Solitude

"But what can you learn in solitude?"

For Dead

"she 
left 
me 
for 
dead.
but death didn't want no sloppy seconds."

An Apology

Most things that people do are a variation of an apology.

Only One Of Us

"You're the only one I'm going to miss.... I can't look at you"

Caught

Unfortunately, I am aware that if this is the last letter I'd write you, I would soon be dead. Not in a morbid way, but I would like to delve into death momentarily while on the subject. I was driving today, my broken car, deep in thought about all of my “problems” (worriers and concerns). Rather close to your house actually, and I thought - wow, all of these things in my life, the bad the good, the oh-that-it-not-quite-completed could vanish in one second. My demise could occur so many different ways, and as often as I ponder related concepts I was yet to think of my life as so fragile. I lie in my bed and decide time and time again that your actions cause so much more of an effect on my life than your own. And it’s kind of crazy to think of that being so incredibly and genuinely true, maybe because I have never once before felt the opposed or contrary. What makes it difficult for me I decided is your lack of belief in such a personal FACT, I understand completely that your decisions are a part of you, and how they are committed to memory whether it be your conscious or subconscious. But me on the other hand somehow end up involuntarily suffering and wallowing in a weird misery over your life choices. It’s as if you told me every specific mistake you make was secretly done in hopes to destroy me. Usually in fact it is closer to the opposite entirely, but that changes nothing. 

Tonguing It

"Marla, the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it."

Destroy

"Both of us deserve better than to stay together because we fear we'd be destroyed if we don't"

Devotion

"Trying to create something that's not there.

A spark I saw as a bomb is just a means to an end.

and I was just so happy to be out of my shell again,

I don't think that I really cared for who or what.

so for now I'll just have to keep it shut.

If you're not ready, you're not ready.

Please stop acting like you are.

How could I know

that everything you say ARE LIES about devotion and desire?

And I know the spark inside your eyes

was just the match I used to set myself on fire.

My mouth's shooting blanks.

This situation's unbearable,

I've gotten vulnerable.

Now anyone is free to waltz right in.

My temple's been invaded

and there's nobody guarding it.

All over this lonely life,

but what's so wrong with being all alone?

Alone's the only way I've ever known.

If you're not ready, you're not ready.

Please stop acting like you are.

How could I know

that everything you say ARE LIES about devotion and desire?

And I know the spark inside your eyes

was just the match I used to set myself on fire.

I'm pleading cause this kills and 

it's still bleeding.

My darling I'm taking my life back 

to start healing.

How could I know

that everything you say ARE LIES about devotion and desire?

And I know the spark inside your eyes

was just the match I used to set myself on fire. 

Set myself on fire."

Come'on

Maybe you belong nowhere.
anyway, it wont be long now, until you know for sure

If you're going through hell,
keep going.

One

MY ONE THING mentally, followed by MY ONE THING physically. 
I forgave but did not come out unscathed.

To Horror Stories

"If I could have said this to your face maybe you wouldn't have to write like I do,

Except I use paper instead of my body now; it's something you might want to try too

From haikus to horror stories, it's something in our blood that we share,

Something in our blood that appears on the surface of our skin when we bring it there"

Your Heart

felt good"

Re-Post

"The only thing worse than losing 
the one thing that you love 
is having the one thing that you love 
turned into everything that you hate."

Remember Remember

"all ive been thinking about is how turned off you are by me right now 
and i know you know there was no humor in my laugh from the beginning of us talking 
and was in no way 
nor would ever laugh at you"
"im stuck and i thought i would be past the last issue but im not, 
im just as insecure as you."

Compare

Your breathing on my cheek

Your moaning in your sleep

Compare and contrast

My present versus my past

DRY

I have gotten so terribly drab.

The idea that humans as an individual are working towards something, making some sort of (positive) impact, or of some great significance, is of enormous interest to me. I also believe strongly that the notion of putting meaning to this ambiguous life is something that every person on earth should find somewhat intriguing, with a mysterious but promising death to inevitably face. With such an impending fact plaguing the mind at least time to time a person must find a purpose to continue on with their life whether it be going as planned or miserably awry. The goal of my paper is to discuss the most prominent of meanings and explanations to a person’s lifespan, and regardless of there being an event after one’s passing, the reason that they exist before it occurs.

You

"I'll make you smile for the simple fact I'm good at it

I'll make you smile just so I can sit and look at it."

Careful, Careful

...i have to leave you before you leave me, i must end what i fear so dreadfully could turn to mediocrity. i revealed everything, which was much too much, and i apologize once again. my intentions were golden though results not quite so, still empty from the severage...

We both know you are irreplaceable, but do not think I cannot and did not find a substitute.

