"I have a growing queue of things I know
will make you laugh and I don't know where to put them"
A love story
-
A Love Story, if told correctly, will do nothing less than ruin your heart.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The Best Conversationalist
I am so obsessed with the past. I'm enthralled in it, exalt it, the past is in my every thought, dream, word. I hold its stillness in my hands, I soak it into my pores and live it, feeling it pulse and flow through my veins. Then I squeeze it, both hands, my craving, its fragility, white knuckles, I grab and clench until it comes squeezing out each side and between each finger. This is beyond relishing, this is beyond anything is the actual moment, replaced by memory so completely. I can control my thoughts, I can relay the parts I want to. Every person and each event is not so much playing a part developing my future, but engaging all that was before. I do not feel the present, it does not interest me. I dressed up my previous happenings to be my beautiful, spectacular, flawless everything. I remember it how I want to, and I want to. I feel it in my veins, in my dreams, it's passion, love and happiness, I breathe in, all I could ever want.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
As Likely
"You will be isolated in your moment of deliberation.
The outcome may not be pretty, but the strength to your personhood that the result of this challenge brings is unmistakable."
This is so big that I knew then as I know now that it isn't about me.
"His blade is a double edged one, and he is as likely to hurt himself. as he is as likely to accomplish his idealistic feat."
I see this in everything for it is my best and my worst.
"Maintaining this aspect in our personality requires us to overcome the endless self-induced cuts, or jaded realities that block what is right.
Wholeness requires us to hang onto our idealism."
The outcome may not be pretty, but the strength to your personhood that the result of this challenge brings is unmistakable."
This is so big that I knew then as I know now that it isn't about me.
"His blade is a double edged one, and he is as likely to hurt himself. as he is as likely to accomplish his idealistic feat."
I see this in everything for it is my best and my worst.
"Maintaining this aspect in our personality requires us to overcome the endless self-induced cuts, or jaded realities that block what is right.
Wholeness requires us to hang onto our idealism."
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Right?
"Too much thinking has caused your current impasse. Your focus on trivial concerns has stunted the development of fresh ideas, and your recurring stress is nothing more than ongoing commentary in your mind. Fortunately, if you suspend analysis, you’ll get a new vantage point from which to quietly view your life. A project in the making will encounter several frustrating delays. Don’t listen to the naysayers, including the ones in your head. To pull yourself out of this mental deadlock, you will need to make a radical paradigm shift. Be mindful of your words this month as ears are everywhere."
The Hanged Man
"He who can understand that the story of his higher nature
is imbedded in this symbolism will receive intimations
concerning a great awakening that is possible,
and will know that after the sacred Mystery of Death
there is a glorious Mystery of Resurrection."
"Grant me the wisdom to know what I do not have the power to change."
is imbedded in this symbolism will receive intimations
concerning a great awakening that is possible,
and will know that after the sacred Mystery of Death
there is a glorious Mystery of Resurrection."
"Grant me the wisdom to know what I do not have the power to change."
Normalcy!
11 random things about myself:
1. I'm starting to believe hole in your lip to be more than an expression
2. I admire people who listen to songs on repeat for long amounts of time
3. The warmth of the sun in the morning gives me a glimpse of hope for my day
4. I respect the people in my life, who don't know
5. Happiness for me is when I am conscious of happiness
6. I am ashamed on a daily basis of the things I haven't learned
7. I'm obsessed with compound words
8. I wrote a song in second grade, with a chorus and everything, I spelled chorus wrong at the time
9. One of the first and most important things I watch for is what others watch for
10. I find immense pleasure dwelling on unspoken things
11. A dear friend of mine told me once that when it gets hard he says to himself "just get through the goddamn shift." I think of that when I'm struggling and it helps every time.
11 questions Z asked:
1. My favorite and most prominent is Mollie U. it always makes me happy each time I hear it. I like Moll like when my boss says it by accident (correcting himself each time) and when one person calls me Molls and Mulls.
2. The hardest obstacle I am in the process of overcoming, and realized is the source of all my obstacles (again) this last year, is my mind.
3. "Home" to me is this apartment now. My bed, or with my brother always. Or anywhere with Austin.
4. My favorite food is pineapple pizza. As far as meals just anything familiar or sentimental, South Pine or Sopa.
5. My favorite place to run away to. A movie theater came to mind, but sleep more honestly. (Glee, the most honestly.)
6. I don't take for granted, but seemingly similar is how I act towards those I love in my life and my family. I wish to improve that.
