All I Have To Say Is That...

The Patterns Show, We'll Know What To Do

"I know the last page so well"

Down And Out

slow and steady wins the race
(so i've heard)
but i'm a little off track, and a lot out of pace
and i grin big with white flag teeth
but you'll likely misinterpret the look on my face

some half ass kiss and make up
so quick to apologize for any wrong that you make
i have learned the word help this year
but now any other phrase by comparison seems too fake
honesty can only get you so far
so i still plan to tell you this all's been fun and great
i am just in awe of simple crystal
clear lives, cause this future's opaque


found out yesterday that i am ten credits shy of sixty
toss and turned all night vigorously

wondering if you could ever miss me

But I'm Not There Yet

"So here we are again, inside your neon shrine
sharing a chopping block beneath embarassed light
that tries to hide from us, it tucks itself away
so we both grab hold and say, "no you don't."
just stay, just stay

and I'm racin' towards the one mistake
that locks me in my place
the judgement call that justifies the smirk stuck on my face
my crooked life scared straight and stiff

by the last wrong turn I'll take

but I'm not there yet so come purr, my pet

let's play, let's play"

Fingers

Everything is so sticky with the recurrences and remnants of last year.

"so I should probably say something to you 
but I'd probably ruin it then 
it's best for us both if I keep my mouth shut
and just stay on my side of the train"

"I know I will not call
it's this decision I've made
so I'm up all night chanting 
"Vow I can't break""

99/100

                And I will look back at this and happily laugh.

Must

"I know you're sad sweetheart, but it will pass
and I'm on my own dark path, so must go
she was near to you, although not near
so you cannot be blamed for feeling low
and if I could fix it, then damn I would
but I'm less than just a man to be of aid
and even less than usual I am afraid
one day you'll thank the lord I didn't stay

what can I say? more than every day
that the world is unfair, and will not change
learn from me, bury it, all down deep
it's unhealthy, but it sure keeps out the pain
and stops you from feeling anyone's to blame
cause that just leads to disappointment all your days

but I'm pretty sure everything will pass
oh that's you, that always greener grass
sinks into the glass's empty half
sinks into the glass's empty"

Commication

"I'm really homesick for you."

Reason

If you were ever trying to understand
the reasoning would always be
always has been
I am trying to be good

I Made A Mistake

I won't give you the luxury of knowing what I am thinking, but for the record, it is that I seem pretty good at helping people figure things out that they want. I was feeling badly for myself, and I thought that you felt that bad too, but I don't connect like that any more, as of sitting on the floor by you, and saying hi to you first.

I hope that you grow up some day, because despite what you portray, it wasn't this summer. 

Slightly Sick

  "When you feel like a tourist in your own town, it's time to go"

I saw the car, it's all it takes, thank god you could never know, 
you can't read my mind, like you used to be able to.
(I said aloud, minutes before I saw it, you got to look for that car.)
It was right there, in arm's reach, not spitting distance.
My stomach has been shaking the whole night since, 
and I have never felt so much love in these moments, that I no longer wish to be there.

  "I know you've got hands of stone"

