Difficult

You left me when you needed me least

and every single emotion and idea is derived from that befall

how does this happen?

Obsessive compulsive dysfunction

press repeat, replay, stay

in those moments forever

because their dead remnants shine brighter

than anything that these people do not have the want 

to so much as attempt to conjure up

the shards of my broken mirror mistakes

make me feel alive in murky surface reactions with no reflection

our salty exchanges

and I am bleeding fucking everywhere

I call you perfect

you call me difficult

"I would rather never talk again than continue to pretend that this never ends"

When You're Sad

""
""

Close Distance

"I think if everyone just said what they were actually holding back, progress would finally be made."

Scraped

I try to bare my soul
but your name comes out
like marbles
I try to look for help
but it sounds an awful lot like
ice on a windshield

everywhere I go
they are saying your name
your reputation succeeds you
and consumes me

I am finding out about worth
and it seems worth it

if I am grateful for nothing else
it is learning

(I see you and the whole rest of my life is ruined
also this has been the hardest year
but I will not say that
the next)

Delicate Thoughts

"It's very delicate and thoughtful stuff"

I need your friendship like tea needs a tea bag.
Concentrated, organized, held, kept, monitored, cared for, safety.

"The quiet can scrape all the calm from your bones
But maybe it should, maybe we need to be hollowed"

On And On

Mirror

you accentuate my every fault and flaw, without even saying a word
oh how hard it is finding someone worth being better for

"You haven’t met yourself yet. But the advantage to meeting others in the meantime is that one of them may present you to yourself."

Corpse Roads

"And I'm so damned scared of dying without you

that I've come prepared

resolve from my life to wear a funeral suit

don't lie, don't lie, don't lie

I know we're fixing to die

and don't tell me how

I'll smile and pretend it won't show to the crowd

and I'll go without

punish myself for not knowing about

this lie, this lie, this lie

that we're fixing to die

and don't lie, don't lie, don't lie

I know we are fixing to die

and I'll be like this till the wounds leave the cry

and I won't give in, we'll be dead in the eyes

and I will see the dark things that you all try to hide

and I will not be the damnedest bit fucking surprised

no I won't be the damnedest bit fucking surprised

so let's not lie, let's not lie, let's not lie

I know we're fixing to die

don't lie, let's not lie, let's not lie

I know we're fixing to die"

Always Enticing

 you never ask me how I am doing
 and there is something so enticing
 about being irrelevant

Bathing

"Bath 
To dream that you are taking a bath signifies a cleansing of your outer and inner self. You are washing away the difficult times. This dream may also be symbolic of ridding yourself of old ideas, notions, opinions, and other negativities. Your dream may be pointing toward forgiveness and letting go."

"Bathtubs 
To see or be in a bathtub in your dream suggests a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems. You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying. Alternatively, it indicates your mood for love and pursuit of pleasure and relaxation."

"Naked
To dream that you are naked denotes fear of being found out and exposed over your activities. You feel that you are being misjudged. To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up signifies your vulnerability to a situation."
"To see a naked person in your dream and you are disgusted by it represents some anxiety about discovering the naked truth about that person or situation. It may also foretell of an illicit love affair, a loss of prestige or some scandalous activity."

I remember feeling anxious, a little stressed and worried about seeing you, or you seeing me, I mean I was in your house and all. I was in your living room, to my left of where the fireplace would be, in a fairly large white tub. The water had a thin, opaque layer of lavender colored suds on top of it, and I knew that I needed to be clean, but did not exactly know why it was I felt that I could not leave yet. The bathtub was new, and squarish, I floated around a bit in it, thoughts racing all the while, thinking about a lot of things. Suddenly you were walking up, then standing there in front of me, I felt a bit caught, and watched for your reaction. You were calm, placid, I was embarrassed, ashamed, I remember attempting to cover myself up as much as I could. I was abashed, humiliated, while still being glad to be speaking with you. I felt and watched me play everything up, and you play everything down. The bubbles dissolved with my movements until they were translucent; I was stark, uneasy, me. You stood there, never getting mad, never really being visibly affected enough, but also understanding. You found your way to remain the onset of everything, never getting involved all the while. I bare my truth, and you take it in, and I never know what you do with it.
As horrified with what has been displayed, as the need to display it.

Relative

"All this pain and hurt is relative"

you're taunting me, can tell it by your face

you feel each step away, so I am dragged backwards like gravity

I can't even say who is negative and who is positive

I Am Done

"I will find a crowd and blend in for a minute 
And I will try to find a little comfort in it

And I will get lonely and gasp for air
And send your name off from my lips
Like a signal flare"

   We bring out the worst in each other, and it is sad, but time to stop that, and this.
   The memory lasts longer than the event, I remember now and feel worse, time has come, to forget. 

“I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship.“

   I am so fucking sorry.

 (this voyage has been selfish, and I did not find what I was looking for, I only found myself)

Flowers

Spending all of my energy beating the same dead dead dead horse

when all of the flowers need watering

Stream

I am working on feeling more rational feelings
it is hard
I am seeing everything as being VERY manipulative, and manipulated
everything is about self esteem, and I would like to spend my time with people where it is less about that
he sat next to me, and read me a story about the degradation of two people within two years
it was all so relevant

everything I saw and heard was about me
it is important to stay home
and very, very important to stay at home this week

if I do not see you, it will be great
really good for us both
if you ever contact me again
it will be about boredom 

I was thinking tonight about how parents,
or at least my parents, did not explain to me how suicide really worked
I was thinking how my life is really good, and even has the potential to be far more amazing
I hate myself
you kill a mind, you kill a heart
you kill memories, and your future

I thought up all the pros and cons
the con only being the unknown
of what is afterwards
it could even be another life
where I am me all over again
and do not even know it

my will to live goes in and out
like breaths
fluctuates like my nervous
murmuring heart
saying that it is time to get up
but convincing myself that 
I am too tired

why get up just to go back down
why breath in, just to breath right back out
thinking about
every
little
thing
to the fullest extent

whether or not it is even empty

Some Form

"I don't even want you back. 
No, I would never want to risk something like that. 
'Cause I lost faith in myself, 
when I turned away from the one with the longest stretch of embracing arms to hold me. 
So now I'm all alone. 
I guess God grew too tired to fix the mistakes he made with love. 
I think his biggest mistake was making me.
 

I think that you deserve some form of apology. 
So here I am, at the end, I'm sorry."