Says A Thousand Words

"However much you talk
However well you talk
You make a certain sense
It's still only stupid talk
However much I strut around
However loud I sing
The Shining One inside me
Won't say anything"

Tooth

he said it is like a tooth
dangling there
on its last leg
just needs to be yanked out
once
and for all

a lot of things came to my mind

Phone Home

she told me that I am too frightened to make any decision, so I make none at all

the fear of failure rules my world

I start everything that I would want to do, a tiny bit, then forfeit instantly, easily

she said that I would make mistakes every day until I "fucking died", don't be so timid

it was nice though, it felt good to be reprimanded

she said that I beg for help, but will not take it until the other person is begging to give it

I could not have said it better myself, nothing on earth sounds more appealing, or needed

she said that my self esteem was so low that I've convinced myself I cannot do a single thing by myself

can't even take care of myself

she said she doesn't want me on the medication, but to make up my mind, about anything

say what I want, no one can "read my mind"

there was a pause

I spoke I did not know what it was I wanted

Wrote This Unconscious

have you ever traveled time? because i have

used my hands and his back

as an old worn out map

returning to a supposed to be distant town

reembarking on all of the familiar roads, setbacks and turnarounds

a bit redundant for you to bite my tongue, too

a bit ironic for me to look for anything inside of you

you did not feel a thing, as your fingers retraced and taunted

meanwhile i was feeling that worst feeling, the wanting to be wanted

sharing everything, except for our cups of water, and your cover

i dig so terribly deep for emptiness, i always surface with something or other

well your bare skin nocuously took me down that lane
funny that i should feel the same, or feel even more increasingly inane

mapward, the more familiar, the more lost

Easier

Tell me to tell you the treacherous tiny tragedies that tediously trigger this  outcome
tenderly trace the timeline two years  back
nothing ends right
except for this to be forced agonizing isolation
only just to sleep at night

"The shake in your voice makes me feel empty and ugly
All scattered anger like a windstorm, howling violently
And I wanna fade out and wake up somewhere else
Where no face is familiar and I'm left by myself
To keep plugging away on my own wasted time
To eat badly and spend all my money and write
To not feel too guilty
To be tired at night
Since I'm not fixing things here, I'll leave them behind
So you make your decision
I'm through making mine

Now I walk where the street swallows light like it's water
I see the slant of your smirk on every kid at the corner
But if you called, I'd never know what to say
So I just hope you never will
Things are easier that way"

Sobering Up

i said i only wish you would be a little bit happy for me
you said it is too hard to be any more
said that it is abundantly clear to see, i am setting out to fail more so than ever before

your truth poured like a hot facet
and i was soused in what i made to be love

Often Quietly

the guilt keeps you around, not here, but around
you see what you've done, because you are aware
and often do feel badly for it, because we know that I am a good person

I had an epiphany, the recurring kind
realizing over, and over, and over, and over
that there is a reason for my obsession with the emotionally vacant type
addiction to the despondent, unavailable kind

I like someone, I really like someone
they are not in a place to take care of me
but I do not mind, I accept them for their faults and flaws

I wait for it, often quietly, then they leave
often quietly
not really leaving, but definitely not staying
maternal, paternal
probably all of us
likely forever

but if you create the same dynamic, same relationship
ultimately, the consummation will again and again, end the same

Maybe Closer

The Most Beautiful Sand Castle

"Wheel of Fortune (5 of Wands) 

Changes and new opportunities are always available; however, to take advantage of them, you're the one that needs to move toward them. Be honest about how your problems might be serving you by asking yourself, "If I didn't have this problem holding me back, what would I be doing?" You may realize that what you're really resisting is the responsibility of having the very thing you wish for. Ironically, problems are buffers and excuses that disguise themselves as roadblocks. Stop spinning aimlessly and commit to a direction. The chance you've been waiting for presents itself around the 16th, so go for it!"

"Are we having fun yet? Don't take it too seriously. Are you obsessed with making the most beautiful sand castle on the beach, knowing that the wave will consume it at high tide? If you still work to make the turrets of your sand castle just perfect, you have mastered the Five of Wands. This is the card that appears to tell you that some things you are involved with are just fun and games – either lighten up and enjoy them or find a way to better integrate them with your life.

In the present position, the Five of Wands means that your life now has many mild dramas and exciting outings, but that they are insubstantial in the long run. Your chances of building a foundation for success will not ever come if you simply remain a pleasure seeker.

The mind is a strong influence and here its negative effects include: attachment to old forms with an attendant defensiveness to new input; a temptation to over rationalize the issues. Spiritual recklessness, carelessness, restlessness. Non-conformity to your correct spiritual group, guides - the reluctant student. Moral dilemmas. Amorality. Difficulty with challenges of the path. On the one hand spiritual apathy, on the other unnecessary spiritual forays.
Questions to Answer: How and with whom are you competing? What obstacles are you confronting? How do you present your ideas to others? With whom are you quarreling or arguing? And over what? What are you so excited about? What games are you playing?"

