Don't Have To

It's a different sort of missing someone when you don't have to,

and when you do.

Fidgety Fingers

Do you have time to learn all of my nervous habits as of late, will you know them?
I do this thing where I stare at my left hand, and watch my pointer finger and thumb move around each other.
I do this thing where I press my tongue against my top teeth, a dental hygienist recently called it tongue thrust.
I do this thing where I sweat through everything I am wearing, I do hide the shaking better.
I do this thing where I hold my line of my jaw, to protect my neck.
I do this thing where I am thinking while I am talking, the sentences are choppy and fade off without me noticing.
I do this thing where I cannot keep still, where I cannot move.


You knew me when my walls were small, and destructible, my teeth have moved since, I can drive next to the center divider now, sometimes even beside a semi truck, I still cut my nails too short, I can drink my coffee black like you do, and wine with dinner, my car is the same, I am only half ashamed of that, I sleep more nights, can't use a pillow, same side of the bed,  stand up for myself, cause a scene at more appropriate times, wake up early in the morning like you seem to, I have scars I have been meaning to show you, because I still need this, as much as it is worth it, which consequently, is a lot.

The Abyss Stares Into You

    "BATTLE NOT WITH MONSTERS, LEST YE BECOME A MONSTER"

By Himself With Me

 He said to me, our time spent together was as close as he could be to being alone. My eyes welled with tears of joy, seldom had I ever been told something so beautiful to feel.

You Were Already Gone Before I Found You

"As life leaves her body sometimes he screams, "me too!"
All he ever wanted was to teach you, to reach you"

Something More Important

I was half-sitting half-lying on the floor, it was a light wood, but not quite blonde. You were standing fairly far behind the couch that I was in front of. You were not at the forefront of my mind. Your niece was sitting on the floor with me, we talked, and played, but I watched her mostly. You stood back with a small appreciative smile, there was another person in the room, but I did not know who, or pay them any mind. I was not engulfed by every thought that you could be thinking, I knew peace. There was something of greater importance than my embarrassment, and I had found it. Some dreams are too easily decoded to mean nothing at all. I remember feeling immense amounts of gratitude as well, but not to be honored by your presence or tolerance, but to be in your home, to feel welcome. I said your name aloud, I did not feel nervous. I was grateful to be getting to know a person you cherished, who meant so much to you. This, for once, was not about what I meant to you. I felt lasting, I felt safe. I felt as though I was building something.

I had a very telling dream, of comfortability and family.
It wasn't even about you.

I thought today that both of us whole-heartedly blame ourselves, therefor neither will ever forgive, 
but we will forgive, we will forgive ourselves.

I am so sorry for making this complicated.
 "

"

Choppy Waters

I'm concerned about my need to rock the boat for an emotional response.

The First Time

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Kindly

an empathetic, negative lover

an abrasive, quiet lover

an obsessive, distant lover

a romantic, exhausted lover 

 "There's a battle going on inside
 nobody's safe from"

Battle For Control Will Be Won

" 

Aquarius – Chariot (7 of Wands) Your willpower will be tested this month. It’s imperative you gain control before reacting to any situation. Something you recently shared may not elicit the response you had hoped. Instead of arguing or running away, prove your strength by showing your determination. Stick to your convictions and remain composed; this shows integrity, no matter what happens. Victory lies more in the manner in which you conduct yourself than in the actual outcome. Keep in mind that behavior can communicate as much as language can – what are your actions saying and are they consistent with your words?

Are you in control? Did you just win big? Have you finally reached a new level of accomplishment? Are you being handed control of a big project? The Chariot is the Tarot card most associated with victory and control. When you see this card in a Tarot reading in times of struggle, understand that when Caesar conquered an opposing army, his victory parade made the years of struggle worth it. If you are not yet victorious, learn to appreciate your struggle, as the celebration you can have will be even more enjoyable with your challenges still fresh in your mind. 


The king here is in his moment of triumph. He has just arrived from a great victory and is paused to survey his ever-growing kingdom, The sphinxes which pull the chariot indicate a triumph over a foreign land, as Caesar benefitted form the conquest of Egypt. And yet the sphinxes themselves represent the unsolvable riddle. The black and white sphinxes mimic the black and white pillars of The High Priestess card, representing knowledge as a key to victory and conquest being predicated on solving the riddle first. The star on his crown is the star from Tarot Card #17, The Star, indicating he had great hope and inspiration in making his conquest.

Cards with the number 7 in them accompanying The Chariot in your reading add to the potency of this card. The Seven of Wands emphasizes the battle you are fighting and its importance in enjoying the fruits of your victory.
"

Dyl

Following Positive Personal Events

"Definition proposed in DSM III-R for further review

Self-defeating personality disorder is:

A) A pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which he or she will suffer, and prevent others from helping him, as indicated by at least five of the following:

1. chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
2. rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her
3. following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain (e.g., an accident)
4. incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
5. rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
6. fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write his or her own
7. is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is unattracted to caring sexual partners
8. engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice

B) The behaviors in A do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of, being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused.

C) The behaviors in A do not occur only when the person is depressed."

"

Subtype	Description	Personality Traits
Virtuous	Including histrionic features	Proudly unselfish, self-denying, and self-sacrificial; self-ascetic; weighty burdens are judged noble, righteous, and saintly; others must recognize loyalty and faithfulness; gratitude and appreciation expected for altruism and forbearance.
Possessive	Including negativistic features	Bewitches and ensnares by becoming jealous, overprotective, and indispensable; entraps, takes control, conquers, enslaves, and dominates others by being sacrificial to a fault; control by obligatory dependence.
Self-undoing	Including avoidant features	Is “wrecked by success”; experiences “victory through defeat”; gratified by personal misfortunes, failures, humiliations, and ordeals; eschews best interests; chooses to be victimized, ruined, disgraced.
Oppressed	Including depressive features	Experiences genuine misery, despair, hardship, anguish, torment, illness; grievances used to create guilt in others; resentments vented by exempting from responsibilities and burdening “oppressors.”

"

Waiting Games

That afternoon we were walking together up park boulovard, and I explained to you that I am not a possessive lover; I am not looking for owership, I was lying. I miss wordlessly dropping broccoli into your soup as you are eating. You were who I called when I needed to go to the hospital, I was who you called when we went to the hospital. If I am not someone else's number one, I feel as if I am nothing at all.

I want to call you every single day at three o'clock, come to your house and tell you how much better you are than everyone.

Feels

If you speak with me long enough I know you will see I understand nothing, and feel everything.