Saturday, May 31, 2014

330 am

Dear Lizz,

I apologize for the things that said when my self loathing was so deep-seated I could not find a way to allow you to love me.
I made my own heart sore,
she could never do that.

"How could you ever think? With all that is between us, how could you ever rationalize things that way?" She speaks this in a voice very seldom heard, not a hint of playing a game, not a glimpse of her own emotion. 
I knew what she was speaking of,
I could feel, nearly see the beating life between us that we had build, the hard way,  some days nothing is more real than that. I felt like less than nothing, but inspired to rid myself of these notions, this sickness, be better for her.
We sat together, I only really went out to see her, but would never tell her that. Every once in a while a thought comes into my head, I do not act upon, but I thought that I really felt like holding her hand
right then. 
The second the idea concluded she had already reached down. I repeated in my head it was a mere coincidence, but let myself be happy anyway.
Lizz has given me the gift of comfortability, to be fearless in being myself.. there are abosutely no words of justice for that.

I know it's 3:30am and I haven't slept much of any, but I wanted to say that
Lizz's skin feels like a kitten's paw that you're sure should be hardened and worn from the outside world, but just isn't (she isn't).

Friday, May 30, 2014

But Don't Tell Me


"THIS IS DIRECTLY FROM EVERY CONVERSATION

WE SHOULD HAVE HAD"

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Seven AM


I remember very little, almost nothing of my dream from the night. It wasn't a dream that I had during the night actually, I have not dreamt for as far back as I can recall, but falling asleep after my first two alarms, then final third, I dreamed. I sat at the kitchen table, not much later, and realized that two parts stood out to me. So I was with my friends, a small group, made up of Lizz, Austin or Dylan, and a third. We were walking around a lot, and finally made it to stadium seating (for what I do not know), we sat right in the middle, Lizz to my right. We were all talking, I was speaking to her mostly, then it's quiet a moment. Lizz has my hand indly, whether I was holding it up or she was, I am not sure. She then bites downs on the side of my pointer finger, not hard, not long. She smiles, a certain look on her face. I could only conclude that she did it as a false attempt for attention, which I didn't understand, because I was going to give it to her anyway. The notion of the bite stood out to me, even before I woke. 
We leave, and walk together on the sunny sidewalk, ripping sandwiches and muffins. I'm not sure where all the bread came from, but I know Austin and I were sharing, eating it almost ravenously. Lizz was distracted, walking ahead, didn't want any of my sandwich, I kept offering anyway. We got to a port-a-potty and all crammed inside, finishing the bread, trading it around in their little white bags. I remember being happy, even while feeling generally excessive. In my sleep I am just a different version of overbearing.


I looked up the two things that felt of any significance.


"Bread 
To see bread in your dream represents the basic needs of life. Bread may signify the positive qualities and great things you have learned on your journey of life. 



Bites 
To dream that you are being bitten represents your vulnerability regarding some unresolved issues or emotions. You may be pestered by a problem or obstacle.

Biting 
To dream of biting someone in your dream signifies the pressure you are putting on some people causing them great distress.
"

What I gathered, was my awareness of the fact that my best friends are (and have been) giving me the meaning of life, giving me purpose. Lizz biting me I interpreted first as her believing she is bothering me when she isn't (maybe also knowing she really isn't), once I read the meaning, it made me think of the things that sting that she reminds me of, twinges of memories past, good ones, "vulnerable unresolved issues or emotions", things I don't say.


Edit (5/30): I probably dreamt of bread because I associate it with things I should not eat but enjoy, and Jillian said my whole life is friends and food. I probably dreamt of Lizz biting me because I could feel my bracelet pressing my skin, and she was the last person to text me before I fell asleep.

Copper Gone

This is my review of the long-awaited (for us all) studio album from Sage Francis. This is his fifth official record, and first "studio" album released on his own record label, Strange Famous Records. Many if not all of the tracks on the album were recorded in his family home in Providence Rhode Island, which he bought from his parents, and now resides with two (mentioned on the album) cats, Copper, the runt, and his Mama. Not only worth the wait, I believe that his is a release that any Sage fan, 1996-present will respect, and enjoy. Lets get to it.