Babble

Yesterday I woke up, and after cleaning up, was greeted by my brother who had just gotten back from town and the doctor's. He said that he went to the deli to get a turkey sandwich and named all of its toppings, I think he was proud of venturing out a bit. I am always happy when people try new things and end up actually liking them. He told me that he brought half of it home with him, and asked if I wanted a sandwich, and smoothie that he was about to make. We laughed at his offer, then I agreed to both. He made us a super delicious smoothie, and I ate his also good sandwich. I had to go to u-haul like I do every day, so I bought Austin some things, got Dylan some chocolate with salt and almonds, went by Flour Garden to see Austin and give him his cd's I had burned, then ended up at u-haul. My dad was sitting outside, and I didn't feel bad that I kept him waiting five minutes for the first time, especially when he sat on the phone as I idled in my car. Once he finally got in the car, he talked on his phone loudly, then texted silently the entire way home. He handed me ten dollars. When we got back to the house, I heard from Catherine, then Jillian, and I was really wanting to see them both, but I wanted to work at the house, so I did that first. Dylan and I were in the garden for what was less than two hours, but felt like more, he was still in a good mood and talked about funny videos, and my dad, and people, and I asked questions about all of these things. We walked together back down to the house, and then I made a giant salad and Dylan and I ate together again, and I shared my beans and he shared his chips. Finally I left for Nevada City, with plans to see Catherine and hopes to see Jillian. When I drove up I saw Jillian's car, then got a text from her saying Cooper's. I walk in to find Catherine and Jillian both at the bar, and it actually was a really nice time. The three of us always have a funny dynamic, but a good one, and soon enough Paul was joining us, which I was pleased about also. I wanted to watch the open mic, and spend time with the girls, but I also got a text about an employee show that I really wanted to go to (an early 10:15 one), and Scott and Alex were coming to town and wanted to go adventuring with me. I had no idea what I was going to do, but ended up at a table in front of the stage with Paul and we talked a lot, and I was probably too honest, like I get, but he is really nice and a really good energy for me always. Once Paul left, after a very long hug, and very long eye contact which resulted in saying each other's names, I was with Catherine and Jillian again and an array of ridiculous guys. Jillian left for Mekka to meet with Nick for a bit, and Catherine and I laughed for probably an hour straight after that, and I did not know what my next plan was still. I decided I would meet Scott for a bit then go to the movie, and I always leave Catherine, so I felt bad, so we went together to Mekka to get Jillian's keys. In the parking lot we met up with Alex and Scott, and I appreciated a lot things not being strange between Scott and Catherine, so we all hung out because Catherine couldn't yet drive. We went to Mekka for a while, Scott said he his white mocha we all suggested was just okay, and I felt badly for that, then he said that he interrupted Jillian crying and that he felt badly for that. We ended up at Pete's then, and Alex and I talked for a while. Eventually I told everyone I was leaving, and when I found Jillian in that last moment she had sort of fallen apart, and I told her that Catherine was on her way, and I got in my car and drove to Sierra. I mostly went to get my paycheck, and show my face at the theaters, but also I don't know if I like adventuring, and I wanted to see Looper maybe. Sierra is dark once I am approaching it, and there is one single car. I remember the movie is at Del, and am pissed, at everything, and faced with a decision. Since it was 10:15 in that moment, Deloro's are scary shows, that take forever to get to (in my head), I turned around in the parking lot (paycheck-less) and went back to find Jillian, Catherine, Alex, and Scott. I called Scott on the way, and he laughed at me, but I agreed to go Geo Caching. I get to Mekka to find Jillian, and she is with Catherine, Scott, and Cory, I didn't really understand but I sat down, and listened intently to everything she was saying, more so than anyone else probably. She explained to Scott that some people and some conversations are an un-penetrable bubble (when he apologized for interrupting) which I understood, and even elaborated on. She also explained to Scott that she is the exact same person whether she is crying, or laughing, or anything, which I understood just as much. The girls go back to Cooper's, and I try to find a treasure with Alex and Scott. I didn't like treasure hunting, said it was boring, got called a bad pirate, and ended up back at Cooper's. I felt a lot better once Jillian and I talked and connected a bit more, then left Cooper's for the last time, once the comedy act started, and found Scott and Alex. We drove around to all the treasure spots, starting with Pioneer Park in a forest, and then venturing to Grass Valley, going from one place I had never been to the next. I was really cold, and stupidly exhausted, but it was fun with who I was doing it with, and we must have driven for hours. On one street we found two cats, and played with them for a long time, the gray one I feel in love with followed us for a long while, even after driving to a new spot. Alex found the first (and only) treasure that we found, and nothing was even hid, though it was rewarding somehow. Geo Caching was a lot harder than we thought, and I have never spent so much time scouring flower beds, trees, and foliage, but I'm glad I went. Lizz was texting me a bit, and I was happy that her and Austin we together. I liked that I didn't feel not-included, and she sent me a picture of them that I liked a lot. When I got back to Cavanaugh, sometime around 2:30ish, I realized that I had had a good day. Austin's words of encouragement had not worn off from the night before, and I spent my time being really happy with the people that I care about. Every time seeing Jillian is enormously important to me, and it was nice to be in a good mindset, even for a day or two consecutively. I felt as though my real friends were my real friends, and it made me not so sad about the others. Friendship is actually everything to me, and all that makes me feel, and it was positive to believe that my friends wanted to see me and talk to me. My brother is my friend as well, and one of my favorites, I enjoyed and was appreciative of our time.