I (Didn't) Know

"I can smell the salt from these tears streaming down my face. I can smell the tears running down my flesh, becoming one with each other. I smell happiness. These tears give me happiness, these tears give me feeling, these feelings that you create for me. I feel like I belong somewhere, I feel like I am a part of something beautiful. A part of something that can not be properly explained. A part of a friendship unlike any other. This bond that we share is so incredible that I cannot fully grasp it, but that’s okay. I don’t need to grasp every inch of it, as long as I know it’s there. It really does make me the happiest boy alive to hear what you feel from me, from us. I don’t know why I can make you so happy, but i’m glad that I do, because the truth of the matter is, you deserve it. Even more than I do, you deserve to be happy, to feel at home somewhere. And I feel at home with you. I can honestly say to you, that you know every single thing about me, every single thing that I feel. You are the only one that truly knows me, and as much as people throw that sentence around, I mean every single word of it. And I thank you for accepting me, for making me feel like I am worth something, and for making me feel like I am normal. I thank you for always being honest with me, and letting me into your life. I honestly cannot explain how much I appreciate what you wrote to me, it means the world to me. And I know that we will always be with each other. We honestly can get through anything together, and can “weather the deepest of storms”, together. Every single second that we spend together, I cherish with every single molecule in my body. Every single second that we share with each other becomes another memory, that I can look back on with a happy heart, and a big smile on my face. We understand each other like no two people can ever understand each other. We feel what each other feels. We are one. I love that about us. We can look at something, completely unaware that we are both seeing it, and feel each other, and know exactly what we are both thinking. There are no other words to explain it then the simple fact that we are meant for each other, not necessarily in a romantic way, but in a friendship way. Something brought us together. I want you in my life forever, and I don’t know what kind of life I would be living if you weren’t involved in it every waking hour of the day. I know that I bug you about moving with me so much, but it’s because I can’t live without you. You are what I need. We need each other. We get along so incredibly that it’s become impossible to ignore. I love how we can argue, we can disagree, and we can fight, but no matter what, we are back to normal in a matter of minutes. It’s an amazing thing. I would never want to live apart from you because I want to share the experiences of my life with you, I want to broaden my horizons with you, I want to broaden our horizons. I want to see the world with you. I want to go through this life with you. I don’t even know what to call you anymore, because I feel like I'm making an understatement when I say that you are my best friend. You are more than that to me. What we share is greater than two little words. I love you MKU, and without you, I would rue the day.

P.S. - Recently, I have been thinking back to the days when we were merely acquaintances, and hardly knew each other. And I remember the times when I would pass by papa murphy’s, on my way to what was once Albertson’s, always checking to see if you were working. And if you were, a big smile would come to my face, and I would wave to you. You would wave back. What a long way we have come together."

You (Don't) Know

I am happy when I am with you, I want to tell you that I like the version I am of myself when we are alone together, or when we are connected at all. I look at your face, and everything about your appearance and see everything that I adore inside and out. I've always been looking for truth and honesty and someone who could magically manage to be the correct about of everything for me. Though even now it sounds too good to be true, I know that it isn't because our friendship is a carefully crafted work of art that creates happiness for me. I would always do things differently if I could. With you I would show more; give more of what I would like to give to you, not only because I know and understand how badly you want it, but additionally because I know how truly you deserve it. After spending lots of time together, or not seeing you hardly at all, after arguments, and before plans, what is in common for all of these things is that I always want more time with you. When we are talking or when we are together I feel as though it is what friendship is supposed to be and I am not only very aware of that feeling but so grateful of it that I cannot really put it into words. You and I are so extremely different in every aspect that I often am astonished of our unfaltering tolerance of each other, but then I remember how similar we truly are, in personality as well as attributes, likes and dislikes. I like falling asleep with you, I like driving with you, I like knowing that you are paying attention, and the desired amount. I appreciate any small thing between us that makes me feel like this is deep and real and important. I appreciate your honesty, and how you say things when I know it's hard to. I constantly want to relay what a gigantic part of me you are and everything I do. When we are apart I constantly wish that we were not so that we could experience everything that is around us together and discuss it and laugh about it. I find myself pondering a romantic aspect of this, and nine times out of ten I rational that idea with the fact that I really do like you so deeply, and almost carefully. I wish I had the strength and ability to cure and fix all of the faults and unfavorable things about your life for you, and I wish you could just see yourself through my eyes, and come to peace knowing all of my praises are true. The other night you said that even if I did not come with you in life that you would even then still not desert me. I wanted to tell you that it is the last thing that I want and I long to feel the same that you do about my future. I am a thousand percent sure that the place you have in my life and heart could not be filled or replaced by anything or anyone else, ever, and if I am lucky you somewhat feel the same. You have changed enormously through the years of our friendship and I have honestly loved every tiny thing that altered and every big or small thing that remained. Few things bring me joy like the thought of knowing you for who you are and how you feel, and the level of comfortability between us that so few are able to maintain. I only hope that you continue to open up and show me everything you can, and that the laughter and enjoyment between us never lessens, and looking back, odds are I will grow happier with time. If there was some way that I could somehow apologize the right way for the selfishness that consumed me from time to time year to year and have that repair the bad feelings and frustration I would try my hardest. But nevertheless I will try my hardest, every single day, to be that person you say you want; there for you always, there for you for anything. Because I would in fact do anything you needed, and the millions of times and memories we have shared mean more to me than you will ever know. I love you no matter what and do not tell you enough. I meant it when I said that this is the relationship I rely on and the relationship I want to put my time and energy towards, because I not only get so much in return but thinking of you being happy having me is even better than that. You are an incredible, talented, handsome and hilarious person, always, and I saw from day one that you were what I wanted, and nearly five years later you are that more than ever. Thank you for so much, but most of all time, and I want so much more of that with you.

