Losing My Head

I said, "I am not depressed, life is just not really worth living."
My mom said, "I've got to write that down."

Imagine if your therapist gave birth to you, calling you inadequate
Your dad abandons you then, standing just a stone's throw away

A little later you realize that every single successful, or failed relationship or friendship, of any sort, perpetuated one or the other, or usually, one, and then the other.

"The clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly."

Anxiously Sensitive

hyper sensitivit

y, and extreme ocd.

stuck repeating ho

w obsessed i am wit

h how drastically

things affect me.

"Hindsight is a priceless jewel, but I've never been one for clarity."

Lose Yourself

And if I lose myself, in all of this
then thank god.

Misplaced Abandonment Issues

 I am delicately and carefully planning
 this intricate and seamless escape route 
 all the while
 right from the get go

 just in case of the fluke
 that I actually be the one to leave

 it comes expected
 and is it better or worse to know that I did or did not play a part in it?

   you are struggling so desperately to be human
   and I guess we always did have opposing problems
   I won't ever meet you half way
   to do so, there will never again be enough of me

   I clawed and sifted in the ashes of trust
   deconstructed and picked apart the illusions and magic
   so down on my humanity, and down on my luck

   "can't take what you did not have,
   can't even give it back"

   "I am the first to be deceived,
   if I can make myself believe, the rest is easy"

   "sure as the rain will fall,
   some love just fails"

From Downpour To Drizzle

I am practicing my discipline with normalcy with you 

but from my step back 

this part of me wishes to still tell you 

that I care for you with the utmost intensity 

messy, wordy and convoluted 

we know 

my train of thought has no breaks 

but I stopped to tell you 

this is all love

You Warm Me Like A Cold Sweat These Days

I am always carrying in me
Someone else's something or other
Memories and traumas in my head,
Love in my heart,
Smoke in my lungs

It keeps me grounded
As low as my head is hung,
No longer in the clouds
My caring arms no longer stretched out
Because I have learned of the things never talked about
Once hopeful naive
Though now there is only one thing hiding up that sleeve
Cause I have been the one tricked, and wrongfully deceived
And you can think you know my every little thing
But you will never know what it is this year means to me
I fell away, on a slippery track
There is no easy, or short way back

I called you, I saw you at the best of my worst
That's when people make the decision, to end their life, so I've heard
But because of the people that I know, I made my decision, to see this one through
I like to think now I am at the worst of my best now
I've made my decision, so I've heard, there is a life to live without you


I miss the luminosity of your skin
(I know that there is no longer anything underneath)
I choose to be no longer your feel bad burden
(But only to save myself the grief)

I showed I got fucked up
You said that you fucked up
I never told you that makes two of us
I continue to carry your spirit
You are still nowhere near it
Our souls still seemingly intertwined
With intent
You wrecked mine

There was an ultimatum
And it has been met
I am only here to ask
Why then I am not over you yet

I carry the weight of the only thing greater than myself on my back
Struggling every day to let go of a flawless soul that I kept so perfectly intact

"You were holding on to make a point,
what's the point?"

(Do not take this as an insult
but I came to realize me being embarrassed to be alive is
not your fault)

Neck

The nape of every neck is yours
And in spite of the instant tremble of my hands
I evidentially do not shake things well

Sound Of That

"you said I’m always on the go

how nice of you to notice
a toast to all those broken homes
everyone i know is a fortress
i kiss ellipsis

i just sit to see what happens
but apathy is easy for me
so i’ll accept this challenge
i don't know how to get myself up
your pressure is bending my crutch
if this thing breaks, it's the end of us both
but i like the sound of that"

Difference

  
  I swore I wouldn't write about you
  I swore I would not write to you
  until I could differentiate between
  caring about someone, and thinking about them
  between
  missing a person, and missing a time
  I have a lot to understand
  and set out to do that alone
  but I can still feel your try

  and it makes me feel confused

         

                        _{"We got mail! Get the fuck back here"}

Austin Comes

But What

"everyone everywhere everything
all the time everyone everywhere everything
all the time everyone everywhere everything"

what does it mean?

Like A Sponge

"You are going to take her love 
like a sponge.
And you think, maybe I'm clear of the past,
maybe I'm safe."