7. Very earliest is a view from the street in Nevato. Then a white fence from a car.
8. Painfully a lefty.
9. Sleeping sockless is one of the most treacherous and uncomfortable things I have ever endured
10. Definitely very sunny, but not through my blinds or curtain. But warmish.
11. Quaint was definitely first.
11 questions for people who also like answering questions:
1. When you think of smiles who/what comes to mind?
2. Absolute favorite guilty pleasure?
3. A lyrics, line or quote that describes you (or life) perfectly?
4. First thought when you look in a mirror?
5. The last event that made you grow?
6. How do you tend to sleep?
7. The best word you've heard?
8. The first movie, book or song that changed how you really thought of things?
9. The last four things that you google searched?
10. Something that will never not make you laugh? (you can't say double negatives)
11. A time you would go back to if you could tweak or alter your words, actions, thoughts, or choices?
1. I'm starting to believe hole in your lip to be more than an expression
2. I admire people who listen to songs on repeat for long amounts of time
3. The warmth of the sun in the morning gives me a glimpse of hope for my day
4. I respect the people in my life, who don't know
5. Happiness for me is when I am conscious of happiness
6. I am ashamed on a daily basis of the things I haven't learned
7. I'm obsessed with compound words
8. I wrote a song in second grade, with a chorus and everything, I spelled chorus wrong at the time
9. One of the first and most important things I watch for is what others watch for
10. I find immense pleasure dwelling on unspoken things
11. A dear friend of mine told me once that when it gets hard he says to himself "just get through the goddamn shift." I think of that when I'm struggling and it helps every time.
11 questions Z asked:
1. My favorite and most prominent is Mollie U. it always makes me happy each time I hear it. I like Moll like when my boss says it by accident (correcting himself each time) and when one person calls me Molls and Mulls.
2. The hardest obstacle I am in the process of overcoming, and realized is the source of all my obstacles (again) this last year, is my mind.
3. "Home" to me is this apartment now. My bed, or with my brother always. Or anywhere with Austin.
4. My favorite food is pineapple pizza. As far as meals just anything familiar or sentimental, South Pine or Sopa.
5. My favorite place to run away to. A movie theater came to mind, but sleep more honestly. (Glee, the most honestly.)
6. I don't take for granted, but seemingly similar is how I act towards those I love in my life and my family. I wish to improve that.
7. Very earliest is a view from the street in Nevato. Then a white fence from a car.
8. Painfully a lefty.
9. Sleeping sockless is one of the most treacherous and uncomfortable things I have ever endured
10. Definitely very sunny, but not through my blinds or curtain. But warmish.
11. Quaint was definitely first.
11 questions for people who also like answering questions:
1. When you think of smiles who/what comes to mind?
2. Absolute favorite guilty pleasure?
3. A lyrics, line or quote that describes you (or life) perfectly?
4. First thought when you look in a mirror?
5. The last event that made you grow?
6. How do you tend to sleep?
7. The best word you've heard?
8. The first movie, book or song that changed how you really thought of things?
9. The last four things that you google searched?
10. Something that will never not make you laugh? (you can't say double negatives)
11. A time you would go back to if you could tweak or alter your words, actions, thoughts, or choices?
Real Happiness
“… In the middle of the non-tragic aspect of it is that pursuit for happiness, real happiness. So oftentimes what happens in the sphere is that one person falls in love with another person and this person.. it may not be reciprocated by this person. And it can cause the person who loves the most to feel like they’re at the mercy of the person who loves the least and it can cause them to sit on the edge of their bed for weeks or even months at a time with the wind knocked out of their heart, in a knife fight with their ego, dealing with this rejection and not knowing what to do ‘cause it can really be all consuming.”
I Felt Compelled To Tell You
The fear forefront in my mind.