PRESSURE COOKER the opening track, not only sets the mood, but will indefinitely have you smirking at its heavy beat, and telling lyrics, "I'VE BEEN BUSY". Not that anyone was worried, but Sage proves that he has not lost it, but in fact stepped up his game, with time, and what he's seen in it. This song is a beautiful blend of wordplay, honesty, put-downs, and pickups. If I had to compare it to anything, perhaps a Sun Vs. Moon vibe, and Call Me Francois flow. Somehow he magically manages to describe his embarrassed, neurotic hiding out, disguised in plain sight as a rocking, feel good rap, and this will not be the last of that.

Favorite lyrics:
"It's just both sides of my bed are wrong, and I'm always waking up!"

Quietly the album and tempo shifts into something eerily peaceful with GRACE. A smorgasbord of breakup lines, bad relationships, good revelations, clever slights, goodbyes, and goodriddances.

"You suggested Lithium to get me better again
that is unless if we, uhm, get together again
but that ain’t gonna happen, never again
send my well wishes to your nutritionist
your dietician, your pharmacist
your personal trainer and your accomplices
your partners in thought crime
your criminal group thinking doctors online
there is a difference between what is and isn’t
business and friendship
parental assistance and an assistant
a permanent solution and a quick-fix
a fit body and sound mind".

No one comes to a brutal conclusion quite like Sage, and he tells 'em how he sees 'em, which is clearly, in Grace. Speaking of blunt, the track itself ends quite abruptly, and perfectly.
Favorite lyrics:
"theres a music box that haunts me from the top-shelf of the bedroom closet
I don’t touch it, it just cuddles with my conscience
I’m on constant guard, jittery the whole night
clinging the sheets because it sings to me slow like
and that’s her song running through an hourglass
built with two wine bottles that I found in a flower patch
planting it in quicksand, refusing to sink fast
abusing me slow, I hear the music and I think back
before the fall, before the set up
before the interest in sex even developed
I fell in love with distance as an ex’s best friend
there used to be revenge, but i couldn’t see no end
so I had to switch the lens in and focus on some flesh
no more clinging to old threads"

Seconds later we are into ID THIEVES. This is a solid, traditional Sage song, if there is such a thing. I remember watching a video with a couple of verses from this, that he performed live maybe even up to a year ago, and I can easily say I love what he did with it. It is about life, money, hip hop, and alludes to numerous themes eminent throughout. He is going to let you know what is valid in rap, making us all wish more would listen.

Favorite lyrics: 
"I'm not love sick, 
your sick idea of love would kill me"

If you liked Midgets and Giants, get ready for CHEAT CODE. Sage jumps seamlessly line by line between pop culture references, anecdotes of living off hip hop, un-humble brags, clear channel knocks, coming up, and enough Sage swagger to make just about anyone cry over "spilled soy milk".

Favorite lyrics: 
"find me if you need me, son, I’m easy to locate
you finally gon' feed me then I’m eating that whole cake"

"breaking bread with the best of 'em

crumbs are left under the table for the rest of 'em"

And then there is DEAD MAN'S FLOAT, a sweet melody telling the tale of a sick culture. He slows it down, to share his thoughts on human beings, their beliefs, flaws, and death. It reminds me of a Sage Francis sort of rendition of Modest Mouse's float on, its sort of rap evil twin. This track is pretty as it hits the ear, as it is unsettling as it hits the stomach.