Thought Process

She said that once you've had something in a person, felt something, you find yourself subsequently actually needing it.
She said that she even told me that she needed me, and I left, I replied with, like I do.
What I meant is that all of this and everything reminds me of a time that I would have done things differently, and makes me think about it.
I am old enough now to know that you can't alter the past, sometimes cannot even fix it, but you can use the knowledge gained in 'different' future situations. This is all that I have, and what I plan to implement. Yet, if I see these situations as different, then I can justify for myself acting differently. Once I realize, by whatever means that I do, that these are the same, I can commence treating them accurately.

Overall

poor decision making skills.

All Year Long

"I've been looking for you all year long
just to tell me I have not been wrong
is this all that you can give back?
come on woman,
you're going to have to do worse than that

now I see that waking every day
always leads to feeling this way
if you have no more to say to that
oh well, I'll be leaving
and I won't come back

I'd give you all that I had
if I could give it back

this has been the best of me
I hope you end up missing me
and I'll hold onto that
and I'll hold onto that
and I'll hold onto that

is the water dragging at your feet,
urging you to slip down underneath?
are you going to let me take your soul?
my god, if you are, I'm going to eat you whole

you son of a bitch,
stop writing songs like this
you think you're better than that
they don't have to pretend

I'd give you all that I had

if I could give it back

this has been the best of me

I hope you end up missing me

and I'll hold onto that

and I'll hold onto that

and I'll hold onto that
and I'll hold onto that"

Bombarding

I feel that I am overtly hyper-aware, every sensation, thought, feeling, everything is so amplified. Whether it be the feeling of hair on my face, the way that a glass of water tastes, the look someone gives me when we lock eyes as they drive past, my ideas of how I am being perceived, the way that my hands feel, the thought of a memory, the way that someone says hello, being worried. I don't just say sensitive, I mean it in every painstaking way. I guess that this is where substance abuse comes in, to tone down and tune out a lot of these little things, that become everything. My social anxiety gets so bad when I am in public and feel alone that I cannot breathe, and I guess that I made a misconceived decision when I was fourteen. 
At fifteen, I should have seen the irrevocable damage of refraining from self harm.

New Sleeping Pills Stopped Working

I love my friends, I care about all of them so much, and wouldn't think the things that I do if every single day wasn't a journey through the entire spectrum of human emotions. I feel lost these days, in that cliche way.

Forget About Mine

""

Not Your Fault

"I was thinking about that today. How your feelings about someone are always unchanged, whilst they are changing."
I love you, and you are my everything, and the only time that I am not wasting it. 
A stranger on the street said to us that we are so content just talking to each other, nothing else.
I just hope you understand what it is that I am thinking, and you said that we are the only people not being entertained or entertaining each other and I will love you forever.

Dreaming Of Fields Of Grass

In my dream, my head is on your shoulder, I had never felt so lonesome, so afraid to lose somebody. I couldn't move. You said always to me, and I sheepishly disagreed. Waking up is so bittersweet most days.

Defining

If you for some reason want to figure how it is I got to be the way that I am, give a listen to Closer by Hightide Hotel.
(Or I Was a Cage by Right Away Great Captain!...haha)

Repeating

"It's not the future that you're afraid of
it is repeating the past that makes you anxious."

