Finding The Strength To Come Up For Air

i wish i could bring you back,

it's as if your ghost

took all the attributes of you

that i hated most

i'm left with what was good

of you

i wish you understood

just that

i wish that i could bring you back

you're as gone as you could be

dead

and i'm just the fleshiest form of me

but you are so many layers deep

we know i cannot go down there for what isn't mine

i've gone to great depths

but god knows i may not resurface this time

In My Mouth

"I can’t breath with these words in my mouth
But I’m not going to say them
Yeah, I’ve made that mistake before"

It Dissipates

it gets hazy, sort of dark, colorless but not black, indescribably nothing. You feel it slipping away but it feels right, you knew it couldn't last forever, but you also don't expect anything to occur afterwards. Once it is really gone it is hard to imagine it happening at all, you wonder then if it was just projections, your mind playing tricks, you attempt to decipher what could possibly be real. You play it over and over again in your head, it never gets old, and even changes slightly time to time. Almost like a camera in a movie, the shot goes back and forth from face to face, you see smiles, and feel them radiating through time. You feel practically giddy with genuine happiness, and realize how foolish you were to have been blind to the fraudulence. You experience deception, coming to terms with never being able to get it back again, the feeling mostly, and then finally the thought crosses your mind that you would be better off without it at all. You question what you would be like without it, in your mind, and the notion breaks you. You are humiliated to speak of it, speak of anything so real, so false, it weighs you down most days. It was gone when it ended, but you've been feeling the repercussions of it fading, for two some years now. You hope one day, so desperately, that you chalk it up to a dream, like it was, all it could be, and let it go.

Weekend

           

Rephrasing

Rephrasing of Repeating Realizations:

I am totally aware of the counterproductive and very backwards nature of me apologizing for inappropriately feeling remorse (in the first place). I believe that the irony therein lies not the prior said statement, but rather the knowledge that both thoughts or concerns will be met with equivalent apathy, always have been. Also, more and more I am seeing that when someone is purging their own twisted personal truth, it isn't that catharsis is for the other person, confessions more than not have a hugely selfish overtone. Remember that. So, sorry to everyone who finds this confusing, not just my actions, but so often what you see to be my feelings towards your actions. The worst has been done, and all this really is, is not me attempting to prove my unwavering love any longer; I've grasped that I should more than detest most of you. If I could only apologize for your stabbing me, however deep, try to understand that you are not twisting, and I will take that. The learning process is acknowledging to myself the way that I should be reacting, in some other fucking version of this life, universe and its lessons. It is not learning to not let go, or hate you, for that makes me feel miles worse, and you much better, and it looks as if I look out for myself now. I was taught that. Just before you pinpoint this as some individualized, or special-circumstance situation, don't misunderstand, we both wordlessly see what you deserve, the rather arduous part it seems for us all is determining what is it that I do. Apathy, conceivably.


also, this is sleepless garble, 
and usually is.

Through

  "It should have been easy, passing,             but  it  is  like  walking  through  mud."

The Very Fact This Choice Exists

""

We Want The Same Things

Someone told me the other day to not get mistaken, by thinking anything changes.

Had Been That Long

I had a dream that I ended up in your house. I was at your table, with other people, and it was not the only thing different, everything was and I couldn't even recognize it. It had been that long. I couldn't get at all comfortable, with the slightest notion that you did not want me there, I tried to leave so badly. When I finally made it out I had no shoes, and walked the streets barefoot for a long time. I couldn't tell you I was in your house when I saw you, you told me that you already knew. I felt terrible, but you weren't mad. So I asked if you wanted a ride to work.

"You're bored of cheering me up
Bored of calming me down
Bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one

You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall
In the dark of the hall
That I'm still fumbling for

Because I'm lost in the black
I don't know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front
And I'm calling your name just as loud as I can

And I know there's words that we will never speak
And the questions can't be answered easily
But I want it to be easy"

I am working diligently on my honesty

and honestly it is hard

but when you find me

I will find the words

Ah

Love being proved wrong more than right.

Some Inside Jokes Some Good Times

Aside from the petty blurbs 
what ties are not imagined?
Were the thoughts even asked for?
It is time to go.

Come For Me

"I have lived my life so uncomfortably."

Prophecies

Survival instincts without a doubt go further than fight or flight, or life or death situations. I think that the subconscious desire to survive, paired with the conscious or subconscious wanting to prove yourself right, or be right, can be a very interesting thing. So, without even knowing it, you could have set up in your mind a self-fufilled prophecy, and could be repeatedly pleasuring yourself with the outcome of simply proving yourself correct in your own truths. For example, if I believed, in some suppressed or no more than latent sense that because as far back as I could remember that there were two types of meaningful relationships that I could be a part of, I had been living a life unknowingly affirming that truth. That is neither solely because I wanted to be right, or just because I thought it to be fact, it's probably some of both. When my mind was deciphering so many years ago, what a relationship really meant, knowing only my family members to base that presumption on, I think that I decided that there were two discernible relations, and outcomes from those connections, both ending with digression. A. The first kind is to find the loved one so remarkably disappointing, upon seeing that they will never change their ways, you distance yourself as a coping mechanism, to avoid further hurt and letdown. You find acceptance within yourself, perhaps even forgiveness, but nothing could ever be as you had hoped. B. The second kind of love is to discern yourself to be such an endless, cureless disappointment to the other, as well as yourself. It is clear that you are not good enough, unworthy, useless, and the only choice is to discontinue making yourself a burden, and leave while you can.
Every relationship of mine since has been consumed by one thought or the other, or a combination of the two, in my struggle to survive, I do what I have to, to insure that I come out alive. In the protection and preservation of your heart, all intimate or important affections have a sort of basic fight or flight facet. In the primitive sense, of avoiding getting caught, stuck, or destroyed by something, I think the same goes for attachments. 
In the end, what is comprehendible, as well as rings valid, is that someone is left after the event of one's departure feeling of no worth. Feeling so vastly disappointing, that it would be absurdly selfish to ever go back to put that upon someone you care so greatly for. Every good relationship must conclude in a personal forfeit, for the best interest of the other, for yourself, or in the best interest of yourself for yourself. There is nothing meaningless, or cheap about giving up yourself, it is an act of love, one of the strongest forms of affirmation. This is not to say that it is for the other person, it is survival of the fittest, and emotional fittest and acknowledging then acting upon the right thing to do. I think it gets confusing with what I said previously, with doing everything that you possibly can to prove your personal theories to be true, you tell yourself that you are not enough, or the other person isn't enough, and no one could ever be the accurate amount of everything for someone significant. Basically, I was trained, by myself, in a very elemental stage of my life that there inescapably comes a time to distance yourself or be distanced from, and subconsciously I have been watching it replay itself out for the decade or so subsequent. Sometimes the pattern tears, but connately I don't want to be wrong.
It would mean they could have been enough, I could have been enough, still could be.

Past Projections (The Little I Have To Work With)

How selfish of I
to think that I sucked you dry
how selfish of you
for what you do


what a fantastic idea
to think I rendered you unable to cry
like I hadn't before
like I haven't since
what a fantastic idea
to think I affected your life
in the way you affected mine