Favorite lyrics:
"go to sleep young one, have sweet dreams of someone
that you'll never meet, but you'll speak of forfeit whenever you talk in tongues
the coffin comes in the form of a canoe, no paddle
no info, no manual, live slow, don't be so quick to storm the castle
that's survival kids, put an oxygen mask inside the tackle box
your limbs and abdomen will sense when the pressure of the cabin drops
shut up when the captain talks, the secret of the enlightened
is to preach against whatever they practice in the dark
we're all born free, we die by the shackles we adopt
enjoy your buoyancy, right up until the very last drop"

In OVER UNDER OG Sage reminds us of his talent, when breathing becomes nonessential. There is a lot to be said, and he says it. Clocking in at under two and a half minutes, he uses it. Over a wonderful use of violin, this track is truly autobiographical, hilarious, and raw. The song addresses the fine line between hippy and yuppie, shallow and grotesque, shitty guys and shitty girls. He is aware of his short-comings, and maybe even cheesiness, but moreover, yours too. "There’s a war everybody try to bad talk pride, and they constantly strive to be proud of themselves, follow the beat of another conundrum".
Favorite lyrics:
"oh I know, I know, I let myself go
I simply slipped through my own pathetic grip
can never really get a firm grasp of my true inner glow
but tell me the truth, you’re more pissed that I let go of you cause it was overdue
in person your life don’t look nearly as well put together as all your photos do
that’s ok but eventually, since you push me, since you press me
fuck your non-stop, toxic, drama carpetbagging, fuck your selfie
oh I’m the pig, you’re trying to strangle me in a blanket though"

MAKE EM PURR. Buck 65 described Make Em Purr as the saddest song on Copper Gone, and of course Richard is never wrong. When you were so sure that Sage was digging deep, really in there, this song will blow you out of the water, making you realize that he was barely just scratching the surface. Produced by Buck 65, himself, Make Em Purr has my favorite beat on the track, featuring a haunting piano, and drum kit to match. The lyrics deeply address issues with human interactions, body image, isolation, disappointment, self punishment, health, fear, age and time. This is one of the songs I relate to most on the album, and the one that I hope that you relate to the least.

Favorite lyrics: 
"it’s been forever since I said something that I can’t wiggle free from
if there’s anything I cherish in this self-inflicted prison, it’s freedom"

The first single off of Copper Gone was VONNEGUT BUSY. A fun-time, Epic Beard Men classic. Reminiscent of his previous album, Li(f)e, this track is cool, calm, collected. Sage is a perfectionist, and you can tell, this song just feels good, clean, faultless. Depressing, inspiring, this is an instant jam, and excellent choice of single to represent the multiplicity and magnitude that is Copper Gone.

Favorite lyrics:
"you never asked me why I spread myself so thin
I'm finna flirt dirty with the pen and flick my tongue on this bottom
I promise writer's block ain't never been a problem
I'll probably make the columns wanna pop bottles of pain relief
sometimes it's what you don't say that says the most, to say the least"

THANK YOU. Hands Down best song on the album, or song to be released within the last half decade or more. This track reminds me of the last time that I saw Sage Francis live, March of 2012 at The Independent in San Francisco. I will digress for a moment. Getting to, and into that show was the most difficulty I had ever had (not enough time, no transportation, and no ID for 21+), and when I finally do, alone and in my most uninviting expression and outfit, Matt, a very tall, somewhat handsome comedian from San Jose spends the night trying to buy me drinks, make me laugh, and grind. I was in a good mood, all things considering, and did have a great time (really would never deny a Strange Famous fan), when Sage reaches near the end of his set. My eyes never left the stage; not only is Sage a tremendous performer (spitting, kicking, dancing, kissing, DJing and much more), but an entralling person, profoundly captivating. He says then that he is going to play two new songs, and moments later I am sprinting through the thick crowd, and away from confused Matty, to get as close to the stage as a girl part way through the headliner's set could get. They must have sensed the intensity of my energy, because the seas parted before me, and boys were stepping back to get me closer, and closer until I am literally touching the stage. The powerful drone of Thank You begins, and I am covered in chills. I'd never been in love with a song like I was in that moment, rested on the cool metal of the stage's edge, right below Sage, looking up at him with adoration, and understanding. Nearly two years subsequent, when Thank You was announced as a new Daytrotter live recording from SXSW, a very small part of me thought that it would make it as a studio version on the album (I had been sufficed with a live version from the same tour I had found on Youtube, at Belly Up in Solona Beach). Sure enough, if anyone, Sage would recognize this song's importance. I will never be able to explain the poetic gooddness, the sensation that I get each and every time that I listen to this song. Thank You is about the complexity of love, whether it be family, friend, or lover, it is all the same, it is what they teach you, what you teach them, and what you each take away. This track changed my life, from the very first time that I experienced it, and this version of the song does it justice.
Favorite lyrics:
"I was a stupid son of a gun with initials carved into me
I was a stray, a runaway, afraid someday you’d shoot me
so I scratched off the letters with a pocket knife
it’s how I loss my way when I was tossed into the fray
this is not my life, who am I kidding, it's a thank you note
disguised as a written apology for everything you taught to me
so awkwardly I approach the open microphone with everything that I wrote
clear my throat, adjust the collar on my coat
as I rock crowds, microphones and boats and then I stroke
whatever little ego I have left, I should have left it at the alter
but I didn’t cause I’m an idiot, self-deprecating author
with a paperback edition that isn’t worth a flip through
if I don’t give you the credit that you deserve
you edited the words from the grave and beyond
from the first sign of sun raise at dawn
till the moonbeam set blaze to my lawn
the universe collapses on my front steps
so we get to share in that moment, for just one moment
and nobody’s upset, there’s no more anger, there’s no more sunsets
so I crawl back in the chamber, you can shoot me up
you might as well, we had great communication before the tower fell"

THE SET UP is very much growing on me, it sounds like what would play underground in 

Mario if it were underground hip hop. Dark and light, this song has heavy metaphors, and reminds me of nothing before. I am going to have to listen to this one at least a thousand times to begin to apprehend, but that is exactly what I appreciate.
Favorite lyrics:
"worst thing I ever did to another person in this world is nothin'"

"gamble away my better half in hopes of doubling up

the dealer said double or nothing, I laughed, I was shit out of luck
but what have I got to lose? at least I’m whole now
half man, half clone, the bad composite sketch of a one-hundred percent asshole
but it wasn’t without help, many people did their part
to make me take the time to Frankenstein was ripped apart
and put it together again, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
couldn’t admit that this was a predicament they put me in
you want a piece of this? welcome to the eggshells
I’m barefoot and pregnant to my kitchen, y’ll can help yourselves
to the feast but tippy-toe away if you can’t take the heat, or over-used clichés
back in the days I’d leave you heartbroken
these days I simply reach into your chest and tear those scars open
evaluate appreciation, write you off for tax purposes
I’d rather be homeless than settle in that worthless nest"

This is a song for night driving, this song sounds like what you wish every song on the radio was. This song is THE PLACE SHE FEARED MOST. This song sounds like a technology cloud (but not 'the cloud'). Produced by longtime collaborator, Animator, needless to say this song sounds amazing. Dancey, tough, demanding, and all-knowing. I like to think of this as The New Sage, same style, just grown, and enjoying himself, musically at least. This song stays where it is at, which is a cool place.
Favorite lyrics:
"pick-up or delivery? sick of this chivalry
just tell me what you're willing to give to me and we go from there
well hello there, dressed to impress but going nowhere?
well let's go there
grown man flirting like it hurts him that he has to bother
is that your baby-baby bubba, does he have a father?"

ONCE APON A BLOOD MOON is my personal second favorite on Copper Gone. I feel this song in my chest. It feels like walking on the moon, it sounds like echoes, it looks like standing on a dock and looking out at the water, next to a distant lover. I cannot praise this song enough, so I won't. But I will say, no one does a relationship anthem like Sage, brilliant, thoughtful, sensitive and precise. "And he cried, Love, so much he watched the waters raise up". Overly aware of his oversights in love, expectations, connections, communication, and those things that happen that there aren't words for. Once Upon a Blood Moon sounds like a dream I do not want to end, and is on repeat.

Favorite lyrics:
"they skimmed rocks for the whole day
he imagined he was throwin' rotten parts of himself that broke away
so he couldn't stop, fascinated by the way they skip up top
give up and then drop, he sank with them
they convened on the rock bottom and made a decision

that's when he came to the surface, fully intending

to be so strong in his resolve, 'til all of it dissolves
slippin' through his pruny fingers like this could've been ours
but this is to the offers that can't be followed through with
the water works, the leaky faucet still lost fluids
to the current of the stream that'll always push you from me
to the reoccurring dream that makes reality less ugly
in a picturesque setting, where the world looks airbrushed
needless to say, words failed us"

Uncle Sage says SAY UNCLE. A subtle trumpet, under a strong opinion. This song is again about Sage's life, and gives us a generous little glimpse again how he has been dealing, and what thoughts have been plaguing him still in this time. A Personal Journals sentiment, maybe hint of A Healthy Distrust, now with the wisdom of hindsight.

Favorite lyrics:
"if we're not allowed to age gracefully
I'm putting it all out on the table, exactly what will you take from me?
choose carefully cause a magical head
has no phanton power source and the battery's are dead
supposed to keep my head up, at the same time drop my shoulder
to plow through the nonsense, since I've gotten older
I've replaced too many parts in this motor
mama said ''knock down the house - start over''
sometimes it feels like life is too long, but not forever enough
one day you can't give it away, the next you basically beg for the stuff"


MAINT REQD. This track goes out to anyone at that maintence required point of life; I like to think I get this song. "Have you tried turning me off and back on again?" In fear of trying to sound too cool, I will go ahead and admit MAINT REQD reminds me of something off of Hope by Non-Prophets. Smart and playful, something like Any Port. The prominent theme remains in this one, Sage seemingly deducing simultaneously that he is both better than everyone alive, and worse. Who is to blame for something going bad? This is an angel and devil on the shoulder kind of song, inner war. As a closer I found this to be an interesting choice, but with more thought, I see that this is where he is left also, not only the listener. This is a warning song, perhaps for all things "mutual", perhaps all things are just a candle burning at both ends. 

Favorite lyrics:
"this is two-hundred and sixty pounds of ground meat in a town sound sleep
countin' cards while they count sleep
now I'm on a sacrificial lamb, it's collapsing an iron lung
had to remove the mask and ask what kind of trash am I among
caught in the widow's web the black spiders spun

taking a beating so ancient that it's basically a tribal drum
I'm seeing stars and constellations
seeing warning signals in the universe's dashboard they're all saying..

maintenance required"

Goes without saying, but grab a copy of Copper Gone (drops June 3rd) and support SFR! strangefamous.com 

One Week

My work loves me right now, people with low expectations normally do.
Scott and Lance told me that I exceeded their best hopes, and that everything I do in invaluable to them.
Lance's wife called and told me that I am a rockstar, and doing amazing, Lance keeps saying how fantastic I did. Mr. Green called and said that he is proud of me, I am doing so well. Scott said very few people could handle what I did last week, Lance said I was reminded him of himself when he was a kid. Scott's wife had him bring me a treat, and he gave me part of his cash order. Brent told me that I stepped up to the plate, and did awesome. 
Lance asked if I was tired, I said no.

There is something wrong with me, and I cannot see the good, only the bad. This week's been terrible watching Scott deal with all of the leftover mistakes from me trying my best. I possess absolutely no skills but effort, and I am afraid that everyone can see that. I worked over fifty hours in the shop, and almost ten hours from home. It was a long week, but this one I am useless again.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

He Set Fire to the Paper Boat

"They skimmed rocks for the whole day
He imagined he was throwin' rotten parts of himself that broke away
So he couldn't stop, fascinated by the way they skip up top
Give up and then drop, he sank with them
They convened on the rock bottom and made a decision



That's when he came to the surface, fully intending
To be so strong in his resolve, 'til all of it dissolves
Slippin' through his pruny fingers like this could've been ours
But this is to the offers that can't be followed through with
The water works, the leaky faucet still lost fluids
To the current of the stream that'll always push you from me
To the reoccurring dream that makes reality less ugly
In a picturesque setting, where the world looks airbrushed
Needless to say, words failed us"


"And this is why, I assume the moon's bleeding
And why there wasn't any blood left in the rock he was squeezing"

Gutter