Split Second

Every single thing would go okay if I did not over-think it, 
maybe this is something curable, I do not know, 
I have known no different,
except listening to my gut for a split second, 
and within it, always liking what I hear

Your Love Is Relevant

"

missing how relevant you are to my life

"

Smoking

You said,
"People don't know what to do with their hands."
I said, 
"Or mouths."

You always want a bite of everybody's food, and always want to share yours. Even if I see myself, I still like these things about you.

Being Treated, Appropriately

"This   is   not   your   year."

I am going to be real for a moment, I don't know with whom. Foremost, I will address plainly why it is that I unpublicized my blog. I was feeling like a sorry, sad, whiny person (that I, at times very much am) and felt an overwhelming concern that which regarded something I struggle against perpetually (this sentence, I know). The thought process started with the apprehension that people only need me in their life during  a time of hardship, because I deal with that somewhat well, and can obviously relate to (unjustified, melodramatic) misery. I began to be filled with an anxious dread, it dawned upon me that perhaps people could in fact see where I was at mentally/emotionally. I am also so worried that this is the reason a person would distance themselves from me. So, with that said, in leu of posting a half-truth blog explicating my actual happiness, appreciation, and joys of this life; I hid it all together. I had no one person in mind, just a very general sense of shame, and being ashamed at how everything.. . looked (for lack of a better word). One of three thoughts down, my second is even less thought out. I just thought that I would voice where exactly I am coming from, giving a subpar example from my evening. He tells me that he is a "wet blanket", his words, and I was not intrigued nor attracted to the idea (progress), but thought to myself that it was fitting. He told me that he did not want any one of his friends to expect him to be fun, entertaining, enjoyable, wanting to talk of anything outside of his own feelings, and working out anything besides his own issues he was currently battling. Again, I am not saying that this was desirable for me, but rather, relatable. You give yourself what it is that you believe you deserve, and the second part of that saying (that I botched purposefully) should be that you force the things that aren't what you think you deserve into something like that. Anyway, the third idea, which was actually the first, really crystalized tonight, in a car, where they oft do. I asked myself if I really remember the beginning of this year, and I don't mean just the beginning, but the very initial hours of it. I was bawling my eyes out, really, quietly choking, when I broke down, in a car, where it often occurs. I was partially filled with misdirected anger towards Austin, which I suppose now makes sense if I were to make that night about the year in entirety, the largest part was detestation towards my very self, my very being. I blocked out most of it, like many minuscule traumas that haunt me still. I do recall telling him that I hated myself, I recall being extremely honest involving all of that. The point of this story (that I am not even going to tell, due to its innocuousness) is that I do not even know if I voiced this notion, but oh, I knew it, knew it well, believed in it. What I knew was that this was an omen, this was a telling happening, as well as feeling, that would last the whole year, and simply foreshadowed its messy collapse. I may have said a sign from god, the writing so apparent on the wall. I had never felt as bad in my recent memory, as I did minutes after the stroke of midnight. It was 2012, and I highly dislike sobbing in front of people, I hate feeling small, pathetic, raw. It is not even October, and this year has truly been the denigration of a lot of walls, and finding out a lot, too much. I reflect on New Years as being the night that everything went wrong, and I was aware it would remain seeming that way. Everything will be deemed magical and lovely once this is over, whatever this is. (I just have allowed feelings of significantly low self worth dictate every step of the way.) And I know, better than anyone, that it is off-putting and annoying when I so easily spill my guts, make a mess, don't know where to begin in cleaning it up, usually try anyway. (Or, equally, say nothing at all). I will also say, only because it came up so many times tonight, and I was walking a bit on eggshells; honest to god fuck anyone who has deserted me. Not left me behind, but really abandoned me when I was caring so deep and sincerely. I get that I am not perfect, even confusing, in some unusually unsettling way, but nothing I have or haven't done has justified or warranted such terce/crass rejection. My meaning-well has really just not gotten me far, has done practically the opposite as one would anticipate. I was kind, abiding, understanding, and it seemingly turned these people cold, unfeeling, and completely self-seeking. So many things contributed and lead up to my (above all, mental) absolute catastrophe, which I suppose is why the ruin is so widespread and across the board. This universal feeling of failure, is derived from a million small, little mishaps (misunderstandings), errors, shortcomings and deficiencies. In truth, I am really just rambling now, thinking of how all people who say that they take pleasure in writing, in actuality, found a more comfortable outlet to speak of themselves, un-errupted for hours on end. This is not pompous, or arrogant in any fashion, self-depreciating prose can be the best kind, but it is all of the self. And why I wrote this was to tell someone that I want to appear, then be happy for my friends, the good ones merit good. Fuck my shitty relations, whether it be because they are conscious that I am not where I wish to be or not, my effort and love is meaningless, and believe it or not that feels kind of awful. I am cutting ties, growing up, going to make decisions, and maybe even use writing as a tool to learn things about myself, not solely reiterate how transfixed on the past I am. Things get worse before they get better, mid-twenties breakdowns (I guess) happen, and I will persist in spending my time with people whom neglect to notice (anything). If I appear distracted within a conversation, it is because I am dwelling on the restoration of my faith, and whatever we are speaking of is likely demonstrating the contrary of that.
Yeah, I am mad for how it is I am considered, but it starts with myself.
Convince myself that I am an un-missed, emotion-crazed, pseudo intellectual, then start to play the part. 

