Leave Love Left

"LEAVE LOVE LEFT WHEN LOVE DIES."

Adapted

What if you finally resurface
______________________
only to find your lungs had adapted to the water?

Hear My Beaten Heart Exclaim

""

Textual

Jillian. I've been trying to figure out whut to text you.. "there are no words" would be a cliche understatement. or probably overstatment I mean. I thought about going and lurking your house like erin but am in bed. I have epiphanies every day and they blow my mind and change how I think about sooo many different things and it's crazy. then the way I act knowing all these things does not change one bit and nothing is altered by it. I worked three hours tonight and had to do busy stuff at the end of my shift just to stay til eight to get the full three. I'm in love with austin and chris and amara broke up and everything is changing but not me because I live through these trivial relationships. I wish I lived alone. and I hope life has been accomplishing for you this week. I go to the doctor friday I guess. and wishful thinking but I'm hoping I don't lose my mind before then. I crave
solitude but then get too thoughtful and sad when I'm alone. I can entertainment myself but maybe too well. I feel hope for the future though and change is coming this month. I'm going to go pretend to be asleep. here come people it sounds like. I love you.

Jealous Jealous

With the absence of perfection comes perfect jealousy.

Empathetics

"understanding and entering into another's feelings"

Dream Of Their Happiness

"You are here then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together and

Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather

And left there to drown

Left there to drown in their innocence

But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter

I read all of the pages and there is still no answer

Only all that was before I know must soon come after

That is the only way it can be

So I stand in the sun

And I breathe with my lungs

Trying to spare me the weight of the truth

Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror

And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever

And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water

Wishing you were a ghost

But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover

And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer

But autumn came, She disappeared

You can't remember where she said she was going to

But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song

That you don't want to sing

We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together

And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters

And left there to burn

Left there to burn in their arrogance

But as for me I'm coming to my final failure

I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better

But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be

Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers

And layed entwined together on a bed of clover

And left there to sleep

Left there to dream of their happiness"

Exactly What It Looks Like

""

Story Of Our Lives

Tossing and turning. 




            The pages.

Open

you told me that you hated 

what your jealously 

made you do and I nearly said you better, 

almost told you to reread my confessions 

and how I intentionally said forever. 

Open, please open your heart, 

at least open my letter.

Without Marla

""

Anybody Growing Up

"Picture anybody growing up so stupid he didn't know that hope is just another phase you'll grow out of. Who thought you could make something, anything, that would last forever."

Remember clinging to your mother's leg, tight but helpless, as she took strides to get away, each step taking what seemed to be an hour to complete..

Revealing Yourself

You are more revealing than you know, you are either open or you're closed, and know I'm watching for both.

No News Is

"AND NO NEWS
IS BAD NEWS"

You Tried?

"“You tried?” I looked her in the eye and smiled, “My girl, you must understand that fear is not some product that I made; it crept unwelcome in my head the day they had her torn away. It changed me. Now at the end of everyday, I lie awake at night and wait to feel the wires of my brain get cut and quietly rearranged, and hear my beaten heart exclaim, “still I refuse to let her go!” So we escape to our mistakes, for they wait patiently for us.”"

Rename

            If I were to rename myself a nane that better defines myself as a person, it would be explained by a rather long list. If a person was named after what they were, rather than just who, it would be ever-changing. The list would be comprised of names of people who made them who they are, whether it be in the past or present. Additionally, the name would include the utmost words that describe the said person. Some names would remain the same, and the same order, for years. Others’ would change almost daily, the order shifting immensely.

The first word would define the person the greatest, whether it is another’s name, or an adjective as simple as hope. Each person would know his or her real name, and similar to a middle name now, it would rarely be used. Some prominent words in my name (aside from my loved one’s names) would be: observant, tired, adoring, kind, self conscious, negative, thoughtful, sentimental, sensitive, jovial, and waiting. I believe these names would be extremely revealing to others, therefore difficult to bear, but equally useful and helpful throughout a lifetime.

Drowning Machine

"I say I am taking on water 
                     and you keep battering"

Cold

I wake up to 52 degrees, 

in the warm part of the house, 

and the flood of memories

from my dreams nearly drowns me

Static

it was like he squeezed away all my petty anguish with his arms, but when he let go the sadness had been waiting and clung to me like static. all these feelings just so static.

Wanted To Be

DID YOU BECOME EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE? BECAUSE I REGRET EVERY FEELING THAT YOU EVER MISERABLY SHOWED ME

Feel Like A Dope

"All these thousands of miles later, all these different people I've been, and it's still the same story. Why is it you feel like a dope if you laugh alone, but that's usually how you end up crying? How is it that you keep mutating and still be the same deadly virus?"

