Never Leave

     "I'll live but I won't die here."

Today Okay

"colour me in kindness,
cover me with love.
I'm blessed.

you are dead.

I know nothing of real pain,
I'm a child and I am spoiled.
I hate myself for my complaints,
I'm pathetic and I'm bored.
I cry simply at the thought.
I crumble at the sight.

I have never been in love,
I pretend to care.
convince myself that it's enough,
I was never there.
I am hiding in the dust,
sweep me underneath the chair.

I have never been in love.
I keep on giving up."

They Say Love/Hate

you complain that I steal all the covers, it's freezing and you'll catch a cold
you say that my coffee is always so inconsistent, and it's getting old

you say people who really love each other should have extended periods of silence
so I hold my tongue, let you smoke too much
you and I have heated discussions about escapism, and make a point to try not to raise our voices
I call you disgusting
you remind me often that you've blocked out and forgotten a lot of our memories together
you ask inappropriate questions, and I like that about you when you do
you always return our movies, and when you forget to do your dishes I know that you didn't mean to
you tell me to drive safe when it is late
but every time that I tell you that you won't like a movie, you make a point to watch it and enjoy it
because I don't know you and can't tell you what you're like
you send me important songs when you find them, and it inspires me to do the same
I say snide comments just to hit you where it hurts and bother you
you sit in bed in just your underwear, and make me watch cartoons
you said I must hate sleeping next to someone so distance and I said I'm not trying to date you or something
you answer all my questions very well, and said old pictures take you back, and made you think
you listen to me talk about a lot of stupid shit, a lot
you tell me when you think that I look cute, but always steal my lighters
you told me that you end up making your food when I tell you that I will
I love when you make us meals
you say you don't care, and will have to think about whether or not you want me to come with you when you get your next tattoo
you bought me a candy bar for no reason, and I can't ever forget that
I don't know what you think about some things, so I don't tell you some times what people say, like what our babies would be like..
you've figured out all of my passwords, and don't listen to me when I lecture you on privacy
sometimes I look at your face for a long time when you aren't noticing, because I appreciate it and you so much
you and I can't make a decision to save our lives, so we rarely pick a movie, hardly ever pick a restaurant, and drive around a lot more than we should
you said we are the exception to each other's rules, which often are the same, and we will never spend another minute second guessing this, and its permanence 

Dream Him

I persist to get weaker and weaker
as the sleeping aids get stronger, and stronger
I cannot be here any longer


His name was Lelin, with an E, that's what he told me, when I asked (about the spelling, not his name). The first thing that I noticed was his hair, then his eyes, it takes a lot for me to notice eyes. I am wondering if that is how his name is spelled. He put two fingers against his lips and looked at me with very big, searching eyes, we couldn't place each other. He asked where I had been, he did not ask where I worked, I said nothing, as in, I am doing nothing. He laughed at my dark tone, detestation for prattle. We agreed on everything though, it seemed.
I promise next time that I see him I will not just say that I have been around, but that I am almost sure that I dreamt him.
Today I cried and not in my car and it was bizarre.

Somewhere yet to be determined, I gave up on my life.


(The smell of herbs, it overwhelms, I wanted in that moment for you to love me, but you never will.)

Making The Worst Out Of The Good

If these walls could talk they would stammer and stutter; they don't know any different.
My brother told me that comfortability is power.
I attempt to conceal hard-shaking hands.
Nothing at all indicates that I will not forever lead this small, nerve-wracked life,
having all the tools, not certain how to use them.
But I just need to remember that I can do anything, anywhere, I can be the change, 
if I wanted it.

Too many people this week that I did not know, told me that I am so prone to substance abuse.
The phrase 'borrowed time'  has been coming up a lot lately, reminding me that this could not my life, this is not real life.

I am weirdly glad that all those whom are not around aren't, for this.

side note: i think i came to terms today with my brother being the only person in my family who is not a pathological liar at this moment in time.

"Like a scratch across a lens
That made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood"

Why I Don't Have A Journal

Pictures

Remember how I would tell you when I was certain that I figured out a thought process or habit of yours? One of the many was how you would leave little things, not just take small things, but leave them for people to find, and think of you later. I said once so sure, that you forgot things at my house intentionally, you always so faintly agreed, and smiled genuinely at my effort. All of these consistencies in your behavior and mannerisms, well these traits stay with me, what I mean is your pictures show up everywhere.

How Defeated I Return

"You were a song I couldn't sing 
you were a story I couldn't tell 
I've only ever loved myself,
But I've loved myself so well. 
And how defeated I return.
I missed what I was supposed to learn 
'cause all I learned about was missing you."

"You were a song I couldn't sing
caught like a bear by the bees with its hand in the hive
who complains of the pain of the sting
when I'm lucky I got out alive.
a life at best left half behind,
the taste of the honey still sweet on my tongue
and I'd run (Lord knows I've tried)
but there's no place on earth I can hide
from the wrong I've done."

"The true light of my eyes is a pearl
equally emptied to equally shine"

"You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect love
And I'm the living example of 100 percent the opposite of this"


"All this wishing I was dead, it's getting old

It's getting old, it goes on but it's old"

A Day Mystified

Often days I find myself too simple for this world, it makes me complicated and confused.
I like asking people what their tattoos mean, driving under overpasses in the rain, lying in bed thinking, talking on the phone, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, promises, socks, whispers and whispering, movies, I like reading what my friend's write, holding hands, song lyrics, making things, knowing people well, compound words, live music, the feeling when people remember things about me, the phrase of course, making food for anyone, hands, I like avocados, cold water, when people say that they miss people when they're with them, songs that say what you're feeling, looks that say something, quotes, learning things, handwriting, blonde hair, coffee with dessert, pillow talk, feeling when someone says they love you, duets, graffiti, modesty, smirks, when someone says something is perfect, when something is perfect, family dinners, facial scars, watching people do things that they gain nothing from, watching people cry, alternative versions of songs, siblings, newts, mochi ice cream, letters, snow, coincidences, art, songs about friendship, sharing things, when other people share things, and a lot of other things, and I like to think that I love them simply.

All In Lieu Of Decision Making

How do I ever tell this story with leaving you out of it, it would be like hearing a punch line.

[I need to evaluate, and rethink my morals, as in all of them, as in I need your reassurance, you always knew me better than I did. I have never since made a life choice taking your absence into account. Now I am just stuck here down the street, wondering what it is that I could do to draw you to me in a time of need, of course knowing it to be showing disinterest, the single thing that we may have in common now. I have to resist though, you're progressing so well, as if every step away from me takes me a step back, I just am left to dwell on if you are at all aware of that. I want to know what you know, as much as I want to know what to do, cause this is remarkably lost, for existing so damn close to you.]

Jokes on me, actually moving backwards through time.

With all the love that I had, which was too much.

All That Was Left

“I said goodbye again
sucking up all that was left of her into the
little that was left of
me.“

Seeing (In) You

Tomorrow could be a substantially impacting day
and honestly I've been working hard on my honesty
and truthfully the truth doesn't mean anything
if I can't tell it to you..

It would be so in the wrong to even ask you
if that was you driving ahead of me today
which in turn, makes me think
where did I so badly go wrong?

(I look at the palms of my hands and see the life line that you broke
looking at the top of my hands I see what I never saw in you though)


writing too much in cars and parking lots

"you were not only the essence of that
moment
but of all my moments up to then

yet there was nothing
I could tell you."

Dark Floaters

You are a hazy black spot in my vision, and it really is comforting, I miss you when I do not tell you that I do.