Wordy

I use a lot of words to diminish the weight of them. The fewer words that are used, the quieter that they are said, the greater severity and gravity.
The more that I speak, the shier that I am. I am comfortable in silence, I do not like to hear myself talk, it isn't even easy.
My idiom is embarrassing, and lexicon weak. I write letters not to exercise better vocabulary, and posses slight continuity 
(or to appear sentimental and poetic), but to be able to think, 
and furthermore increase the chance of being understood.

The most significant and meaningful things that were ever spoken, shared, or scribed to me, were concise,
not one needless word.

Byzantium

"You are a troubled individual, with unique abilities.

Unlike most people, you have a strong — at times destructive — independent streak. Routine tasks are frustrating and often impossible to complete, unless you’ve created them for yourself.

At the moment, you are under substantial stress and anxiety. This is caused by the unshakable feeling that you’re not fully in control of your own life.

An existing relationship in your life, either romantic or business-related, is currently unsatisfactory. You’re presently contemplating the possibility of escape. This can make you irritable or uncomfortable at times, even around the people you love.

However, when you are in control, you’re capable and even excited to make difficult decisions. This occasionally leaves you feeling isolated or alone. You are willing to make this trade-off, if it means being in charge of your own life.

The darker emotions inside you — those underlying urges that all humans have — are very strong. And yet, you have the ability to harness that energy to achieve your goals. This makes you unique among our testing population. You can focus your energy, both positive and negative."

http://byzantiumtests.com

Another Day

"There's a whole 'nother day of night."

Spending My Time On

  Spending my time with people that I do not care too much about
  is the only way that this will work.

Sensory Details

"Ambedo (n.) A kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vidid sensory details-raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee-which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life."

Intellectual Intuition

"Apophenia /æpɵˈfiːniə/ is the experience of seeing meaningful patterns or connections in random or meaningless data.

The term was coined in 1958 by Klaus Conrad, who defined it as the "unmotivated seeing of connections" accompanied by a "specific experience of an abnormal meaningfulness", but it has come to represent the human tendency to seek patterns in random information in general (such as with gambling), paranormal phenomena, and religion.

Carl Jung coined the term synchronicity for the "simultaneous occurrence of two meaningful but not causally connected events" creating a significant realm of philosophical exploration. This attempt at finding patterns within a world where coincidence does not exist possibly involves apophenia if a person's perspective attributes their own causation to a series of events. "Synchronicity therefore means the simultaneous occurrence of a certain psychic state with one or more external events which appear as meaningful parallels to a momentary subjective state".