Retelling

"And you tremble like a frightened bird
As she closes in and captures you to place you
In a silver cage deep within her poisoned womb
So once you're safe inside, she might let you out
To fly in circles around the room
But its always night and there is no moon
And you wonder if you are alive
And you're not sure if you want to be"

They Have Every Reason

"I thought it would be like dodgeball, when they're picking people, and they have every reason to choose you and you think they're going to, then pick someone else. that would happen to you."

Relationships

Self validation. Ego inflammation. Distraction creation. Faux reincarnation.

Love. Heartbreak

"Love. Heartbreak."

I'm Without You

"And if you ever said you missed me 
then don't say you never lied"

Feel Better

""




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""

This Girl

"Oh yeah, Pantalons Flambés, they call it. I’ve got a lot of memories and stories attached to that song. Here’s the story: my best friend for a really long time was a girl, and some people have this belief that in reality guys and girls can’t be friends, because there’s always going to be something, y’know, sexual in the way of it. But I don’t believe that theory. This girl was my best friend. And then I heard from one person to the next, a three-degrees-of-separation kind of thing, that really throughout all those years she felt that secretly I was in love with her, and she felt sorry for me. What the hell? That just undermines a lot of things that were super important to me, because I thought she was my best friend.

That was a real crushing thing. And also around the same time, there were a couple of other really weird things that were happening with people who were close to me that just kind of blew my mind. “I thought I knew who you were! But knowing what I know now, I feel like I never did at all. You were always close to me, and you were a stranger the whole time.” So the song kind of became generally about that. There are lines here and there, this line refers to that friend, and this one refers to that one."

Gaps Remained

"In the end we had the pieces of the puzzle, but no matter how we put them together, gaps remained, 
oddly shaped emptinesses mapped by what surrounded them, like countries we couldn't name."

Found A Letter

 a creamy cup of coffee
how i thought you lost me
two open hearts at once is once in a blue moon
how i thought i got you
but usually one heart is pouring
and the other choses whether or not to accept
i'm lost, and somehow still filled with regret
i don't know if i ever would have been ready
but it would have been cleaner if slow and steady
i drifted away, and you tend to give a shove when things get heavy
please stay, dorian gray,
an altering picture depicted the madness is self-inflicted
and you over-achievers sure aren't making me feel any better
you jot pages of meticulous notes 
while i painfully scrawl out another love letter.

Winter

"I dreamt of a fever,

One that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.

With heat to melt these frozen tears 

Burned with reasons as to carry on.

Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow

But I swear that I would follow anything

Just get me out of here.

And you get six months to adapt

Then you get two more to leave town.

And in the event that you do adapt 

We still might not want you around.

But I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose

But I know that that's impossible now.

And so I drink to stay warm

And to kill selected memories

'cause I just can't think anymore about that 

Or about her tonight

But I give myself three days to feel better

Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff

'cause if I can't learn to make myself feel better

How can I expect anyone else to give a shit?

And I scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere

Just get me past this dead and eternal snow

'cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but it's happening

And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere

Just take me there, just take me there, just take me there

And say, and lie to me, and say, and lie to me, and say

It's going to be alright" 

Shimmering Under A Moon

"SHIMMERING LIKE A PENNY OUT OF REACH"

Noose In Hand

I'm hanging on your every word.

Misreading

Just come'on 

give me 

more to 

misinterpret. 

The only 

thing worse 

than hurting

 your feelings

 is saying 

something 

you think

 I said 

without being

 concerned about 

doing so.

When You're Around

"And I'm lonesome when you're around

And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself."

Dead Or Dying Dream

"And I felt I was on fire, with the things I could have told you
I just assumed that you eventually would ask
And I wouldn't have to bring up my so badly broken heart
And all those months I just wanted to sleep
And though spring, it did come slowly, I guess it did its part


And it hurts that he's still shaking from those secrets that were told by 
a car closed up too tight and a heart turned cold


I guess that something's got to happen soon
Because I know I can't keep living in this dead or dying dream
And as I walked along the beach and drank with her
I thought about my true love, the one I really need
With eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure
They make me pure
They make me pure
I long to be with you"

You Make The Truth

"If I could speak up I would say there is no truth, there is only you, 
and what you make the truth."

But I'm All Wrong

"And I'd choose my side

if I believed in what was right."

Hate In My Veins

""

Sketch Of Me

"But then, my knees give under me 
My head feels weak and suddenly 
It is clear to see 
That it is not them but me, 
Who has lost my self-identity
As I hide behind these books I read, 
While scribbling my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me, 
With some ideal ideology
That no one can hope to achieve
And I am never real; 
It is just a sketch of me
And everything I made is trite 
And cheap
And a waste"

Static

""

Reflections

AND IF I COULD STOP SELF REFLECTING FOR ONE SINGLE INSTANT MAYBE I COULD COME TO TERMS WITH WHAT IS IN THIS MIRROR.

