Pour Out Your Soul

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— 
they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long." 

Breathing

"Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close

The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold

And even though you're next to me I still feel so alone

I just can't give you anything for you to call your own

And I can feel you breathing

And it's keeping me awake"

The Coffee (Jillian)

I realized something as important as it is hopeless. 
You can make the perfect cup of coffee, just the right amount of cream and sugar, 
the blend you enjoy, even the temperature and the cup itself. 
But see in the end you are unable to appreciate those things.
For the coffee simply gets cold.

Wake

this day rained, specifically on me. i still grin through coffee stained teeth. was a sinking ship, i say now i'm drained, see? you're reminiscencing on past waves, looking out at our placid sea.

Sultry

"take these lies in the palm of your heart,
they are all that i have, this one box,
that holds my entire life in.
i bring flames of time burn, baby, burn.
my life is on fire, bind my soul as you see fit.
compress the words that i have left from my mouth to silence,
plagiarize my works of almost art,
mimicking your timeless glance into my shorten lifelines
that circle the equator that is you.
i span the world, i scan the world for someone that you cannot replace.
sing me a song, let me know how much you wouldn't care if i disappeared.
the box is yours if you want it.
this one's for courage, this one's for valor.
this one's discouraged by words and commitment,
and told you how i glance at other people
with the same sultry eyes of conceit.
what gives you the right to hold the gates at a distance?
i cannot be matched by persistence nor time.
i trust you more than i trust me,
deceive my blind eyes and trespass to my solemn vow.
i won't make you cry so i can make you feel better,
and i won't cry to make you feel whatever i want to make you feel.
this one's the invitation, a song for me to clear my mind,
melting the ink to form a letter to bond we eternally.
two folded pages of words i can't say with enough conviction
to make you see exactly what i mean.
the cello sings sad longer than my patience.
i hear it on empty streets where my heart beats.
this ghost town has skeletons that i can't see.
my retinas see transparencies, so please tell me, what's wrong?

let me see it through your eyes with no words, just touching,
'cause these words are as tired as the sun's predictable settings.
this one is for determination, this one is for, me.
this one has nothing to do with either of us.
and are you from another time, another place of displacement?
where our souls travel adjacent, and i smile without pretension.
i feel the tension strain upon my hands you left with me,
subject me to social scrutiny for your self-benefit.
i think it's probably best this way,
you and i can never be together anyway,
any place, any time, with masked emotion and more words to decipher.
six-line phrases of stupidity.
this rare photograph shows me as an old man, and i see myself all alone.
all these trinkets got stories i would tell you
but you listen with biased ears and no questions for me.
as my response, an empty box, wide open, and it's yours if you want it."

Bathroom Stalls

The thought of this not working


is so terribly tear jerking


your dry sense of humor is thirst quenching


and your lack of concern is gut wrenching

Guilt

 "Can I get myself back from underneath 
this guilt that will crush me."

Diseased

The monotony of this brings me to my knees, I plead silently without so much as verbalizing "please", 
it's just that my body rejects sleep as if it were a disease.

I Get It Now

Isolated events, that don't make up a story, don't lead up to anything, don't create a, anything. It's fine. And I get that now.

Certain

Positively unsure.

Shudder At The Very

"So you’re waiting, even if you don’t quite know it, waiting for the moment when you realise that you really are different to them; that there are people out there, like Madame, who don’t hate you or wish you any harm, but who nevertheless shudder at the very thought of you."


"It’s a cold moment. It’s like walking past a mirror you’ve walked past every day of your life, and suddenly it shows you something else, something troubling and strange."

Worthless

and i'm both better and worse knowing that everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Wake Up

Wake Up.
This Still Isn't My Room.

Blah Blah

Public isolation / Blatant solitude.

Selective

SELECTIVE MEMORY.

Scrap Paper

and all that sloppy careless touching it was not carefree and i do need him though they only see he needs me

ex returned with unwanted y and z, had the brains not the guts to tell him to leave

my faint heart got marred

my fair skin got scarred

i was scared, sorry.  

Found In My Binder

Linear

Time


is


not


linear.