The idea of synchronicity is that the conceptual relationship of minds, defined as the relationship between ideas, is intricately structured in its own logical way and gives rise to relationships that are not causal in nature. These relationships can manifest themselves as simultaneous occurrences that are meaningfully related.

Synchronistic events reveal an underlying pattern, a conceptual framework that encompasses, but is larger than, any of the systems that display the synchronicity. The suggestion of a larger framework is essential to satisfy the definition of synchronicity as originally developed by Carl Jung.

'Living backwards!' Alice repeated in great astonishment. 'I never heard of such a thing!'

'--but there's one great advantage in it, that one's memory works both ways.

''I'm sure MINE only works one way,' Alice remarked. 'I can't remember things before they happen.

''It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,'"

To Think

""

As Of

Just Like That

we were not writing each other's names on each other's backs
i could have known how long that it would last

I Thought That

i hoped that when you both saw me it would make you sick
i hoped that you would be sick over the idea of "you both" when you both thought of it
i wished that you both would stay up all night thinking of me constantly
replaying recollections, so strongly you were unable to sleep, or breath
i wished that you both would feel remorse worse than ever before
i wished you both would hope of me when you heard your phone or door
i thought that songs would bring me back
i really thought that

Unseen

sitting in the one place that i don't want to be
thinking that i am feeling how you did when you were with me
there were a lot of things that i did not want you to see
so you left me alone and i watched those things becoming

who i am and what i did

you are living a lie but you can finally live
i am living the truth with a few mistakes that i have to live with
but i still say the wrong things, can't even wait my turn
it sure feels cold after you've been that burned
obsessive thoughts and a troubled mind
there are still a lot of things i am trying to hide
the faults were yours, the mistakes were mine
i said i would wait forever and i promise i never lied
i will again swallow your pride and get back in line

Not Being

“I take much pleasure in being alone 

  but there is also a strange warm grace in not being alone.”

Take A Clue

I went to find your email address
to shamelessly use
and instead found
the quote
"Turn your face towards the light
and the shadows will fall behind you"

Simplicity And Always Back To This

  You said the complexities were manifested to mask the simple truth
  and in that subsequent moment, I reevaluated my entire life

I'm just trying to understand.

Isn't So Much

"Looking in the mirror staring back at me isn't so much a face as the expression of a predicament."

Truth

everything happens how it is supposed to play out
and I promise I will mean that when I tell it to you
and I promise that I will tell that to you
I will find you
like you found me
when you were fighting the world
I hope that somehow I lead you to peace
now that the same world is fighting me

I will find you
"time is nothing"

I lost the good ones

The Thought Of Your Hands

'So this is where you wanted to be
and it's a goddamn shame that you're not here with me
And I can't see your face anymore
but if I could, it wouldn't look like before

Damn, I love you"

Should Have Told

"" 

You Know Who I Am

"as I traveled blind
listening to a whispering in my ear, 
soft but getting stronger,
telling me the only purpose of my being here
is to stay a bit longer."

In The Event Of My Disappearance

 Tell her to read my drafts,
 and that I am sorry.

Round Two: Introspective

She said people leave me due to their feeling, there's nothin I did
I sulk and I wallow, turned back into a hurt little kid
knowing I am what I am associated with 
I am what I am associated with
she said forget the past and let everything be
if you truly love something you let it free
well what do I do with me?
what do I do with me?

