Lower Hand

I give everyone that I love so much the upper-hand in our relationship, and then resent them immensely for having it.

I told you one time, and one time only, that all things about us were on your terms. You told me that was not fair for me to say. So many years later, and I see that.

Twenty Second

There is this really bad movie, just about nearly unbearable, and I am watching it, all day and all night. If I wasn't the main character, I would stop.
Happy birthday, you've ruined my life.
I could go out, but I would have such a better time at home, thinking about the things we were talking about two years ago.

I Can See Your Spirit Or

"I feel no pain from your salt-mixed rain
If I grew a tree up to the sky
Feed it the words that would make it cry
A sad, sad song
You got me humming right along
To the words that the sun burned out
Shout them loud to make you proud
Soon I'll find my nerves entwined
Wrap me up in all of it
I can see your spirit or what's left of it

Patience, all this patience
Tapping toes and always looking at the time
Strung out, always strung out
This time I think that I've really lost my mind

My heartbeat is always weakening me
I can't find the strength within me
So if I go don't say I didn't see it coming
Sad song, you got me humming right along
Never wanted a part of this
But you signed me up first on the list
I'm scared but it can't show
I'm a storm while you're sleeping but you don't know
Not a shake, not a stir in your goddamn bones
There's rain drops on your window
And I see nothing much
Lack of visual, lack of touch
Now smoke fills the air
Serves as my crutch
And I never felt so fucked"

"I fear that we're losing such
This conversation is dull and is nothing to love
Where's the passion
Diminished, it lays in the past
And I'm distracted
It's taken me this long to grasp"

Fullest

“I have new power by pouring all my love and care in one direction to someone strong enough to take me in my fullest joy.”

Fiercely Clashing

I suppose I don't know who I am any more, lost it. All that I do know is that awful sensation brought upon by observing your happiness float out of you, my sadness leaking out of me too, and their coming right at each other. Your mouth is still as they collide, bustle and brawl right there in the middle of the room. I not only cannot meet you half way, but deeply resent your satisfaction and good humor. You ask why can't I just be okay (my counter accusation is more along the lines of sinking in hopeless despair). That contentment snaps at me, says you are just trying to get by, well that bitter mourning barks back telling that's the difference between you and I. Oh, it meant it. You share your good news, and I have never felt more disconnected.

I assure you that all I want is to be good, to you, and to myself, 
and I will be happy for you, 
even if you are happy.                                                                 I am ashamed of this stint of my life.

Marks On It

   "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks on it."

Closing Walls

"Being crushed from your closing walls.
I never thought it would have come to this.
I'd try to tell you but my lungs are being crushed.
My voice is the last thing that I thought I'd ever miss.
I hope this makes you see just how you destroy me.
Now I guess I'm just a liar.
Would I be lying if I said I don't know?
Now I guess that this is over
and I'm sorry that you have nothing to show.
I hope this makes you see just how you destroy me
and I can't do what you please
when I haven't been standing on my own two feet.
I'll come running back to you 
just like you knew I'd do."

Saint Understood

when god revealed himself 
in a fit of your tears
offering a holy proposal
to take back what happening bestowed you
and wrecked your head

would you save yourself the trouble
or are you far too privately delighted
that you have been tainted
even ruined
by something in no way worth it

oh it made you who you are
how spectacular

Coming Back To

  "You still open wide for salt when it's pouring down your wounds.

  And you're still not sure what's happening here because you're still not gonna try.
  And you're still addicted to the way back when instead of the coming back to life."

Type

"You had this sadness and the pain, it made you attractive" 

This wouldn't work in the absence of everything I loath, that kills me slowly, or instantly. The attributes that knock the wind out of me, kick the back of my knees, well they do just that. And if you were better, I would feel worse, if you openly liked me more, god knows I do get bored. So you'll play your games to keep me busy, decoding, and interpreting and translating a language I will never learn. 

"These skates
They were made for thin ice"

Let me suffer over this, agonized, or it is an utter waste of my time. Nothing will ever equate, with me treating you great, and I am fascinated with it being that way. The butterflies in my throat sound elegant, before I allow them to evacuate, let me barf all over something pretty, pretty straight forward.


"And I will call
until you call back to me"

For Your Health

I Must Be Bored

It is hard to tell what feelings are what. I was overcome with an overwhelming dissatisfaction regarding myself as a whole, so I sought out to aid that by the only means I knew how to. It felt as if I must tell you that the storm outside shook me to my core, and left an awareness in my chest I knew all too well, the notion I was entirely alone. People and thunder are not all that different sometimes, but of course that is not what I told you. I admitted one of my most prevalent truths, without you even knowing so. I want to be there for you, I just don't know how to. I am not sure how to so much as ascertain who it is I am speaking to. The words come pulling out like teeth, because these apologies are meant for everyone I ever felt that I let down. This is an all-encompassing sorrow, and yours unmistakably so. You confess that your sadness does not allow you to be yourself, that you are so sorry to me for that. My chest is shaking like the walls of the house, I tell you never to ask for forgiveness for warranted unhappiness. I am speaking to so many people in so many different years and places, but all the same situation. I am pulled back into the moment, like teeth, and realize yet again that I learned so little, I cannot heal your unhappiness, so I fall asleep.

"Thank you, you are literally the only person to say that to me." "You could never be too mushy so I find you perfect."

Doing Here

In my dream, as soon as you had a moment with me you asked, "What are you doing here?"
It wasn't what you meant, but I replied with, "I know." I endeavored to be funny and carefree, but I was sad, and wished to leave.

"you showed up belligerently drunk
and suddenly I was embarrassed
of all the poetry I'd written about you"

Subjective Devastations

  I have been so rattled, it is difficult to feel anything appropriately any more.

Car

     My mom asked me in the DMV if I was serious the other night when I told her on the phone that I wanted to die. The woman sitting next to me at the oil change, on a ninety degree day, explained to me that she felt winter coming, it was a feeling in the air.