Humble

"HE THAT HUMBLES HIMSELF 

WISHES TO BE EXALTED."

Exist Tense

"Existence really is an imperfect tense that never becomes a present."

"Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you."

Method To Madness

"Finally, it must be asked: even if a personal meaning or purpose is impossible and an objective meaning or purpose cannot exist without a god, so what? A theist who finds this unacceptable might be depressed at the prospect, but since when does a rational person adopt beliefs about the state of the world based upon what is least depressing? Is there anyone out there who believes that the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, never happened because the idea that they did happen is too depressing? If someone believed that they are rich because facing the reality of poverty is too depressing, do we praise them for their faith?"

Human Lawn

"So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than 
In the middle
But me & Cinderella, 
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight"

Ah

You take a sip, and realize that all this was was coffee withdrawals.

"I'll be just fine,
pretending I'm not"

you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs
but no one knew how long i'd be walking on eggshells

Malleable

Love is so malleable lately.

But in your hands not my own.

Impersonality

it was cute with a hint of impersonal but that was the usual.

Belligerent

Belligerently shy.

Nose Bleed

"I've been meaning to ask you how life looks from the nose bleed seat section,

and to ask you how it feels to bleed. 

Your life's a waste and the way that I'll ask it will have revenge woven throughout, 

but will be masked with the concern that a friend would bring.

You're so incomplete."

Bitter

"friendships are hard, at least with relationships you have sex to make the bickering not so bad"

Wrist

"Then he fucks her real nice--a fuck that is all about making her feel better."


               "Who thinks of a better punishment really, everything is the same except a little worse."

Tell Me Yourself

"

Been thinking that there's something more,



and that you'd come down and tell me yourself.


now I realize it's a waste of time,


another penny thrown down the well.
"

Happy

“That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.”




“In a world where vows are worthless. Where making a pledge means nothing. Where promises are made to be broken, it would be nice to see words come back into power.”

Ruining Or Ruined

Romantically we are all either damaging someone to the point of needing rescue or rescuing someone from the damaged place they were previously left. I find this equally hopeful as revolting.

Nothing At All

He said, "What are you thinking right now?"      I thought, "I got nothin'"

I'm Still Here

"I'm just fucking like stuck in this ridiculous like, self-imposed fuckin' prison of characterization. You know, and it happened to me young. It's like the chicken or the egg, I don't know what came first, whether they said that I was emotional, and intense and complicated, or whether I was, truly complicated and intense, and then they responded to it, then like once they responded to it, then I responded to what they were saying. And yeah, I utilized it in some ways, and I am embarrassed about it, and that's what a lot of this is about."

"Think what you think about me, hate me or like me, just don't misunderstand me, that's it."

Rot

"You're my copper and gold, wrist-watch.

You keep time and I love you while I rot & die."

I'd Hope

""

It's Like

"you used to speak so easy,

now you're afaid to talk to me.

Its like walking with the wounded.

Carrying that weight way too far, 

the concrete pulled you down so hard

out there with the wounded,

We're missing you.

Well I never claimed to understand

what happens after dark,

but my fingers catch the sparks

at the thought of touching you,

When you're wounded"

Steam

If I could say one thing to you now, it would be that many years ago you wrote with your finger on the inside glass of my shower and I loved that, but you wrote your own name and not mine, and I always wondered why that was.

The Breaks

"You can call me John, I'm writing letters to the dark side of the moon tonight

My lovely Jane, you went away but the pain stayed

So I'm sending you a package to the address where you traded names

I made no claims on the identity theft

I'm more concerned about the home with no amenities left

And it's already a mess. The dust piles like your junk mail

So I eat away depression and crush the scale

You find yourself on the opposite side of the spectrum

Emaciated on a strict diet of bed crumbs

Me? I choose to wallow and I'll just swim in my fat

You...refuse to swallow so I see ribs from the back

This isn't an attack, it's an admission of guilt

I'm living in the past, kissing your ass, sipping your milk

But it's all bone and curdle. I saw stones in a circle

Stood in the middle. Told myself riddles in a robe that's purple

The murder weapon was an icicle

Is that the reason why I'm standing in this puddle with my eyes so full?