I was having a hard time, and I recall in a very fleeting manner I made a decision to do something brash to isolate myself, I believe to think. Where ever I was, which felt like Highway 20 but looked more like space, it was fairly dark and I was extremely high up. I did not look over the edge. The small platform I was on seemed to be made of a black steel, and had a low gate around it, that looked like bars. The lights of the city in many colors and in every direction lay far, far beneath me, I seemed only vaguely aware of that. My crippling fear of heights was momentarily at bay, remaining in my head, and alone in the middle of where ever I was. Then, to my surprise, a person had ridden to where I had taken myself, I was conscious that it was a segue way in their travel, and the vibe of my surroundings felt more like college, and I struck myself on a pathway I could not get down from. This person is precisely who it would be, and subsequent to my shock I immediately came to terms with this. I did not think that this person came to this place for me, but contemplate if them moving to the city had anything to do with me. They knew I was here, and here first. I was bombarded in this confined space with this person now there and this short-ish asian who followed that person there. They seemed to be new friends, but I didn't take it seriously and noticed the girl's demeanor, then thick black hair. This random person who I literally thought of as 'random' lingered behind us as we spoke, I wasn't sure exactly what to say and let that person lead and carry the conversation. The person seemed happy and I saw, and heard that. They showed interest in me and everything I spoke of, mostly pertaining to myself, they responded knowingly instantly. I would talk of something and they would just know. I became increasingly disturbed by the unsafe platform and how absurdly high up I was. No one else was fearful at all, and I was only scared for myself, and very scared. I knew when they kept walking and I was left alone again the fear would hit me, hard, it would devour me and whether or not I would attempt to find a way down, I would be faced with something awful. My panic then started to increase, I needed to then tell this person of my concerning state, I say I don't know if they know but I have "This fear of heights." They replied laughingly that they "Remembered", retelling stories of our past. As pleased as I am by the conversation, in the forefront of my mind is only how terrified I am, how in danger I am of falling, and how much worse it would be. I then think of this person recollecting all these memories of me, and it reminds me of the night with the white strips. I feel loved and revered, it felt so good and had been so long. I am shown then the quiet friend, it was both trivial and significant. I know this, and also laughed to myself at how appropriate it was that they had the upper-hand, so stupidly, but I was blatantly alone and this person had brought a friend. They had to leave, a path I could not go, there was no big goodbye and then they walked off into the darkness. I looked over the side then, I absorbed completely the microscopic dim yellow lights that were the city, and the world below. I felt the terror in my chest, the horror of this all-consuming and engulfing fear, and could think of and feel nothing else. I shouldn't have come, it wasn't worth it. This was my fear, I was panicked, trapped and alone, with only that. My breathes are deep, fast, hard, and mortified. I then wake up.
I was having a hard time, and I recall in a very fleeting manner I made a decision to do something brash to isolate myself, I believe to think. Where ever I was, which felt like Highway 20 but looked more like space, it was fairly dark and I was extremely high up. I did not look over the edge. The small platform I was on seemed to be made of a black steel, and had a low gate around it, that looked like bars. The lights of the city in many colors and in every direction lay far, far beneath me, I seemed only vaguely aware of that. My crippling fear of heights was momentarily at bay, remaining in my head, and alone in the middle of where ever I was. Then, to my surprise, a person had ridden to where I had taken myself, I was conscious that it was a segue way in their travel, and the vibe of my surroundings felt more like college, and I struck myself on a pathway I could not get down from. This person is precisely who it would be, and subsequent to my shock I immediately came to terms with this. I did not think that this person came to this place for me, but contemplate if them moving to the city had anything to do with me. They knew I was here, and here first. I was bombarded in this confined space with this person now there and this short-ish asian who followed that person there. They seemed to be new friends, but I didn't take it seriously and noticed the girl's demeanor, then thick black hair. This random person who I literally thought of as 'random' lingered behind us as we spoke, I wasn't sure exactly what to say and let that person lead and carry the conversation. The person seemed happy and I saw, and heard that. They showed interest in me and everything I spoke of, mostly pertaining to myself, they responded knowingly instantly. I would talk of something and they would just know. I became increasingly disturbed by the unsafe platform and how absurdly high up I was. No one else was fearful at all, and I was only scared for myself, and very scared. I knew when they kept walking and I was left alone again the fear would hit me, hard, it would devour me and whether or not I would attempt to find a way down, I would be faced with something awful. My panic then started to increase, I needed to then tell this person of my concerning state, I say I don't know if they know but I have "This fear of heights." They replied laughingly that they "Remembered", retelling stories of our past. As pleased as I am by the conversation, in the forefront of my mind is only how terrified I am, how in danger I am of falling, and how much worse it would be. I then think of this person recollecting all these memories of me, and it reminds me of the night with the white strips. I feel loved and revered, it felt so good and had been so long. I am shown then the quiet friend, it was both trivial and significant. I know this, and also laughed to myself at how appropriate it was that they had the upper-hand, so stupidly, but I was blatantly alone and this person had brought a friend. They had to leave, a path I could not go, there was no big goodbye and then they walked off into the darkness. I looked over the side then, I absorbed completely the microscopic dim yellow lights that were the city, and the world below. I felt the terror in my chest, the horror of this all-consuming and engulfing fear, and could think of and feel nothing else. I shouldn't have come, it wasn't worth it. This was my fear, I was panicked, trapped and alone, with only that. My breathes are deep, fast, hard, and mortified. I then wake up.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
You Told Me You'd Never Forgive Me If I Did What I Did And You Never Did
"It's gone
and might never reappear."