"Do things in your life suddenly seem to be moving as if guided by some destiny? Are you at a critical turning point in life or in a relationship? Are you aware that every action taken could result in major changes? Is the sense that you are being swept up in the tide of events and that every movement you make only makes the changes all the more irreversible? Could you ever have predicted the shocking path that recent events have taken?

The four corners are occupied by the symbols for the fixed signs of the zodiac. Tarot cards borrow illustrations from many traditions and the zodiac is among them. The lion is Leo and the bull is Taurus, the angel represents Aquarius and the eagle is the higher echo of Scorpio. The sense of destiny is confirmed in fixed zodiac signs as these are personality types that hold steady toward the inevitable. The Sphinx on the top of the wheel represents life's riddles. The snake is a reference to the tree of knowledge from which the snake tempted Adam. The red humanoid figure with the dog's head seems like some ominous demon, but this figure represents our shadow side, the inner animal we must confront as we evolve. And so the riddle encircling the wheel is to know ourselves in order to maximize the whims of fortune."

"The Five of Wands encourages an enthusiastic approach to change. Change is coming, whether you like it or not, however your challenge will be in ensuring that everyone is on the same page and is focused on dealing with this change constructively and positively. Currently, there is scattered energy resulting from misdirected enthusiasm. Everyone has many ideas but no-one is there to bring them into one consistent path forward. Your role may be in identifying a clear strategy and purpose that can be implemented by all involved."

 "You do not have to constantly prove yourself anymore."

My Favorite Thing To Do

""

“I need you to forget all the endings that demand paradise.“

“I loved her with all of my heart.
I loved her with all of everyone’s heart.
I said, “I may not love you forever.
But I will try with all of my weird might for as long as the day will allow.”
Everything is supposed to die.

It does not frighten me now.“

Black Leaf

I shook my head free

of your self appreciating ridicule

and my agreements

I spoke

trying to convince myself 

of a good-sounding lie

"people can do what they want"

weakly left my lips

you scoffed, and I walked outside

"It weighs too much this time

My hands are broken
She'll disappear again
Before we've spoken
The night we took that year
In Black Leaf Falls
All of the trees were bare
Next to the dance hall

I saw you outside
The bathroom stalls
You were just standing there
Out in the hall
You leaned your hip against
Against the wall
I'd love you anywhere
But Black Leaf Falls

Her perfume was so
I smell it still
I put her leaf upon
The window sill
I found it there today
Its color gone
It's in the water now
It's been too too long

I saw you outside
The bathroom stall
You were just standing there
Out in the hall
You leaned your hip against
Against the wall
I'd love you anywhere
But Black Leaf Falls

I'll fall asleep tonight
See where they take me
Fly with the maple seeds
See if she wakes me

I saw you outside
The bathroom stalls
You were just standing there
Out in the hall
You turned your eyes to me
I felt it all
I'd love you anywhere
But Black Leaf Falls
Oh, Black Leaf Falls"

Good News First

"Dear survivors and future survivors
I think we make our own kind of hell
and if you're going to love someone, anyone
why not start with ourselves?
and see where that takes us?
you losing makes you grow
do you want to lose with me?
growing helps you win
do you want to lose with me?
all the things your eyes have seen
that I can't see but I'll believe you 
if you believe me
and I mean you no harm
but I may the best disasters come to you
we need each other a lot more than we don't
my friends, my family
I cannot keep you, you are your own
but I will lay my heart down so I never go
and may I take it with me so I'll never be alone
on the stages of life
and these temporary homes

good news first
good news first to numb the pain

heres to the believers, and future believe
who can't keep each other in prisons
that's what we're serving
that's what we're deserving, yes
sometimes god doesn't talk
but then sometimes I try not to listen

losing makes you grow 

do you want to lose with me?

growing helps you win

do you want to lose with me?

all the trees in the forest grow tall together
why can't we?
we are moments passing by each other
holding on, and opening and closing again
like you were the air I breathe
but weeks and worlds apart
living in the only future that we used to talk about

good news first
good news first to numb the pain

dear achievers and future achievers
we will give all that we can take
so, take it and use it and duly abuse it
so, make your own kind of strength
losing makes you grow

do you want to lose with me?

growing helps you win

do you want to lose with me?
and I'm open to being wrong
it's all a guess
and more than anything I've lost, and yes
and I'm farthest way from home I think
I am closer to peace than to where I'm supposed to be
I've survived the utmost of this year
but it's hard to hold on with fingers crossed

good news first

good news first to numb the pain"

Fragility

 you left me with acute awareness
 hyper sensitivity
 left me with that fading all-knowing smirk on my face
 because you left me with nothing 



my throat's ripped and raw from singing your praises
so hang on
to all of your silence
as if it were words
rope me along
true love, from false pretenses
i got so desperate
i practically formed sentences

Glass In My Hand

"I charged at the waves
with a glass in my hand
I was tossed like a ball
at the bottle stand
and I landed beside your
remains on the stones
where your cold fingers
wrapped around my ankle bone
while maybe ten feet away was a star
thousands of times the size of our sun
exploding like the tiny balloons
you'd throw darts at"

An anchor's anchor.