I fight feelings like a war on drugs

I'm a chemist with a test tube addiction born through coffee mugs

Our baby now is all growed up

Your car is still dead in my driveway while I wait for the tow truck

And you know what? I know I drove you away

I still don't think it was wrong so I don't know what to say"

Tomorrow

"Whatever's written today will be scratched out tomorrow."

Mind The Spine

bite on my shoulder
monkey on your back
heads in the clouds
hand in hand

Jeers

"ALL THE BLOOD, SWEAT, AND JEERS."

I Just Feel Free

"First with your hands, then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen
You took off your clothes, left on the light
You stood there so brave, you used to be shy
Each feature improved, each movement refined
And eyes like a showroom

Now they're spreading out the blankets on the beach
Oh that weatherman's a liar, he said it'd be raining
But it's clear and blue as far as I can see

Left by the lamp, right next to the bed
On a cartoon cat pad she scratched with a pen
"Everything is as it's always been,
This never happened"

"Don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did
It's just once something dies, you can't make it live
You're a beautiful boy, you're a sweet little kid
But I am a woman"

So I laid back down, wrapped myself up in the sheet
And I must have looked like a ghost 'cause something frightened me
And since then I've been so good at vanishing

Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free
And a little bit empty

No it isn't so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments, we'll always agree
And I'll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy

But if you stay too long inside my memory
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
And I'll keep you there so you can't bother me"

Glitter

"Everything that glitters can't be gold."

Class Discussion

For every moment or event there seems to be a mirroring moment that flashes into my head from my memory. The related or corresponding time often overcomes (mentally) and possibly even actually alters the present as I live it. Overwhelmed with the flashback, I freeze in the real moment, or see it as something so varied from what in actuality is occurring.  The unfolding happenings and interactions are difficult to be seen as isolated events simply manifesting, when there seems to be a terribly relevant past memory coinciding with it. 

Water Under The Bridge

Reminding myself that I can't mend the bridges, even when I remained the same the person on the opposing side has so terribly changed. Get it to my brain, you simply cannot repair something that is no longer there. No matter how much you care.

Family Friend Run In

"I hear your brother's just hangin' out around." "Yeah." 
"Weird your mom just up and sold the house one day." Yeah." 
"So your dad just took off with his new family. "Like what are we, chopped liver?"" "Yeah."

Hidden Treasure

"In your eyes I see everything. EVERYTHING. What I find in you is every single piece of hidden treasure countless have died searching for."

From The Moment

"From the moment you spit me out
You must have been somebody else."

My Winter

i drive to kill the time, i see everyone i've ever known but it's you i can't find
the snow falls slow and i feel the concern for your skin over mine

Comfortably Survive

"We breathe the same air 

it's just done differently."

Empathetic

His skin touches mine and I feel absolutely nothing, but overwhelming empathy.

Stuck

"i'm stuck with random stray hairs, from ex-lovers
entangled in each other's desire to stay here beyond their welcome
sharing the same common problem
blonde and brunette tightly knit
and i don't fit in with split ends
didn't have to worry about them taking me from my dividends
payed my dues spending time by myself
she was with her friends
mingling with single men
say things like hitting skins to them
thinking it's innocent but then giving me guilty grins
swimming with filthy fins
knocking boots, kicking my shins
shark infested water torture treatment get beat by the timbalands
feet is shivering walking on cold rage
roses like unrelationships, too impatient to die of old age"

Hindering

This is pretty much the polar opposite of self medicating. pot of coffee, nervous, but can't shake any of this offme.

One Of My Favorites

"This won't be the last you'll hear from me: it's just the start. 

I hope that he keeps you up for weeks like you did to me. 

I will hold a candle up to you to singe your skin. 

Brace yourself: I'm bent with bitterness. I can't forsee. 

When your apologies fail to ring true, 

(you're) so slick with that sarcastic slew 

of phrases like "i thought you knew" 

while keeping me in hot pursuit. 

Tracing the plot finds 

skin touching skin 

(absence follows). 

