Weak End

I doze off momentarily on the couch, I am warm, and finally in a daze. Soon after, the front door swings open loudly above my head, it's always the doorknob the startles me, each and every time. He exclaims, a bit drawn out, "Woah, I didn't know you were there, I just guessed", after we said hellos. He said work sucked, he is bored and lonely and wants to hang out. I'm unnerved by the thought, mostly upset being that I had attempted to get the sleep that I was so dearly close to just moments before. I told him that I was going to wake him up at 8am, and ask him to "talk and hang out", it being well past two. This bothers him, and was likely meant to. I could feel myself waking up more and more as we talk from the couch to the kitchen. He tells me to come to bed, I remember thinking that it was nice to hear, and I actually would do so if I believed he wanted me to. He's annoyed now, so I tell him I tried sleeping in the bed for a very long time, which is how and why I ended up on the couch. He says, louder than he would want to if he wasn't so drunk, something to the effect of wanting to help, telling me to sleep in the bed, "but whatever", he yells. I resented his slurry tone, but he did ask a second time, so I tell him that I am coming. We talk for a bit longer, his back to me always. I am still speaking as I hear him falling asleep. He begins to snore, as I avoid looking at the clock; it's always 4am, and I did not want to be certain of this. I crawl quietly back onto the couch. 

It takes a very long time, but I slept a little. Woke up early.

I'm not sure what day that was, or what morning I regretfully slipped in a comment about how embarassing his parking was from the night prior. Must have been saturday.

I recall not sleeping sunday, either, worrying all night, upset about having work the following morning. Monday I could not get to sleep, and didn't stay asleep well either. I had a very bittersweet, and jarring dream that taunted me all the next day. Tuesday did not go well. I took sleeping pills the rest of the week until tonight. I slept fine, really well I would even say. Sometimes I get home and it's hard to be alive, I tell myself to stay awake just long enough to get laundry done, shower, or paint my nails. Each day consists of morning/breakfast, work, chore, and then dedicating the rest of the evening to sleep preparation. Today my chore was getting gas. Some days I can't wait until seven (the time that I take sleeping pills) to take them, so I don't. Tuesday it was about six. Wednesday and thursday were better, so I could wait until closer to seven. Wednesday my chore to get done was laundry, thursday I knew that the repetition would dilute the affect; I took them and then went grocery shopping. I spent 103 dollar, and felt pretty terrible about it. I spent fifteen dollars on wine, it's called Rickshaw, and what I swallowed them with each night. Fridays I do not normally take sleeping pills, in case austin comes home straight from work, and because I do not have work in the morning. I wish that I had, tonight and most every night. Building up a tolerance is quite an unforutnate thing, though. 

I'm lying on the couch now, really wondering how much longer I could go on, like this. I have cried twice, this week.

(I guess it's not so much losing my mind as a loss of control. I can't tell you which is a worse way to go.)

take two sleeping aids

break into halves the time capsules

they go down just like red wine

shy my eyes and dream of when everything was fine 

Only Thing I Toyed With

Maybe the only thing that I miss is someone's belief that they loved me more than I loved them. You even proved it sometimes, crying, sharing those unflattering feelings so unabashed.

I believed you sort of liked it when you watched as I toyed with the hem on your shorts when I felt happy, or toyed with the hem on mine when nervous.

   "Don't like someone better than me."

      "Don't let yourself get sick of me."

Getting By

everyone is simply doing what the can to get by
it took me 22 years to discover

That Comfort

""

It's Already Too Late

"someday I want to die

in your bed alone at night
counting sheep
hoping that they’ll take me far from everything
hoping that they’ll take me far from you and me
it’s time for me to grow and to understand what life is
but I feel as if it’s already too late"

Refilled More Than Just My Mug

   "when I wake up and taste that sunset"

Lands Not Tread

“
Everything is quiet now,

The dark departs without a sound,
So I will try to come around,
And have our little talks.
I never thought you less a man,
So I will guide your ship to land,
I’ll try to lend a helping hand,
And have our little walks.

The sea remains the grayish threads,
Of words replied and things unsaid,
The soft decay of lands not tread,
Is heavy in our souls.
And yet we lay with quaint recluse,
And tighten grips around the noose,
Our hands—they pry the slipknot loose,
And tell ourselves we’re whole.

This house is cold and full of ghosts,
My untold love which loved you most,
And nailed its grief upon the post,
That stands outside our door.
Those times are gone and pass me by,
The stirrings of your lullaby,
The haunting past of you and I,
Our footprints on the shore.

Though soon your ship will sail away,
I’ll wait for you another day,
And voice the things I wish to say,
When next your vessel docks.
Though still I wake with dying screams,
And nothing much has been redeemed,
And far away your love now seems,

I miss our little talks.

"

See It

"I'll see it when I believe it"

I Know

 " I  k n o w  t h e  c o m p l i c a t e d  t r u t h " 

"We Are All Only Human"

the number of times you tell me that i am human does not make me feel any more like, or anything like one.

Laugh Track

we spend the following day nursing your hangover, and my bruised and bloodied ego.

which, mostly consists of eating away at the low expectations, before they eat away at us.

"it makes it hard to trust a man who cannot trust himself with a beer"

Girls