
martha marcy may marlene
stranger than fiction
katy perry: part of me

amelie

changeling

adventureland

get rich or die tryin
the prestige
super 8
catch me if you can

work in progress..