Tiny little gift

“I felt fine until the sun went down”

“You can call me names as long as you call me up”

Times Have Changed

You look back and reflect upon all the things it could have been
The woman with long blonde hair who you idolized
You could see the outline of her bra through her t-shirt
You went home every day and talked about her
Your mom would say “you like her huh?” and you’d shrug

You’d fault your parents
For being too strict
For being too laxed

How your mom told you she’s pansexual so recently on one of those car rides and you wouldn’t budge
You wouldn’t so much as allude to your gayness
Because unlike other truths
This one was more real the more secrecy it was shrouded in

You’d force some explanations for yourself
How you’d fall for the pretty boys
Your friends were the males who would play spice girls with you
You could both be equally in between

Can you imagine if gender had been more than black and white, pink n blue
If attraction could have different, or the same
If gays were more than old married men and lesbians were more than old married women
It was all you knew

Within the last two years a gay man has jumped off of a bridge in my hometown
That is how far we have not come

But I have to be thankful
For all those who sacrificed and fought tooth and nail
I’m allowed to love this very day
Exactly who I’d love to love
As exactly who I’d love to be

I’m still figuring that second part out

I do know one thing
I was taught by the world that my love for men needed no bounds, while my love for girls must be capped
To avoid mistake, embarrassment, being wrong, being denied, shamed, to avoid being gay
I drew an invisible line and never once crossed it
Only in my head
And I don’t wonder what if anymore

Just every once in a while