I memorized things, like your freckles
like a map, so I could find my way back home
(to safety, security and comfort)
now time has elapsed, and I can't recall things
like your favorite color (I think it was yellow)
I do remember that feeling
still present in my dreaming
you are always watching and observing me
and no one may ever care again
but I don't know you any longer
not relevant to this feeling
I could never for a second blame you
since I still hold you as perfect
you could never do anything wrong
too intricate and premeditated
I was messy
still kicking myself each painstaking minute
(that I fucked it up, like I do)
I messed things up with you
I truly thought capable to lift you up
from that place you had been laid
with my innocence, with my meaning well
but I was digging my grave,
pulling skeletons from my own closet,
and rising my ghosts up from hell
know I am still sorry for bringing to light
those things you put to rest
know I haven't been able to rest since
ps- you became such a large part of me that I became unable to forgive myself until you forgave me but you never did and never will.
and might never reappear."
I memorized things, like your freckles
like a map, so I could find my way back home
(to safety, security and comfort)
now time has elapsed, and I can't recall things
like your favorite color (I think it was yellow)
I do remember that feeling
still present in my dreaming
you are always watching and observing me
and no one may ever care again
but I don't know you any longer
not relevant to this feeling
I could never for a second blame you
since I still hold you as perfect
you could never do anything wrong
too intricate and premeditated
I was messy
still kicking myself each painstaking minute
(that I fucked it up, like I do)
I messed things up with you
I truly thought capable to lift you up
from that place you had been laid
with my innocence, with my meaning well
but I was digging my grave,
pulling skeletons from my own closet,
and rising my ghosts up from hell
know I am still sorry for bringing to light
those things you put to rest
know I haven't been able to rest since
ps- you became such a large part of me that I became unable to forgive myself until you forgave me but you never did and never will.
Sad Sleep Stays Spine
"Well I've cried and you would think I'd be better for it
But the sadness just sleeps and it stays in my spine
For the rest of my life
And I've learned and you'd think I'd be something more now,
But it just goes to show it is not what you know
It's what you were thinking at the time.
This feeling's familiar, I've been here before
In a kitchen this quiet I waited for
A sign or just something that might reassure me of anything close
To meaning or motion with a reason to move
I need something, I want to be close to
And I scream, but I still don't know why I do it
'Cause the sound never stays it just swells and decays
So what is the point?
Why try to fight what is now so certain?
The truth is all that I am is a passing event that will be forgotten."
But the sadness just sleeps and it stays in my spine
For the rest of my life
And I've learned and you'd think I'd be something more now,
But it just goes to show it is not what you know
It's what you were thinking at the time.
This feeling's familiar, I've been here before
In a kitchen this quiet I waited for
A sign or just something that might reassure me of anything close
To meaning or motion with a reason to move
I need something, I want to be close to
And I scream, but I still don't know why I do it
'Cause the sound never stays it just swells and decays
So what is the point?
Why try to fight what is now so certain?
The truth is all that I am is a passing event that will be forgotten."
Friday, February 10, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Sick Garble For The Uninspired
Getting your most personal worst fears confirmed is indeed a terrible thing. But it is not so much that another has ruined, destroyed, or even killed a part of you, someone just made your life worth living for a little while. The issues, insecurities and despising one's self were long ago ingrained, perhaps even in the process of your dna construction. I've come to terms with some simple and bittersweet revelations, I'd like to think, in the past two days. I have been repeating to myself that not every portion of everyone's life is exciting, and love-filled, and fulfilling, joyous and something to indefinitely write home about. There will be calm stints, that do not mean it is all over. I have such a natural catastrophe-driven outlook when it comes to my life, and myself, prepared for the worst paired with being so devastated over how I expect things to go. Life changes when you are conscious and able enough to make action, or any decision, with the knowledge in mind and heart that you are the person in control. The best situations in my life have arisen from my own effort towards them and appreciation of them. I read something somewhere last night so trite, so repetitive and even plainly stated, somehow or another it hit me like a ton of bricks. What I read was how all things come to an end, everything, and it was about the silliness in thinking that something would last forever. It's not sad that it's ended, or it is over, it was real and it happened and it ended because each and every thing does. I was in awe of such a concept I had known so well. It had to end sometime, what's so bad about it ending when it had to? I have realized I need some saving, but nonetheless I will not live my life in such a total and outright pity party. Grow up. "Yeah, being twenty years old, twenty one, and not knowing what you're going to do." Join the club. Just try to be content in any way possible in the time being. I wanted less for my self, and was choked and blinded by its truths. The things that haunt and torture me may in fact proceed to for so many years to come, as years that they have, possibly even for so long that they carry into my next lifetime, perchance they already did from the prior.
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