In the end, I win every time as ink remains. 

Sour tastes prevail as you play back the tape machine. 

When your apologies fail to ring true, 

(you're) so slick with that sarcastic slew 

of phrases like "i thought you knew" 

while keeping me in such hot pursuit. 

Tracing the plot finds 

skin touching skin 

(absence follows)."

Red With Rage

When you're _DOWN it is no longer ^UP to me to fix it. 

You're always 

RIGHT, 

I should have 

LEFT. 


You're blue in the face, I'm green with envy, and everyone else just read this a little wrong.

Puke

"You'd puke 

if you 

knew 

the truth."

Part 2

^{"I love you always."}
I could taste 
the chalky pacifier.

Temper

Tantrum.

Called

This panic attack is called love.

To Friendship

all my delicate precious people, i wish to shelter from the world too harsh. everybody seems heartless in comparison, and although somewhat and inevitably damaged and tarnished, their callous surroundings cannot alter my adoring and flawless perception of them. no matter the heart breaking mistakes and mishaps, i view them as unmarred, and love them as the immaculate beings they once were, and always will be to me. whether they have forgotten it, rejected it, or simply disregarded it, (without a choice) i will not waver, i live for this, and with the faith they will someday feel that truth.

Mutating

"How is it that you can keep mutating and still be the same deadly virus."

In The Dark

i thought if i opened my eyes that the sound of the freeway would automatically dissipate. for that millisecond i was in my bedroom, my real bedroom; everything exactly how it should be, exactly as it was. but my eyes are closed, and the reality is that the boys will be returning soon, at least before two am, and the washing machine flooded the whole bathroom. the air is crisp and cold and this is not my room, not my house, not my life. just here.

Peril

"I see you did. Don't speak. Wait till you hear what I have to say. Dorian, from the moment I met you, your personality had the most extraordinary influence over me. I was dominated, soul, brain, and power, by you. You became to me the visible incarnation of that unseen ideal whose memory haunts us artists like an exquisite dream. I worshipped you. I grew jealous of every one to whom you spoke. I wanted to have you all to myself. I was only happy when I was with you. When you were away from me, you were still present in my art.... Of course, I never let you know anything about this. It would have been impossible. You would not have understood it. I hardly understood it myself. I only knew that I had seen perfection face to face, and that the world had become wonderful to my eyes-- too wonderful, perhaps, for in such mad worships there is peril, the peril of losing them, no less than the peril of keeping them.... Weeks and weeks went on, and I grew more and more absorbed in you."

Shakey Still

Putting words in my mouth. Thoughts in my head. Putting thoughts in my head. Putting letters in my mouth. Putting letters under my bed. Speechless. Saying you're doing okay. Word play. Sick. Refrain. Monologue. Dialogue. Slow progress. Thought process. Thoughts of regression. Absence of thought. Depression. Words without successions. Succeeding. Thinking. Dreaming. Feeling. Breathing. Shaking. Believing. Nonbelieving. Not dreaming. Doing this. Still.

Planning On It

He said, "I wasn't planning on it.""

Death Of My Dream

"I wake up each morning to the death of my dream date."

Born

"Because I was born fearful."

Eh

"Aquarians value building a solid friendship with someone in whom they are romantically interested. Aquarians tend to be intellectual and look for partners who can share that passion. They tend to seek partners who compliment them, rather than try to complete them. Aquarians are often very loyal in love. They are not the type to end relationships over silly problems. Instead, they will take the time to work out any major problems that may arise. They will stick with their partners through thick and thin and are prone to long-term relationships. 

Though they can sometimes be temperamental as a result, Aquarians are rather emotional. Sometimes viewed as detached, it is more a matter of feeling things in a different way than expected. They can be very warm in love and look to please their partners. Because they tend to connect to their partners in ways others may not understand, it is easy for an Aquarius to feel insecure in a relationship. They can feel as if no one truly understands them. As a result, Aquarians can be hurt very easily in relationships. Aquarians are prone to feel as if they are wearing their hearts on their sleeves but that their partners do not understand them."

"They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them. They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life. However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable."