Anything

The hardest is every single thing right now is not knowing what it is that a person wants
all those that I care about
knowing I would give whatever it is to them if I could
knowing that I do not know



I see now my guilt for what it is,
contagious.

It's You It's You

"I would be that type of bf if someone gave me the chance."

Spiritual Debris

"Pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours.
Imagine the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people and carries around these multiple energies? What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract negative energy into your life.
I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be."

Nobody's Gonna Stay Here

"these stories we give each other

they're just different reasons

for begging you to stay"

Hit So Heavy

"They both just wished they would’ve known
a little sooner about this life that every loss
doesn’t have to cost so much
doesn’t have to hit so heavy
doesn’t have to get so dirty."

Years Months Days

Six days, seven shifts
and
nothing can take my mind off this

and

My mom told me as far back as she can remember
I believed if someone left me
that
they would be gone forever

Magic

mind-reading, telepathy, coincidences, karma, cards, fate, destiny, energy, souls, ghosts, spirits, connectivity, premonitions, dreams, psychics, pendulums, astrology, stars, fortunes, signs, parallels, time manipulation, warnings, meaning, synchronicities, universes, jinxes, deja vu, lucidity.

"I am sick of this MAGICAL THINKING."

Else

It is hard to be something or someone else

it is utmost difficult

to be myself

My Work Here Is Done

            My work here is done, I am ready to go back to the city now.

Yeah I Know

""

Getting Something Out Of Nothing

I will meet any level of intoxication with integrity

my romanticism paired with impaired judgement

replace dwelling, think and talk, in any order

and never feel anything that you would

all there is to do is find out what a person would say 

if they could say anything that they could

Poking And Prodding

eh, I'll be what I want to be
I like people better when they are

the diminishing significance of actions is alarming

hitting every single ball out of this court
just how I like it

and I am not looking to die happy, but peaceful

If I Could

"If I had it you wouldn't have to ask



     Later on when you bargain with your mirror
     and you ask is it really that bad
     If it wasn't you wouldn't have to ask
     If it wasn't you wouldn't have to ask



If you faced it you wouldn't need a mask
If you meant it you wouldn't need a mask
If I could fix you you wouldn't have to ask
If I could help you you wouldn't have to ask"

But

"I can't take back the words I never said."

Mine

 "I LOST MY WAY 
 WHEN I WAS TOSSED INTO THE FRAY
THIS IS NOT MY LIFE."

Tryin

Comforted

i'll give you your town back
(i do not belong anywhere)
just be comforted knowing
there is always at least one person
who wants me dead more


{i may or may not hate you
but i hope that you are sleeping
more than this}

With abandoning the fear of being hurt, nothing could ever mean too much.

Sobriety

“Someday, I’d like to live a life based on doing good stuff instead of just not doing bad stuff. You know?"

Streets

You wear a mask for so long, and you begin to try to peel it off, but you are just clawing at face. Your fingers sink into stretchy flesh, but it has no plans of coming off, and what was underneath it? Is what is on the surface just the same? You look into the mirror and every once in a while realize that it is not your face. I am watching myself from a bird's eye view, and it dawns upon me to remind myself that this is not you. I don't know what's real, but this life isn't, and please don't make me be the one to say something. There is never anything to say.

Good To See You

My fingers touch your sweat dripping back
one 
last 
time
and I wonder if anything at all has meaning.

You Are Always Right

"Be healthy today."

Worms

I was going to write a list of all the things you used to think of me, I decided against it. I feel so much like a can of worms, you feeling nothing.

Lies Inside Of It

"I am as stable as sand in a windstorm. 
once, we were graceful steeples, hands held upward and eyes wide in suspense. now, we are tangled like intruders in the wires of the fence. for a fence is built to protect what lies inside of it. 
do you still feel sick? 
because I do."

I Wasn't Calling You About Lightning

I hate to think of you when the term fair-weather friend comes up, and it does. I will never desert you completely, and that is selfish, because it is not for your sake, but for my own. You are too excellent and amazing to me to give up for anything else at all, and certainly for nothing. Every once and a while I need you when I need you, I thought that would be something you would understand. When you need someone you show up, and if I didn't feel so perpetually awful about myself I would likely go trying to find you myself. I don't know why you, I really don't, I wish so badly that I could disclose any of the things I need to tell you to my best friends. But I can't, and I guess everyone needs those people. You see the people in your life in such a wonderful and fantastic way, I hate so much to taint you constantly with the grittiness and grossness of my thoughts and life, maybe for that I really will leave you alone. Sad how badly I wanted that call, you want to talk about pretty things, like thunder and lightning, I wanted to talk about darkness, and my storms. I hope more than anything in the world that my rain cloud dissipates, and I can tell you what a nice day it is, and really mean it.

Guidance

{dumping some gross garbage that I promised myself I would not}
I don't know what to do or say any more, with anything, at all. You used to be the one here for me, there used to be people in my life really, really here for me. Now everyone has their own lives, and I still don't, and everyone has moved on from the past, and I am still so much in it. If I could, I would tell you I just do not know what to say, but I don't even know if that would be wrong. Come back, even for just a moment, I need your help, and I worry that I need only yours. If I could get in your head, I would do anything. I tried, I tried to reach you in some mysterious realm of wonder. This is only real though, I should know that best, it was only ever real. If I see you again, and 'destiny' puts us there again, standing, looking, so deep, I will be able to say something, I will have to. It took one month, and I can wait again, I hope that I can. I hope that is enough time. There is so much to say, I just wish you looked happy enough for me to forget those things pertaining to you. And for the very first time in my whole life, I wish that I appeared unhappy to you, not that you could ever care enough to do anything about that if I did. I can't force anyone to be anything, but I can't do this alone forever. Things are getting really complicated, when all I wanted was some sleep, and to be not here. Good luck.. The best advice I've gotten in years is to forget about it and move on, but the present isn't as shining and glorious, I am not sure where all the beauty and meaning went, but here I am, still holding too tightly to anything I can get.
Who am I kidding though when I use the word real, I could never appreciate, or even so much as recall something real. If I care about anything it is magical and fated, this is just me having a difficult time coping, dealing with, and attempting to accept reality. I taught myself that real was meaningless, well here it is.

Distinction

"There is effort and there is caring." 


"The gray area is so fucking big."


"There is a difference between looking and seeing."

Days Like Today

If it is true that I am in fact here, then obviously there are things still to be taken care of. You told me that, and I didn't really want to hear it, but it was true. Similarly, like you do not wish to hear what I have to say, whatever it is exactly, I do not know. How do you convey to somebody exactly what it is that you want to?  It would be the extent to which I need you, and always, always will be that.

Keep Pulling

If you give me the chance, I pull you back to earth, and then I keep pulling. You don't want to know where my level has been, but I will take the opportunity to get you as close as I can. And we all love each other just fine, but you do not want to go there. This can be my decision to leave all the heads in the clouds, and let me lay, inside the bed that I made, you can only guess how far down.




"And I'd be lying if I said this was my plan
we are all in this together
see I'm trying but I just don't understand
why I can't predict the weather past the storm"

Shattered

there's a fishhook in my mouth
and frankly it is hard to talk about
hurts while it's in
hurts worse trying to take it out
crying on another porch
everything i am living without


there is no god, just a universe, people and their patterns, nothing matter, which is worse?


your words are sharper than glass
mine still get dropped and fumbled
excruciatingly always soft and subtle
everything, never ends
your voice 
i may never sleep ever again
(you were far too permanently influential
still can't stop the shaking hands)

 "We have just lost cabin pressure."

Learning Patience

"I want you to know
I'm learning patience


against my will."

Goodbye

god does not work in that mysterious of ways i have found
i just watch him cushion me enough to keep me around
well some little birdies told you i was trying to be better
so you responded to me with a thousand word letter
a little birdie told me that you do not need me
i should have replied that it is just not in a way that any bird could see


"[You] can feel me healing and [you] hate it."

I know those one thousand words better than anything
my picture spoke nine hundred ninety nine
you heard them all
embarrassing, predictable, mine
just as the missing one

Calm

             "I'm looking for the cure

          I never saw the calm before the storm act so nervous"

Smoke Signals

taunting | flaunting |haunting
Telepathy on the verge of madness.


"Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
that I started looking for a warning sign

when the truth is, I miss you
yeah the truth is, that I miss you so


and I'm tired"

Improvising

When I hear myself talking aloud about my life, it sounds exactly as if I am making up a story on the spot to be weird.
The only thing I believe in is magic.
This is all death.

Will Resurface

"I disrobe and show my most convincing disguise
I've lived so many lives each death has left my face scarred
Hid so many lies under my breath that I can't face God
Dig into my mind deep enough you'll find a graveyard
I get nervous bodies will resurface every time it rains hard

"Don't cry, girl." Let me outline your shortcomings
While my world is full of them, and they're all in the long runnings
It's all fun and games. It's all done in vain. It's all a fucking shame
I ain't the one, but I'm the one to complain.

I'm the one to come home.
Compare.
Contrast.
Come fast.
Make love to the present, fuck the past.
Make love to the present, fuck the past.
Nothing lasts.
Don't you dare worry about the morning aftermath."

Painful Balance

  "Get me out of this."

Reminded

              

Relating

he said, "double-growing up"

but nothing made more sense to me, ever

than fully reliving

everything, always

Substituting And Manifesting

  Refraining from very innate desires, I will withhold myself from delving into each and every thing and human that lead me to feeling like the worst person of the face of the earth. But, instead, in lieu of the depiction of countless, monumental disappoints, I will just say a word or two about things that made me happy. Although I am as easily pleased as let down, it meant just so much everything he said to me, and at the end when he continues the conversation past the point we need to. Maybe it just takes telling me that someone sees that I am a good friend (if even just to them), for my intentions and motives behind what I do, and kissing me on the forehead repeatedly, but that's fine. I don't know what else I can really put into words, and sure, resentments seep in. But you said you wanted to hear what I had to say, and you meant it, and nothing could mean more than that right now. Whilst being sorry for everything that I am, the connectivity that is too apparent makes me feel just really good. Every word I hear resonates, and I am eternally grateful, again.


"We are all looking for something we cannot explain


We were each other's home."

Street

I need to tell this to you in painstaking detail, I still might, but I need to put it somewhere for now. So he is looking at me, and everything else fades dark, because I am paying attention. He says to me that RIGHT NOW, this is my chance to manifest my reality, a positive reality, I say that I can't. You walk up, or I saw you standing there, everything around me comes back, and my vision now only sees you, taking a longer than your usual drag off a cigarette. I can't read the expression on your face when I say your name, I don't know where you are, or if it really registered at all, I felt my moment dying, because it was.

It Cancels It Out

i really tried to talk shit about you, it was my first time i think, it felt awful and dirty, totally unrewarding. it made me think of how you saw people, so fucking good, 
and i saw your brother, and his hair was long, and his smile was yours, i missed you, for i am sad always.

Duarte

He said he didn't know the song, close enough, I had to take it there. I told him about coincidences, and everything paralleling other things, and how I could trip out forever, and I do. He said that people say, "Oh, it's just a coincidence." And that it makes it sound a lot smaller than it actually is (language has changed things). He said it is two things intertwining, and he laced his fingers for me, and I looked at them for a long time. He said that those sort of things have a purpose, "There is a reason". I asked him if he knew the reason, he said no, because each of these things have a reason, but they are all different and specific to each occurrence. I checked to see if he was looking as I walked away, and we met eyes a last time, I don't know.
She said, "You meet good people too though, right?" He smiled his biggest, brightest smile and replied with just, "Every day."

Reached The Point

"My feelings have reached the point of pathology.

And I can't seduce anyone with a pathology."

Drear Depths

"He could not endure what he found himself going through, and he could not get away. It seemed to him as if he sat behind the tiller of his custom-made unique quibble, facing a red light, green light, amber light all at once; no rational response was possible. Her irrationality made it so. The terrible power, he thought, of illogic. Of the archetypes. Operating out of the drear depths of the collective unconscious which joined him and her — and everyone else — together. In a knot which could never be undone, so long as they lived.

No wonder, he thought, some people, many people, long for death."

React To Anything

"People just have no criterion left to evaluate the importance of things. I think the only thing that would really affect people would be the announcement that the world was going to be blown up by the hydrogen bomb. I think that would really affect people. I think they would react to that. But outside of that, I don't think they would react to anything."

Doesn't See Darkly

"What does a scanner see? he asked himself. I mean, really see? Into the head? Down into the heart? [Do they] see into me—into us—clearly or darkly? I hope it does, he thought, see clearly, because I can’t any longer these days see into myself. I see only murk. Murk outside; murk inside. I hope, for everyone’s sake, the scanners do better. Because, he thought, if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I myself do, then we are cursed, cursed again and like we have been continually, and we’ll wind up dead this way, 

knowing very little and getting that little fragment wrong too."

Who Fill The Empty Space

If words are so trivial and meaningless, how could I be so affected by you saying so.

Consequences Of Clarity

These are the consequences of clarity. And of course I'd take it all back, who wouldn't? Shortness of breath, repeating thoughts, repeating thoughts, panic stricken. You're self medicaticating. My heart is jumping out of my chest, or rather off of my sleeve. Either way, no place to go.

Lost Is Lost

"You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. 

You can never replace anyone... because everyone is made of such beautiful, specific details."

What Ends Doesn't

    "Our slowly passing days like so many dogeared pages.


    And I can imagine an ocean of water for miles hanging above my head.
    And I can imagine the vultures gathering down at the foot of my bed.
    I can imagine the sky a golden crimson red.
    But I’d rather not imagine how this ends."

You Care

"I know you're thinking about it
because you aren't talking about it"

Becoming Extraneous

         How many different ways can a person be told to loosen grip?

I Know It's Almost Impossible

"You know if I believe if there's any kind of god it would'nt be in any of us, not you or me, but just this little space in between.
If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something.
I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, who cares really, the answer must be in the attempt."

Hollering Wolves Trying To Milk It

"You'll probably never hear this song
let alone sip the mission long enough to listen

(I smoke cigarettes down to filter, smoke the filter down to space
now I'm gonna roll this question tight and smoke that shit up in your face
now if you were to alter masks every time fame circus approaches
do you really think your maker wouldn't notice? Think about it)

Okay, I've died a thousand, and I'll die a thousand more,
I leave footprints in fours, two for bi-peds, two more to break the door
practically caress the utterings of crushed by drudgery brothers and sisters
mothering stickler cabin and madden shit
I'll fix the wing for a penny and a parable
yeah, but this friendship sunk with a barrel full of tarot's pull
I've seen guys harbor bad shiners
then wonder why the culprits sitting at the their rainbows ending
rocks garbage bag liners 
without the appleseed it's useless (I sat for greed)
patched for boredom crafts a castle out of toothpicks (I sat to breath)
I breath too hard nearly metamorph castle loose pins
now I stand to breath as not to disturb the plumage 
and I know that's not a story
it no longer turns my stomach"

Loving

 “It was possible to love life, without loving your life.”

It's Midnight

"If I could tell people anything, it is do not think this moment is special."

Doubting The Truth And Those Who Expose It

I just wonder if things so big can be wrong

and you live your whole life going along

with whatever it is that you have learned

all the while it was an improper card turned

Everyone Too Big To Swallow

dear self,
you listen too well, you think you understand everything
even when you think you don't
and the only thing you've been good at
is keeping the waterworks in your eyes
and waiting
for things to work out by leaving you behind


nobody wants to be loved that much
when I am feeling hallow
slid you in to a cookie cuter shape of something
I cannot swallow
that suffocated feeling by the look in my eyes
when you say you are going to go
no one even consciously knows


well I found my closure I suppose
and no regrets, although
in my dreams you're still throwing your ice water
down the back of my neck

Car Robbery

"Carjack 
To dream that you have been carjacked suggests that you have lost your direction in life. You feel that circumstances in your life has lead you on a different course.

