We Have Nothing To Lose

"For a long time now, our relationship has been hanging by a thread, and a thread moreover mostly consisting on past disappointments, and we have nothing to lose by cutting it."



"You will be the best judge

as to what this moment means to you, 

the rest is silence."

Shred

I hear and feel the shrill tear of thick fabric. The ripping radiated even when the noise ceased, and I wondered if other people sleep this restless. I wondered if I was even awake, and had in reality unintentionally torn my bedding, 
I looked in the morning and I had.



I recall how difficult it always was for me to rest when things did not seem good between us, I remember how I would lie there awake to your left as you slept and would often contemplate leaving after hours passed. I every time chose to stay because I would rather be there with you, while it was bad, than alone. I presume some things never change. I felt accepted, genuinely, for the first time, not before by my peers, parents, friends, boyfriends, anyone, just this. It's equally perplexing how you could grow to love me so dearly, as it is how tiresome I could grow to not be deserving of a single word for months and months and months.


It feels too much like vacation. 
It won't keep up for long. 
A brief stint of numbness,
soon enough back to the doldrums. 

But

  "Too raw to be embraced."

New Perspective

I see clearly now I will never love again unless in desperate hopes to commiserate. Because I feel now the results of my suggested six months to recoupetate. Space and time inevitably proved equally irrelevant. I presist to misinterpret my melancholy in my new future and element.

Paying Dues Not To Be So Blue

Squander my holy potential, I'd spit in my own face if I could. It's not worth going on like this. I swear to god I'd believe in him if I would. Do not put all your worth into someone who finds such extreme pleasure in making you feel truly worthless. The future looks as barren as the present feels. Someone up there made sure to squash the thought that I could get so much as half back to what I would give in. All I know now is that I'd make the trip if I should find a way to let your hands find my skin. Like that time in your grandparent's mansion. The time back when we were kids. It's the middle of the morning at night and I allow myself to sink into the sands of time, and I delve deep. In my desolate and lightless tunnel, god willing I sleep, or finally let this self depreciative martyr parish. Either way I'll soon be ready to wake with rest this nightmarish.

Assuming It Was No Good

"I was looking for love in an empty vessel
I nearly worked myself to death
I used to put whole worlds around your validations
now I was wondering if I actually should
I kissed my weathered wounds in a haunted old town
my clean ends over dirt and trash
I was thinking of you, what you might have been up to
but confident in assuming it was no good


I was searching for remnants, for relics of my former life
half-hearted books and heart felt keepsakes were all that I could find 
I was searching your bedroom, for any sign of life 
abandoned books and dusty keepsakes were all that I could find"

This Night

This night, and last few months serve as a testament to getting my shit together. Explain more later.

So Heavy

I feel every sidewalk step, for all was turned to drudgeries, the day I looked behind me. I would fucking kick myself, but I cannot while bound by a seemingly permanent clasp, I shackled to myself once.There lies friendship on the left ankle, and love on the right, and oh how they weigh the same, it has kept me in a straight line. But I am so in my head, going in circles, evenly and so small, I practically remain in the same place. This encumbrance is more than a reminder, but a token of assurance, that ensures that I grasp in every second of every day that I lost the two utmost important things to me in that moment. This strain is a confirmation that in the past I have tried my very hardest to keep my favorite cohort, and my favorite interest, and if I could not manage that, expending my greatest diligence, there is absolutely no indication I could ever. Oh what I still have to say and always will, and imaginably wouldn't be this lost if I didn't stray and wander from my path, repeatedly. I believed modestly that this despondence would fade and wither but instead incrusted, and became itself the grout, and I have attempted to make stained glass from my shards but proved to be nothing in the absence of your light. On my left, most nights I would just like to tell you about my day, and on my right, you brought blood to the surface, that I didn't know was there.