Homage

"we're not so sure of separations anymore."

you're seen sometimes as the shittiest person alive, scum of the earth, and I watched you tonight get kicked out of a bar
but you really melt my heart
in a really good friend kind of way, which is my favorite kind
I admit to you that I've been looking, but words like yours are just so hard to find
sometimes what you have to say is so important that you tell me to stop mid thought
but I like that a lot
you said you see me struggle with things a lot more than the rest, even in the same position
I said it's just that nobody worries, and no one listens
you asked what I wanted you to
and moved your chair closer to mine in that brightly lit room
you said we need to talk, while we sat in those chairs
and followed it up outside, and I just wish that I could tell you how much that I care
I worry about you, which is why I am thinking of you now
I wish so badly to say something, right, I just don't even know how
you say honest things, and I promise now to never be resentful
you called me out on some things, like wanting to look successful

you use the word lost
and I just like you a lot, in truth
I am so glad to have found you
and you make me happy

Talkin On My Phone

  I, so awkwardly turn brew, water and sitting outside in sufferance on my phone, complaining that I am not drunk enough for this..

Unconditional Trust

"People trust their friends more than they trust themselves. That was something I established straight away. And you'd think that would make them feel more secure, but it doesn't. It has the opposite effect: Unconditional trust destroys relationships. Two people meet as open-minded strangers. They like each other, so they grow closer. It feels good. They become unguarded. Eventually, the two strangers become two friends. But once that boundary of distrust is removed from the equation, they start to learn who the other person really is, and then each starts to resent the other. 

They end up feeling more distant as friends than they were as strangers. I've seen this happen a million times."

Appropriate

"                                                                                                           "

with all of me so compiled, packed, organized and labeled, it's difficult to stave that morbid thought from surfacing, and consuming

False Reality Loop

Skillfully, I can turn anything into a black hole.. and tend to

(I am glad we do not any longer know each other, I would be pulling some stupid shit right about now.)

                   "Everything is fine, 
                   but I wish I was dead."

How To Let Go

"love, I know you're doing fine

your chapters end so well

love, I love your welling eyes

you’re happy I can tell

love, I know you'll be alright 

but I can’t help but feel sorry

cause love, your tale will end just fine


but mine is a different story.”

Drawling

your capacity for sadness is not deep enough
your threshold for disappointment just not as wide
it takes a lot to feel connected
and feel anything as I plan on leaving your side.
_________________
you sense a disconnection
a romantic ache for how things are supposed to be
love is only as dark as its beholders
and you and I watched much too closely.
_________________
all affections now, and always were, white, and stark
yours felt whole, but dark
whole, but dark
holy, but pulled apart
fell apart
in the dark.
_________________
my hand; vibrating fingers crossed
yours; still fist
I promised not to write of this
promised
not to
write
of this.
_________________
the problem is
I know myself well enough to know that I will not be happy until I have a reason to be.

At Night Or Day

"I have not seen the light for days

I  am  not  the  best  at  moving  on

I have not seen the light for days"

Rambling Again

some serious things I could not shake, the strong need for your opinion on all the decisions I still make

and she told me a story, about a boy I had never met
I had only seen in pictures, but did not imagine his face and body but my own
she described for me, despite his actions, she felt his energy when she saw him
and it was anxious and desperate
as if frightened to make a mistake, without explaining to her a thing
I nearly delved in to tell her that we long to hide the way we are

this was clearly something that it should not have been
your clothes are still lying around the floor of my dreams
and in my sleep I thought about putting on your sweatshirt
but didn't, in fear of weirding you out
the most prominent thing that I ever worried about
you made me an ill at ease, and hesitant friend
and comparative, quietly disappointed lover
I force a smile observing you force a lifetime
and try my very, very best never to think
of all of the things that that energy could be going towards 

Me Alone

"What you've managed is to cheapen everything I've done.
And don't pretend you even know what I have been through, son.
And these days grievances come creeping through my open door.
I guess that's what friends are for.
I guess that's what friends are for. 

And can you not leave me alone?
And can you not leave me alone?
And can you not leave me alone? 

And all I ever really wanted was to stay at home.
Resting in a dirty bed on brittle bones. 

And can you not leave me alone?
And can you not leave me alone?
Can you not leave me alone? 

I was once a careless lover.
Now I live most undercover.
Hateful, yes, but always somber.

We might not be here for much longer.
We might not be here for much longer."