The Weight Of Potential Emptiness

         acutely aware of my manipulations

         the scope of this is too much to bear

Drift Out

"As if I didn't already know how it felt: like watching myself drift out to sea, too captivated by the waves to call for help."

Note Outside My Door

What Cannot Be Done Alone

I had a dream the other night that I was in a kitchen, filled with everyone that I have ever been close to, and meant something very important to me. I was going to cook all of these loved ones a meal, and it was all that I wanted. Once I went to start, I did not have the adequate means, or food to do so. I was disappointed, devastated, scared, embarrassed. I asked a friend for help, once I found it absolutely necessary to, creating the polar opposite of everything that I intended. He could not assist me, though I begged, and everyone stood there waiting quietly, patiently, for we could not help each other at all.

 This could actually work 
 if I didn't want it to so badly

As Of Late

a constant state of horrific miserable befuddled ecstasy

Healing And Dying

      i kept a safe distance from your hospital bed, wanting to ensure you your wanted privacy

      you hover over my death bed, but assure no words of comfort, you always hated lying to me

Time

"you are constantly surrounded by people ...that need you... 

I don't want to fight for my time."

oh my god, everything is everything.

Like This

 I am not strong
 you keep pushing me under
 it is what I used to want
 I know
 I could drown anywhere

"You love dependency."

Two Car Head On Freeway Crash

"It's a train derailed and two car head 
on freeway crash each time we meet.
"and if it comes as some sort of surprise," 
she said "that I seem so composed, I've 
kept this moment closer to my eyes," she 
said,"than the glasses resting on the
edge of my nose."

Shadow am I! Shadow am I!
A question of a person, no said reply
Wolf am I! 
Wolf and shadow cast on the sheep as I pass by."

Round Teeth

can't tell if I am awake or asleep, for dreaming of you either or
you carefully told me personal passages, then chewed my lip til it bled, you don't know which hurt more

Six

"Six of Swords - A difficult cycle is ending - allow it to phase out now - quietly pass through it by setting your sights on the future. Look at things the way they are - not the way you want them to be. Think with an open mind. Investigate all the possibilities. You are experiencing an unpleasant, frustrating situation - sever yourself from it and you will know peace of mind and harmony, like the sunshine after a storm. You are making great progress now. Recognize that everything is relative to one's viewpoint and communicate in a non-threatening way that will allow other people to consider new ideas, thoughts, beliefs and attitudes from perspectives that they have not yet considered.

You carry your troubles with you, have adapted to them and they no longer represent a heavy burden to you. Blessed with the gift of support in adversity - the ability to stick with someone when their luck has run out or help them through difficult times and transitions to new phases - you maintain a personal perspective and mental tranquillity during times of turmoil. You are willing to "cross the water" to see the other persons point of view and in resolving arguments you "lay all the swords on the table" in order to achieve clarity and unruffled communications. You now recognize that by staying calm, you waste neither energy nor opportunity.

The emotions at work on the Mental Plane - duty and obligation make service a more attractive as well as necessary adjunct to the ego's programs. With the expansive lessons of the 6's, you mind begins to know that the boundaries of self do not stop at the surface of your skin and your goals begin to take on the air of the extended self. Helping others, with mental generosity, is seen as the way of helping self as your personal goals become more and more integrated with those of others. Even independent thought has an inclusive element of the immediate other - of the thoughts of those most important to you. The necessity of balancing give and take mentally is dealt with. Responsibility is accepted willingly as you become as reliable to others as you were to yourself at the level of the 4's. Service as work/profession appears here. Here is the application of mind to longer, more complex tasks, many of which are worthwhile causes. Advancement and promotion of ideas is increasingly important as progress comes principally through mental effort. your heart is energizing and pushing your mind, supporting your projects. motivation is high as mental goals are raised. Mental obligations and duties present themselves as laboratories for you to learn in. Protective mind in a positive sense. Consideration, mental recognition.

Questions to Answer: What immediate problems are you attempting to solve? Where will you go to solve them? Where in your life right now is mental clarity important? How are you liberating your mind from clutter and false ideas so that you can think clearly? When you step back from your problem to gain a clear perspective - what do you see?"

Gloomy Vanity

   "…succumbing to the gloomy vanity of drawing from self"

Lower Hand

I called you, and said, "I want to hear your voice." You replied that, "You can." I did not understand, that something good could happen for me. I forfeit all power, as if I couldn't even have it.

He said, "You need someone to tell you exactly what to do. And you will do it, the best that you can." I said yeah, he's right. He told me that without specific directions that I am lost, directionless. He never did tell me how to cure this. 

I saw a movie last night, a girl asked a man what happened in his life to make him need so terribly to be in control. I ponder the series of happenings and relationships that put me in a position to want to be nowhere near it.

"What do you see? (Weakness)
Tell me something that I don't already know.

Do you know what I see? An anal retentive prick, who can't dance, who can't breath ... because he is so self involved.
Who took your power away from you? Who made you feel so powerless you've become obsessed with control? Thinking everything through instead of feeling anything? Who? Who hurt you so much you never want to feel that way again?"