"And the silver turns to gray

stay with me arienette, until the wolves are away"

And I Forgot That Life Existed

"Come on in, my weary friend the welcome here is endless.
These fears of yours like painted whores they will not stay the night.
If all your life, you've done what's right, don't say you felt obliged.
Come along use your timid tongue, too shy to tell your story.
This pain in you so far removed from anything you've known.
So I won't condone another moan, not when everything is fine.
So in a drought learn to dance.
And pray the dead will return.
And dream of smoke without fire.
Just come see me again when it burns.
Somewhere here along the way, well I was lead astray
by a wolf in no ones clothing it was a brilliant disguise.
And I forgot that life existed I thought it was just some kind of game.
That's what brings me to your doorstep, though I don't know why I came today
standing still in the dust. given up on the rain.
And as for smoke without fire, I've already laid in the flame.
I've already laid in the flame.
Brother be afraid of flames
well I ain't afraid of flames."

Somethings Will Never Leave You (They Aren't People)

                   It's a beautiful certainty when you realize 
                 you can do absolutely anything, 
                contrasted with the ugly, 
              awful truth that you will 
            unavoidably hold yourself back
          from what you could never deserve.


                  If I can remember happiness,
                    it isn't myself, but the shape the
                       veins in your wrist made, the sound
                           you murmured in your sleep, and
                             not a thing about me that was not 
                               an everlasting fathomless feeling of 
                                 inadequacy that is still there, and here.

Wander Into The Same Dark

“It was as if, in order to love Leonard fully, Madeleine had to wander into the same dark forest where he was lost. There comes a moment, when you get lost in the woods, when the woods begin to feel like home.”

"One thing I learned, between addiction and depression? Depression a lot worse. Depression ain’t something you just get off of. You can’t get clean from depression. Depression be like a bruise that never goes away. A bruise in your mind. You just got to be careful not to touch it where it hurts. It always be there, though."

“She was extending a hand that I didn’t know how to take, so I broke its fingers with my silence.”

If You Want To That Is

I'm reading into his every word, they end with him telling me he will come here if I need him to, he would not necessarily plan to otherwise. It makes me wonder if he also feels the incongruent, untimely precedent weight of what has been, or shortly was. He says if I want to tell him. And whether or not he received my final message, more preeminent is if I ascertained his.


"My body is a dead language and you pronounce each word perfectly.”

With Tears

"I'm glad you got away, but I'm still stuck out here."

Will it all be forever despondent and distant from here on? Give it some time, you won't know me any more. And if I liked myself so much as a little I couldn't anyway, because it would all be on behalf of the things you brought upon and bestowed. I could never repay those who gave me that hopefulness, before it was taken away. 

un·re·spon·sive  (nr-spnsv)

adj.

Exhibiting a lack of responsiveness.

---

unre·sponsive·ly adv.

unre·sponsive·ness n.

Adj.

1.

unresponsive - not responding to some influence or stimulus insensitive - not responsive to physical stimuli; "insensitive to radiation" insensitive - deficient in human sensibility; not mentally or morally sensitive; "insensitive to the needs of the patients" responsive - readily reacting or replying to people or events or stimuli; showing emotion; "children are often the quickest and most responsive members of the audience"

2. unresponsive - aloof or indifferent; "was unresponsive to her passionate advances" cool - psychologically cool and unenthusiastic; unfriendly or unresponsive or showing dislike; "relations were cool and polite"; "a cool reception"; "cool to the idea of higher taxes"

adjective

1. Lacking responsiveness or alertness: benumbed, dull, insensible, insensitive, numb, stuporous, torpid, wooden. See awareness/unawareness.
2. Without emotion or interest: apathetic, detached, impassive, incurious, indifferent, insensible, lethargic, listless, phlegmatic, stolid, unconcerned, uninterested. See feelings.

Are Dead

“The mistakes I’ve made are dead to me. But I can’t take back the things I never did."

I Wanted To Be On

"Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I hope you never think about anything as much as I think about you."