I Don't Want To Remember

But I will document, so I have a reference point to look back on and feel better about the present, later on. He and I never made eye contact, she's crying on my floor and somehow I feel more helpless. He said it's too depressing to be here, my bedroom, with me. I regretted saying it as soon as it was leaving my mouth, "I wouldn't even know what to think about if I were happy."
It's not fair, I wanted to tell him that, not fair for him to make me feel worse, but even less fair after all this effort that once was put in, maybe still is. Think about a life dedicated honestly to the purification and non-contamination of this brain and body. Think about the poison seeping in slowly, uncontrollable and powerful and it's not fair because I did everything I could. I can't look in the mirror, I make it so I can't leave the blankets and the weather came, and I was happy to have such an excuse. I can't speak on the phone. Can't fit in my clothes. There is not misunderstanding it's just nobody cares to know.

"I have all but died from the sheer weight of my shame"

Apologizes Intwine

and i apologize a hundred times for everything that i am. 

and one thousand times for all the things i am not.

Wrote It

"Though you try to tell me 

that you never loved me

I know that you did

Cause you said it 

and you wrote it down"

Swim

"THE CURRENT WILL PULL YOU AWAY FROM YOUR LOVE. 


JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD ABOVE."

Recuperate

 Give me some time.

Story Story Story

This life, everyone's life, has resulted in telling the same somewhat humorous stories over and over to different people to get them to like you to get yourself to hopefully one day like yourself.

And That Is Not Very Well

"If you could change your days
Arranging them in some sweet new sequence
Like any new arrangement is going to make a difference
Because it is the moment that you are living in
And not the one that follows that makes the mess you are cleaning in your head
And time still drags you forward
Although you keep resisting
Because you know it is what you leave behind
You will soon start missing and the people you once counted on
Says its all depending on how you act and how you treat yourself
And that is not very well
So baby when I call for you
I want you to come and explain yourself to everyone
You nod in an acknowledgment of your frequent mood swings
But what good is an acknowledgment
It still don't change things
We've tried all forms of encouragement
And it's still no better
You can't seem to fake or force a smile
Not even a little one
So baby, when I call to you I want you to come
And lay it out for everyone
Exactly how it was before any of this happened
And why you can't leave it behind
Don't just sit there when I call to you
I told you to come and lay it out for
Don't feel awkward
Lay it out for everyone"

I Wake Up

I wake up each morning chilly, but to a piping hot pot of oh my god haven't I lived this same day for over two years now.

You Ever Left Me

"I made you a bed of thorns for every rose you ever left outside my door,

that's all you ever left me."

Stagnant

Stagnant. I hear the moving traffic. Stagnant. I feel the moving breeze. Stagnant. I see you move far from me. 


Opposing magnets. I can hardly walk, watching this all run it's course. You're the only magnet. For I have lost my force. Stagnance.

Adjustment

I can't go to work, I have too much to mull over in my head. There are too many thoughts that I would enjoy immensely to think about without any hesitation nor distraction. Whether they be thoughts of love, or merit, they deserve to be thought out; worth more an hour than minimum wage before or after taxes. So here I am, creating a nearly linear image in my head of our path together, and apart, and how they swerve back into each other from time to time. I wish I could decipher significance from not so, but I can't, but I will still try. Our lives have collided, spontaneous and unwillingly, in the recent past; the last few years. I sat in that movie theater alone today and looked at the face on the screen thinking, "Three years? You haven't let yourself fall for anyone else for that long? Still thinking about such a brief fleeting romance that wasn't even meant to be." Too relatable, that was the cause for the frustration, and I was as embarrassed of the realization as the foolish comparison itself. "Disgusting," I thought, "how over and over again people find the one, or the one that got away, or your best match ever who just for whatever reason couldn't see it how you did." It cannot be the one if you have dozens, I thought. The two things that all of these important people have in common is that they are the most magical spectacular person you have ever met, and make you feel better than anyone else ever will or could, and two, the inevitable, impromptu, abandonment. 


Romantic, I know, especially if you convince yourself they left due to the fact that they were either not emotionally prepared for something so special and raw and real, or frankly, that they knew deep down in their heart and soul that you were worth so much more than they could ever give. But as I heard recently in a movie, people usually go when the sex does. Truth be told, I know now that a) magic only lingers mentally, and b) more than a majority of relationships, longevity, or trial and error, are built and based off of absolutely nothing. To distract, take up time, or maybe give you a warmer, fuzzier feeling than dinner by yourself in your dark car again, or waking up chilly, and alone.

I AM With You

""

Curl Up

The twisting of a damp towel, as hard as you can in your hands,

the only way to excrete the entirety of its remaining liquid. 

Ringing it out.

I Never Said Don't Go

               "you're off with barely a sigh."

It's That

It's that feeling where you were sure you wanted something and then realized you didn't actually. I'm fat and cold and sad, and I do not wish to see anyone, at all, actually.