Wheels 

To dream that you lose a wheel from a vehicle indicates that you are feeling lost. You do not know what direction to go or where you are headed.

Car 

To dream that your car has been stolen indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

To see a parked car in your dream suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car may symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life."

Gross

every, everything goes the same way
slowly skipped town to save a little face
now i am back here again, come on look me in the eyes
you are a whole lot of things, 
but the one thing you won't be is surprised.

Street Fair

                      

         

Underwhelming and overbearing.

I clearly am incapable of any sort of normal or healthy relationship, of any kind, and that makes me feel very badly.

The Latter Path

 "The pain, so unexpected and undeserved had for some reason cleared away the cobwebs. I realized I didn't hate the cabinet door, I hated my life... My house, my family, my backyard, my power mower. Nothing would ever change; nothing new could ever be expected.
It had to end, and it did.
Now in the dark world where I dwell, ugly things, and surprising things, and sometimes little wondrous things, spill out in me constantly, and I can count on nothing."

Night Without Stars, Parked Car, Scars

you watched me, as I sat in that chair
bleeding profusely
about how you used me, and used to be
silent, still, throbbing
this is someone putting the same salt
that they put in their face
in your wound
and I wanted more than anything to leave that room
but I knew
I needed your assistance to move
so I never got out
oh the distance between those two chairs
alone in your brother's house
later in your car you were crying
because you watched all my life leave my eyes
couldn't bear to see me dying
I looked out my window into the night sky
I asked it why
because I still couldn't look you in the eye
you were ruined, I was ruined
the only thing weeping now was my wound
it was the end, one of the saddest embraces of my life
after I said you can never do that to me again
and before you never did

You Then I

You and I are the same, only in that we both want something to be the way that we want it, 
or do not want it at all. We are so black and white, 
but will we remain these colors now forever?

People

I just hope we continue

not to hurt each other's

feelings, and to say pretty

much everything we need to,

and I will be lost in figuring it all out.

Happy

I find purpose in singing other's praises, and there are so many people I will never compliment or confide in again. That notion is overwhelmingly sad to me, I can only be happy admitting to someone that they are the reason for it.

Inspired Feeling

I think feeling inspired is one of my favorite, favorite feelings. I like when people inspire me. I like when it comes spilling out. If only we could all instill inspiration, and act upon positive influences.

"it's the way my hands felt."

Life In Movie Reviews

"Alas, it's a love letter written on the fly, 
with brushstroke characters working their way 
through a cluster of sketchy, disconnected plotlines."


"Flighty, fanciful and amusing - but quickly forgettable"


"Every storyline concludes in the same circular fizzle."

Above All

"Beauty will be convulsive or will not be at all."

"I have always been amazed at the way an ordinary observer lends so much more credence and attaches so much more importance to waking events than to those occurring in dreams... Man... is above all the plaything of his memory."

"Perhaps I am doomed to retrace my steps under the illusion that I am exploring, doomed to try and learn what I should simply recognize, learning a mere fraction of what I have forgotten."

"What one hides is worth neither more nor less than what one finds. And what one hides from oneself is worth neither more nor less than what one allows others to find."

If You Ever Thought Otherwise

inquire my motives
my intentions are always pure
please ask for an explanation
to be totally sure
so if I did anything lousy
or caused any hurt
always ask what my goals were
 I see how most things about me went bad
 I feel I may never again feel that feeling I had
 ask the things that I wanted
 even just because I never told them
 inquire my motives
 my intentions were and are always golden

Used To Want It

The truth is I'm just waiting here for you to need me 

The truth is I stopped wanting the truth a long time ago


remember how bad it was when I left your house in the morning without saying goodbye to you? You were asleep. I've been awake, brutally awake, for all this. Try to imagine that abandonment, times a fucking lifetime. You did not say goodbye, you did not come back, what did you expect me to feel cause of that? That's what I deserved? We made promises, and I always said goodbye. 