<3

"My parachute didn't open
And when my back up failed
The pixie dust prevailed
And I woke up next to you
All I wanted was to hold you

I was born in a city
However small
It held a hospital
For location where I came into being
It was all downhill from there

What do you do
When your life's a disaster
And you're moving faster
And it's getting harder to breathe

What do you say
To someone whose right but
You disagree
Even if it's the truth

I was told you are depressed
By a little bird
That was severly hurt
As it did not notice my window
It just flew wherever the wind blows
As it convulsed on the pavement
It whispered I am hated
Your genetic flaws
I said say it all
You can't decipher reflections from reality

But neither can I"

Purpose

"WHAT IS OF PURPOSE IN THIS EXISTENCE?"

Only One Of Us

"The emptiness of chairs and freezing cold silences.

Words that could ruin me. Sharp knives and peeling paint.

Wanting to be deep inside you and feeling faint.

It's hard. We are lost.

Invisible to each other. On fire and star crossed.

There's a circle around you and caring loves.

It's like I'm touching your face while I'm wearing gloves."

Necessary

"Mollie, you are necessary. 
Well, actually I don't know if any human being is necessary..."

In The Telling

You tell them your day and leave out the parts that you think they wouldn't want to hear and tell yourself it's love

Sieve

LET THE SEVERE SCHOOL INDUCED DEPRESSION ENSUE

Family Meeting

"You can come if you want to"

Swimming

I wake up in a pool of my drool. 
Head still swimming 
in notions drowned
in the brief sleep I was granted.

Passer-biers seem to rubberneck 

trying to sneak a peak at this

nervous wreck.

I stand up from both,

but not completely unscathed.

Spit

Sometimes I guess I feel as though it's nothing more than these spit strings that keep us tied together.

The Thing

The thing that sex and love have in common is that they are exactly what you think and make them to be. 

Choose Something

q

DFGHJKCBM

q

Your Best Side

"She says "Live up to your first impression" 
(Come on, just say it),
Well my best side was your worst invention 
(Come on, just say it),
Why can't you live without the attention?
(I need you defenseless, dependent)"

About Me

don't forget about me, i loved you the most

Motor

My car is spitting and sputtering, barely puding along. The engine light is on and it's too tired, just trying to reach that last destination. But I don't get angry, I almost say aloud "I know the feeling".

You do speak out loud "I don't have the gas, to get there and back". 
And I say in my head "oh, as if I didn't guess that".

Recipts

I struggled to conceal the uncontrollable shaking of my hand as I handed her the pen to transcribe the signature of a name I would never forget. Almost funny how we exchanged words precisely as if we had never before met.

Jillian Knows

"Belly to belly we fused passed through each other and back to back stood strangers again"

Complicated Fear

"It's a complicated fear.
And it grows with every year."

Go On

"GO 

ON

 JUST 

SAY

 IT"

Winding Road

I'm not cynical, I'm simply over analytical. Smack in the middle of self harassment and public embarrassment. Tender to the touch, caring too much. Not burning bridges but smoothing out the ridges. I expect perfect and deflect this absence. That consumes me, can't assume with me. Or throw me out to sea. The waves will always be too cold and I realized I need more than air to continue to breathe.

Walk Away

"If you walk away, I'll walk away. 


Just tell me which road you will take."

Taking Off

"I had a dream I was takin' off"

Me

I hate to say this, hate to say that I hate myself too terribly to fall asleep, with myself, waking up to and with myself.