Telling Someone

I was told in such a casual manner, but not casual enough that I didn't know it was coming. I used to pull that maneuver all of the time, telling someone by telling someone that you've told someone, it is so much safer.

Where

Where others find monotony, I find beauty in repetition..

Don't Have The Energy For A Second Round

Take me anywhere, or leave me here to rot. Something died last year in that house, and I can't seem to resurrect it. Hopes and dreams disintegrated back there. Being reborn from my ashes sounds like too much work.

Take me along, or not, just leave me here to rot. Something in me died last year, whatever it was, I've already forgot. Now I'm spent, who knew how little I had to give, and what it ended up costing, attempting to burn the past like stacks of cash but rebirthing myself from my ashes just sounds exhausting.

Ultimate Relaxation

"BUBBLE BATH 

To dream that you or someone is taking a bubble bath represents ultimate relaxation. You have rid yourself of your worries/difficulties and release all the negative emotions you have been keeping inside."

I was in a small bathroom alone, I begin to draw a bath, there was a thick layer of bubbles, I was free of worries, stresses and fears. I watched the water rise. I watch the lather get higher and higher, but when I went to turn the water off, there was no way to. I didn't know how to stop the running water, it was filling fast, I could not tell if there was a way that I was not seeing, the tub grew increasingly full. I was frantic, panicked, I woke up.

I'ma Keep Keep Calling

"I step quietly, the way that cat's move
But I'm bear-like

My head trapped in dear lights
You can call me John, I'm writing letters to the dark side of the moon tonight
My lovely Jane, you went away but the pain stayed
So I'm sending you a package to the address where you traded names
I made no claims on the identity theft
I'm more concerned about the home with no amenities left
And it's already a mess

The dust piles like your junk mail
So I eat away depression and crush the scale
You find yourself on the opposite side of the spectrum
Emaciated on a strict diet of bed crumbs
Me? I choose to wallow and I'll just swim in my fat
You, refuse to swallow so I see ribs from the back
This isn't an attack, it's an admission of guilt
I'm living in the past, kissing your ass, sipping your milk
But it's all bone and curdle

I saw stones in a circle
Stood in the middle

Told myself riddles in a robe that's purple
The murder weapon was an icicle
Is that the reason why I'm standing in this puddle with my eyes so full?
I fight feelings like a war on drugs
I'm a chemist with a test tube addiction born through coffee mugs
Our baby now is all growed up
Your car is still dead in my driveway while I wait for the tow truck
And you know what? I know I drove you away
I still don't think it was wrong so I don't know what to say
It's been a tough year

You say that life ain't fair
Well, guess what, baby...life ain't

Thems the breaks
You say that life ain't worth it

But it is

You gotta work it
Nobody's life is perfect

Yeah, you've been dealt a bad hand

Placed against a stacked deck
Been through all the cat scans and bad checks
But I slashed your debt

Not your wrists
And I couldn't help with anything else that became cancerous
Halfway people with a full baby to bury
Took a flame to the papier-mache sanctuary
When the smoke clears, try not to stare into the light
But, also, don't stay in the dark as if that's what life is like
It's just a series of unfortunate events
But the messages we get are more important than death
What's the rush?
I've got a shortness of breath
What's the rush?
Running from you...running from me
It's the rush. The crush. The lust. The love-trust
So what's the trouble? The busted bubble? The unjust?
That's just the way the cookie crumbles

It does suck, but suck it up

We're all looking, but nothing's enough
We used each other as a crutch 

The clutch, the shift switches
You couldn't just adjust

You combusted and ripped pictures
This is why I'm not considered a saint?
Well, guess what?

I ain't

It's been a hell of a year"