Hard At Work Or

something then began to flourish where once resided the untainted concept in its truest form, the notion of love. what was beginning to grow not only with it, but practically (engulfing) it with each passing moment of thought (relevant or not) was an uncontrollable feeling equivalent to love in its strength and power, but nearly opposing it in all other assumptions, connotations and facts. this parasite, this bacteria of not only the mind, but really the heart was doubt. completely unnecessary as well as totally unwanted this doubt has the courage and will to corrupt and destroy anything at all despite how happy it was in actuality making you beforehand. most are so easily and sadly tricked by this germ, once acknowledging its presence they will believe its intentions were to make their life immensely happier, like they are lead to believe they deserve. not only is it undeserved but previous to its habitation they will also think that they were simply ignoring its honesty in that time. doubt is so absurdly powerful and conniving that it will apply itself to all relating situations even before it manifested itself, ruining something spectacular and making it nothing more than fraud. it can and will warp anything at all despite it being so filled with beauty, so filled with love, doubt applies itself to those situations with its greatest magnitude. once this idea is there, it is there to stay; no turning back, no altering your mind, ever. there is no pleasure in or from doubting, and there should be no doubting in or from caring.

Marvellous

"Yes, that is his name. I didn't intend to tell it to you."

  "But why not?"

   "Oh, I can't explain. When I like people immensely, I never tell their names to any one. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one's life. I suppose you think me awfully foolish about it?"

Sea Legs

"Lucky for you 
I'm compassionate enough to throw back what I catch
if it's under developed and needs time to grow,
though I'm remorseful of the pain I caused you"

In The Years

"of that moment: (here's one of those moments that lasts the rest of your life). In the forever of that moment."

Fashion Anything Better

"Times like that, you look like a failed experiment your parents will have to face for the rest of their lives. A booby prize. And your mom and dad, they look like a God too retarded to fashion anything better than you.

You grow up to become living proof of your parent's limitations. Their less-than-masterpiece."

Idle

Idling..

Car Heater

I'm trying to smoke you out

but all I am getting is coughing in my face

I'll send smoke signals

just trying to leave this place

One Had To Earn

" Summer: “You know, I dream sometimes about flying. It starts out like I’m running really, really fast and I’m like superhuman and the terrain starts to get really rocky and steep and then I’m running so fast that my feet aren’t even touching the ground and I’m floating and it’s like this amazing, amazing feeling… I’m free, I’m safe. Then I realise: I’m completely alone. And then I wake up.”

Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realise that these weren’t stories routinely told; these were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far, which is why the next six words changed everything.

Summer: “I’ve never told anybody that before.”

Tom: “I guess I’m not just anyone.” "

Prize

"Sometimes your best way to deal with shit, 
she says, is to not hold yourself as such a 
precious little prize."

Drawing

The way when you draw a picture of a scenery you know certain things are there even when you neglect to include them in the drawing, you of course still picture them as being there because you have seen them and see them as well when you look at the finished product (not including these items), the same goes for every conversation i have ever had. Assuming the other party can see these scenarios through your eyes as you do, you act with the belief that they see them although they are in actuality not there at all. Nor would the other person(s) think to think that they could be or were.

Yourself

"Leave yourself out of it."

"My facial expression said I didn't care

Hate and aggression must've made an impression on the little kid who stared,

Sitting on stairs when I would bother to bring my skates

My feeble attempt at being a strong, big brother doing father figure 8's"

Twenty

"And I've got a twenty-dollar bill 
that says you're up late night starting 
fist fights versus fences in your backyard 
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor 
Soaking in sympathy 
from friends who never loved you 
nearly half as much as me" 

Out Here

"Get out of your head. It's really nice out here."

Take You Back

"I'd take you back no matter what..."

Fading Away

she said,
"WHILE YOU'RE SHOUTING AT THE STARS
MY SCARS ARE NOT FADING AWAY"
he said,
"DARLING I WAS BEGGING HEAVEN MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR
BUT SEE I DIDN'T GET AN ANSWER, 
OR AT LEAST ONE I COULD HEAR"

Afraid Of

""

Could Be Better, Could Be Worse

1. forgetting dryer lint in the dryer screen
2. coming in and out the front door at odd hours
3. driving too fast on the private road
4. not flushing every time i pee
5. not standing drinks up straight in the fridge
6. leaving the front door open briefly while the a.c. is on

Similar Reactions

"similar reactions also occur in humans. take the mugging victim beaten with numchucks in an ally way, 

as he or she recalls the attacker's face; his scraggily goatee and cheap dangly earring, 

she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race, or taste in jewelry."

Burden To Bear

"This is my burden to bear, not his. And I'm a psychic without a sidekick, holding the future hostage."

Crafted

Patience with this carefully crafted mood. A little slow down, a cup of wake up. More is more, and less is less. The sun here doesn't soak in deep enough. I'm cold with a little I-wish-I-wasn't-eating-this in my bowl.

My Little Bubble

"Oh no, I see,

A spider web is tangled up with me,

And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

Oh no, what's this?

A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,

So I turn to run,

The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,

I never meant to do you wrong,

And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,

And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no, I see,

A spider web and it's me in the middle,

So I twist and turn,

Here am I in my little bubble,

Singing I, never meant to cause you trouble,

And I, never meant to do you wrong,

And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,

Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,

They spun a web for me,

They spun a web for me."